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Therapy update: I have come to the realization that the insurmountable lack of motivation may stem from the fact that I am incredibly lonely, and yearn for the touch of another. I am now going to take a nap. Hopefully I will feel better after that.
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My therapist keeps telling me I'm making progress and healing but I don't see it.
I'm still agoraphobic and rarely leave my apartment. I still don't brush my teeth. I still don't shower enough. I still don't have a routine. I can never get anything done. All I do besides work is sit at home all day doing absolutely nothing. Where is this progress? He says I'm more grounded, less dissociated well thats great and all but like I'm still not living, I'm still avoiding everything. How is this progress?
I know I have to keep trying and not give up but I still feel out of control. It's all my fault anyways. I should just get over it and do everything I'm suppose to. What is wrong with me why can't I just do it. Even when I force myself eventually I just start forgetting again. I brushed my teeth everyday for two weeks straight then I started forgetting. Lame excuse I know. My therapist does not help. Nobody helps. Everyone tells me to just make myself do it. To force myself. It's ridiculous like do you really think I haven't tried that over and over again? It doesn't work! And I'm tired of my therapist implying I have control over my alters. If I had control over them, why would I be in therapy! Maybe that's not what he means but idk. When I told him about a suicidal alter who was making threats he said "you can choose not to kill yourself" well that's very helpful. Thank you very much. Ugh this is just so frustrating.
Sorry that I did not report after my posts about the group therapy. 💚
The last days were pretty shitty but now a little update, if you're interested:
The appointment was okay, we just discussed what we are going to do and learn and talked about the topics, so just a little introduction. We were actually only three people, two more wanted to come but didn’t do it. But one of the people came later to talk to the leader, I haven’t seen the person yet. Probably they will participate this Friday. At least that’s what they said, and I don’t have any information about the 5th person.
tfw your therapist tells you that part of an overarching issue is how regularly we doubt our existence and that one angle to work at an overarching issue is to work on accepting that we are real, all parts are real and genuine and that we have DID
I'm like, I haven't full on thought we were faking for a while, but like XD Having my therapist be like "Okay really, you aren't faking and its something that needs to be worked on"
And I mean our issue is less innately "We dont have DID" as much as a warped version but still XD
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I haven't updated lately but soon after my last therapist dropped me, I transferred to the other EMDR therapist in the practice and we've dove into EMDR. I've had six sessions and last week we finished reprocessing the first memory we targeted. This has been an extremely intense, painful experience but it works. A memory that I rated at an 8/10 on how upsetting it was dropped down to a 1/10 in six weeks. However, other memories have been coming up and I've come more aware of my inner child. I spend so much time feeling like I want to be held (unmet need from when I was younger) and taken care of and it sucks. EMDR is hard but at least it works.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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After uncovering something Very Big and Very Threatening at the end of last weeks therapy session, I went into complete Breakdown Mode. So tomorrow’s therapy session is going to be interesting.
wow i can’t wait to finally meet my new psychiatrist in april. i really need new meds and i wanna start transitioning as soon as possible... i just hope she’ll support me when it comes to transitioning bc of my many disabilities...
Little mental health update.
Ive come back from England about 1 1/2 weeks ago.
Ivee seen the replacement therapist once and i started crying in front of her (have never cried in therapy) because she was graphically describing my trauma and didnt realize how bad it did affect me.
When I told her why I wasnt actually getting flashbacks just feeling extremely unconfortable and scared (its because I dissociated during the traumatic events) she was actually very surprised about how bad it affected me.
She told me that i should think about if i really want to just look at how my mental health affects my now or if id rather work on my trauma, especially because it has a big influence on my anxiety disorders.
Especially because I start school and like a bit over 2 weeks. School is technically a trigger and Im scared of shit happening.
She said its probably more important that I actually start to learn that those things were in the past.
Before that we were talking about like my anxiety related thoughts (she didnt know at that point that im traumatized) and after sometime she asked me if my thoughts are based on expierience, thats why she was describing the stuff.
Then when we were looking at like positive thiughts I could tell myself she was like "Maybe try telling yourself that everything is over and in the pst" and there I had to explain that I cant actually believe that and that made me cry after she said more.
My dissociation also has gotten worse since im back from england. There has been stuff that sounds more and more like switching and I send my normal therapist an email of how that felt without saying the word switchign, just to be sure.
Idk if I had mentioned that but during the skype sessions in england with my therapist she has def. stopped using only depersonalization and derails but also started using "trance like states" and "changes of consciousness" and I plan on, once she gets back, asking her to look further into the dissociation and trauma. It might not be a good idea to do that while school starts, but tbh I want to actually understand whats happening.
