#hsv2

I'm so alone. Like utterly and completely lonely and alone. I'm 32 and I've never had a real relationship. To complicate matters, I have several chronic illnesses that I struggle with daily. I have to work around several old injuries from gymnastics that cause me to have physical limitations and pain. And last year I tested positive for hsv 2 after a guy I briefly date lied to me and just kind of inserted his penis onto me without asking first. Sure we were fooling around but he just put it in. And then told me he was clean. He wasn't. Now I'm not. And this past weekend a guy I really clicked with told me he could never be with someone with an std after i disclosed to him. And I've never felt so dirty. Undesirable. Unlovable.

And just now I lost a huge spider under my bed and it's just crawling around down there mocking me. Reminding me I can't do anything right. Reminding me that every part of my life is dirty, untouchable.

And a year and a half ago, my mom died. Suddenly. And I miss my best friend more than I ever thought I could miss anything. The pain is unbearable. And she was the only one who loved me unconditionally. And now I'm so alone. I miss her.

I'm ranting but I'm just so tired. So lonely. So exhausted.

So I completely forgot about this blog and have recently found it again.

It’s two years later and reading what I wrote makes me want to cry for myself. I honestly was so convinced my life was over and I can completely tell you, it is not!

I won’t lie, I was very low for a fair while and I cried about it a lot. I continued to google every which way under the sun and continued to terrify myself. I read so many statistics it made my mind swim.

But slowly I accepted what had happened.

I was so angry about it and so upset. I did some research into testing for it and in the uk apparently doctors don’t routinely test for herpes for 3 main reasons:

1) the tests are roughly 50% accurate if it is not swabbing an actual sore. A blood test will just test for antibodies and as not every person who carries the virus reacts to it, some people might be carrying the virus and not have needed to produce antibodies

2) the nhs doesn’t consider herpes to be dangerous enough to need testing for regularly. Let’s face it, you wouldn’t go to the doctor after kissing a stranger on a night out and ask them to take a blood test to test for a cold sore (hsv1 herpes) just in case

3) doctors consider the mental health implications of knowing you have the virus, worse than the symptoms of the virus itself so they almost think it’s better that sometimes people don’t know. I can personally attest to this.

Every site you go to the statistics vary slightly but the general consensus is that roughly 80% of the population have herpes (hsv1/hsv2).

I thought this diagnosis would be the end of my sex life, no one would want to touch me again. I was so wrong. Using barrier contraception like condoms really does minimise the potential for passing it on.

There is lots of talk on the internet of whether people need to disclose a herpes diagnosis or not to new partners. Again after all, people would disclose that they’ve had a cold sore before. I’m still undecided on this one but so far I have told my partners before sleeping with them. I can tell you now that no one has ran for the hills, in fact most don’t even care.

I’ve learnt a lot, in fact if I was on mastermind now I think my specialist subject could be herpes!

Basically the herpes virus lives in your nerves and can flare up from time to time, lots of things can trigger this from a cut, to stress or illness. Not every time you have a flare up, you have an actual outbreak with the little blisters. When you have a flare up with or without the blisters, it’s called viral shedding and this is called viral shedding. You are particularly contagious when viral shedding, and if you don’t always have blisters, this is why it’s so important to use protection as you don’t know when this happens.

Your first outbreak is usually considered the worst and in my experience it completely was! Since then I’ve had a few outbreaks. But now an outbreak consists of one tiny blister.

My doctors put my antiviral on a repeat prescription for me so I have made it so that I always have a pack in my bathroom cupboard so I can start them as soon as I feel one coming. It’s only a two day course.

Honestly it doesn’t affect my life massively at all now. It’s all manageable and I had no reason to worry.

Obviously I would prefer to have continued living my life without herpes. But it really is no different now I’m living with it.

I’m even now at the point where sometimes I go weeks without remembering that I have herpes.

Honestly all I could say to someone going through a diagnosis is, be sad if you need to be for a while but know there is a light at the end of the tunnel and it does not mean your life is over.

Apparently if you've ever had a cold sore, you have HSV-1, which is the herpes simplex virus. The virus stays in your body for your entire life. You can still pass it onto people when you do not have a current cold sore through things like sharing utensils, kissing, and oral sex.

67% of those under the age of 50 in global population have it.

HSV 1 is more commonly associated with cold sores on the mouth, but is also prevalent as a form of genital herpes. HSV 2 is the main herpes virus associated with genital herpes, but can also occur on the mouth (which actually seems to be less likely). HSV 2 is found in around 13% of the global population under the age of 50. If you're 51 WHO doesn't have stats for you because people past the age of 50 never have sex/s.

HSV 2 gives someone an increased risk of getting HIV. From research so far, HSV 1 doesn't seem to do that. Both can be inherently more dangerous to those with weakened immune systems.

Another main difference is that HSV 1 typically doesn't have as many flare ups and periods of viral shedding (being contagious).

There are antiviral meds that decrease the frequency of flare ups and that can make it less likely to pass on to another person, but there's nothing that completely stops it from spreading or acting up.

I didn't want this. I never asked for it, and now I have to be okay being by myself forever. No one will willingly be with me, I wouldn't be with me. I don't want to be the butt of the joke, and we used protection, so that fucking sucks, okay?

I love reading smut and the romance side of it, but sometimes it makes me sad. Cause I won't have that and can't have that.