#advicepost

It’s never too late...

A year ago today I was not happy. I mean I said I was happy but looking back I was not. You may or may not see it but in the left picture my eyes yell at me a deep dissatisfaction with who I was and what I’ve done. But if you just looked at the surface I was doing better than most. I had finished college that spring. Held a job for 4 years at that point. I had a girlfriend who I had dated for 4 years and lived with them and a beautiful dog in a cozy apartment. On the surface it felt like I was being ungrateful because I had so much.

What didn’t stand out to me then but does now is every time I was asked what I wanted I either couldn’t or didn’t want to think about it because most of what I wanted I couldn’t have, or rather thought I couldn’t have.

It was around this time that I started questioning my sexuality. Completely ignorant I thought my only options were gay or straight man. I knew I most identified with gay women but I thought gay women wouldn’t want to date me (wrong) because I was a man (wrong again)

So I started dating gay men and identifying as one. It seemed right at first because it wasn’t straight but I quickly realized that not only did I feel less like myself but the people I surrounded myself with didn’t see me as I wanted to either

I was stuck. I felt like I was lying to everyone and making things up. However out of all things it was openly trans women on tumblr that ultimately made me realize not only could I be seen as a women by looking through their transformation photos but also that I could be interacted with as a women by their stories

It’s a very gay thing to say but tumblr saved my life. Because of my undiagnosed bipolar disorder at the time and mounting depression levels my mental health was anything but healthy. Convinced however that this might be the answer I sought out other trans women to talk to and was met with both enthusiasm and support. Every time I felt like I wasn’t “womanly enough” I would be told time and time again I was. Eventually I stared to internalize the idea I was a women and sought out help through the local pride center. All it took was an email and I had both the names of the doctors who handled transgender health care but also of therapists in the area who specialized and could write letters of recommendation

Each day since has felt like I’m living for myself a little more. And everyday I take the love that was given to me when I needed it and give it back to the community and my friends because I learned the most important thing in the world is being open enough so that others may feel the confidence to do the same

Disclaimer: I'm not an expert, everyone is different, I have not personally experienced relationship-based trauma. Please feel free to reblog with any advice you want to add.

- have patience, don't push them to do something they aren't comfortable with.

- don't ever say the phrase "you probably just had a bad experience". why would you say this. don't be a douche.

- they won't always let you know when they're having a shitty day, because a lot of trauma survivors are afraid of being an inconvenience to the people around them.

- what they feel is valid. even if they tell you about a fear or insecurity you think is trivial, they have a reason for it, don't invalidate their emotions.

- their brain might replace their trauma/abuser with you, especially in dreams. this doesn't mean they hate you, but especially if their trauma was from a past relationship, their mind is going to make parallels.

- I cannot stress this enough BE PATIENT WITH THEM.

I am actually a sore loser. It is hard for me to have fun at games if I am not winning. I go out of my way to avoid luck-based games and to manage my emotions when I compete at anything. Competition can send me into temporarily-induced seto-kaiba-like munchkin temper tantrum mode where my logical reasoning is off the table and I believe any loss on my part is due to either being inherently inferior to the victor, or still my fault for having all of the choice to take the right actions to overcome the victor and failing to. I can even begin envy the victor and grow angry at myself at not doing exactly what the victor did and being better at it than they were. Sort of a “any time you’re not in first place means you made a mistake– just make no mistakes and you’ll win” toxic brain farce.

I’m getting better at this. The intense emotions involved here used to send me into meltdown mode a few years ago. Unpacking this is pretty hard so let’s throw out the suitcase and say it’s probably driven by perfectionism or difficulty regulating investment of effort (”why did I invest effort in playing or preparing to play if I didn’t correctly arrange my chances of winning to be the maximum from the start?”) on my part and falling short of abusive voices in my head. It’s not anything somebody else is doing to me, just by winning at a game.

Even then, I don’t hate the person who’s winning. I mostly hate myself for not overcoming the person who’s winning. I wouldn’t want you to feel guilty because I am assuming this is a mutual game where we both consented to the terms of victory or defeat, manually or because we’re playing the same pre-made game like an arcade/console game or a multiplayer computer game.

But I also wouldn’t think you’re foolish for feeling guilty. There are a lot of people out there whose lives depend on maintaining a social equilibrium with those around them. Sometimes if another person you depend on is kind of invasive, you might rely on never putting them at a disadvantage, or you might fear their emotional outbursts. It would be understandable to worry that you could be made to engage in a game with them, compete honestly and win, and see them get angry at the outcome because they were from the start not prepared to deal with equality within a relationship.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I am a person who gets upset when they are losing, and although it hasn’t been a journey of my finest moments, even I am expected to learn to behave and accept that losing a competition doesn’t hurt my internal status quo. If you and someone you value are competing, I believe you should compete honestly and guilt in that moment is evidence of underlying problems that probably should be worked out, or at least talked out– whether it’s a personal problem like mine, or a problem in your relationship, or even a problem transmitted to you from a past relationship or environment that’s hard to shake.

ALL YOU DO IS ARGUE: it could be about little things, or big things.

YOU CANT TRUST THEM: trust in a friendship is key but if you have an inkling feeling that you can’t trust someone you’re probably right. This relates to all aspects in the friendship

THEY ARE SELFISH: now, if your friendship is always about the other person and not you , if they like to talk about themselves and vent about their problems but not listen to yours , that’s a big sign

THEY ARE JEALOUS OF YOU: your real friends will always be happy for you whenever something is going right for you and encourage you and y’all will grow together , a toxic friend however will be so apathetic and will discourage you and call your dreams unrealistic and feed off of your positivity

GOSSIPING: you should never keep a person in your life who has negative things to say about you behind your back , if your friendship is always about talking about what another person is doing they’re probably doing the same with you , we all love to spill the tea but will hate it if it’s from our cup

NEGATIVITY: we all have our bad days when we feel as if it doesn’t get better and we are upset , no one is going to be positive all the time but the same thing is for negativity do not surround yourself with negative energy and problems, leave that person where they need to be don’t let them feed off of your positivity.

BEING AN ASS: there are ways to be a funny and joke around but you can still be respectful, now if that person is making remarks on your appearance and saying hurtful things and coming for your insecurities that’s another huge signs to leave them out of your life

CHILDISHNESS: say you happen to get into an argument and they stop talking to you and start talking shit , and then try to get back into your life , don’t let them continue to have some sort of control over you like that. Tell them to leave you alone and leaves it at that or don’t anything silence is loudest

FLIRTATION: this one might be reaching to some but if you have a friend and as soon as you tell them about who you like and then they act as if they liked the person first or if they start flirting with that person after you say that that’s not right , they ain’t got respect for you

JUDGING: people who judge other people excessively are shallow asf , if your friend happens to do this to you all the time , or they give you weird looks when wearing something or judges you when you tell them something personal , they ain’t worth your time

LYING: having a “friend” that lies about themselves and who they are as people or lie about others are dangerous, stay a million feet away from them , as this relates to trust as well , even if they lie about themselves I promise they will lie about you too. And they would most definitely lie to you too

DRAMA : some individuals live for drama , but others like to involve you in it and get on your last nerves , these are the people who are always ready to fight and starts shit with everyone or expect you to fight all their battles is trying to take advantage of your kindness and they needa go.

Watch I DON’T GIVE A SHIT here.

Action - Reaction. The probably most simple concept. We know that everything we put out into the world, provokes a reaction. Most of the time this reaction ends up being judgemental. Which is, don’t get me wrong, nothing entirely bad. It’s normal, even humane. You see something and you judge (”nice, eww, how beautiful, I would never do that”...). 

But I am sure, the second you read the word “judged”, you thought of something negative, something uncomfortable. Nobody wants to be judged because we are scared of putting out the wrong message, being judged for something we are not. So what do we do? Try to direct other peoples reaction. 

Simple example: Picking out an outfit.

You go with something basic, casual, you leave out any attention-grabbing accessories or colours because - you know - you don't wanna grab attention. Blue Jeans, White Top, Sneakers, nothing wrong with it you think. So this is what happens:

There might be people who like your outfit, because its simple and basic.

There might be people who dislike your outfit, because it’s simple and basic.

There might be people who like your outfit because you wear the same shoes they like.

And there might be people who hate your outfit because you wear the same shoes their cheating ex-girlfriend liked.

Same action, four different reactions. Why? Because reactions are always based on PERSONAL experiences, memories, feelings, emotions, moods, opinions. What means peoples reactions are based on facts we can’t even consider. So even if we try our hardest to please people and influence our impression on them, we won't ever be able to control how they chose to judge. 

“Judgement is always about the judge while its never about the judged.”

I uploaded a video with the title “WHY I FART IN PUBLIC - I DONT GIVE A SHIT!” - with the intention to raise awareness. (In case you are curious what the heck is going on there, I highly recommend you watching it!)

So in fact, I put out something with provokes a reaction (in this case a certain reaction). I can’t control if you just see the title while scrolling through your feed and think “what a freak” - therefore, judging me for being a weirdo. Or if you actually click on the video and understand the message I want to spread. And this is a simple example of everything we do. Absolutely no control about what others do with what they receive.

Don't.

Haha.. no, but really. Let me give you some advice that I wish I would have gotten this time last year.

Moving out and buying your first home is a lot of fun, but also a ton of stress and new responsibility. My advice is this:

1.) If you aren't already saving up money in a savings account- I suggest you start way before you think about moving out. A large safety net is a good thing.

2.) If you find a home you like, but it needs painting or fixing up in some way that will need to be done semi quickly- move on. Find a home that doesn't need repair and one you can live with the color scheme for a little while. You might think you can just move in and re paint everything but let me tell you, good paint is expensive ($40+) a gallon expensive and you will need to spend that money elsewhere or hang onto it. If something in the house or on the property needs repair- move on. Repairs for anything aren't cheap and no you can't just call your friend who does fencing to come fix it because more than likely he will be busy and never get around to it. Find a home that's good to go as is.

3.) Already have pets you can't leave behind? By all means, bring them. Want new pets because you think it will be exciting and fun? YOU'RE WRONG. Don't get any new pets until you know without a doubt that you have the funds to feed them and for vet bills. Because if something can go wrong, it will go wrong.

4.) Before you move out and buy a house, go to an adult's house (someone adultier than you) and make a list of everything they have in their garage. Lawn mower, weedeater, clippers, chainsaw, weed killer, shovels, rakes, etc. Now go out and purchase all of that before you buy a house. Do not think you will just be able to borrow your neighbor's or your best friend's yard tools because they said you could. What they mean is- you can use them on their time and IF they're feeling generous that day. Have your own shit before you buy a house.

5.) Sit down and make a budget. Add up your mortgage, vehicle payment, insurance, light and water bills, and food for the month. See that extra $500 a month it says you'll have left over? It's lying to you. You will have nothing left over, because bills take all. Stuff will cost more than you think and you will be poor. Learn to buy food to cook at home and take lunchables and sandwiches to work. Eating out is a thing of the past now.

6.) A lot of your friends or family will try to give you advice. MY advice? Go ask someone who you trust and has experience, but won't just tell you what you want to hear. Your family might not have all the right answers, and some of your friends will want you to succeed- but not better than them. It's a different world when you're on your own and you learn quickly who you can and can't trust.

7.) Last but not least- go with your gut. Take advice from others, but ultimately go with what you feel is right for you, because when you get out there, YOU will be the only one dealing with the consequences of your actions.