Death is not a deliverance neither is it a relief because both feel nice only if you have something to be able to feel nice with. It's just death and the only saving grace is that we all are sentenced to it, without any exceptions.

That's why I was so enamored by this exchange in the Green Knight.

"Is there all there is?" asks the Sir Gawain whose life is about to end.

"What else ought there be?" asked the Green Knight.

I mean, yeah. We imagined that there would be or should be something. We hoped that there should be something. We created religion to persuade us there is something. We sentence the ones we birth to death in hope that their life will somehow alleviate our own sentence, prolong us, immortalize us.

Lying in bed at 2AM and then you’re suddenly hit with the

I cannot comprehend what dying will be like

This post may touch sensitive topics. You've been warned.

Hello, I've been thinking of doing something more serious in this blog for quite some times. Some nights ago, I had a panic attack, and as you'll learn, it happens very often. But that time, an idea hit me: What if I started to document my anxiety on Tumblr?

Ok, John, good idea, but why?

To be fair, I don't really know, but if I have to find a reason for what I'm doing I might say that I wanna leave a trace of what I go through almost every day of my life, I'm not sure if this could help someone else who suffers from similiar problems. I als think it's a good thing to give some witness to these issues in case something happens to me in the future (I'm safe now, don't worry).

What are my problems?

I suffer from an heavy form of anxiety, I'm depressed and, probably my biggest burden, I suffer from tanatophobia (google it, it's something I'll discuss often in this little space so you'll get as used to it as I am probably).

What it is to document?

First of all, I have triggers with many, MANY things, some of them may seem really stupid from the outside, and I know it, I too find some of them really dumb, but the human brain is this very complicated and stupid but fuscinating organ that really works in mysterious ways.

What are your plans?

I plan to update this blog with an entry of the diary atleast once per day, I'll try my best with it. I just have two things to say before I start this experiment: Number 1 - No lies. For good or for worse I will never lie about what I go through, and when I'll joke about it I'll do it cause I'm the first person that can joke about myself to feel better.

i’ve been so anxious i just can’t move on

Hi there,

I think it would help you to take some space from the community until you can cope with the tanatophobia more. It must be so stressful to be triggered like that!

CBT, exposure therapy (in a controlled environment with a support system), meditation/visualization could help in the meantime.

Take care