#study vent

Applications for the main university entrance exam in my country have opened, and I don't know if I want to apply.

Seriously, I got really nervous when I saw that. I planned from the beginning of the year to apply to a private university (the one where I study nursing) for the medicine program with a scholarship. I don't have the financial means to pay for any college, but medicine? It's too expensive!

So I knew I wanted to take the entrance exam for my university, but I don't know if I want to take the general entrance exam (called ENEM). The grades are very high, the tension and exhaustion are enormous, and I don't even know if my studying is paying off enough for me to even get into the private university.

Yesterday my grade for the Neuroanatomy test came out, and I got an A (90), BUT I know I got all the questions right on the test, since I gave private lessons on the subject the entire semester and I knew all the answers to the exam.

I went to my professor's office and asked to see the test, and he said "I GAVE YOU an A, why do you want to see the test?"

like… I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SEE THE CORRECTION!!!! Besides, he is the same professor who teaches Developmental Psychology, and he had given me a B on the test. If I hadn't gone to contest it, I would have gotten a B on a test that I got an A+ (100) on.

I'm so frustrated, because before I left he said "You're going to give me trouble, right? We're going to fight a lot"

Bitch??? I WORKED FOR THIS 100%, IT'S MINE.

I'll see the test on Monday, but I'm already super anxious about this weird interaction.

Studying engineering is such fucking hell when you have to deal with shit like anxiety, because you don’t know how badly it will hit you when you’re in the exam hall.

It doesn’t matter how much of my medication I take or well I’ve been keeping up with it, because I could start hyperventilating and my fucking brain could blank out any moment because sitting in a giant hall in silence trying to recall of the stuff I’ve learnt is just so fucking awful.

It’s good that even though I failed two courses I have supplementary exams to make up for it, and I’ve been working really hard to pass them, but at the end of the day I have no idea how my body will choose to react on the days that I write.

What’s worse is that I know I’m capable of it, because I managed to pass a really fucking difficult course pretty well. I’m just so terrified that something will go wrong and everyone will be disappointed in me.