#self-reminder

So I learned about self-comment on Skype and I had to do this and share this on here. Just pretend that they sent me messages when I'm off duty as a Guardian.

jika saat ini bebanmu terasa begitu berat, dan kamu ingin menangis

maka menangislah, tak apa, kamu tidak perlu terlihat kuat setiap waktu

tapi setelah itu, tolong berjanji, kamu tetap bertahan

untuk nasi uduk favoritmu, untuk bubur ayam kesukaanmu yang kerap mangkal di depan SD, untuk series dan drama yang kamu tunggu kelanjutannya, dan semua alasan yang menghadirkan bahagia

mohon tetap bertahan, sesepele apapun alasan itu

kamu harus percaya, bahwa tidak ada manusia yang diciptakan sia-sia, termasuk juga kamu,

For my old followers who followed me for fanfiction, you might have noticed my lack of activity in that department. And while I appreciate the thoughts of readers telling me it’s fine to take a break or write on my own pace, a part of me still feels bad cause writing is part of how I express my emotions. And just not being able to write and continue my WIPs, my plans, and my ongoing projects is really, really difficult.

I was very committed to finish those big projects. I have elaborate and detailed outlines and documents of what to write next. I know what I want to write next but every time I open the document, I just stare at it. At first it was like that, until eventually I didn’t have the courage to open my docs anymore and my AO3 inbox with rotting comments I haven’t replied to until now.

I don’t wanna say that my fics are popular but I have to say that I’ve at least built some engagement with my readers. I get regular comments and even if I haven’t updated anything for months, I still get kudos everyday. And while I agree that engagement and cheers help writers to write more, I still couldn’t return to writing like I did months before. The ideas didn’t die but I just can’t write. Well, for BNHA.

I almost felt like I forgot how to.

But just yesterday, I was able to write 2K words smoothly and continuously and that’s for the light novel series, 86 (Eighty-Six) by Asato Asato. And it’s English-speaking fandom is really small and not even that focused on fan content. When I posted my fic, AO3 only had a total of 3 fics, including mine. This is understandable considering that an anime is still coming. But despite the lack of engagement (It’s been almost a day and until now it only has 4 views) and maybe, that might make me sad, but to be honest, I feel more fulfilled than ever.

I’m not saying that feedback is not important because I’ve been hyped by many kinds of cheer and just the fact that people read my work really, really makes me happy. But feedback is not the only fuel that one can have when it comes to making content. I just truly miss that feeling when I’m writing my older fics. Cause some of my recent stuff, while I liked it to a certain level, despite the feedback I got, it wasn’t as fulfilling as my latest one.

Now, this doesn’t mean that I’m leaving the BNHA fandom. I’m still very much interested in the series and the ships but somehow, the current arc isn’t helping my creativity or mood. I feel like I’m anticipating the developments so much that I can’t think of anything else but what awaits me in canon, in Hori’s story. I wanna see Hori’s story so bad that I got no time and energy to make my own in his universe. I do hope that I get back to BNHA writing soon though. I’ve invested so much energy and time in coming up with plans and ideas that I still wanna see finished some day. But for now, I’m not gonna force myself to write, only to end up being disappointed by the end result regardless of its quality.

I’m writing this to thank the people who still remember my works and continue to support me even if I’m very inactive. But as the title says, it’s also a reminder to myself to stop feeling guilty over the whole thing.

For now, I’ll focus on things that make me feel fulfillment but again I hope to one day be able to post more BNHA content cause even if wrote all these things in this blog post, you have no idea how much I miss writing for this beloved series.