#herpbler

Back in the day, I was sexually assaulted in a college dorm room while I was completely unconscious. I woke up, not even knowing that I was sexually assaulted and I did not find out until about two months later because I miscarried a child that I didn’t know I had since I thought I DID NOT HAVE SEX DURING THOSE TWO MONTHS.

I confronted him because I knew it was sexual assault, but he was so manipulative that he lead to me to believe that it was completely consensual and that we loved each other.

I did not have the chance to report the incident because I knew it wouldn’t have gone anywhere because I found out two months too late so there was no proof, and I continued to date him for another month because I was completely brainwashed.

During health class shortly after, we had a BIG lesson on sexual assault and they taught us the three main rules of consent which were voluntary, verbal, and sober. It finally hit me that you might be in love with the person, but that doesn’t matter if they RAPED you. They did not have “drunk sex” with your unconscious body. They RAPED your unconscious body.

The other night, I was with a boy I have been seeing for about a month now and he knows that I have been sexually assaulted before. Since I’m a legal studies major, I like to talk about politics a lot, and Kavanaugh is the talk of the town right now. I thought this wouldn’t be a bad topic because he knows what I’ve been though... APPARENTLY HE DIDN’T CARE.

He proceeded to say that “the woman who came forward had no right to do so since it has been so long, and if it was such a problem, she should’ve reported it then instead of ruining his life later on. Someone should not be held to their mistakes forever”.

I burst into tears damn near immediately since he knew DAMN GOOD AND WELL I didn’t report my incident. But if the boy who RAPED me was about to be in a position of power on the SUPREME FUCKING COURT OF THE UNITED STATES, you bet your ass I would be telling people right then and there! I also believe that rape is not a mistake. It is a conscious act that you make. You can absolutely regret raping someone for the rest of you life like you would any other mistake, but you should pay for the actions of sexual assault. Just because you got away with it while you were fifteen, doesn’t mean that you can avoid it for the rest of your life. You broke the person you assaulted mentally, physically, and emotionally while NOTHING happens to you. What about the victims? What about US?

We go through PTSD and clinical depression after. We can’t trust anyone for a while after and sex is not the same for a long time. I still cry in the middle of sex for no reason sometimes and it has been THREE YEARS. How come I am stuck with all these new found psychological issues while my attacker is not affected in the slightest? How is it fair that his life is fine and my life fell apart?

Kavanaugh potentially being on the Supreme Court is not easy to watch for people who have been sexually assaulted. Trump being elected president hasn’t been easy to watch for people who have been sexually assaulted. By electing this man and confirming the other, everyone is basically saying a big “fuck you” to the victims of sexual assault. We are sitting here blaming ourselves for what happened and watching our attackers live their lives like nothing happened.

The woman who was sexually grabbed by Trump? She had to watch him become president. Or how about Paula Jones? The woman who rejected Clinton’s unwanted sexual advances toward her and almost lost her job over it? She also had to watch him stay in his position of power as president. The WOMEN who have stepped forward about Kavanaugh? Might have to watch him sit on the Supreme Court. My attacker? Now has a family and a baby.

What is currently happening in politics at this moment is hard for ANYONE who has ever been sexually assaulted, both men and women. IT IS EXCRUCIATING AND MENTALLY DRAINING. My depression and anxiety has gotten worse just from seeing the Kavanaugh confirmation continue to happen.

Yes, the Kavanaugh nomination has nothing to do with me, but at the same time is has EVERYTHING to do with me. It has EVERYTHING to do with ANYONE who has ever been victimized.

I am tired of disclosing. I tired of living my worst nightmare every day of my life. Most of the time I forget that I have this problem, but when it comes to relationships, it is the only thing I can think about. I am constantly thinking I am one conversation away from losing the person I had just met. 

Yeah, I have never had a bad disclosure experience, but that doesn’t mean it won’t happen. I have to disclose in the next few days and my stomach is in knots. I have this horrible feeling it won’t go well, but I am not going to freak out and cut someone off in case it does go well. 

I should be worried about graduating college and attending law school, but instead I am nervous as to how a boy will react to something that is completely out of my control. 

I get that “if they don’t accept you they’re not the one”, but it doesn’t mean that it won’t hurt to be rejected. I can practice this conversation a million times, and I will still be nervous. I can imagine getting thousands of different responses, but the thought of a negative response always kills me. 

It sucks because I think every day that my life could be entirely different if I didn’t have sex, or I could still be negative if I stayed in a relationship that I wasn’t happy in years ago, and I know i shouldn’t be thinking that way. I should be thinking that this is my life now and I have to move on, but when it comes time to tell someone what is going on, I always think unhealthy thoughts. 

I constantly see people on social media joking about herpes not even realizing that people are going through life with herpes. They are even ignorant to the fact that they might have it!!

I admit, I used to make herpes jokes myself, but once I was diagnosed with herpes, my ENTIRE outlook changed. I stopped making fun of SO many topics that were entirely out of people’s control (and so did my friends). My horizons opened and the way I thought about things have been very different. I have learned to be way more open minded and understanding than I have been before I was diagnosed.

I just wish people on twitter and Facebook could understand what we’re going through and learn that what we’re going through is not a joke. We’re not dirty, gross, sluts, or a disease. We’re human beings with feelings that are going through something that destroys our psychological health more than it destroys our physical health and seeing it constantly being laughed at doesn’t help us cope. Herpes, and any other STD/STIs for that matter, should not be made the butt of every punch line. I just wish some people realized that every comment that they make can hurt someone.

I have now disclosed to three people, and although I have not gotten any negative responses, disclosing never gets less nerve wracking.

I have recently met a boy and it’s going well, which means I have to disclose soon... very soon.

We have been on three dates and they have gone very well, but anything could happen.

He might be accepting without any questions asked, he might be thrown off guard and ask a million questions, he might just know nothing about herpes, or it might be an instant deal breaker.

I have no idea when I’m disclosing and I don’t know how long I should push it off, or how soon is too soon. My self confidence is much higher than it used to be when I was first diagnosed so I’m mentally prepared with whatever his response to me disclosing is, but I’m still petrified.

For people that are disclosing soon, yes it is scary, but it does get easier. One day someone will be fully accepting and not give a shit about our status and we will never have to disclose again.

Obviously hookups are still an option.. if you want to disclose and have someone you ~most likely~ barely know, know about your positive status.

I, personally, couldn’t get myself to do it... until today.

I used to have constant sex from friends with benefits until my diagnosis, and to go from consistently having sex to not having sex was very difficult for me. I have never been the relationship type so learning how to deal with not being in a relationship and still being sexually active has been rough.

Tonight, I have wanted to have sex with someone in particular for a very long time and I finally had the opportunity to do so, so I disclosed while we were making out and he was like “fuck it”.

I was thinking about this a lot recently and honestly, I wish the CDC recommended getting tested for herpes because SO many people have herpes. I don’t wish that everyone would get tested because I might not have herpes today, but I wish they would recommend tested so that the stigma would end. I believe if they tested for it as often as they tested for chlaymdia, people wouldn’t fall into a pit of depression as soon as they are diagnosed with herpes.

People would realize that type 1 and type 2 are the same thing damn near and everyone wouldn’t stigmatize genital over oral. You can’t even be a contestant on the Bachelor if you’ve ever had a cold sore, which just blows my mind that the stigma runs that deep.

If everyone was tested for herpes, millions upon millions of people would realize that they have herpes and many people would no longer judge others for having it.