#stdblog

I am tired of disclosing. I tired of living my worst nightmare every day of my life. Most of the time I forget that I have this problem, but when it comes to relationships, it is the only thing I can think about. I am constantly thinking I am one conversation away from losing the person I had just met. 

Yeah, I have never had a bad disclosure experience, but that doesn’t mean it won’t happen. I have to disclose in the next few days and my stomach is in knots. I have this horrible feeling it won’t go well, but I am not going to freak out and cut someone off in case it does go well. 

I should be worried about graduating college and attending law school, but instead I am nervous as to how a boy will react to something that is completely out of my control. 

I get that “if they don’t accept you they’re not the one”, but it doesn’t mean that it won’t hurt to be rejected. I can practice this conversation a million times, and I will still be nervous. I can imagine getting thousands of different responses, but the thought of a negative response always kills me. 

It sucks because I think every day that my life could be entirely different if I didn’t have sex, or I could still be negative if I stayed in a relationship that I wasn’t happy in years ago, and I know i shouldn’t be thinking that way. I should be thinking that this is my life now and I have to move on, but when it comes time to tell someone what is going on, I always think unhealthy thoughts. 

I AM HORNY CONSTANTLY. And yeah, I could tell someone that’d probably be okay with my status that’d slap on a condem and have sex with me, but I don’t want to have that talk just in case. Getting laid was so much easier when I thought I was negative. There needs to be a tinder just for herpes positives for sex only.

I constantly see people on social media joking about herpes not even realizing that people are going through life with herpes. They are even ignorant to the fact that they might have it!!

I admit, I used to make herpes jokes myself, but once I was diagnosed with herpes, my ENTIRE outlook changed. I stopped making fun of SO many topics that were entirely out of people’s control (and so did my friends). My horizons opened and the way I thought about things have been very different. I have learned to be way more open minded and understanding than I have been before I was diagnosed.

I just wish people on twitter and Facebook could understand what we’re going through and learn that what we’re going through is not a joke. We’re not dirty, gross, sluts, or a disease. We’re human beings with feelings that are going through something that destroys our psychological health more than it destroys our physical health and seeing it constantly being laughed at doesn’t help us cope. Herpes, and any other STD/STIs for that matter, should not be made the butt of every punch line. I just wish some people realized that every comment that they make can hurt someone.

When I was first diagnosed, I found out because of a friend of a friend of a friend who figured out me and this person slept with the same guy.. which wouldn’t be a big deal.. if this girl didn’t have chlamydia, HPV, HSV, and ~potentially~ undiagnosed syphilis.

This person believes that her sexual health is no one else’s business but her own and it absolutely is, ESPECIALLY if you are having sex with someone.. WITHOUT PROTECTION.

Does disclosing suck? Absolutely. Does anyone actually want to have this talk? HELL NO! But telling your future partners means that you are giving them the choice that damn near none of us positives got to have! You are letting them consent to the risk instead of having no idea what they’re getting into!

Knowing that this person is continuing to have sex without disclosing is so frustrating because I have no right to say anything to the people they take home, but it’s gut wrenching. It’s gut wrenching because they are living a life that they don’t have and are constantly lying and not worried about what happens to others. It’s gut wrenching because this person took the life I wanted away from me, but continued to live their life like normal. While I have “the talk” with different people constantly and they never have to worry about it.

I have now disclosed to three people, and although I have not gotten any negative responses, disclosing never gets less nerve wracking.

I have recently met a boy and it’s going well, which means I have to disclose soon... very soon.

We have been on three dates and they have gone very well, but anything could happen.

He might be accepting without any questions asked, he might be thrown off guard and ask a million questions, he might just know nothing about herpes, or it might be an instant deal breaker.

I have no idea when I’m disclosing and I don’t know how long I should push it off, or how soon is too soon. My self confidence is much higher than it used to be when I was first diagnosed so I’m mentally prepared with whatever his response to me disclosing is, but I’m still petrified.

For people that are disclosing soon, yes it is scary, but it does get easier. One day someone will be fully accepting and not give a shit about our status and we will never have to disclose again.

I was thinking about this a lot recently and honestly, I wish the CDC recommended getting tested for herpes because SO many people have herpes. I don’t wish that everyone would get tested because I might not have herpes today, but I wish they would recommend tested so that the stigma would end. I believe if they tested for it as often as they tested for chlaymdia, people wouldn’t fall into a pit of depression as soon as they are diagnosed with herpes.

People would realize that type 1 and type 2 are the same thing damn near and everyone wouldn’t stigmatize genital over oral. You can’t even be a contestant on the Bachelor if you’ve ever had a cold sore, which just blows my mind that the stigma runs that deep.

If everyone was tested for herpes, millions upon millions of people would realize that they have herpes and many people would no longer judge others for having it.