#self-defeating

(by request, my homily from Sunday)

I’d like to talk with you about shame.

What is shame? It’s one of the most destructive feelings we have.

When we were growing up, shame was used to get us to try harder, to do better.

It may be obvious when you think back on it, because the word “shame” was used. You didn’t do something, or you did something wrong. And mom or dad let you know that they were ashamed of you.

For me, it was less obvious. Growing up, the worst thing that could happen to me was if my mom was disappointed in me.

I would rather have had her mad and reaching for a wooden spoon, than to have her disappointed in me.

Even though she didn’t say the word, she didn’t have to. It was the same thing. “Disappointed” is just another way of saying “ashamed.”

No matter how we were exposed to it. No matter where we learned it from. Over the years most of us have done a very effective job of internalizing shame.

You messed something up at work. And even though your boss isn’t telling you that they’re ashamed of you. They are.

At least that’s what you’re telling yourself.

You forgot something important at home. And even though your spouse isn’t telling you that they’re disappointed in you. They are.

At least that how it feels.

And because that’s what you’re telling yourself, because it feels that way, they don’t have to do anything. Because you’re already doing it. To yourself.

It happens for any number of reasons.

You’re ashamed of yourself, because you got fired. You’re disappointed in you, because you slipped back into your addiction. You’re ashamed of yourself, because you got divorced. You’re disappointed in you, because you hurt someone who loves you. Again.

Whether you’re an innocent bystander, the victim of whatever happened. Or the one who caused the whole thing. In one sense, it really doesn’t matter. Because either one of those is enough to set you off, telling yourself how ashamed you are.

Here’s the thing about shame. Even though the point of shame was to get you and me to try harder, to do better. To get us to step up. That’s not the effect that shame has on us.

The effect that shame has on us? It’s a self-inflicted beat-down.

No one else has to do it to us. We’ve got it covered, thanks. We’ll beat ourselves up.

You need to know that when you’re beating yourself up, you won’t be the only one doing it.  

The enemy will be happy to help you do it. Here’s what he’ll be telling you.

“That thing you’re beating yourself up over? That’s who you are.

You might as well just keep doing it. Because that’s all you’ll ever be. And everybody knows it.”

Remember in grade school and high school, when we used to give each other nick names?

I don’t mean “her name is Jennifer, but everybody calls her Jen”-type nicknames.

I mean stuff like “call him Whiff, because he can’t hit the ball.” Or “call her Spud, because she looks like a sack of potatoes.”

The enemy loves that stuff. When we’re older, he tries to give us nicknames. Pulled from the worst moments of our lives. Stuff like “Failure” and “Divorced,” things like “Addicted” and “Unwanted,” garbage like “Worthless” and “Loser.”

He may call you that. But don’t you do it.

Why? As Jesus reminds us time and again, the enemy is a liar and a murder. And has been from the beginning. Why would he suddenly be telling you the truth, for the first time in the history of ever?

Seriously, why should a negative event be your identity?

What does it reveal about you? Not much.

Making it your identity? That makes as much sense as making that time you got something out a gumball machine your identity.

Right. That makes no sense. And neither do any of the enemy’s nicknames for you.

Okay, well if that doesn’t work, what do we do with our negative moments?

Quit beating yourself up about it. Quit even talking to yourself about it.

If someone wronged you, forgive them already. And talk with Jesus about it.

You know what Jesus loves to hear, even more than our praise? Even more than our gratitude?

Our worst, most sinful, most shameful moments.

That was the whole point of Good Friday.

Here’s what you need to know. When you say your shame out loud to Him, you let go of it.

And it loses its power over you.

So go tell Him. Go. Tell Him everything.

But what’s He going to think? What’s He going to say?

You already know.

“I absolve you from your sins, in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.”

That’s what He’s going to say.

But what’s He going to think?

I can tell you that one. I know what God thinks about you. Because I’ve heard it.

On Saturday afternoon, when Father’s hearing confessions. I’ll be setting up the altar, doing something in the sanctuary, getting things ready for Mass.

And out of the corner of my eye, I’ll see it at the other end of the church. Not the door opening from the confessional. But the light. The light – from the one coming out of it.

And I’ll hear, in my heart, what God thinks about you. “This is my beloved son, this is my beloved daughter, with whom I am well pleased.”

Republican Voters!