#angrboda devotion

By Wild Grace

Your first words to me

were more cold winter air than howl,

more silence than speech,

gentle almost, in the way of a tired soldier.

I clutched your figurine in a fist,

ready to fight, wanting to flee.

and you answered the question that has haunted me

from the time I learned to speak.

You whispered,

“Some things are unbreakable —

until they are not.”

I, too, have watched my child’s bonds

grow tighter with every struggle.

I have sat with her and wept with her,

and wept *for* her.

I, too, have bitten off

the hand that betrayed me.

When the storm threatened to take me

you said to me,

“Some things are unbreakable —

until they are not.”

Our Great Mother sang lullabies in my ears

when the woman who birthed me

held me down

because I would not stop crying.

I flung our Mother’s compassion in her face.

When my heart hardened,

you assured me,

“Some things are unbreakable —

until they are not.”

You, too, know what it is

to be tied down and mocked.

You, too, know what it is

to be called strong as they

spit in your face

and talk behind your back.

You, too, know what it is

to never be satisfied

with the scraps you are thrown.

You spoke to me then,

and you speak to me now:

“Some things are unbreakable —

until they are not.”

While I plot my Ragnarok,

I dream of washing the world

in fire and blood,

to break apart,

to tear down,

to expose,

to avenge,

to bring honor to our families —

the survivors of *their* order and justice.

It is by your example,

Great Monster,

Insatiable Wolf,

Devourer of the Sun,

Being of Darkness and Hunger.

You stand by my side at the end of this world

and shake yourself,

blood rushing back into your limbs.

With a growl, baring teeth

that long to tear

into traitorous throats,

you snarl,

“Come, brother.

So here’s what was from the book:

* 1/4 cup Himalayan pink salt or sea salt in a full bathtub

* sit in bathtub and add smoky and clear quartz

*soak for 10 mins with eyes closed while repeating the mantra

*remove crystals from the tub and then drain it, remaining in the tub until the water drains out

* cleanse crystals

The mantra provided is “I fill myself with a pure cleansing white light”

(Karen Frazier does it better and there’s a bunch more good stuff in this entry. Go read it.)

I didn’t really vibe with the mantra, so I started to write my own dedicated to Loki and Sigyn and it sort of took on a life of its own. Here’s what I wrote and what I really want to share:

“May the wildfire, force of nature, God Loki of fire, Sweet Sigyn of sun, may all that no longer serves me be burned away by your love. Let your love for me and each other purify me and fill me with bright white healing light that I may love as you do. Grace of the Bowl Holder, cunning of the Trickster God, Goddess of Security, Goddess of Chaos, help me walk through this world with the healing fire of Justice tempered by the Love of all things sacred.”

I’m extra, so I added some other crystals: obsidian, hematite, rose quartz, amethyst, and pyrite/fools gold (obvi)

I also lit three candles: one for me, one for Sigyn, and one for Loki

After the bath water draining, I rinsed myself off with cold water.

It was really truly wonderful.

As I try to untangle myself from the cycles of generational trauma and the trauma that was heaped on top of it by my own parents, I want to burn like fire, but be guided by love. I don’t want to lose the scars, but I now know I no longer need to suffer. I can heal. I deserve to heal. One thing I have learned with working with Loki’s family is the depth of love and complexity there.

My family is complicated. It’s broken at every joint, all of us disconnected and hurting and traumatized in our own way. It’s a small family, but there’s a lot of pain. With Loki’s family? I have found a partner in Loki, a friend in Sigyn, a brother in Fenrir, a mother in Angrboda, and connected deeply with others devoted to these deities. That’s what healing is about. It’s about connection. I cannot try to bring healing to my own family without healing for myself.

As I continue to go deeper into this journey with this wonderful crazy beautiful family, I’ve found a safety and comfort I’ve never known in my life. I cry on my mother’s lap, I rest in my partner’s arms, I learn from my friend, I fight side-by-side with my brother and there are more I have not yet connected with. I never knew that healing on this scale, of this magnitude, was possible.

I never understood unconditional love. I fought against it in my life in this realm. My wife and I have been together nearly 8 years, married 2 1/2 and until recently, would look at her and fear that someday she will decided I am too big, too much, and she would leave. She would be one more in a long line of trauma. But she has stayed. Loki’s family has helped me understand how that’s possible. I have lived in unconditional love with my wife, but I didn’t trust it until I felt Sigyn and Loki’s hands over mine as I held the bowl over my own head and Sigyn told me that there was no distance, no where I could go that they wouldn’t find me and bring me home.