#sigyn devotion

June 17, 2022

Dearest Sigyn,

How do I start this? How can I even begin to express what’s in my heart right now? All I know is that I want to give back to you. I want to truly devote myself to you, my time, my energy, my words, my heart. Let this be a sign. Let this be the first step I take toward you on my own. Let this show that I am willing, and not only am I willing to go down this path, to take this journey with you, not only am I willing, this is my desire. I desire your presence. I love you for you and I love you for us. I love how you make me feel. Let this be its own devotion — I allow myself to be moved by you.

I am no longer standing still, rooted in place by fear, denial, indecision. I choose to walk with you. I will allow myself to be guided by you with hopes and dreams, but not trying to constantly be in control. I can’t promise that all of these things will fall away from this point on. You of all know that mourning, pain, and healing have their own process and timeline and agenda. But this is me being willing to give these to you. When I succumb to fear again, please hold me again, whisper rest into my ears and heart.

You lit a fire in me that I’d given up on. The things you didn’t say spoke volumes. I didn’t have to hear your voice. I felt you. I felt my heart connect in a way I didn’t know hearts could. Mine is so full and I wish I had the words, but I know that you know, and for now that is enough.

I want the world to know your unwavering love. I want to yell your name on street corners. I want this safety and security for every single person who has wandered lost through the dark woods. I want the world to see your light and feel your love. Make me your vessel.. Make me your messenger. I give myself to you and your service.

With all my love,

Sometimes the sheer endless chaos of the universe (and my life) is overwhelming and I sink into that cacophony. I have a tendency to lose track of the every day important things when I get obsessed with the novel and the exciting - even if that's in a negative way like focusing on the ways my depression or mania are manifesting. Work, relationships, my own health (mental and physical) get lost in the whirlwind. I sleep all day, missing appointments, avoiding commitments, then stay up way too late reading and writing and thinking at a mile a minute.

Reading about and meditating on Sigyn is a good way of grounding myself: reminding myself that stability isn't weakness and that sometimes the mundane requires attention so that the creative and cerebral - art and the pursuit of new knowledge and experience - can be explored more efficiently. So thank you Sigyn for manifesting tonight, letting me find your book again and showing yourself and your spirit in the kindness and care of the people who care about me. You hold the bowl and keep the chaos at bay: our Lady of the blessed mundane, the foundational baseline to the harmonies of the turmultuous universe.

So here’s what was from the book:

* 1/4 cup Himalayan pink salt or sea salt in a full bathtub

* sit in bathtub and add smoky and clear quartz

*soak for 10 mins with eyes closed while repeating the mantra

*remove crystals from the tub and then drain it, remaining in the tub until the water drains out

* cleanse crystals

The mantra provided is “I fill myself with a pure cleansing white light”

(Karen Frazier does it better and there’s a bunch more good stuff in this entry. Go read it.)

I didn’t really vibe with the mantra, so I started to write my own dedicated to Loki and Sigyn and it sort of took on a life of its own. Here’s what I wrote and what I really want to share:

“May the wildfire, force of nature, God Loki of fire, Sweet Sigyn of sun, may all that no longer serves me be burned away by your love. Let your love for me and each other purify me and fill me with bright white healing light that I may love as you do. Grace of the Bowl Holder, cunning of the Trickster God, Goddess of Security, Goddess of Chaos, help me walk through this world with the healing fire of Justice tempered by the Love of all things sacred.”

I’m extra, so I added some other crystals: obsidian, hematite, rose quartz, amethyst, and pyrite/fools gold (obvi)

I also lit three candles: one for me, one for Sigyn, and one for Loki

After the bath water draining, I rinsed myself off with cold water.

It was really truly wonderful.

As I try to untangle myself from the cycles of generational trauma and the trauma that was heaped on top of it by my own parents, I want to burn like fire, but be guided by love. I don’t want to lose the scars, but I now know I no longer need to suffer. I can heal. I deserve to heal. One thing I have learned with working with Loki’s family is the depth of love and complexity there.

My family is complicated. It’s broken at every joint, all of us disconnected and hurting and traumatized in our own way. It’s a small family, but there’s a lot of pain. With Loki’s family? I have found a partner in Loki, a friend in Sigyn, a brother in Fenrir, a mother in Angrboda, and connected deeply with others devoted to these deities. That’s what healing is about. It’s about connection. I cannot try to bring healing to my own family without healing for myself.

As I continue to go deeper into this journey with this wonderful crazy beautiful family, I’ve found a safety and comfort I’ve never known in my life. I cry on my mother’s lap, I rest in my partner’s arms, I learn from my friend, I fight side-by-side with my brother and there are more I have not yet connected with. I never knew that healing on this scale, of this magnitude, was possible.

I never understood unconditional love. I fought against it in my life in this realm. My wife and I have been together nearly 8 years, married 2 1/2 and until recently, would look at her and fear that someday she will decided I am too big, too much, and she would leave. She would be one more in a long line of trauma. But she has stayed. Loki’s family has helped me understand how that’s possible. I have lived in unconditional love with my wife, but I didn’t trust it until I felt Sigyn and Loki’s hands over mine as I held the bowl over my own head and Sigyn told me that there was no distance, no where I could go that they wouldn’t find me and bring me home.

By Wild Grace

I wasn’t expecting to touch you.

Whatever I was expecting,

it wasn’t the weight of your body

pressed against mine.

It wasn’t the heaviness of your arms around me.

It wasn’t the whispers of your fingertips,

or the shouts of skin touching skin

for the first time.

It wasn’t your hand on my hip

and his in mine.

I have heard your words many times,

but never your voice.

I’ve seen your shape many times,

but never your face.

You’ve been in my world,

walked and talked with me here,

slept in my bed,

but in your world I can *feel* you.

Your touch is the heaviest and lightest thing

that has ever graced my body.

It burns like gin and soothes like aloe,

swirling around me