#self-sabotage

I struggled with math in high school.

Before then, I’d done alright in math. I wasn’t the best, but I could keep up.

That changed freshman year. With a teacher who explained things. Once.

If you didn’t get it the first time, he would (grudgingly) repeat the same explanation. But that was it.

If you needed him to break it down for you. Or to explain it a different way, you were out of luck.

The school found out about it. And sacked him at the end of the year.

But for me, the damage was done. I had convinced myself that I was bad at math. And that math sucked.

With that idea stuck in my head? The rest of my formal education gave me the grades to prove it.

It wasn’t until years later, when my kids started needing need help with their math homework, that I learned the truth. I wasn’t bad at math.

My “I’m bad at math/math sucks” idea? Had no connection to my actual abilities.

I had internalized my experience with an awful teacher. I had convinced myself that I couldn’t do something.

All because I couldn’t get it perfect on the first try.

When all I actually needed was a better/different explanation to help me get it.

Maybe it wasn’t math for you. But a lot of us can tell a similar story. Whether it happened with a subject in school, or sports, or music, or a job, or a relationship. It’s a trap that is all too easy to fall into.

It’s one of those things that only becomes obvious with the awful clarity of hindsight. And one that can take years to dig out of.

It’s a stark contrast to what we see it in today’s Gospel.

Where Jesus is explaining His love and care for people in an extended metaphor. But the people He’s speaking to just aren’t getting it.

The best part? What happens next.

Unlike my awful math teacher, Jesus doesn’t grudgingly repeat the same explanation. Or belittle them for not getting it perfect on the first try.

Instead (in a move that reveals the heart of God), Jesus gives them a different explanation. More direct, more obvious.

If you read the rest of the chapter, they keep struggling. But Jesus doesn’t give up. Jesus understands where they are struggling. And keeps working with them. Until they get it.

It’s a moment that reveals a lot about God.

That if you and I don’t get it perfect on the first try, that won’t stop God. God will keep working with you. And working with you. Until you get it.

Because God loves you too much to quit.

I plant a garden made of later water it with doubt and jokes then wonder why the roses keep coming up as weeds and smoke

I’m great at exits, bad at staying I flinch before the doors even closed I turn small sparks into alarms and call the chaos being composed

I sharpen worries into tools use then gently on my plans tell myself I’m being careful while I sabotage with steady hands

But somewhere in the wreckage of half tries and almost there there’s proof I wanted better You don’t break when you don’t care

SELF-SABOTAGE // WATERPARKS

Recently was the 20th anniversary of the last time I saw you. I know the place, the time— a Saturday, and I was shaking, hiding and stepping outside so you wouldn't see me. When I was ready, you were gone.

What would I have said? Hello, how are you? I am fine, thank you. Building a wall with words to avoid physical contact? To stop the temptation and not act on instincts.

Maybe I hurt you in ways I will never understand. I am sorry for that. I was attracted to you. I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't be the one.

Last time I looked up your name, it seemed you had found someone who could be the one I wasn't.

Deep in my heart I wish you are happy. You didn't see me that day, I know. All possibilities left for other people.

Have a good love, Yours