Dec 20, 2019
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i drew the target on my forehead, and swung
i dig holes and bury my treasures. so that no one will be able to find them. not even me. i self-sabotage, and self-destruct. i can't help the way i am, and the way i am, has taught me that it's everyones fault but mine. i fuck myself over so that you can't do the deed. i crave your understanding, and i fear it. who can possibly, comprehend me?
consistent
If there's anything that I'm consistent in, it's being inconsistent.
True to self
I’ve done so much thinking about who I really am and what I really want to be, especially being a college student and all. I constantly think “is this really what will make me happy?”, and my mind instantly drifts to the short term positive returns. But what about the long term? I mean, the current major I’m going for has extremely wide availability for employment and the wages would be more than comfortable to live on with a low stress environment, but I’d be bored.
So I think to myself, “is it worth it to have a career for a while that pays well and leaves me financially comfortable enough at the cost of boredom and work satisfaction?” And, in reality, it is. One day I’ll have the necessary means to devote my free time and energy towards a new career. Go back to college to learn a more interesting but less paying subject (like an Art, Music, or Psychology/Sociology degree) in the future, work and learn - be happy.
But in the moment, I’m stressed and I don’t have any certainty that any of this will work out. My hope feels so dismally small. Right now I’m failing two classes and my life feels like it’s in ruins. My family is falling apart, people are getting sick, I hear the cries of distress daily from my grandparents who are so tired of life, my friends who are drowning themselves in selfish highs and lethargic lows and, and, and! It’s okay. My mind constantly races like this, but I have to remind myself that it’s okay to feel this way. One day I won’t. If everything doesn’t work out, it’s okay, because right now I’m alive. Everything in my social life and home life could be falling apart, and my body may say I’m dying, but I’m not. I’m okay. So I guess it comes down to this: am I being true to myself by saying that I’m alright, even if it always feels like my life is falling apart? Because if I’m not, then damn my funeral better be amazing.
Acknowledgement of Your Weaknesses is the First Step.....
Acknowledgement of Your Weaknesses is the First Step…..
Thomas Kempis said “That the acknowledgement of your weakness is the first step in repairing your loss”. What does this mean?
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Red Hibiscus on Skin, transcends Senses' realm. Come Back 2 the Core.