#suicideswareness

I’m posting on here cause I’ve grieved enough on FB and I think my followers are over it. I also want to give your family some time to breathe.

These past 2.5 days have been....hard. To say the least. I know we dated from May 2018-February of 2019 and here we are in September and I’m about to get married in 12 days and you’re gone. You’re gone.

I loved you with every ounce of my body until there was nothing left. From the moment I saw you at Home Depot, the more I got to know you, the more I fell, until after we broke up.

I left because loving someone at the cost of my self worth is unhealthy. No one blamed me for leaving. In fact, they were happy for me. But it was most definitely, the hardest decision I ever had to make. Here we are, 7 months later and you’re breaking my heart all over again.

I saw the signs, Steve. We all did. We all pushed you to get help. I even found counseling resources and you said that you’d go, but you never did. I did everything in my absolute power to help you. I took you to and from work every single day. I paid off all your court fees. I took care of all our dates. I helped you build a resume. I laughed at every one of your memes, no matter how wildly inappropriate they were. I helped take care of your daughter on the days you had her and ounces of my love for you sprinkled onto her. When we split, I rid you of myself. Every picture. Every note. Even your hoodie that I kept until 2 weeks ago.

I heard you went on a date with someone. My sister saw you. A picture was posted on FB and I was happy for you. Hoping she could handle all your wild better than I could. I was glad to see that you were moving on and getting better. I guess things didn’t work out.

I can still hear the sound of your keys jangling against your hips as you walk. I can still hear your voice. Damn you, Steve. I hate you so much right now! I’m so mad cause I did not give you close to a year of my life, I did not love you for a year of my life just to see it end like this. How could you leave your family? Your baby girl? I saw them yesterday and they are strong but they are wrecked. They loved you so fucking much. So fucking much. They were proud of you, as was I, of every thing you accomplished, no matter how big or how small.

Steven, I don’t think you understand how much this hurts. It’s indescribable. 70% of the time I don’t know how I’m feeling. One minute, I’m fine and the next I see a car that resembled yours and I lose it again. How do I cope? I feel bad talking to my fiancé about it. How do I tell the man I’m about to spend my life with about the loss of you? He knows about you and some aspects of our relationship, but he doesn’t know the depth.

I don’t want to say I miss you cause I don’t. I haven’t missed you for months. I’ve thought about you a lot and prayed for you some, but all in the hopes that you’d get better. You’d find a job you loved that would fully be able to support you that you’d find the one and that one day, I would scroll through my FB feed and see your life updates and I’d go “good for you. I’m happy for you” and life would go on, and now it’s stopped. The brakes have slammed and everything in the car has shifted and we can’t get it back in gear.

You were so broken. We both were when we met. We fought hard though. We laughed, cried, got angry. We got better. We became fast friends. I remember our long conversation at Bova's last fall. You had reservations. Stick with it I told you. You're good. You've got it under control. The world needs guys like you out on the streets. We laughed so much that night. Life was good. I couldn’t take your call that night. Look at what happened...