#stdsupport

I am tired of disclosing. I tired of living my worst nightmare every day of my life. Most of the time I forget that I have this problem, but when it comes to relationships, it is the only thing I can think about. I am constantly thinking I am one conversation away from losing the person I had just met. 

Yeah, I have never had a bad disclosure experience, but that doesn’t mean it won’t happen. I have to disclose in the next few days and my stomach is in knots. I have this horrible feeling it won’t go well, but I am not going to freak out and cut someone off in case it does go well. 

I should be worried about graduating college and attending law school, but instead I am nervous as to how a boy will react to something that is completely out of my control. 

I get that “if they don’t accept you they’re not the one”, but it doesn’t mean that it won’t hurt to be rejected. I can practice this conversation a million times, and I will still be nervous. I can imagine getting thousands of different responses, but the thought of a negative response always kills me. 

It sucks because I think every day that my life could be entirely different if I didn’t have sex, or I could still be negative if I stayed in a relationship that I wasn’t happy in years ago, and I know i shouldn’t be thinking that way. I should be thinking that this is my life now and I have to move on, but when it comes time to tell someone what is going on, I always think unhealthy thoughts. 

I constantly see people on social media joking about herpes not even realizing that people are going through life with herpes. They are even ignorant to the fact that they might have it!!

I admit, I used to make herpes jokes myself, but once I was diagnosed with herpes, my ENTIRE outlook changed. I stopped making fun of SO many topics that were entirely out of people’s control (and so did my friends). My horizons opened and the way I thought about things have been very different. I have learned to be way more open minded and understanding than I have been before I was diagnosed.

I just wish people on twitter and Facebook could understand what we’re going through and learn that what we’re going through is not a joke. We’re not dirty, gross, sluts, or a disease. We’re human beings with feelings that are going through something that destroys our psychological health more than it destroys our physical health and seeing it constantly being laughed at doesn’t help us cope. Herpes, and any other STD/STIs for that matter, should not be made the butt of every punch line. I just wish some people realized that every comment that they make can hurt someone.

Obviously hookups are still an option.. if you want to disclose and have someone you ~most likely~ barely know, know about your positive status.

I, personally, couldn’t get myself to do it... until today.

I used to have constant sex from friends with benefits until my diagnosis, and to go from consistently having sex to not having sex was very difficult for me. I have never been the relationship type so learning how to deal with not being in a relationship and still being sexually active has been rough.

Tonight, I have wanted to have sex with someone in particular for a very long time and I finally had the opportunity to do so, so I disclosed while we were making out and he was like “fuck it”.

I was thinking about this a lot recently and honestly, I wish the CDC recommended getting tested for herpes because SO many people have herpes. I don’t wish that everyone would get tested because I might not have herpes today, but I wish they would recommend tested so that the stigma would end. I believe if they tested for it as often as they tested for chlaymdia, people wouldn’t fall into a pit of depression as soon as they are diagnosed with herpes.

People would realize that type 1 and type 2 are the same thing damn near and everyone wouldn’t stigmatize genital over oral. You can’t even be a contestant on the Bachelor if you’ve ever had a cold sore, which just blows my mind that the stigma runs that deep.

If everyone was tested for herpes, millions upon millions of people would realize that they have herpes and many people would no longer judge others for having it.

When I was first diagnosed, getting rejected within the dating process was my absolute worst fear. I thought that I would NEVER be able to over come that fear. Meeting someone new should be exciting, but for positives, it’s almost a worst nightmare come to life.

Recently, I have gotten over that fear. My thought process on dating has completely changed. I’ve now had situations such as relationships, hookups, and just friendships that haven’t been totally scared away and it’s opened my eyes to really understand how LITTLE and IRRELEVANT herpes really is.

Obviously I will still get a little nervous the next time I disclose, but if they think that it’s a deal breaker, then they wouldn’t be able to handle much harder things that come along in the future. It’s a nice little weed out tool to see who actually wants to stick around and wants to be with me.

I have a feeling I’m about to disclose to someone soon, and although I’m nervous, it’s a different kind of nervous compared to the first time. It’s more of a “rejection could happen” compared to “if he rejects me my entire life is over” sort of feeling.

I’m learning that dating gets easier as time goes on just like every aspect of life. It’s kind of just a part of me at this point. I don’t really even think about it and I forget that it’s a problem sometimes.

Hello to all,

Yes. It’s really me. 

First off, I’d like to apologize for my unannounced hiatus from Tumblr. 

For those of you who know, I recently (about 3 months ago) starting seeing a man that I was working with. It was my first time in over 6 months talking to somebody (in real life, not over the interwebs) who I had genuine feelings for & knew that disclosure would be necessary. It was my first time disclosing in person, and I was terrified. If you’re interested in the whole story, you can feel free to read my post about it here: http://stoptheglitterstigma.tumblr.com/post/137034899662/personal-disclosure-story

Now, here’s a little bit of wise words for those little herpeeps who, like me once upon a time, felt destined to a life of abstinence after diagnosis. I have been having sex with my S.O for almost 2 months now. I take two 400 mg tablets of Acyclovir daily for suppressive therapy & to reduce viral shedding, and I sometimes take 1,000 mg of lysine on top of that. Now, here’s the nitty gritty & an honest truth that I need no finger wagging about: while I do everything on my end to protect myself and my partner sexually (#1 way to do that is by COMMUNICATION), we both feel comfortable not using condoms. In fact, we’ve used a condom once, and that was the first time that we had sex. And want to know a cool little snippet? He doesn’t have herpes. I’m keeping my little herpes muggle 100% herpes free by knowing my body, understanding its signs & taking medication. 

While some of you may roll your eyes at my stupidity (did I not, and many of us, contract herpes in the first place by not using condoms?!) here is the reason that it is okay to have sex without a condom, herpes or no herpes: If you and your partner have an open and truthful conversation about each other’s status, what you’re comfortable with, hopes, dreams & aspirations in this world then you are 100% justified to make any decision in regards to your sexual health TOGETHER. If you have herpes & your partner is aware of this fact but only feels conformable engaging in sexual activity with a condom, then you use that condom! On the flipside, if you have herpes & your partner is aware of this fact and wants to NOT wear a condom, but you feel safer doing so-- then wear that condom! Every sexual decision made in a relationship should be communicated from both ends, and when it comes down to it, I think that if a person in the relationship feels safer using some sort of barrier methods then that practice gives priority, because safety is more important than sensation.

To make a short story long, many people in this community are not only petrified to have sex after their diagnosis for fear of transmitting the virus, but the thought of having sex without a condom seems almost downright homicide. The reason I do not have anxiety about this choice that my S.O and I have made together is because we are both aware of each other’s status, & have enough information about each other and our thoughts to make decisions for ourselves. I would be completely fine using a condom each time if my S.O desired that, because I care about his safety (not only about not physically contracting HSV, but possible anxiety that it might have caused him worrying about catching it). So when it comes down to it, I do not feel bad about not using condoms because my partner is educated enough about my status to made decisions for himself. If it comes down to it & he does eventually contract HSV, while it would be tough for both of us to deal with, we made an open, honest decision and there is nobody at fault for that.

I love you all.