#sickblogging

when i first started getting rly sick i put a tag filter on 'long covid' bc im the kind of person who gets caught up in hypotheticals and gets rly scared. but more and more these days i find i look at the 'view post' button with a kind of tantalized interest, oh, thats my special illness. oh thats the illness i have its Mine. its strange, the offset affection i feel for covid now given that it has done so much to make my life harder, to say nothing of like the entire rest of the world. i guess its in part the familiarity. i know this virus down to my bones now. its in my heart and brain, running through me all the time. i think it can make sense to feel care for something that has left a mark on you

is it going to fix whatever's physically wrong with me? No! but a big warm mug of hot chocolate with some irish cream dumped in would at least be super tasty which will do wonders for my mood so we're going to go with that and call it "treatment"

I was so skeptical of going to this functional medicine NP who doesn’t take insurance, but she’s shockingly helpful…she’s not even doing any woo-woo stuff, she’s just ordering tests for me that are revealing conditions that can be treated with prescription medications lmao….soooo cool that almost every medical provider before her was just like “that sounds bad but we’ve done everything we could do.”

Trying to iron out my new post-paxlovid supplement regimen and wound up just making myself frustration-cry that I'm having to do this. I thought I grieved this whole nightmare of a global experience already- i have to look at just how much refusal there is to handle the pandemic (and now clusterfuck of other viruses!!) responsibly every day, I hate that it still has to bother me. What were the 2 years of moral-injury-turned-catatonia for then. I know anger is fuel for action but it also burns me out pretty bad. I need to be something else. But I won't let it be permissive/passive either, so I don't know what I'm going to do with myself yet. My entire raison d'etre & established personhood is built around a deep faith in people and what we can do for each other, to see almost every opportunity for meaningful care rejected eats at me. I'm supposed to be gentle and compassionate, I can't stand feeling this hatred.

okay here we go…7/27/24 … dying with a bad cold and sore as fuck throat for the last two days …. just want to be in a coma for the next few days until it’s gone 😭❤️‍🩹 🥺