“I love you Dean...more than you can know...it’s the only way I know how to exist…” Cas said
as he approached Dean’s personal space, reaching for his hand and tentatively caressing his
freckled fingers. Then making his way up to gently holding the side of his face and gazing
intently into widened green irises.
“I want to have you, every morning, every night of every day for the remainder of your
existence...and mine...But, I need you to want me too,” he said with a weak, self-deprecating
chuckle. “Or at least be able to look at me...that’s all I would need Dean. I’ve taken and craved
every ounce of affection you’ve thrown my way...however small. It was enough.” Dropping his
hand he backed slightly out of Dean’s personal space, dropping his hand.
Dean immediately felt colder, and lost in his own his own emotion and stubbornness. The lack
of practice of working through his feelings catching up with him in a big way - and possibly
costing him the biggest loss of his life. He knew what he needed and longed for was just at the
edges of his mind and heart, cloaked in a curtain he didn’t know how, didn’t want to, was afraid
to and needed desperately to open. The slow process of working through the loss of his mother
again, a child for the first time, and the possibility that one of the most important relationships in
his life may have been fabricated taking its sweet, agonizing time.
Cas was usually able to wait for Dean to process. He knows he’s a good man. The best human
he’s known. He still believes that. Would give anything to hold the Righteous Man in his arms.
He’s just coming to terms with the very real possibility that whatever love he might have
previously seen in Dean for him...may have finally died. But looking at him now, well, anytime he
looks at him...good God above if he isn’t the most divine, beautiful creature Cas has seen.
Maybe the most right thing Chuck has managed to do.
Even now if Dean calls...he will come. He has come. He supposes that may make him
“whipped” as humans say, but, well...I guess that’s just another thing he can’t seem to do right.
He can’t stop loving Dean Winchester.
But to look at him...and see nothing but anger, resentment, disappointment and disgust...when
he used to see fondness, affection, relief and trust...that’s hard to look at...it’s hard to be around.
Now his heart breaks a little every time he meets green eyes when at times they have been the
only source of joy...
“But the light, the affection...the love I used to see when I looked back at you...has grown so
dim...And you feel worlds apart from me, despite you standing right here in front of me. Despite
us sharing the same space almost daily...Wherever this leads...apart or together...some part of
me will long for the day I see that light in your eyes again. Alight with trust...affection...love.
Chuck may not have known it at the time...that’s one part he didn’t write - Dean. I believe I was
made for you Dean Winchester.”
