As my first ever post on Tumblr I wanted to share with you this great book. I stumbled upon it while visiting QueerBritain, a free (and awesome) LGBTQIA+ museum in London. Since then, it has been accompanying me on my journey of exploring and accepting my aromantic and asexual self.
As of today, I consider myself a sex-positive and sex-indifferent asexual (I also relate to the terms aegosexual and autosexual) and a romance-favorable aromantic.
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TAAAP was thrilled to participate in a number of different pride events this June. Attending pride events and representing asexuality and aromanticism helps us to spread awareness of our identities and connect with the larger LGBTQ+ community.
Below the cut is my submission for the first ever Carnival of Aros, hosted by The Ace and Aro Advocacy Project. Thank you to Sennkestra, TAAAP, and everyone else involved in bringing this to fruition. I have wanted this for a long time, and it feels so, so good to see it become a reality.
Upon hearing that the topic for the first Carnival of Aros was to be a joint endeavor with the Carnival of Aces about the relationship between the two communities, I was equal parts thrilled and apprehensive. To me, this topic seems both incredibly self-aware and timely and yet also a bit tone-deaf. The call for submissions describes the relationship between the ace community and the rapidly growing aro community as having “growing pains”, and I frankly can not think of a better way to phrase that.
Because for me, reflecting on this topic brought on thoughts of a seemingly never-ending struggle that is both distant in the past and current, raw, and ongoing. For those who are unaware, the relationship between the ace and aro communities was the OG Discourse. Based on my own recollection and the confirmations of others, it was about 2014-2015 or so when the aro community was starting to stand on its own two feet and demand recognition as a separate entity from the ace community, particularly for alloaros, for whom being defined as ace was both inaccurate and incredibly alienating. As an aroace, the pain I felt during this time, as a baby aspec watching this unfold from a comfortable distance behind the relative safety of my computer screen, was a different kind of pain. I had only just come into my identity, and the aro and ace communities being cut completely apart was going to force me and other aroaces to choose. Before any of this could reach a reasonable, nuanced conclusion, the exclusionary discourse that we’re all unfortunately familiar with today started to crop up, and eventually took precedence.
But with both of our communities starting to rise up out of those ashes, particularly the aro community (which I’m substantially more active in), I can see this debate creeping up again. And frankly, in the years that have passed, some of the aro erasure I’ve seen from the ace community has made me extremely bitter. But I don’t want to talk about that, because I’ve talked about it enough, and quite honestly I’m tired of it. I don’t want to alienate myself from either of the communities that have given me the words to describe my experiences. My aro and ace identities are inseparable, and cutting all ties between our communities would absolutely devastate me. Our histories are intertwined, and in a relative post-discourse 2019 in which terms like aspec exist, I’ve decided to look towards a more hopeful future in which we can reach the kind of mutual understanding and solidarity that we never made it to before.
So what does that mean, ideally, for the future of the aspec community?
Firstly, aromanticism is not an ace umbrella identity. Alloaro friends of mine, upon hearing about the Carnival of Aros, expressed their apprehension at participating in an event that required them to describe their experiences in terms of the ace community. To them, as well as many aroaces I’ve spoken to, tying the first Carnival of Aros so heavily was tone-deaf and in some ways a reflection of the problem. A large portion of the aro community wants our arospec identities honored without being attached to the ace umbrella. The ace flag does not represent the aro identity the way it is sometimes used to represent acespec identities.
On a similar note, aspec means acespec AND arospec, not just acespec. I can’t tell you how many aro folks I’ve had tell me they had no idea the word aspec included them as well and wasn’t just shorthand for acespec.
In order for the ace and aro communities to truly reach a mutual understanding, it needs to be made clear that aces who are not aro cannot speak on aro issues, just as the reverse is true. Things that are relatable to alloromantic aces are often not relatable to aromantics, especially to alloaros.
It would be easy for me to spend my whole life griping about what’s wrong with the relationship between our communities, or lamenting the fact that I feel like I have to choose, or getting frustrated when things don’t go according to how I would like. Reflecting on this month’s topic, though, has led me to the realization that I am frankly exhausted. Being bitter is exhausting. I want to be hopeful. I want to reconcile my aro identity with the ace community and find a place in it again, like I found five years ago. So much of my aromantic experience has felt like a shout into a void that never answers. I just want the ace community to hear that voice and raise it up, instead of speaking over it.
My hopes for the future of the Carnival of Aros?
I hope it succeeds and one day grows to be as strong as the Carnival of Aces has been. I hope future topics are more inherently inclusive of alloaros, so that my friends no longer avoid participating for fear of coming across as overly negative (perhaps it would be a good idea to get some alloaro folks to host). The aspec community has been under constant pressure to defend ourselves with every breath for years, so of course we’re all hurting, especially when that pressure comes from within. It’s okay to be hurting, but we need to talk about it!
I’m choosing to be optimistic about the future of the aro community and our relationship with the ace community. We are, slowly but surely, stepping out of the shadow of the ace community and finding our own footing. Of course that is going to come with some growing pains, but that doesn’t mean things cannot change, it just means we have to open up the dialogue; things aren’t perfect and probably never will be, but things can change, they will change, they already are changing. The creation of the Carnival of Aros is just one step in that direction. It may not be perfect, but it’s still a step forward, and I applaud TAAAP for opening this dialogue.
I’m tired. I’m so, so tired, but I’m choosing to have hope. Reading the introductory post to the Carnival of Aros, it became clear to me that ace communities and aspec organizations such as TAAAP and Aces & Aros are becoming increasingly more aware of the widespread (and typically unintentional) erasure of aromantics and are attempting to correct those shortcomings through rebranding efforts and the creation of the Carnival of Aros. It wasn’t even that long ago that the arospec community didn’t have our own awareness week. My college ace group was officially renamed to aspec per my suggestion in an effort to include aros, and we’re having an event for Aromantic Spectrum Awareness Week for the first time this year. Progress is possible, even if it happens slowly. Sometimes you just need to give people a push in the right direction. May this month’s Carnival of Aros be that push, so that we can talk about where we’ve been and figure out where it is we’re going, as two intertwined communities on equal ground. That’s all I’ve ever wanted.
We would like to invite any and all people who identify on the aromantic spectrum, asexual spectrum, or both to write a blog post on the topic, “The Relationship Between the Aro and Ace Communities…
TAAAP ( @theaceandaroadvocacyproject) would like to invite any and all people who identify on the aromantic spectrum, asexual spectrum, or both to write a blog post on the topic, “The Relationship Between the Aro and Ace Communities.” This will be a joint blogging event between the Carnival of Aros and the Carnival of Aces, and all posts are due by the end of February. Click on the link for more details!
12 Likes, 1 Comments - The Ace & Aro Advocacy Project (@theaceandaroadvocacyproject) on Instagram: “Our gorgeous Ace & Aro Hospitality Suite at #creatingchange2019! After unofficial suites at several…”
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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OMG FSHAJKFHASKDFHKASDHF TAP FLOORING AT UNI YFAFGJSKFHLAKFH
I'M GOING TO LOCK MYSELF IN THAT NEW STUDIO AND NEVER TALK TO ANYONE AGAIN.
NO TALKING, JUST TAPPING.
shit a year and 2 months into university and i can ONLY JUST start doing my favourite dance style. last year we were supposed to have latin and ballroom (my second favourite) but that turned out to be two failed lessons. BUT this year i'm in the latin team and i do all the latin-technique choreography for it. SO finally i'm beginning to sort of enjoy this shit.
plus we get musical theatre jazz lessons.
plus i have my society on top of that.
but shit i really wish i'd done musical theatre instead. and at least applied for guilford school of acting.
never mindddddd WE HAVE TAP FLOORING. ALL IS RIGHT IN THE WORLD RIGHT NOW.