#stormy.ask

🍎 (apple) - What advice would you give to a singlet looking to be an ally?

Listen to the experiences of the community and don't assume someone is faking or that they are engaging in some kind of self-harm for embracing their neurotype. I see a lot of people who don't understand things like plurality who assume that we need immediate help and should suppress our plurality. We know ourselves best and while we definitely have a very unconventional sense of selfhood, we're not harming ourselves by accepting who we are and by seeking out community for support.

Also, get to know people's headmates. Yes, even the ones you might not get along with. There is no understanding the host without knowing the rest of the system, because this is an entity made up of many parts that work together as a whole. You can't possibly only be friends with one headmate and fully understand where they're coming from and what kind of person they are if they're the only headmate you know. And don't play favorites. Don't ask someone to switch for you so you can talk to that one headmate you like. It's not a roleplaying game.

When talking about a type of orientation, I think you'd find it more helpful to ask and listen. That's the only way to learn how to be an ally.

I'm aplatonic. You can't boil that down to me not having friends. It refers to an orientation, and one that I'm currently trying to explore and come to terms with. It doesn't help that I'm trying to figure out if this label is right for me and I'm struggling with figuring out if it makes me aspec at all, while navigating really weird views about platonic attraction and being aplatonic.

I also had the queerplatonic label in mind when I made that post. That's an entirely different idea. I recently saw someone on Twitter talk about their queerplatonic polycule and someone else responded with "You mean friend group??" That's very diminishing and invalidating.

Platonic has a different use in aspec spaces. You just see attraction as a binary of romantic and sexual, and that people either experience them or they don't. And honestly, this is just fun for you. It's fun to run in and invalidate someone's identity and then leave. You can hide behind anon, say stupid shit, and then take off. It doesn't affect you in any way.

Aw, thank you so much!

I can't allow or disallow you to use a term because I don't have that kind of authority (and no one else in this community does either.) If it feels right, then use it. Labels are a tool to communicate an experience, not a list of rules you need to follow in order to keep using them.

I used neutrois as a placeholder for one of my genders for a long time and I knew I was unsure how to quantify that part of me, but I continued using the label because that's what felt right to me. It did its job for a time and then I moved on to something else. But I spent that time being very proudly neutrois, making pride flags and talking about the experience at length. I'm sure there wasn't anyone out there thinking I was faking or wanting me to stop using it just because my experience was a bit different than theirs.

Not to say that you'll definitely move on to another label. Maybe you'll keep the therian label after a bit more searching. I say get in touch with other therians and see what kinds of stories they have to tell. I'm not a therian myself but there are plenty out there who might relate to what you're experiencing.

*being endo-neutral is ableist

there, fixed it for you!

Don't make your shortcomings my problem. Do your research and actually talk to systems of different origins instead of parroting what you hear in your gatekept circles. Your worldview will open up and you'll be a better ally for it.

also let me know if i messed up eir pronouns, i cannot remember how the full set goes

This will have to be the temporary format because my hands are prone to cramping and I couldn't draw much detail today. I did, however, experiment with different facial angles instead of always drawing from the side. I need to get better at it but Zeph has a weirdly shaped snout that I'm not used to working with.

Zephrael's full pronoun set is e/em/eir/eirs/emself, pronounced like they/them and used the same way (plural, not singular.) Sometimes I also use ey/em/eir/eirs/emself which is my own set of pronouns. They/Them is also a safe go-to if those are easier. I no longer use ae/aer for em because they didn't feel right.