If you’d asked Amanda even two years ago if she ever thought she’d spend New Year’s Eve in a cabin with the Carisi family she would probably have laughed in your face. But with every year she’d known Sonny their relationship had evolved and changed - and now he was sat on her living floor assembling toys for Christmas morning, a screwdriver in one hand as he enthused about how much fun he’d had on these Winter vacations as a kid - and when they were done with this he’d be helping her set up fake snow footprints and getting the girls’ stockings ready for the morning, before he drove out to Staten Island in the small hours of the morning so he could be with his own family for Christmas - and Amanda would be lying if she said there wasn’t a part of her that wanted him here for Christmas morning, wanted to share the girls’ excitement with him. He had - allegedly at his mother’s insistence - given her an invitation for Christmas dinner on Staten Island, but it had felt a bit too much like intruding - and she and the girls would be going over to Liv’s after they’d opened their presents anyway.

Accepting the invitation for New Year seemed like a good compromise - and the girls had never really been on a vacation before, so even if it was just three days it would still be an experience for them, and an opportunity for her to relax, too.

Sonny’s parents and siblings had all driven out at first light on Thursday to avoid holiday traffic, but Sonny had court in the morning, and Liv had only been able to give Amanda a half day - which was fair since she was ducking out of working the rest of the weekend - so it was mid-afternoon before they had the girls bundled up into the back of Sonny’s car; they were both very excited about the prospect of the mini-vacation, and Jesse was overjoyed that they were going in Uncle Sonny’s car - “It’s much shinier than your car, Momma,” she had said; the fact that Sonny didn’t regularly have two small children eating and traipsing muddy shoes in the back of his car didn’t seem to matter much to Jesse.

Amanda finished buckling Billie’s car seat as Sonny put the last of the bags into the trunk and walked around to the driver’s side door. She closed the back door but hesitated before getting in.  “Sonny?”

He walked around the front of the car, concern on his face. “You okay?”

“Yeah, yeah. I’m just- are you sure your family are okay with-” she gestured from herself, to the girls and looked up at him, worrying her bottom lip between her teeth.

“Are you kiddin’ me? They’re so excited to meet you all.”

Amanda nodded. “Okay,” she reached out to open the passenger side door and he placed his hand on her shoulder briefly, reassuringly, before he moved to get in the car.

“We all set?” he asked, turning back to look at the girls; Jesse cheered enthusiastically and Billie copied her. He laughed, looking over at Amanda. “And you, Rollins?”

“Yeah, all good. You know - if you want to split the drive-”

“Nah, it’s only a couple of hours,” he said, as he pulled away from the curb. “An’ the way you drive? Not in my car.”

She rolled her eyes and pulled out her phone, “Any music preference, chauffeur?”

“Whatever the lady wants,” he said. Jesse leaned as far forward as the straps of her car seat would let her, asking if she could choose the music. “Or you can grab my phone and put on the Jesse playlist.”

“You have a Jesse playlist?”

“Of course I do - it’s our cookin’ jams.”

Amanda grabbed his phone from where he’d dropped into the cup holder and swiped through his apps until she found his music - he wasn’t kidding about the Jesse playlist, and Amanda was touched that he’d gone to the effort of curating a playlist just for her daughter. Not only that, but she saw another titled Billie, she thumbed over it, glancing sideways at him to see if he’d noticed - she felt a little like she was snooping, but it was worth it when she saw the collection of lullabies he’d saved. She swallowed back the emotion that tightened her throat, and he looked over at her, puzzled. “You okay?”

She nodded, not trusting herself to speak. She hooked his phone up to the speaker and Jesse immediately began singing along - the playlist was a mix of hyperactive pop songs and Disney soundtracks, and she smiled to herself as Sonny mouthed along to the lyrics too.

Despite the enthusiastic sing-along, Billie was asleep about ten minutes after they made it out of Manhattan, and Jesse’s singing volume gradually dropped, though she was still muttering the words to herself as she traced patterns in the fogged up window, leaving finger prints on Sonny’s car that Amanda was sure he wouldn’t care about.

She turned the volume down and leaned against her own window, her head propped up on her fingertips. She watched Sonny drive for a few minutes, until she felt her eyes begin to close.

The next thing she was aware of was the car pulling to a stop, and she blinked her eyes open to see they were in a parking lot. “We here already?” she asked.

“Nah,” Sonny shook his head. “About halfway - bathroom break,” he said.

Amanda turned her head to the backseat, where Jesse was fiddling with her car seat straps - she’d worked out how to undo them herself a few months ago, but she knew to wait until she had permission.

“You okay, Jess?”

“Yeah, I gotta go,” she said, “Can I get out?”

Amanda nodded, and Jesse unbuckled herself as Sonny got out, opening the door for Jesse to clamber out of the car. Billie was still fast asleep. “I’ll take her,” Amanda said, unbuckling her own seatbelt.

Sonny shrugged. “Sure, I was just lettin’ you sleep.”

It was cold outside - the temperature had dropped even further over the last hour, and Sonny was rubbing his hands together while Jesse did an impatient jig, both of their noses and cheeks reddening already.

Billie was awake when they got back to the car, Sonny had turned in his seat to pull faces at her; Billie was giggling away, reaching out to grab at Sonny’s hand as he made to tickle her. Amanda smiled fondly at him as she helped Jesse back into her car seat.

“Are you sure you don’t want to switch out?” She asked as she moved back to the front seat, but Sonny just shook his head. He was still tickling Billie and Jesse was laughing hysterically at them. Amanda watched them for a moment - taking in the way he was with her girls - something she never got tired of seeing. He was the first person to hold Jesse after her, one of the first to hold Billie; he’d been there for every milestone, every birthday - he’d even stopped by the apartment to cook dinner after Jesse’s first day of kindergarten, just so she could tell him about her day. Amanda was nervous about this weekend - about spending time with his family, about making the right impression so that she wouldn’t lose him. Family was everything to him, and it meant so much to her that they were getting to be a part of that.

“We should get going,” Sonny said once Amanda was buckled back into her seat.

He reached out to stroke Billie’s hair back from her face, and she grabbed at his hand and pressed a kiss to his palm, “More, Uncle Sonny!” she said, grinning at him. He gently pulled his hand back, turning away before Billie could plead with him - he was never good at saying no to the girls.

“Let’s get this road trip going,” he said, turning the music back up, much to Jesse and Billie’s delight.

It was dark by the time they pulled up outside a large cabin, flanked by two smaller ones on either side - there were four cars already parked up, and Amanda’s nerves began clawing at her again. Sonny turned to look at her, “Hey, you okay?”

“Is it too late to back out?” she joked; his face dropped and she shook her head quickly, “I’m joking, Dominick, I- I’m just nervous.”

“They’re gonna love you,” he told her, “I promise.”

“You don’t know that.”

“Sure I do - I love you, so they will too,” he said, his eyes widening slightly as though he’d realised what he said, he opened his mouth to say something further, maybe to clarify what he meant, but the door to the cabin opened, and the words died in his throat. Mia walked down the steps towards them, and Sonny turned away from Amanda, opening his door and stepping out to greet Mia with a hug.

When they broke away, Mia leaned into the car to greet Amanda with a smile, “I’m the advanced guard,” she said, “I thought you might like a friendly face before-” she gestured back to the house; with the door now open they could hear music and laughter and Amanda’s stomach churned.

“Hi Mia, thanks, that’s real sweet.”

Mia nodded, “I’m so excited to meet these two!” she said, turning to look in the back of the car; Sonny had opened the back door and was helping Jesse out, Billie straining at the straps of her chair for her own freedom.

“Momma,” Billie yelled impatiently, and Amanda steeled herself before opening her own door, emerging from the car and into the frigid air just as more footsteps came from the cabin.

She recognised Sonny’s mother immediately from the photographs she’d seen; she was beaming at them as she came down the steps. “My baby,” she said, and Sonny winced, embarrassed, as she reached up to pull him into a hug, pressing a kiss to his cheek. “You’re finally here.”

Amanda unbuckled Billie, lifting her from the car seat and into her arms. Billie’s head dropped onto Amanda’s shoulder, and she rubbed at her back as she watched Sonny with his mother.

“I had to work, Ma,” he protested.

“You work too much,” she countered, releasing him at last, her eyes moving now to Jesse, who was hovering nervously at Sonny’s side. “Ah - the famous Jesse!”

Jesse’s eyes widened, “Famous?”

“Sure,” Sonny said, putting a hand on Jesse’s shoulder, “This is my mom; she knows all about you.”

“I hear you’re a good little chef,” Mrs Carisi said, reaching down to give Jesse a hug.

“Uncle Sonny’s teaching me,” Jesse said, leaning her weight back against Sonny’s legs; she looked almost shy, her cheek pressed up against Sonny’s jeans.

“And is he a good teacher?”

Jesse nodded, “I’m getting real good.”

Mrs Carisi smiled again, touching Jesse’s cheek briefly before her eyes came across the car towards Amanda. She froze where she stood, aware she was being taken in, Sonny’s mother looking at her as though debating whether or not she was good enough to have a place in her son’s life - or at least, that’s how it felt to Amanda. “Is this your mommy, Jesse?” she asked, a smile coming across her face.

“Yeah!” Jesse said proudly - she pulled away from Sonny, standing tall and grinning at Amanda. “An’ my baby sister. She’s called Billie.”

“Well,” Mrs Carisi said, “It’s very nice to finally meet the woman my son is so enamoured with.”

“Mom!” Sonny called out, horrified. He threw an apologetic look at Amanda, but his expression was so stricken that she couldn’t help but smile.

“It’s really nice to meet you too, Mrs Carisi.”

“None of that,” she said, “You can call me Mom just like everyone else in this family.”

Amanda nodded, still feeling a ball of anxiety in her stomach. Sonny’s face was flushed, and while it could probably be attributed in part to the cold, Amanda could tell he was a little embarrassed by his mother’s enthusiasm.

“What’s everyone standin’ around in the cold for?” A man who could only be Sonny’s father had emerged from the cabin and was walking towards them.

“Hi Dad,” Sonny said with a smile.

“Hey Sonny - good of you to put in an’ appearance.”

Sonny held up a hand defensively, “I was workin’-”

“Yeah, yeah,” Mr Carisi clapped Sonny on the shoulder affectionately, “I didn’t raise you to leave ladies standin’ out in the cold now, did I?”

“We’re just-” he shook his head. “Dad, this is Amanda.”

“Well, I figured as much, unless you got another girl hidin’ in Manhattan,” he walked over to Amanda, holding out a hand for her to shake, “Nice to meet you.”

“You too,” she smiled as she shook his hand. Billie reached out a hand of her own, pressing it against Mr Carisi’s cheek with a big grin. Sonny looked enough like his father that Billie was immediately enamoured with him.

“And who’s this little lady?”

“This is Billie,” Amanda said, stroking her back; Billie drew her hand away from Mr Carisi, curling into Amanda, giggling shyly.

“Lovely girls you’ve got here,” Mr Carisi said, nodding at Billie and gesturing towards Jesse who had wound her arm around Sonny’s leg and was watching his father curiously. “Let’s get you all inside and warm.”

“Are you Uncle Sonny’s dad?” Jesse asked, and when Mr Carisi nodded she held out her own hand for him to shake, which he did with a laugh. “I’m Jesse.”

“Hey Jesse, you like hot cocoa?”

“Yes!” Mr Carisi held out his hand for hers, and with a brief nod from Sonny, Jesse released his leg and allowed Mr Carisi to lead her towards the cabin.

Sonny grabbed their bags from the trunk and made to follow his father. “Carisi, give me one of those,” Amanda said, gesturing with her free hand.

He shook his head. “I got ’em.”

“Carisi?” Sonny’s mother said; she looked surprised, perhaps at the formality of using his surname over his nickname.

“Momma calls Uncle Sonny Carisi sometimes,” Jesse said, turning back towards them. “And he calls Momma Rollins. And sometimes he calls me Rollins too ’cause he thinks it’s funny.”

Mrs Carisi nodded in understanding as she led the way into the cabin, Amanda and Sonny following her. “Okay, so your dad has put the travel crib up for you-”

Sonny sighed, “Mom, I told him we’d sort it-”

The cabin opened up into a large living space - several couches arranged around a log fire, rugs and cosy blankets around the room. To the left there was a hallway which they followed Mrs Carisi down as she spoke.

“Yeah, well, you’re late,” Mrs Carisi said dismissively. “Anyway, Mia and Teresa are in the little room, and we’ve got you all in the big room.”  She stopped in front of a door halfway down the hallway.

Sonny looked at his mother, his eyebrows knitted together. “Wait, us all?”

“What? You think your father and I don’t know what you get up to when we’re not around?” she said with a laugh. “Anyway, you’ll have those babies in with you so you’ll be on your best behaviour.”

Sonny looked mortified, but his mother didn’t stick around to discuss it further, she opened the door for them and then walked back the way they came.

The room she’d let them into was large, with a double bed against one wall and a raised twin bed against another, with a ladder Jesse was going to be itching to climb. As Mrs Carisi had said, Sonny’s father had assembled a travel crib between the two beds. Amanda put Billie down on the floor, letting her toddle around the room as she took one of the bags from Sonny, depositing it on the bed.

He dropped the other two bags beside it, and turned to look at her. “Amanda, I’m really sorry about this-”

“Sonny, it’s fine,” Amanda told him, shaking her head. She opened up the biggest bag, pulling out a fresh diaper for Billie as Sonny paced the room anxiously.

“I never told them we were together,” He insisted, “I’ve always said we’re friends, I don’t want you to think-”

“I don’t,” she said firmly, “Look, it’s really sweet your parents have invited us up here, and I’m sure you and I can handle a couple of nights sharing a bed.”

He flushed. “We don’t have to- I mean- I can take the twin and Jesse-”

“As funny as it would be watching you climb up there, do you think Jesse is going to let you sleep in that bed once she sees it? You know how many times she’s asked for bunk beds since she went for that play date at Marley’s house?”

He stopped moving around and came to stand beside her, still looking apologetic, “I can speak to my mom, I’ll explain again. I can always-”

“Dominick, stop arguing with me.” Amanda said firmly.

“Is he drivin’ you nuts already?” A voice asked from the doorway, Amanda turned to see Bella standing by the open door, watching them. “Hi Amanda, it’s good to see you again.”

Amanda nodded, “You too.”

“Hey Bella,” Sonny said, walking across the room to give his sister a hug.

“What are you arguing about?” Bella asked.

Amanda nodded her head in Sonny’s direction, “Your brother’s making a fuss about sharing a bed with me.”

Bella pulled a face, “Mom and Dad do not care,” she said.

Sonny groaned, “Bella, come on, I’ve told you a hundred times-”

“It’s not like that,” Bella said, imitating Sonny and rolling her eyes. “Come on, Dad’s rounding up the kids for marshmallow toasting.”

Sonny turned towards Amanda and she gave him a smile - one she hoped reassured him, and conveyed a confidence she wasn’t feeling, “You go on ahead, Billie needs a diaper change.”

“I can-” he began to offer, but she shook her head.

“It’s fine, I’ll catch you up.”

Amanda was grateful for a moment to gather her thoughts - to mentally prepare herself for a whole cabin full of Carisis. Things were going well so far; she didn’t think she’d offended anyone and Jesse had been charming everyone she’d met. Sure, Sonny was a bit apprehensive - more worried, she suspected, about what she thought of his family than the other way around, despite the fact that it would be hard for his family to top hers in the embarrassment stakes. She genuinely wasn’t concerned about sharing a bed with him, either - if she was honest it was something she had thought about before - not specific to this trip, just generally, on nights when he’d crashed on her couch and she’d been tempted to invite him into her bed, but had thought better of it because of what it would mean.

When she eventually emerged from the bedroom she carried Billie back down the little hallway, and then followed the sound of voices to the back of the cabin, where Sonny’s father was standing over a fire pit, helping a girl a little older than Jesse - Bella’s daughter, she assumed - to toast a marshmallow. Sonny was standing in almost a mirror image of his dad, his hand over Jesse’s smaller one, helping her to do the same. Jesse kept turning her head to look up at Sonny, checking she was doing it right - she had a grin right across her face and Amanda was happy to see her looking at ease here amongst Sonny’s extended family. As Sonny guided her back from the fire, Jesse turned her head and spotted Amanda, calling out to her, “Momma! Look!”

Amanda suddenly felt a whole host of Carisi eyes on her - his parents, his sisters and their respective partners, the assortment of nephews and nieces - she almost retreated back into the house, but Sonny met her eye, giving a small nod and a bigger smile, and she stepped towards him. Mia caught Jesse’s attention, guiding her to where Sonny’s mom had laid out mugs of hot cocoa, and Sonny crossed the space towards her.

“You okay?”

“Yeah,” she nodded. She could still feel eyes on her, on them. She knew that it came from a place of love, that Sonny’s family adored him and wanted for him to be happy, but fear still preyed in the back of her mind - that his family would look at her and find her wanting - that they would think she wasn’t good enough for Sonny, whatever place she had in his life.

“Amanda, if this is too much-”

“No,” she shook her head, “Look how much fun Jesse’s having,” she nodded toward where Jesse had sat down next to Bella’s daughter, both in child-sized lawn chairs - they each had a mug of hot cocoa cupped between their hands - their marshmallows long gone - a sticky mess trailing across Jesse’s cheek as she talked animatedly with the small girl next to her. “I want this for her,” Amanda continued, “For them to have… you know… family. Not just the crazy nonsense mine bring.”

As the evening wore on, one by one the children succumbed to tiredness - Amanda put Billie down a little after seven, but the older children fell asleep where they sat, Jesse included. Once they’d moved inside, Amanda had found herself tucked into Sonny’s side on one of the couches; she wasn’t sure if it was engineered or not, but as time went by she moved from merely being sat next to him, to having her head resting against his side, his arm draped across the back of the couch. Jesse was asleep at the other end - a blanket draped over her by Sonny’s mother.

They had the TV on as midnight approached, and as the minutes ticked away she began to make a decision - she had never felt safer and more loved than this moment, curled into Sonny, his family around him, accepting her and her girls as though they were meant to be a part of the picture; when there was less than a minute left on the countdown she grew bolder, moving her hand from his arm to his chest; he shifted his gaze from the TV to her, an unasked question lingering there, and she tilted her head, moving her mouth closer to his ear, “I want-” she hesitated, “I want you to-”

Everyone around them began counting down the last ten seconds of 2020, but the words she was trying to get out got caught in her throat, and she panicked as time ran out, not wanting to miss her shot. As the countdown reached zero, and as the ball dropped, Sonny took her cheek in his hand, pressing a tentative kiss to her lips - he knew without her saying, and she kissed him back; all her hopes for the new year, for them, swirling in her head. He grinned at her as they broke apart, but before they could speak, Jesse clambered over her, awoken by the noise of celebration.

Her eyes widened as she looked between the two of them, her mouth slightly agape. “Is it the New Year, Momma?” she asked.

“It is baby,” she said, and Jesse grinned.

“My wish came true,” she said, looking up at them with tired eyes.

“Let’s get you to bed,” Sonny said, pulling away from Amanda slowly and holding out his arms for Jesse, who let him hoist her into the air. Amanda watched them go, sinking back into the couch and glancing around the room. She didn’t think anyone had noticed them; too preoccupied with their own midnight kisses, but Mia caught her eye across the room and smiled reassuringly at her, and Amanda leaned back into the couch cushions to wait for Sonny to come back.

They stayed up for another hour or so - Amanda was tired, but she was enjoying the atmosphere; when Sonny had returned he’d put his arm around her and she’d curled back into his side. No one said anything, conversations continued, and she felt content, listening and watching Sonny and his family interact.

Gradually, everyone retired for the night - Bella and Tommy carrying their two children to bed; Sonny’s parents wishing them all a Happy New Year once more before going themselves - his mother hugging Amanda too as she made her way around the room. When and Amanda and Sonny got back to their room, she checked on the girls first; both still fast asleep.

Sonny went to the bathroom to change and when he returned he hesitated before joining her in the bed. “Is this - is this still okay?”

“Yeah, of course,” she said. She understood his cautiousness - a brief New Year kiss didn’t have to change anything, but it had the potential to change everything.

“I didn’t plan any of this,” he said, his hand rubbing at the back of his neck,  “Not that I don’t want- but I honestly invited you up here because I thought you an’ the girls would enjoy it. Not for-”

Amanda laughed, “As seductions go, Carisi, setting us up to share a room with my kids wouldn’t have been the best one.”

He flushed, “I’m not-”

“Dominick, come to bed.”

“Right,” he said; he turned out the lights before joining her; she couldn’t see him - it was so dark up here, no street-lamps or car headlights shining in through the curtains - but she could sense him lying on his back, stiff as a board and she reached out for him, moving closer and resting her head against his chest.

“Is this okay?”

“Yeah,” he whispered back, “Yeah, definitely.” One of his arms came around her, holding her close to him as they both drifted off to sleep - promises for the rest of the weekend, and for the year ahead, remained unvoiced, but they hung in the air between them, waiting.

The rest of the weekend went by in a blur - walks through the snow, with Jesse stopping to make snowballs every few feet, Carisi’s family laughing and joking around, his hand finding hers as they walked, their gloved fingers entwining; building snowmen together, watching Sonny and his father debate the best way to structure them; hot cocoa each evening around the fire, Sonny’s arm around her, Jesse and Billie curled up beside them. As time went on Amanda, relaxed more, felt more at ease with Sonny’s family and less like an intruder they were assessing. His mother was kind, his father was too, in a more subtle way - his sisters were friendly and welcoming - his nieces and nephews embraced Jesse and Billie as part of their family without hesitation. It was almost like something from a holiday postcard or a Hallmark movie, but Amanda let herself enjoy it - it was the opposite of spending time with her own family, and while a part of her would always long for the kind of relationship with her parents, with her sister, that eight year old Amanda had wanted, this was what she wanted for her girls; and, she thought, as they packed up the car again on Sunday afternoon - this was what she wanted for herself too. Sonny, in her life in every way he could be - and all these people who loved him unconditionally, who had shown nothing but love for her and her children too.

The drive back was quiet - the girls exhausted from a weekend of fresh air and adventure; Amanda had switched to the Billie playlist once they’d set off, and both Jesse and Billie were asleep soon after. She watched Sonny out the corner of her eye as he drove.

He turned his head towards her, as though he could sense her gaze on him. “You okay?”

“Dominick,” she said, keeping her voice low, not wanting the girls to wake up.

“Yeah?” he asked, his eyes flicking back the road.

“Thank you… for inviting us up here, for letting us be a part of your weekend.”

He turned to look at her again, a smile filling his face, “Thank you for comin’, I know they’re… I know it’s a lot, an’ I’m so glad you were there.”

“Your family are great,” she said, and she meant it. She let a moment or two go by before she spoke again. “But I’m most grateful for you. We’re lucky to have you.”

“I’m the lucky one,” Sonny said, “You don’t give yourself enough credit, y’know?”

“I don’t-”

“Don’t argue with me, Rollins,” he said, half joking. She didn’t.

He helped her get the girls and their bags up to her apartment; a guiding hand on Jesse’s back as she sleepily dragged her feet up the stairs, Amanda just behind them with Billie in her arms. When they got inside, Jesse threw herself onto the couch, and Amanda put Billie down beside her.

She turned to Sonny; he’d put their bags in the hallway and was leaning against the wall in the kitchen. “Do you, uh…” she hesitated; they’d had a great weekend, and she didn’t want it to end just yet, but he was clearly tired, and she had two sleepy children to get settled.

“I should go back to my place,” he said; he sound reluctant to leave, though.

“Yeah, okay.”

“I’ve got a bunch of arraignments tomorrow morning and I should look over the files before.” Amanda nodded, but Sonny made no effort to move.

Amanda didn’t push him; busying herself in the kitchen getting drinks for the girls; she was reaching into the cabinet to get a plastic cup for Jesse when she felt his hand on her lower back, and she turned to look at him. He glanced over to where the girls were occupied by the television, before he leaned in cautiously, his lips hovering barely a centimetre from hers. She closed the gap; it was a brief kiss, barely more than a touch of their lips, but her heart sang all the same. “I thought we could start the year off how we intend to continue it,” he whispered as he pulled back, his face still close to hers. She kissed him again.

“That’s a good plan,” she said, resting her hand on his chest. “Thank you again - for this weekend. It was a lot of fun.”

He smiled at her, “Maybe we can do it again sometime?”

She nodded, and he kissed her once more before reluctantly pulling himself away; she watched as he went to the living room, pressing kisses to the top of both Jesse and Billie’s heads and wishing them goodnight. They both frowned up at him, clearly unimpressed that he was leaving - their matching pouts made Amanda smile.

“I’ll see you guys soon,” he promised.

Amanda walked him out, “You should, uh, you should come over after work tomorrow,” she said. “If you’re not sick of us.”

He nodded, “Never gonna be sick of you,” he said, leaning in for one last kiss before he left.