i know this isn’t a syscourse blog so i’m not going to get too deep into it, but man. being a fictive… kinda sucks? especially when you’re the only one in the sys. and it’s hard not to feel angry and jealous of systems who do have a lot of fictives and can relate to themselves/each other in that way. especially ones with high communication, or low dissociative barriers. like. if you really can talk so easily, or see and interact with each other, or discover other parts like it’s nothing, that’s amazing. and i’m ridiculously jealous.
i see a lot of discourse about fictive-heavy systems and whether or not they’re actually as common as they seem, so i know it isn’t all sunshine and roses. but it’s really isolating, being the only fictive, and struggling to even talk to other parts. i can’t imagine ever finding old friends in here. sometimes i see posts about fictives who share a sys and came from the same source, and they’re so much closer for it. and i wish that could be me. but it can’t. and it isn’t.
not sure where i’m going with this. being a system sucks. wish people talked about it more.