#romo repulsion

I want to preface this by saying I am ~in general~ not a fan of positivity. Trying to “force positivity” is quickly a slippery slope to toxic positivity and superficially. Nonetheless, I feel like I could have realized some lithromantic positivity, and thought it was necessary to share rather than keep it to myself.

It is ok that there’s nothing good about being lithro. It is ok if there are no benefits that we can exploit from ourselves and take advantage of ourselves (or our relationships) with. Lithromantics not necessarily having *any* positives to being lithro (besides our dope flag) means that those of us that have accepted ourselves, are some of the most compassionate, kind, strong, and resilient souls. The amount of self-compassion one has to develop before they can radically accept themselves as lithromantic, is so much higher than essentially any other queer identity.

In a world that has yet to be educated on aromanticsm, aromantics and cupioromantics are scared to date alloromantics, due to alloromantics behaving like it is a “dealbreaker” or “end of the world” if their [romantic] partner is not “in love” [essentially experiencing romo attrac] towards them. It’s valid for both aros and cupioros to be scared to date alloros because of this arophobic mindset they have, tho.

Anyways, a lithromantic might “seem” more appealing to an uneducated alloromantic, since we do experience the romo attrac, or what alloros mistake for “love”. At the same time, once an alloro experiences and returns that romo attrac towards the lithro, the lithro’s romo attrac fades. Not necessarily fades, but flees and turns into romance repulsion (for most lithros). Uneducated, insecure, and/or unaccepting alloros might feel very hurt for the lithros sudden change. Simultaneously, the lithro may also be hurting for not being able to “keep” or “hold on” to the romo attrac. It feels like, being lithro leaves everyone worse off (and is potentially traumatizing for the lithro). This is why lithros who have accepted themselves have learned how to be compassionate and kind to themselves to an extent that most other queer identities never have to go to before they can accept their queer identity, due to there being more external support, education, and acceptance for their queer identities (including for aros).

It is so easy for lithromantics, especially lithros that have chosen to remain closeted, to drown in a sea of their own self-hatred and shame of being an arospec identity that leaves the alloromantics that reciprocated the romo attrac angry and confused. In a world where alloromantics have all the privilege and amatonormativity is everywhere, lithros are so strong, brave, and resilient for existing as our lithromantic identity in a world that refuses to see us, acknowledge us, validate us, support us, accept us, or understand us.

This is where the lithromantic positivity comes in: lithromantics can relate to everyone. Lithromantics know what it feels like to experience romantic attraction; and we know what it feels like to have a romantic relationship look you dead in the face and not want it. We are also romance ambivalent! We understand what it means to have more than one attitude towards romance. We can understand both apothiros and cupioros. We can relate to another largely unknown arospec identity—frayromantism, since frayros also experience involuntary, primary romantic attraction, just like lithros do. We can even relate to alloros in terms of experiencing romantic attraction involuntarily and getting crushes. And finally, we can relate to aros with struggling to desire romantic relationships in the same way an alloromantic does.

There are so many other identities lithromantic is similar to, like aegoromantic, bellusromantic, and frayromantic. Lithros belong in arospec spaces, and lithros’ voices are so valuable to the arospec community. Lithros are essential in terms of helping to bridge the distance and alienation that is only growing between aromantics and alloromantics.

loveless aros? fuck yea, yall cool

Hi! A quick note, the word for someone who experiences romantic attraction is alloromantic.

I guess the best place to start is that of culture and feelings.

I’m going to liken being aromantic to anosmia, or a lack of a sense of smell. I don’t have it, but an old friend did and I witnessed a pretty good parallel between it all. Not a whole lot of people know that it’s possible to have no sense of smell. It isn’t exactly common, and it’s not exactly something people are likely to consider.

How do you think you would feel, if you had anosmia, that people somewhat regularly and spontaneously talk about scents? “Ugh, that reeks”, “stop and smell the roses”, “what do you mean you don’t know if Axe smells good or bad?”. People expect you enjoy lavender and vanilla scents. People expect you to make sure that you smell good all of the time. But you can’t smell.

And people have such strong opinions about it all! You’re expected to know that sulfur smells gross and mint smells sharp (and what does that even mean).

You can’t smell. But everyone around you is operating with this whole other sense that you have no perspective for. You know it’s apparently pretty correlated with taste, so you try to imagine that, but in your nose. There’s all sorts of sayings about it, and when you ask, no one can really describe it in a way that will ever quite make sense. Also, some people take it as a challenge and spray an entire bottle of Axe body spray on you because there’s no way you can’t smell that, right? The vapors irritate your nose and eyes, and maybe sometimes you wonder if that irritation is “smell”. You’re tired. You don’t make a habit of actively telling people that you have anosmia because someone inevitably says it isn’t real, doesn’t believe that you could have it, and are you sure it isn’t just a sinus problem? There’s doctors for that, you know.

Basically, it’s irritating and upsetting because we often will never experience romantic attraction, but our cultures take for granted that we must, and don’t believe us when we don’t experience it. From the outside, it’s hard to relate at best. When I see people having these huge, passionate, romantic love scenes on TV, it’s like seeing a weird-ass candle scent name that you can’t even begin to imagine. A lot of aromantic people also watch as our friends suddenly leave us behind for something we don’t experience. It’s hard not to be grossed out by something that, again from the outside, looks like a sudden obsession and has strong odds of making someone you’ve been friends with for years completely ghost you. And you’re expected to be happy for them? Plus, I want you to just consider for a moment... can you name a single recent movie that you’ve seen that contained no romance and wasn’t a kids movie?

A final note: do you remember as a kid ever being grossed out by adults kissing? You had no frame of reference for romance at the time. It was just one of those weird adult things. But whoops, now you’re ten and your peers are doing that sort of stuff but you still don’t understand, isn’t that just super gross? Oh, and now you’re 20, and everyone thinks you should have “grown out of it” by now, but now you probably have started to associate romance with loss and harassment and frustration.

tldr; most every culture expects everyone to know of and treasure romance. if you don’t know what that feels like and people are constantly assholes about you “missing out”, you’d probably associate it with some pretty negative feelings too.

like with any other thing that disgusts me irl, I do my best to find ways in which I can limit my exposure to it, and from there, work to determine ways to cope when I am exposed to it.

the what and why:

start by figuring out what specifically repulses you. is it specifically irl romance? fictional romance? certain relationship dynamics, such as the soft uwu couple, the sappy couple, the PDA, etc? can you handle it to a point but then run out of tolerance?

ultimately, try to figure out what contexts bother you and how quickly they do bother you.

additional food for thought: when you are bothered, how much does it bother you?

for the remainder, I’d advise trying to start with the thing that bothers you significantly, quickly, and which you encounter most often. you’ll have to determine your balance of that.

limiting exposure:

consider the social media you consume. how can you avoid specifically what repulses you there?

can you ask for people to tag things on tumblr? for example, kissing is a tag and post content that i have filtered.

can you unfollow blogs that regularly post about things that repulse you?

in terms of other social media, what does that site offer?

consider the other media you consume.

are there certain shows or movies or genres that frequently repulse you? what are ones that don’t? can you choose or request to watch more of the ones that don’t?

consider what you read much in the same fashion.

consider the company you keep.

if someone talks constantly about romance to you and it repulses you, can you talk to them about that? is it possible to say “hey, it feels like all you ever talk to me about lately comes down to romance, and I miss talking about x with you.”

or maybe they do a lot of PDA, “hey, I’m really happy that you and X (and Y etc if polycule) are dating, but I don’t like it when you kiss around me, could you do that in another room or tell me when you’d like to do that stuff so I can go elsewhere?”

if they constantly talk to you about wanting you to date, can you say that they’re making you feel worse in doing so?

if any of these get a negative response or you truly know that they will, do you have the ability to limit your contact with this person / these people?

coping:

okay, you’ve done what you can to limit your exposure to things that you don’t like and hopefully increased time spent with things you do like.

but realistically, you can’t avoid everything

what are the specific feelings you deal with when you are exposed? what do you do about those emotions?

disgust -> can you reframe the situation? are you disgusted by the thought of people doing it to you, and if so, can you say “it’s okay that other people enjoy this, but I know it isn’t for me?” I find that externalizing the problem helps me to feel less repulsed.

angry -> I know that if I’ve had a lot of exposure, I get cranky. I don’t want to see/hear more of this! if that’s you, what do you do? if you’ve got angry energy, is there a non-harmful fidget you can perform? if you’ve got to hold it together, can you sit with that feeling and say “I feel angry right now. When this is done, I will do [a thing that you enjoy] because I don’t enjoy feeling angry.” and focus on the future relief?

other things: reframe, externalize, sit with it, plan how to feel better later, brainstorm about something else that you like, etc.

I hope that at least one part of this can help!