#bottomsurgery

I need it, medically.

Pelvic Floor Therapy. I’d heard about it in the trans servers on Reddit for years, but I willfully avoided it. One look at the name, and I knew exactly what it involved.. I was instantly triggered by my imagination. Hard pass. But after two or three years, I finally looked into it—and sure enough, it was exactly what I feared. I mean, yes, it’s clearly helpful for lots of people (trans and cis) post-surgery or after trauma, but any more unnecessary digital palpations? Digital rectal palpations? Nope. No thank you.

But on brand for my life, my surgeon made it mandatory—apparently too many of his patients were having issues with tightness and dilation. Granted, pelvic floor therapy isn’t just about internal exams; it can include things like stretches, breathwork, and massage. And I made it clear on Day One: No internal anything. There’ll be plenty of time for that post-op 🥲

Fast-forward to session two—and she kept referencing my boundary, in a repetitive way, as if to say, “Hey, I remember you said no!” Like, yes, wonderful. Thank you for remembering and reminding me 🫠 So we stuck to abdominal massage to help avoid post-anesthesia constipation (straining = bad for your pelvic floor)

We also did some fascia and passive leg and hip stretches. Problem is, I’m hyper-mobile from my gym bunny days, so half these exercises are lost on me. But it was enjoyable watching her reaction when I contracted my legs much deeper than her gentle push. And I’m sure there’s still much I can learn.

Don’t get me wrong, pelvic floor therapy can be crucial for dilation—especially if you’re tight and risk losing depth because it’s too uncomfortable. But I’m not too concerned—I was a dedicated bottom for nearly two decades; I’m confident in my ability to loosen up 👁👄👁 And a girlfriend who’s recently had her vaginoplasty and was also the receptive partner had zero issues with her dilation. But I know several trans women pursuing bottom surgery who were not the receptive partner and I suspect they’ll have trouble dilating.

Shape U Deserve: Premier Transgender Surgery Services

Bottom surgery is a shitshow. Then again, most surgery is a shitshow. Is it not weird that we cut people open for ANY health condition and rearrange their insides and call them “healthy”? Got a broken kidney? Let’s stuff another one in there, somebody ELSE’S kidney, and you’re good to go. H E L T H. What the fuck?

I used to have a dream every now and then that I had the body parts downstairs that I want to have. I would be doing whatever random task in some dream, then suddenly I’d look down and realize that I’m holding “my junk” in my hand. And I would feel a sense of relief. The dream was recurring, so basically the same thing would happen every time. I’d be doing something not even remotely related to sex or penises then become spontaneously aware that my penis existed and I would be holding it. That’s weird, but dreams are weird, and I’m keeping it real.

It always had the same feel though in every dream. The way the body part felt was oddly consistent, but I wasn’t sure why. Then one day, I was fidgeting with my hands and I grabbed my right thumb with my left hand. Clasped my fingers right around it, like holding a tube.

Then I went, “Oh.”

In my sleep, I had been unconsciously grabbing my thumb. That’s why it felt like that. In each of those dreams, my left hand found its way to my right thumb and must have gone, “We found the missing piece!” I’m not a sleep expert, but I know that for most of sleep, our brain intentionally paralyzes our body, so I’m curious as to how my hands situated themselves in this way. And bonus question: how did this position find its way into my dreams, not once but multiple times?

Anyway, I’ve been thinking about bottom surgery for a while, and I can’t keep the thoughts down anymore. I have a therapist to discuss with, but that is just one person. I could use more perspective and sanity checking. In the same vein, there are a ton of secondary things around bottom surgery worth discussing, like relationships, body image, and how to balance patient goal setting with frustration. I’m not even sure I want to go through with bottom surgery. I’ve had a tough time even figuring out how to have a basic relationship, sex aside. The bottom surgery topic adds 5 quantum dimensions of fuckery on top of it. I also have the worst self esteem you ever did see, which has made any hopeful relationships implode in an embarrassing fashion. More on that later.

That’s my shtick. I got 99 problems and oh my god I have no idea what to do. You know how lion tamers wave 4-legged stools in lions’ faces to get them to sit and not move? That’s me. There are problems in every direction and I’m stuck. All efforts to find a direction or solution have so far failed (or they’ve been so slow that I probably won’t figure out “what I truly want” until I’m 80 years old). So here is my blog and here are my thoughts.