#trans validation

Compass Quotes #3

George Orwell, 1984*

Transfemmes that take estrogen DO experience PMSing.

If you are transfemme and take estrogen, do a think. Get a calendar. (You might be able to find a PMS app) record PMs symptoms for several months (tenderness of breasts, change in libido, cramping, mood fluctuations, etc).

After a few months of doing this, congrats! You'll notice you have a 4 week cycle! Enjoy bitching about PMS symptoms with uterus havers.

(This post is to validate my transfemme friends that have noticed a PMS cycle, but have made to feel unsafe discussing it because TERFs suck.)

so im in nashville and we take the hotel bus to broadway everyday. and the driver is always there to help us off the bus, holding out his arm in case someone needs help.

and some days i would dress masc and then the next i would dress fem, and he would always say “have a good day, sir” or “have a good day, ma’am” depending on what I was wearing. keep in mind this is the same driver every time and i rode with my family, so he knew it wasn’t different people.

i’ve heard stories like this from so many trans folk over the years, and experienced it myself:

“I was so sure the one thing still getting me clocked by strangers was my chest; but even after getting surgery, they’re still misgendering me.”

“I thought once I’d been on hrt a while, everything would change. A lot has, but i still get misgendered more often than not.”

When you get misgendered again & again & again — by strangers and by people who know you & should know better alike — it might be hard not to start blaming yourself. “What am I doing wrong??” is a question I’ve asked myself a hundred times, even though i try to resist thinking it.

So I just want to say: It’s not a personal failing if you find yourself going down that road of self-blame.

For one thing, the dominant trans narrative that society pushes is transition that involves aaaall the legal changes, aaall the medical changes, a complete wardrobe change, the whole nine yards. It presumes passing as both a desired & achievable goal for every single trans person.

So when we fail to pass, or refuse to pass (or passing isn’t even something on our radar because most people don’t even know our gender exists), the dominant narrative implies it’s our own fault for not transitioning “fully” enough or “well” enough. “If you just worked harder, people would know what to call you” is the callous response I’ve heard real people give.

It’s no wonder dominant society pushes this narrative and wants us to internalize it, when it so conveniently lets them off the hook!

They don’t have to change — only we do, if we want to “earn” their acceptance. The burden completely falls to us, leaving them work-free.

Reason two that it’s not a personal failing when you wonder what you’re “doing wrong”: when humans experience suffering or trauma, we scrabble for any sense of security or control over the situation.

We have way less control over what other people say, think, or do — so if something is their fault, we may well be stuck in the horrible situation.

Meanwhile, if it’s our fault, maybe we can escape our suffering by changing our behavior. Maybe we have a little agency over the situation.

Most of the time, this is false. Ultimately, the person who has to change in order for abuse or bigotry to stop is the one doing the harm, not the one being harmed. But dang, that’s a scary thought! Your brain wants protect you from that sense of helplessness.

So for me, what that looks like when people misgender me is that my brain scrambles to figure out what i can do to “fix” the situation. Can i change my haircut? My way of walking or talking? Cut out my hobbies because they’re “too feminine”?

But the truth is this:

Sometimes there isn’t anything i can do. I’ve changed my presentation, and people still get it wrong — i’ve done all I can without cutting off vital pieces of myself!

Maybe i don’t want to do All The Transition Things — all the medical changes, only masc outfits, etc. — that society claims i have to do if i can possibly expect people to Accept Me as the gender i say i am. And i shouldn’t have to!!

So i’ve been working to change my mental narrative when i get misgendered, from “Ugh, what am I doing wrong??” to “i’m just being myself, and i love who i’ve become. i don’t need to change the way i look; they need to change the way they see.”

from “i guess i still have a long way to go” to “i guess they still have a long way to go.”

i’ve changed and grown so much! And they haven’t changed a dang thing — they haven’t done any work to expand their understandings of gender, to learn how to respectfully refer to a stranger or how to get a loved one’s pronouns right.

If it’s someone i know and trust, there might be some steps i can choose to take to help them in that growth — like reminding them when they mess up, or pointing them to educational resources.

But ultimately, the work is on them, not on me.

i do so much to help others see me for who and what i am — it’s time for them to do a little work, too.

i hope this makes sense, and maybe provides a little comfort to my fellow trans folk who experience this. Mandatory disclaimer that trans people are all different and this thread might not resonate with you at all! If you’re interested in sharing your perspective, i welcome it. Or if i messed up and said something hurtful, i welcome correction.

But yeah, my main point is to say: if you’ve also gone through the pain of feeling great about what you see in the mirror, only to have your joys dashed by a stranger or a friend’s thoughtless remark…i see you. i feel you. And i just want you to know: it’s not in any way your fault.

One last bit of encouragement based off my own experience: i remember when i was a few months into T and still getting misgendered nonstop, i became convinced that this was just my life. That there’d never come a time when most people saw me as anything but a woman.

But nowadays, I’m gendered male by strangers more often than not!

Sometimes you just need to hang in there, to wait a little longer.

Regardless, it can help to find those people who will see you exactly as you are — no physical changes necessary. It might also help you to remind yourself that whatever your gender journey / transition looks like, it’s for you first and foremost.

i used to think that misgendering would always be debilitating for me — that every instance would be a stab to the gut and ruin my whole day. But as things change for me, and as i become more and more excited about who i am becoming, misgendering hurts less. It’s still frustrating and some instances leave me more pained than others, but the me of 2 years ago would be amazed to learn that misgendering no longer hurts so much.

i wish the kinds of trans joy I’ve experienced for each and every one of you. Please, remember that what others think about you does not negate who you really are. Do what you can to surround yourself with support. Do what you can to safeguard your joy.