Secure attachment = Positive internal working model of attachment of others as an adult, characterized by the view that others are generally accepting and responsive (APA definition)

Insecure attachment - two types:

Anxious-avoidant – as an adult it is characterized by discomfort in being with others and a tendency to avoid intimate relationships with them (APA definition)

Anxious-resistant – easily frustrated or angered when their attachment needs go unmet as a child, wanting closeness but resisting it.

I’m not going to present arguments for why the boys don’t have certain attachment styles, but rather present which attachment style I think they do have and then expand on that. You can read more on attachment styles here and the definition here, but I’ll explain a little. From birth, the type of attachment we have with our primary caregiver is essential for how we interact with the world. We often talk about “safe bases”, and how feeling safe with your primary caregiver is the foundation from which you then explore the world. In an experiment by Mary Ainsworth (Strange Situation), the children did not want to play or explore in the room when the mother left the room. It’s knowing that there is a safe base to come back to, that helps with the exploration. How does this further affect us in life? Well, the attachment style we internalize is the one that becomes part of our internal working model of attachment – which is a theoretical model in us that shows up in our relationships throughout life. You’ve probably heard about people who have a tough childhood, and then they later end up in abusive relationships as well. So, back to Sam and Dean. What is interesting with these boys is that for most of their childhood, they only have a single parent. But despite John being the adult and the parent, I argue that Sam and Dean develop different attachment styles. Let’s start with Dean. Let’s assume that before Mary’s death, four-year-old Dean had a safe attachment to both of his parents. He was safe and knew he could explore the world. After Mary’s death, John becomes a strict authoritarian parent who’s low in warmth and high in control. There’s also now the new threat of monsters that young Dean must wrap his head around as well as losing his mother, while John is retreating into this angry revenge-driven person. Dean’s attachment to John, as shown from season 1, looks very much like an anxious-avoidant attachment style. Typical for this attachment style is the fact that the child does not show distress when the primary caregiver leaves, avoids them, and learns to take care of their needs on their own. This is typical of children who have unavailable and neglecting parents. Such children are found to be low in confidence and less likely to express emotions. They also struggle to seek help. Sound familiar? I do believe Dean later develops a secure attachment with Bobby, although it took him time. He avoided any kinds of attachments outside of family in the start, being wary of everyone around him (like Ellen and Jo), because experience taught him that people can’t be relied upon. Dean always tries to meet his own needs and not rely on anyone else. It’s remarkable and sweet that he slowly lets himself rely on Bobby. Let’s turn to Sam. I believe that from birth Sam would have a secure attachment style with Mary, which is brutally ripped away from him as well. As a baby, it would be even harder to not have the secure person. It could be that Sam, like Dean, also has an anxious-avoidant attachment to John as a toddler, but it makes more sense that he has an anxious-resistant attachment. Such children are upset when the caregiver is not there, but when the caregiver comes back, they reject comfort as the child finds the caregiver’s leaving unpredictable. I believe maybe Sam was like this towards John, because even in Season 1 it is clear Sam doesn’t want to get attached too much, he’s keeping a distance between himself and his family, expecting things to go sideways. He wants his father’s love, but butts heads with him and resists him. Although I do think he had this kind of attachment to John, I don’t believe it became internalized as much. Because he also had Dean. We see Sam being taken care of Dean since he was a toddler, being left alone with his older brother. Unconsciously, he leans on Dean for his needs to be met. As he grows older, we see that he gives his present to John (the amulet) to Dean, another show of regarding Dean highly and closely as a caregiver. Sam seems to have a secure attachment to Dean; he can rely on Dean, his “safe base”, and because of that he is confident in exploring the world. Although Dean can’t obviously meet all of Sam’s needs as a child himself, I do think he met enough that created a secure attachment in Sam. For example, Sam can talk to Dean about how he’s feeling (more so as Dean grows up too), he knows Dean will protect him no matter what. Dean held space for Sam to explore different things - play soccer, be a theatre kid etc. The difference in their primary caregiver and attachment style is so interesting. It’s even more clear when we see how the boys are after John and Bobby’s death. They’re both utterly devastated, but Sam is able to slowly move on after a while. He wants to call Bobby’s phonebook and inform people, but Dean does not want to do anything. This isn’t to say the deaths weren’t hard on Sam – he’s just coping a bit better. I find this interesting because it shows that as long as Dean is there, Sam feels safe. Everything could be burning, but having his older brother, that’s a kind of security that Dean does not have. Dean has his brother, of course, but he is used to not leaning on anyone, especially not his younger brother (because it is ‘his responsibility to take care of Sam’, and not vice versa). Dean doesn’t have a caregiver he can lean on. Another interesting scene is in the hospital in 2x01, when Dean is in a coma (and is wandering as a ghost). The doctor comes in and says that John will be fine – Dean immediately says, “thank god”, while Sam says, “Doc, what about my brother?”

When Azazel possesses John and tells Sam in 2x21 that Dean is wrong to think he is possessed, Sam goes and stands by Dean instead of John. There are probably hundreds of moments that showcase how Dean is Sam’s primary caregiver and John is Dean’s, and how that reflects their attachment styles.

I also find it interesting when it comes to Bobby that for Sam, there is no intense need to replace his primary caregiver (Dean), he already has a secure attachment. But Dean doesn’t have that, and so when he finds that with Bobby, he holds onto that. Just this scene from 6x02 when they are asked about the shifter baby’s name, Dean says “Bobby” and Sam says “John”. Just found that particularly interesting, how Dean’s attachment with Bobby is safer than his attachment with John. 

Dean and Gadreel:

I’ve also been laughing since Lawboy Sam that “we keep each other human” doesn’t even have to be literal, it’s just like, without hunting with Dean, Sam is the Worst™

I definitely don’t think it’s casting shade on Sam because there’s obviously a LOT of trauma behind Lawboy, who was an extrapolation of Sam’s career path rejecting everything he’d grown up with. Including that he has a notorious serial killer brother. I think in the first draft of the pilot Sam literally did think Dean was a serial killer, or suspected it, and he’d never been in on the secret, so though that’s canon implausible I feel like that sort of emotional background was implied by where they ended up, that perhaps at least Lawboy was rejecting the violence he was raised in but in a really extreme way. And not even in a cool fighting for world peace lawyer friends with Tahani Al-Jamil thing, but just writing off family entirely. Which is a commentary on the absolute extremes of repression Sam can and will inflict on himself, since in 1x01 he was a fair bit of the way there, complaining about his family and throwing himself into his future career full denial ahead. 

I do think though that as much as Sam is superficially the worst, most of Dean’s worst traits especially in season 1 were smoothed out by their story pretty quickly and obviously all the good development Dean’s made out of his own repression and trauma never would have happened in that world so miserable solitary hunter Dean would have been the absolute worst. Especially if he is careless enough to stay on the most wanted list and honestly he’s probably been running around with Gordon for 13 years still trying to impress him and make him think he’s cool without ever realising he is into dudes or that Gordon is the worst :P But that’s all left to speculation, as this season has had a greater focus on exploring Sam so he is actually getting the kind of attention to single him out to play multiple character variants in a short space of time so we even have data to compare, which feels like a total novelty.

(I’m in no way a bitter Sam girl or anything but Carver era just naturally leaned into Dean over Sam and Dabb era has corrected that lean and it sort of feels like suddenly we have tons of Sam exploration and Dabb era Sam is rapidly turning into one of my favourite characters ever based on a whole bunch of stuff that was completely absent since like season 7… Just don’t use this comment to validate bitter Sam stanning of the carver era even as I admit they had something of a point :P)

Anyways. Justin Smith was brilliant because he’s not technically a Sam variant because he was a conjured personality but at the same time it put Sam in that position and made it clear that Sam crumpled into it because it was easy and Cas could totally see how he ended up there, like, almost to the point of forgetting that Sam had succumbed because he was human and Cas hadn’t not done so because he was more emotionally aware after treading this storyline years earlier but rather the more obvious that Chip’s powers didn’t work on him because he’s an angel. It’s a complete have cake and eat it moment about saying this isn’t who Sam is but wow does it say something about Sam anyway. 

I think the context that Lawboy lurks under Sam’s skin helps there because that version of Sam clearly still lost Jess one way or another, and we know that Sam can do stuff like run off with Amelia, which I think seems to be the more immediate emotional parallel - maybe making a point about the sort of denial of self that Sam put himself through by cutting off hunting and looking for Kevin… Whatever motives he had for it, and however justified his emotional breakdown at that point, they kept on bugging Sam for doing it by reminding him of the “hit a dog” comment for years until Robbie sat Dean down and made him apologise in 11x11. At which point Sam was moments from morphing into Dabb era Sam, who first appeared in 11x14 by my reckoning of “who is this guy because I love him!?!” I felt there.

Exploring that territory through the brainwashing and also showing us a Sam who was from the pilot but grown up and awful, and coupled with where Dean’s been at for a while but helpfully confirmed in 14x13 to John’s face, is that Sam needs to be hunting, and definitely seems to need a romantic endgame in a way that Dean ~weirdly~ does not (*cough because he already has it cough*) despite how season 13 for him had been 100% giving him Jack as a son in a main character arc way that neither Dean or Cas got as much focus on - like, even Cas. I’m bitter about Eileen forever, moved my hopes to Rowena, but Sam has still yet to have a girlfriend who is a hunter, and something about Justin Smith really firmly tells us that Sam can’t go back to wanting the white picket fence and ever accomplish it with any authenticity to himself. But also perhaps that he still struggles, even with finally calling the Bunker home, and having a family there of all the other parts except a wife, that either this is still his perception of what marriage and endgame should/has to be or that he can’t conceptualise marriage existing in his life in the Bunker, despite the example Dean n Cas are setting in front of his nose.

He also got to see Mary briefly have John around for that family dinner but then have to let him go, for perfectly valid other reasons, but comparing it to his dream in 13x21 of the family dinner, which included all 3 generations of their family, in their non traditional set up that Dean claimed to John was what he had instead of the white picket fence, we got a weird glimpse of the nuclear family unit that SPN spends the rest of its time rejecting in favour of family not ending in blood. That wasn’t particularly framed as for Sam’s eyes but it’s definitely another example of endgames and marriage in the hunting world that he got to glimpse and the surrealty of setting the library table for a fancy sit down meal for a nuclear family instead of them stuffing their faces with pizza at the war table, which had been Sam’s dream birthday party, definitely shows there’s still conflict going on there in how family is being presented. With Dean apparently fully chill and at peace with his family life, and these examples for Sam, it’s definitely all focused on him what he ends up wanting and what he can be happy with, and what ideas he has to let go. 

Me too, Anon! If you want to read a ton of really great analysis on this very topic, check out our Young Sam tag. That one is undoubtedly the most likely to yield results specifically about the concerns you have, but these may also have some relevant analysis: sam and family, sam and abuse, sam and formative experiences.

Too many people assume that because Sam’s experience was not equivalent to Dean’s, it was not challenging or damaging. Additionally, too many fans unquestioningly swallow the image of flawless-parent-Dean and take any assertions that Sam had a tough childhood as accusations against Dean, which they most certainly are not. There are also way too many ridiculous headcanons bouncing around in the fandom that a bunch of people accept as canon, like this one which queen-of-carven-stone so effectively refuted.

Dean certainly had many rough and harmful experiences that Sam can’t understand. Sam had many equally harmful experiences that Dean can’t possibly understand, too, and I think too many people forget that.

A short and incomplete highlight reel of Sam’s childhood experiences:

Sam has never known home or a mother’s love. The only life he remembers is the itinerant lifestyle of a hunter.

It’s the only life he’s ever known, and it is also a life he has never really felt a part of. He spent his childhood feeling unworthy and impure. His attempt to leave and seek a place he might belong ended up with his father disowning him.

Dean knew about hunting from a young age, but Sam was lied to for most of his young life and left alone in motel rooms as young as 9 years old and (and quite possibly as young as 5). Sam was dragged all over the U.S., dropped in motel rooms alone, and no one would tell him why they were doing that.

His English teacher when he was fourteen was the first person who asked what Sam wanted out of life rather than assuming that he’d go into the family business.

He had lost his mother and desperately wanted to know about her, but was yelled at when he asked. He didn’t know any/many of the details of her death until he was 22. He never knew Dean carried him out of the fire until then, either. He spent his whole freaking childhood seeking revenge for a loss he was never allowed to be a part of. Is it any wonder he thought to look elsewhere for a place to belong?

So many people in fanon assume that Dean always (or even often) supported Sam when he stood up against John. However… canon has scant evidence of this. In fact, most of the evidence points to Dean taking John’s side. 

After my spn rewatch, I just want to point out that one of the most rewarding things to watch was how Sam and Dean started to see each other’s perspectives on their childhood. From feeling betrayed by Sam leaving for Stanford, feeling disappointed by Sam’s heaven -  of the ways Sam viewed their childhood negatively - Dean ends up understanding that Sam didn’t have the best childhood. He did his best for him, but Sam’s childhood was still not the best. And Dean finally acknowledges and accepts this. Dean understanding that Sam was a lonely child (so much so that he needed an imaginary friend). Understanding why Sam was reluctant to call the bunker home, that his little brother never had a proper, stable home before. Dean apologizing in 14.12 for not always being able to be there because John used to send him away.

Sam starting to see already in S1 that Dean isn’t just John’s perfect child who listens to orders without a thought, that Dean isn’t the perfect older brother who’s super tough and macho, that Dean had a lot of responsibilities on him from a young age. Sam seeing Dean’s heaven (with Mary), something Sam’s never had, something unfamiliar, but he starts to understand Dean’s insistent pursuit of “home” and “family”. Sam realising that one of Dean’s best memories is staying at the boys’ home. Sam understanding that Dean has always protected him, since he was a child, despite having been a child himself. 

I love that concept, and they DID say they were re-homed in the town as much as they seem to be free to come and go from the Bunker. So I think it’s not completely invasive and they have their own lives outside of living underground in a weird bunker, but they are also Sam’s squad maybe? I love the idea of him building his leadership that he kind of was flexing earlier and growing into a more comfortable figure in this community where he’s the smart badass Men of Letters legacy coordinating the hunters from there… 

There’s… 27 refugees? I assume AU Charlie and Bobby are included, but that’s still 25 randos where Maggie is the only one who was named so 24 people who they can introduce and kill off as they please, and even halving that number of red shirts is still a lot of people for Sam to manage… I think it’s awesome for his potential growth and an avenue to take his character which isn’t so tightly wound up in either horrible things happening to him, or his family… He’s needed an outlet, because Dean getting Cas was amazing, and until Ruby turned out to be “horrible things happening to him” she was amazing for him. He’s been understandably wary but it’s always a better balance when new people come along and tease out an aspect of their character we never got to see before because it’s only revealed in their light. This is obviously perfect for him because he gets both individual relationships with them, and a chance to pose as their leader, and start to understand himself there.

Because it’s finally a role which is not defined by Dean in any way, and no matter how much they’re casually equal partners in the hunting business, and there’s almost NEVER any argument about that - 1x10 where Sam was feeling upset that Dean was being a bossy leader is about the only time and they worked that one out fast - when it comes to emotional stuff Sam always falls into little brother role, right up to the end of this season where Dean was doing stuff to protect Sam like going into the AU with Ketch instead of him. So this role being a leadership one also puts Sam in a position of authority which he has never really had before when it comes down to it. 

Yes he’s equal to Dean day to day and has even swapped out that role when Dean is hurt or compromised, but this is different where he is neither equal partner nor little brother, but both more experienced and learned than these people and a de facto leader as a result because he has this different level of experience after 13 years of this nonsense, which even these people who’ve been dealing with angels and michael for years have not been allowed to develop, compared to Sam who has single-handedly killed TWO Hellhounds and all the other nonsense he’s done :D Never mind his experience with the lore and all his stuff like scanning in the MoL resources or whatever. Sam has a LOT of qualities that would make him an amazing leader, but with Dean as the emotional hub of TFW he’s never really NEEDED to shine.

Anyways, last season Jack got super upset about losing one of his guys but now I feel like they’re Sam’s guys too and in a weird way he might even have similar experiences losing them because I agree Michael has to pick off a few of these red shirts, and I wonder if it will hit him harder because he really is in a strange leadership role he’s never had before, and Dean’s not there to split the responsibility, and even with others he trusts like Mary and Cas who he’d consider have an equal share, it comes across in the PR that he’s going to be the leader which means he’s the one making this bond and taking on the sense of responsibility and that’s weird for him… 

.. You’re not thinking of 9x22 are you?? I saw the gifs of that on my dash a bunch recently and was busy having flashbacks to my early fandom days when I watched Dean throw them at Sam and say “put on your dancing shoes and let’s boogie” one MILLION times so I could see Dean then say “he’s a weird, dorky little guy” a million times. 

13x05 was very much written about Sam to Dean in the sense that Sam necessarily would have to sleep at some point, but all the characterising angle in that scene was about his reaction to Dean’s behaviour, and we didn’t learn a great deal about him except that he insists on wearing pyjamas instead of sleeping on top of the covers in his clothes, which is usually a good sign, though he seems a bit more friendly towards pyjamas vs despairing flopping than Dean in general through the show.

But YES the 13x21 example is SO IMPORTANT, THANK YOU. Arrrrrgh. I’d say “how could I forget” but I think I have literally internalised Sam’s dream as just… what the family is doing all hiatus… hahaha angst what angst… to the point that it’s just, like, what they’re up to 100% of the time as the backdrop to how I think about the characters and I forget it was a dream.