#stoned entry

If you want to know anything about me, ask! I wouldn't dip into your life to be nosy for my personal gain. I was just thinking about this as a possibility that someone for some strange reason would do this...or maybe I'm just thinking way too much and this weed needs to go back to its place. Which is anywhere away from my hands...For now.

How fucked up would that be? Like having your higher-self doing and saying some crazy shit to another person? I already have a hard time wrapping my head around being from the realms and all its implications explained. Just because I write the stuff don't mean I'm not trying to be open more to it.

Wish to contact me?

Please don't ask my higher self to come through. We don't look alike and thats mainly for the purpose of spiritual anonymity for lack of a better term. So what you see most likely isn't going to be what you get unless you want to be spiritually smacked in the face for bothering me! Just kidding. I don't think I can do that...I smack Erik around here and there 🤣. Pervert. My higher self definitely won't. Oh...I sound like a lunatic.

Got pizza coming sooooooooon!

Very short dream I was sitting at my favorite bar. There were other people but I only saw Erik who just waltz's in and sits next to me. I'm like:

😒🤦‍♀️😨 jeodj e hsb jneksin!?

I couldn't move or think but then I thought about karaoke. Not yet so I must have been there early. No one was at the DJ booth.

So he says something like that there is a guy who wants me to be happy (well there's 2). Then something he said he was hinting at himself and something about a promise.

It was weird but I woke up understanding it of course. 😑 Well in the dream I blushed so hard, I snapped out of it. I'm stoned as fuck rn. Must have been a dream\trance idk the difference anymore lol. But I wanted to twist his ear for that scare! Holy shit saw my worst nightmare. This happens a lot. I'll be daydreaming or whatever and live out my worst fears.

This one was seeing someone who really looks like him.

I know it's so weird but I wouldn't even perform on stage, I hide and go home or just hide out and wait for him to leave. Most hot guys leave this bar around 11 or 12 because they have professional jobs or something better to do other than a dive bar full of weirdos, old people and hicks. I used to have one of those things. A professional job. Now I'm a weirdo. Id be looking from far with binoculars or in the bushes. Jesus I sound like my 18 year old self 🤦‍♀️.

Oh God 🤣 I can't stop laughing!

Why does she have to remind me of why I can't have nice things?!

....I was a lot like Tina. And....

I had suddenly a question I've never thought of: Being born intuitive, what was the point of my intuition if I we weren't going to be together in this life? I went through what I had just for this?

Well yeah I guess it makes sense. Had I not have an intuition at all, my spiritual growth wouldn't happened...🤷‍♀️

Turns out even if I forgive him and all that warm fuzzy shit, karmic clean up doesn't work like that.......I have to be able to SEE him.

Jesuschristonamotorbokeridingbackwardsuphill!? 🤯

So my stoned ass asks Erik why and he responds with some shit like:

Seeing him makes me depressed and emo because I'm reminded of all the pain and bullshit I went through trying to find him. Finding him was the reason I stayed alive. There. I finally said it. I dealt with depression my whole life. I nearly killed myself when I was about 6 years old. I already knew life was bullshit by then and wanted out.

I was constantly bullied, rejected, and misunderstood because of all my issues INCLUDING tourettes and being on the spectrum. That's all I looked forward to. Mostly being screwed over on way or another. I was always the last person to know of course. My childhood was alright inspite of it all. But years leading up to 2009 were absolute hell. I couldn't deal with my intuition. I was seeing glimpses of the future. I would see and talk to dead people (until I was 8). I just wanted to be normal.

So seeing him makes me freak out.

If that's so, we still have karmic work to do and I'm frustrated. I don't like feeling this way; he's the only thing or person that makes me so 😳 <---. Whatever that is. Finding the words right now is hard. Smoking a bowl. No one else alive...well there's been a few. Not just anyone makes me flustered. Not even my bf. Only when he decides to trim his face hedges. 🙄 Otherwise he looks like a bum but, I rather he look like a bum to be honest because I won't get all weird.

So this realization is sort of a blow to my ego I guess...

Thought we were done but nooooooo. I have to not get weird when I see him or on some off chance I see his doppelganger. Oh God nothing is WORSE than seeing Erik's doppelganger in public. I've had to run and hide my face because I'm fair complected so when I go red, I go REEEEEEEDDDDDDDD!! But I don't usually get embarrassed or flustered. I learned how to quickly think of something else or distract myself.

BUT ITS NOT EASY TO HAVE ERIK IN MY HEAD MEANWHILE HIS DOPPELGANGER IS LOOKING AT THE SAME JUNK FOOD YOURE LOOKING AT IN THE SAME FuCkINg AlsLE! 😳🤯😳☠

Something like that has happened. Years ago. Still not over it. I flew off with some random thing and lost Vince in the store. I was not looking my best and I was not prepared mentally for it. For the remainder I was on high 👀 alert like a 🦌 deer. Ready to dive into a plus size women's clothing rack or in the arts and crafts racks. I'm crafty. Graduated top of my class as high school stalker and guys hated me. They all rejected me. Of course was the last to know.

I know this sounds dramatic but I'm also stoned and avoiding Erik rn. Talking about this with him is hard. We keep putting it off because I get funky. Why do we need to do this? Is this necessary? It makes perfect sense so I get why, I just don't want to do it. Of course he doesn't want me to force myself either.

We remember the last time that happened!

(LOL I said we) I ended up confined to my bed hopped up on klonopin and seroquel. Not only am I incapable of dealing with my hurt and frustration, when I set myself to do somethings, it's go big or go home. This was a bad fucking idea. I kept seeing him and seeing him and by the next day I wanted to die. How do I do this slowly? He suggest a quick peek sprinkled here and there. 🤦‍♀️ Suppose he's right. Doing this slowly is the only way.

As I wished as a kid, I really wish 😪 I had no feelings. It's either too much or not at all. It's one of those feels that I actually wish I was just crazy...if it makes any sense. This suck balls dude.

Okay so that last entry was stupid. But in all seriousness now, I'm still high but hear me out. I'm trying hard not to laugh 😅 for like no apparent reason trying to be serious.

Okay so this experience is hard and I know I write about it alot. Well thats half of the reason I have this blog to vent and express myself because talking about this experience to normal people feels like I'm prepping myself to be burned at the steak. It happened before and I don't like the smell of burning flesh, how about you?

I think if it weren't for the birthday letter...

This wouldn't be a thing 🤦‍♀️. I didn't know him while he was alive but I had a sinking feeling to write a letter for Erik on his birthday in 2007! Pretty much asking him to find me. Well he died, saw my letter and must have had a meeting with the angels and so on and so forth 🙄. My whole life "looking" for some dude outside of FL just gone to the 🚽.

Maybe I should feel lucky that I have this experience? I don't honestly know sometimes. Only because of the bullshit I guess I put myself through for the sake of finding Erik before his death and forgetting he ever existed after his death. Its easy to think about the inconveniences of all this than it is to remember so much progress and the positives.

I feel guilty too sometimes.

God literally knows and he reminds me in his way that I'm in accord with what is good. I understand that having faith in God is having faith in everything and even everyone because God is everywhere and in everyone.

Some times when we are laughing it up, I wish more people could experience this. If he wasn't my tf I couldn't say the same and I do have friends like him on my spiritual team, --Because I know without a shadow of a doubt he is. But it's me. I'm his twin flame and sometimes it scares the living lights out of me.

3-Way (The Golden Rule) (feat. Justin Timberlake & Lady Gaga)

I've been in a cooking mood lately. Cruising on my mood swings of highs and lows. I went to culinary school even though I never graduated from high school. Long story. I got my degree 11 years ago last month and since then have barely done any work because my conditions have worsened. I wouldn't be able to handle the stress.

But I enjoy cooking and baking for family especially on special occasions. I worked in a bakery doing cake decorations and did some catering. The only thing I miss is all the neat food I've gotten to eat. Lavender rice is sooooo gooood! I know a lot of spanish and Italian food. I put lots of peppers in my food. Keeping It Spicy est. 1988!

So I've been wearing the chef hat for a few days. Gaining some weight...😑 Kind of mad about that....im dreading my Dr appointment on the 26th.

I'm going to work on getting a referral to see a neurologist. Make sure my brain is still working since my tics had been more frequent than normal and for a peace of mind. Make sure I'm not insane just yet...🙃 Such is life, such is my fucking fucked life!

I have to pinch myself...😆

Got two amazing men in my life. Don't mind me im just stoned. They are my buddies. Mis hombres. My peanut gallery and big sappy peeps! Lmao hahaha I may have my new favorite weed. 🌿 🚬 😙 💨 Yeah this one is dope because im not triggered into panic. Most weed makes me have a freakout. Not fun.

I'm going to be extremely immature and I don't care.

Okay so, I've been on The Pill for my PCOS and other obvious reasons. So far I'm like 2 or 3....yeah three months in and my boobs have grown about half a cup size???

I have a small rack but my body is very ⏳proportionate. Over the years I joked about getting a bewb job. I like squishy bewbs but mine hurt so much. Not my back at all though. Just feels like pulsating bean bags or squishy round things? Something like that? Sitting on my chest 🤣.

I'm totally straight.

My big-breasted friends let me poke their bewbs all the time. 🤪 Well, it's days gone by so I have my own new set of Cs on me. Lmao, I keep squishing them. Erik keeps telling me to stop it. Lol, buwahahahaha BOW DOWN BEFORE ZODDESS!...Yes like Zod.

Rick and I worked on his gaming computer and watched the Sonic movie. It was.....😒👎

Jim Carey WAS the movie.

Anyway, we are trying to solve a problem with his computer which seems to be working but won't bootload. So we've been transplanting parts from one computer case to another. It's a lot of crap. Long story short it was like we were playing Operation. Funny!

😘❤ Good night!

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(ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:・ﾟ✧Don’t forget to take a look at Erik’s blog run by his amazing mom Dr Elisa Medhus. Lots of stuff about his afterlife and 💩 at channelingerik.com.