#self-actualisation

At first, I just wished I could trade my Sun sign for another one. When I found out about my other placements, I started bemoaning them, too. I wished I were a fun-loving Sagittarius, an ethereal Pisces, or a charming Libra with no oppositions or hard aspects. Instead, I was stuck with a natal chart, full of inopportune placements and got the most boring forecast on any given day.

“What do you mean, you were stuck with your chart? Don’t you know a chart’s forever??” Yeah, I know. But I recently diagnosed myself with clinging to my chart as a means to define who I am and decided to cure myself of that.

I define myself by my negative experiences – abuse, trauma, mental health issues; by what I lack rather than what I have. So it makes sense for such a person to pad their Definition of Self with more inadequacies for a lack of healthy one…

I’m finally starting to develop a sense of self that extends beyond this but up until yesterday I felt like there was a limit to how clearly I can define who I am, let alone accept it. I took a closer look at my self-definitions and -beliefs: I’m depressive; overly practical; lack aspirations… I’m clumsy uncoordinated; can’t get over my negative experiences; bring nothing to the table – a fair amount of which beliefs and definition were put into my head by other people or appeared there as a result of me “losing” some comparison to another girl or woman.

Then there were the “shoulds”: “I should fit a mould”; “I should achieve certain things to be valuable”.

Then there was, “I can’t be self-confident”; “I can’t be fun to be around”; “I can’t be emotionally stable”; “I can’t take risks” etc.

A lot of these limiting beliefs come from what I’ve read in my chart, as well as my own fear of certain things. Too afraid of losing my financial stability to apply for a new job, too scared of failure to take up painting again, too invested in what people think of me to be who I want to be.

Then there’s me overestimating the power of the past over my present and future: “I can’t paint since X thing happened 7 years ago” (not kidding), “I’d make a terrible mother because of my own upbringing”; “I can’t ever be fully recovered from my past eating disorder”…

Yesterday, I mustered up the ballzzz to question why and whether that even matters, especially the astrology thing – but the trauma and sense of inadequacy other people had imposed onto me, too.

I clung to astrology, so I could compartmentalize my messy life into neat little boxes. Turns out, the boxes were the wrong boxes and it made everything even more of a mess! I was searching for answers that would empower me on my journey towards self-actualization or, you know, just make my life easier. Instead, I found a bunch of excuses for things I need to work on, as well as for other people’s baggage they’d end up unloading on me.

I used to put myself down because I didn’t have Venus in 5th, so being exceptionally attractive or remarkable just wasn’t in the cards for me. I have no Signs/planets in the 1st house, which I thought is very fitting for someone with literally n o sense of Self. I also took it as a sign that I’ll n e v e r have one. I wished to have a Leo Sun or whatever a favorable position for a sign would be in my chart, thinking I’d be less of a screw-up if that were the case. I tried to translate placements I have into real-life good qualities to boost my confidence… and it changed nothing. Other people’s charts always seemed “better” than my own.

I couldn’t effectively think about people’s behaviors and intentions because a lot of the time because that requires me to see the bigger picture. And I just didn’t.

I used astrological analyses and predictions to self-medicate my anxiety in a way. An ineffective way, I may add. The more I sought insight, the more anxious I became. As a pessimist, I tried to predict when the other shoe would drop using astrology. Tried to eradicate uncertainty from my life.

I made peace with uncertainty some time ago. My anxiety about the future is a manifestation of my fear of the unknown. Guess what. No one knows anything for certain but they don’t have to live with crippling anxiety about it – and neither do i.

Something clicked yesterday and I just don’t… think the answer in the stars anymore, you get what I mean? Everybody’s natal chart I’ve read so far has been hyper-accurate. My own chart has given me some valuable pointers about which path to take. I’ve outgrown my need for it at this point, I’m ready to open my mind or whatever.

And I refuse to be defined as a Capricorn with a Moon in Cancer and a Leo Rising… with a Libra Mars etc anymore.

I’m me.

Hello, my dearling!

I have talked about Cas’ relationship with Chuck, but I do believe it was ages ago, and well before we got Chuck as the Big Bad, so let’s revisit! *fun!!*

The thing about this is that I feel there’s a pattern with them that has everything to do with the “disposable” line fed to Cas in S11. For Cas to believe himself disposable, he can’t have his father figure acknowledge him, which is why they didn’t exchange a word (and barely a glance) once the end of S11 rolled around. 

Add to that the fact that Cas, by S11, had already been so far removed from Heaven and had gotten so much closer to his own humanity and we see how there’s even more reason for why there wouldn’t be a scene between them. We got Lucifer confronting Chuck instead, and I would say there were a lot of Cas’ frustrations with his father baked into Lucifer’s.

Headcanon would be that Cas also had his eyes fully opened to the darker sides of his father’s nature via Luci’s knowledge of Chuck’s motivations: to be worshipped. 

Cas didn’t entirely embrace this knowledge, didn’t entirely believe it, not even when AU!Michael brought the darker sides into the light, underlining their creator’s nonchalance and casual cruelty. It wasn’t until Chuck’s sadistic side finally and truly revealed itself that Cas saw God for what he truly is, and by then Cas had already confronted and beaten back his own Shadow figure enough for him to have no need to personally confront this one.

Chuck killed Jack, but Cas has no drive - not like Dean does - to see Chuck dead over it. Cas holds no vendetta, and he’s clear-eyed enough to see the journey he’s undertaken as the root of his personal growth, not merely an expression of Chuck’s manipulations, providing a beautiful and necessary contrast to how Dean is entertaining an opposite view in that he feels as though all his choices have been pointless and all the pain and suffering has been pushed on him for nothing, and he can’t reconcile himself with the idea that this is only a half-truth, and one that he’s actively choosing to believe in. *gah dean gah!* *because the POV you need to reach through your inner work is the POV that Cas has held ever since Chuck’s true nature was revealed!!* *gah!!*

Now, the transition of Dean as Cas’ marker for humanity, to Cas becoming the marker for humanity for Jack has happened gradually, ever since the beginning of S13, but I do believe the transition is complete. After Cas’ speech in 15x15 it’s hard to think otherwise.

Cas knows who he is, where he belongs, and what he must do: find another way. So that he can save Jack. 

Cas is stepping into his core trait of acting the shield, rather than playing the role of weapon, showing internal balance and a connection to his own priorities that is utterly thrilling! 

Sure, it more or less tells us that there’s no narrative need for human!Cas and, hey, as much as I’ve always wished for that to be what the narrative has been driving him towards, he’s still more human now than he ever was. So he’ll live forever and watch Dean and Sam die and have to go chill with them in their Heavens, so what? That’s fiiiiiiine. 

No, really, as long as they end up not dead, it’s fine.

And I get the strong sense they might not. End up dead. *yay!* I mean, it’s perfectly clear that Dean and Sam will live to fight another day, what with Jensen mentioning the possible probability of bringing the boys back for a six episode smashravaganza in five years or so. But what I mean is: they may not all of them end up dead. Even Jack might live! *happy days!* They might also not all end up together but that’s for other meta to speculate on! I’m more hopeful than ever that we’ll get a balanced ending, though. *g a h*

Anyway: Chuck.

I understand where you’re coming from 100%, but personally I don’t feel the need for there to be an exchange to cap off Cas’ relationship with Chuck, because of all the above mentioned reasons. Make sense? 

Chuck isn’t really figuring that hard in Cas’ progression right now, apart from how he’s affecting Jack. 

Cas has already let go of his earlier need for his father figure to act as a role model. “Because God commanded it” is a long, long time ago. “Give me a sign” is as well. Cas is well beyond these stages of internal confusion. And Chuck the Big Bad, as said, holds no real sway over Cas’ choices anymore. Chuck’s words and deeds no longer serve to inform anything that Cas does, apart from acting as a spur for action, for thinking outside of the box, for tapping into his protectiveness and healthy father figure traits in order to act as a guide to his own son.

In Dean’s progression, however, Chuck is now the ultimate Shadow figure, embodying the final last push for Dean to truly confront himself, look himself in the eye, and let go of the self-hatred, fear and faithlessness. Let go of his need for control and start trusting. Trusting that, in spite of everything, good things do happen and good things can last. If you let yourself feel how much you want them. If you go for it without holding yourself back.

Come on, Dean!!

And this is my reading of this narrative so pinches of salt, but with Jack as representative of Dean’s inner child, it feels pretty bleak if he were to die. And though I can take the Shadow (Chuck) needing to be symbolically eradicated, I remain skeptical, because destruction is not integration... Anyway, more on this in upcoming metas!

I’ll leave you with this: I’m intrigued by how the narrative - which technically means Chuck - has always treated Cas as a secondary character, even though it’s perfectly clear that he’s integral to the growth of Dean, and by proximity Sam as well. Cas now stepping in to find this other way makes sense to me, because I do believe if an unforeseen blow is to be dealt to Chuck, it should come from Cas, whom he’s always sort of overlooked. Even when sitting down to write his ending at Becky’s desk, there’s the Sam and Dean Poppies, yeah? As are two feathers. Sam and Dean presides, as ever, at the forefront, but those feathers, for those of us who love them, are hard to miss.

I hope that answers your question! Bit of spec in there too, but I’m in a speculative mood as I finally watched 15x15 and 15x16 back-to-back last night and oh boy the old cogs are a-turning. :)

Hope you’re well, lovely!

And Dean just stares after him like wtf just happened exactly? Yeah.

And the first time Cas wears something other than trench and suit, and kinda not as haphazardly casual as the human!Cas’ T and hoodie. More like something actually bought, like chosen, or even… something of Dean’s. Like Cas doesn’t really have time or the inclination to go shopping so he lounges around in Dean and Sam’s clothes for a good few months (and Cas wearing Sam’s clothes is just too weird for Dean so he gripes about it a little until Sam catches on and starts directing Cas only to Dean’s wardrobe). 

Yeah, so I see this happening if/when Cas has chosen to shed his wings. I mean, I believe he will. I think S13 has told us that he needs to, because his grace - whenever his eyes have glowed blue and he’s used his powers to do harm - has been depicted as toxic. (and has been a visual tie in with that final shot of Michael, which I believe and hope is so fucking significant for what Michael might mean for Cas’ self-reflection and progression) So, yeah, I think he’s bound to sever his ties to Heaven in order to reach self-actualisation. 

And I believe he needs to learn lessons as a human, lessons he simply can’t learn while still an angel, to finally be able to truthfully answer the questions of who he is and who he wants to be.

So that first time when he’s wearing something other than what visually ties him to this in between Heaven and Earth state he’s always been in… I mean, you know how it’d play out –>

Cas walks into the kitchen wearing Dean’s t-shirt and jeans, hair ruffled and eyes still sleepy, grabbing a piece of bacon and chewing it absentmindedly while Dean’s eyes follow his every movement. Cas not noticing on this early occasion, of course, not until the morning he starts to and that’s when he begins experimenting with what reactions he might get, and that’s when he decides to grab that last cup of Joe and dare touch Dean’s hand and the experiment leaves Dean so flustered he forgets to drink his morning coffee.

And it doesn’t even affect his mood, because Dean is too preoccupied trying to suss out exactly wtf Cas thinks he’s doing. Or what he is doing. Because Cas isn’t flirting, clearly, so what the fuck?! Aw, Dean.