#smi

In my job, I work with people living with severe mental illness, diagnoses like schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, and borderline personality disorder, among others. I like to joke that my career in politics prepared me for this work (there’s some truth to that 😅). In reality, I think it’s my intuition and genuine care for people that led me here. I’ve always been able to read people well, which served me in politics, but over time the constant noise of that world wore me down. These days, I put that same energy into helping others heal.

I love hard, but I also suffer no fools even harder. My husband says that part of me scares him, and he’s probably not wrong. But I digress. 😬😅

Last night one of my clients living with schizophrenia stopped by the office. He just needed someone to talk to, to be heard, and I was grateful to be there for him. Moments like that always put my own worries in perspective.

Schizophrenia is a serious mental health condition that affects how a person thinks, feels, and experiences reality. People may experience hallucinations, seeing or hearing things that aren’t real, delusions, strong false beliefs such as feeling watched or targeted, and disorganized thoughts that make communication difficult. They can also struggle with low motivation, emotional flatness, and social withdrawal. It’s a condition that can bring confusion, fear, and deep isolation, but with treatment, therapy, and strong support, many people with schizophrenia can and do live meaningful, fulfilling lives.

Even if someone’s autism doesn’t cause significant problems for someone to do basic activities of daily living, live independently, or maintain safe behaviors, another condition might.

I’m autistic. My level when I was diagnosed at 17 (I’m 21 now) was level 1. While I don’t feel like this is entirely accurate to how my autism affects me now it’s still my diagnosis.

But I have other things going on with me. I have severe depression that has resulted in multiple hospitalizations. I think like 7? in the last 3 years. My mental illness is so severe that I am frequently at risk of being hospitalized, and when I am hospitalized it’s usually for a week or longer instead of the normal 5-7 days. I’m worried if I can’t stay out of the hospital for longer periods they might recommend a residential placement, but luckily that hasn’t been on the table yet.

I get to the point where I get nervous sharing my autism level publicly online because I get nervous people will think I’m low support needs. But that isn’t my reality. I’m definitely not high support needs. I don’t need constant care and can do all my every day hygiene without any physical support. But there’s a lot I can’t do.

I can’t live independently without being hospitalized within 1-2 months. I can’t maintain employment without severe mental decline leading to hospitalization. I can’t maintain safe behaviors like not hurting myself for long periods of time. I can’t manage my own medication because of safety risks. I can’t keep my space clean. My ptsd is so bad that often times I can’t say no with my mouth. I am eligible for home and community based services. Which in my state requires that a person needs a nursing home level of care.

There’s a lot of things that I can do. And I’m very grateful for that. I’m nowhere near the most disabled. But when people compare me to people who can live on their own and mask and work without completely breaking down I just feel like I can never measure up. My life feels like it’s not amounting to as much as other level 1 autistic people my age and I feel like it’s because I’m not good enough or trying hard enough.

But there are lots of disabilities than can cause a person to have severe problems with independent living and daily activities. A person who is mostly bedbound due to a physical disability doesn’t have low support needs just because they aren’t autistic or are level 1. A person with severe mental illness who is living in a group home or state hospital doesn’t have low support needs.

I'm going to uni in September to study biology and stuff but started noticing weird episodes where:

•Very terrified in own home at night. And even sometimes during day but that less often

•Hear and see things that aren't there (don't hear voices. just like footsteps and doors opening and closing)

•Believe something that recognise after episode ends was absolute nonsense

•Body feel different each time look at it

Episodes like that have been happening for a while and last 4-8 months roughly and like, I can live with that but noticed other stuff too

•Words harder to get out. And switch words that completely random

•Memory now useless for short term (it used to be bad (because ADHD) but functional whereas now it's basically obsolete) so lose all pairs of keys and can't remember entire days

•See and hear things more vividly during episode

•At one point world just not feel real at all

Doubt it schizophrenia but sort of want to check it not something need be worried about

big takeaway: as it pertains to your health, anon: psychosis isn't always indicative of a mental illness. it can be caused by vitamin deficiencies, infections, etc etc. your doctor may order a lab test to check for things that may be amiss, even an mri, something like that.

so , i wanna preface this that doctors still don't know if i have schizophrenia or not. currently the consensus is "no" but im taking medication that is only approved for schizophrenia and i don't know if my insurance covers it without a schizophrenia diagnosis.

my parents don't think i have it. they think i have autistic catatonia + stress induced psychosis. its really a toss up right now. i personally identify with a lot of the schizospec community in how my brain processes things thats markedly different than how i used to before.

anyway, this is my *personal* experience. its not a benchmark for everyone. just maybe something you can find peace in. i hope.