#selfloathing

Note: I just needed to process some thoughts and I really wish there would be a caretaker out there for everyone. Someone who is just there and knows what to say and what to do - or at least tries. Someone whose love does not depend on performances and results but is just unconditionally (to be clear, I´m not necessarily talking about romantic love.) Someone who gives you the feeling you deserve the world and every happiness in it. Maybe it´s just unrealistic wishful thinking. Maybe those someones will only ever exist in fiction. And maybe it´s just too much to ask from the universe. But sometimes I still wish there could be the perfect caretaker for everyone.

I just realised I´m describing a dog :')

“Whumpee?” Caretaker knocked on the door. They hadn´t seen Whumpee all day and were now beginning to worry. They didn´t want to disturb Whumpee when they clearly needed time to themself but since it was already noon, whumpee really should eat something.

There was no answer from behind the door. They knocked again, louder this time. They heard a sniffle, but still no answer.

“Whumpee, I´m coming in now.”

Caretaker opened the door just to find Whumpee lying on the floor, curled up in a ball, the skinny body shaking with sobs terribly. In a matter of seconds Caretaker rushed towards Whumpee and got down in front of them. Their hands reached out but they didn´t dare touch Whumpee – not until they knew what was going on.

“Whumpee, what´s going on? Please talk to me.”

“Please go away. Leave me alone.” Whumpee sounded so miserably that it broke Caretaker´s heart. “No, I won´t. You know you can tell me anything. You don´t have to, of course, but please, Whumpee, please tell how I can help you.” Whumpee raised their head and looked up to Caretaker with red and swollen eyes. Guilt spread in Caretaker´s stomach; they had been crying for hours and Caretaker hadn´t even notice.

“That´s the problem. I don´t want you to help me.” Whumpee´s voice was just little more than a tired whisper. “I don´t- It´s just-“ Their voice broke as another wave of sobs overtook them.

Caretaker laid their hand on Whumpee´s back, slowly so they won´t get scared. As if this gesture had broken the dam, Whumpee threw themself into Caretaker´s arms. They both just sat there minute after minute: Caretaker drawing soothing circles on Whumpee´s back and Whumpee still crying and sobbing uncontrollably. They sat there until Whumpee´s sobs had stopped and the crying became silent.

“I need you”, Whumpee began after a while. “I need you for everything. There is not a single thing I can do by myself. And I just-“ Caretaker didn´t respond not wanting to interrupt Whumpee.

“I know you love me, I do, but you are always there for me, every single day, all the time. And yet, I just take and take and take and give nothing back. I don´t HAVE anything to give back.”

“Whumpee-“ Caretaker couldn´t let Whumpee fall down that trail in their thoughts but Whumpee didn´t let them continue.

“I need you so damn much. And even though you love me, you don´t- you don´t need me. If I was gone you could just find somebody else to love; you could go onwith your life, but me, me? I would-“ Another sob broke its way through, and Whumpee´s face was yet again wet with tears.

“I´m just never enough. No matter how hard I try I´m never enough. I don´t deserve you.” Whumpee´s voice became softer with every word.

“Oh Whumpee. Please tell me you don’t really believe that.” Caretaker was shocked at the confession Whumpee had made. It made their chest feel tight and their heart heavy. “With you gone I would be a wreck” After a pause where they really had thought about their next words, Caretaker continued, still with Whumpee in their arms. “You are right, I don´t need you to help me the way I help you, but I still need you. You understand? I. Need. You. You make me happy; you make me feel loved; you make me a better person. Isn´t that enough?”

Whumpee sniffled and said nothing in return.

If there’s a spot in Hell,

I would like to reserve it;

everyone up here hates me,

the person i am and the person i’ve always wanted to be are so inherently different... the only way i can think to get closer to her is to just stop being myself, never speak, never interact with anyone...

every now and then i get reminders from people who are more like what i want to be than i am, that they find me disgusting, and it hurts cuz i agree with them, but feel like i can’t do anything about it.

i can’t love the person i am any more than i can just stop being her.

the best i can do is just try to not think about anything and focus instead on life itself... but relationships are a big part of life and everyone reacting to me reminds me how far from who i want to be i really am.

 i want to be able to say what i want and not worry about other people twisting my words to mean something else in their heads and getting upset over something that had no ill intent behind it, but i care so fucking much about having friends and shit...