#rollaro

When Amanda walked into the squad room and saw Nick talking to Olivia her heart dropped. Why was he back? He had left her almost three years ago and now he had turned up, fitting back into the squad room chatter as if he had never left.

She finally had a good life with Jesse and Sonny… if you could count him as part of her life when they hadn’t discussed exactly what they were to each other.

Amanda backed out of the squad room slowly once she realised no one had seen her yet and once in the elevator she messaged Olivia telling her she was sick and wouldn’t be able to make it in today. Her only problem was that Sonny knew she wasn’t sick, he’d been at her apartment the whole night before.

Once she was back at home, she relieved her babysitter telling her she had decided to spend the day with Jesse. She knew her next job was to call Sonny.

The blonde woman gave Jesse her sippy cup of milk before clicking on Sonny’s contact, he was always at the top of her recently called list. She knew he would put two and two together after seeing Nick there. He was the only one who knew Jesse was Nick’s; she’d told everyone else she wasn’t and luckily for her Jesse almost looked identical to her so no one would ever have assumed she lied.

The phone rang twice before he answered, “Detective Carisi.”

“You always answer the phone to people you know like that?” she teased.

“‘Manda, I didn’t look at the name before I answered. Are you okay? Liv said you were sick. You felt fine this morning didn’t you? Was it the food? I feel fine. Nick is here helping on a case.” He spewed out what felt like a million words a minute.

“Okay, slow. I’m fine, I’m not sick I just… wanted to spend the day with Jesse I’ve been missing her lately, and” Amanda pauses, “I got to work and saw Nick was there; I kind of freaked out a little.”

“Because you still have feelings for him?” Sonny asked a little deflated.

“What? No of course not I’m happy with how things are right now I just didn’t want him asking any questions in case I started nervous talking.”

“Oh right, yeah the Jesse thing I get it it’s okay, I’ll just see you later yeah?” Sonny’s voice changed to a softer understanding tone.

“Yeah I’ll see you later, thank you.” Amanda hung up the phone looking over at Jesse who had been watching her waiting for her to be done.

“Mama, Unc Son?” She asked with bright wide eyes.

“Yes baby, it was Uncle Sonny,” Amanda smiled at her daughter’s attempt to say his name he’d been trying to teach her ever since she started saying Mama and she was getting closer every day.

Although she was still learning a lot she could say quite a bit for her age. The pronunciation was what was difficult for her.

“What should we do today baby? How about the park?” Amanda stroked Jesse’s blonde hair as the little girl smiled widely and nodded quickly at the word park.

——————

At the precinct, Sonny was jotting down notes from the last case, he hadn’t finished them before going over to Amanda’s last night.

He was pulled from his concentration when he noticed a shadow by his desk, the shadow belonging to Nick.

“Carisi, how are you doing man?” Nick said as he approached.

“Yeah, I’m great. How’s California?”

“Warm, Amanda would like it. Speaking of, where is she today?”

Sonny nodded figuring that was his angle since the two of them had never been very close, “She’s out sick accordin’ to Liv.”

“Aw, that’s too bad I would have liked to see her,” It was at that moment that Nick spotted the picture Sonny had on his desk of Amanda and Jesse from a few days after she was born.

“Who’s that?” Nick asked pointing at Jesse, “And why have you got a picture of Amanda on your desk?”

Carisi could hear the tone in Nick's voice, it was agitated and a little aggressive so he knew the safest way to play it off was, “That’s Amanda’s daughter, Jesse, and I’m her godfather hence the picture.”

“Right, she’s got a kid? A lot has changed since I was last here.”

Sonny nodded before looking back down at his paperwork.

——————

By 11 am both Amanda and Jesse were in their hats, scarves, gloves and coats, ready to leave. It wasn’t particularly cold but it was nearing the colder months in New York and they’d be outside for a while; Amanda really didn’t want to risk Jesse getting sick.

The park was only a couple of blocks from her apartment and she didn’t want to carry Jesse’s stroller down the five flights of stairs so she opted for carrying and letting her walk every so often since she liked wandering a lot at the moment.

They walked slowly to the park due to the small steps Jesse could take and once they got there she made a beeline for the swings. Amanda helped her in and started pushing it gently feeling so much love in her chest each time the girl squealed or giggled.

The park was mostly empty at this time of day but she felt eyes on her for around five minutes before she felt someone grab her shoulder. The grab was gentle but still scared her enough to turn and shove the person before catching a glimpse of their face.

“Sonny! What the fuck?” Amanda exclaimed, prompting Jesse to turn to see what was going on.

“Sorry sorry, I thought… I wanted to surprise you,” He rubbed the back of his neck and gave her a small grin, “I suppose that wasn’t the best idea.”

“Unc Son!” Jesse giggled lifting her arms in the air for him to pick her up out of the swing which he happily did.

“Right,” Amanda rolled her eyes, “Maybe make yourself known next time, what are you doing here?”

“We have a case in the area, just lookin’ around for some clues right now with,” He didn’t get to finish his sentence before Amanda noticed Nick walking toward them.

She quickly turned to Sonny with her eyes a bit wider than usual, “Seriously? You’re with him!” She whispered.

“Well I would have been with you but you ditched.”

Amanda hit his shoulder gently, it probably would have been a bit harder if he weren’t holding her daughter.

“Amanda,” Nick said although she wasn’t sure if he had said it as a question or a statement.

“Nick, hi,” she offered a small but slightly awkward smile.

Nick’s eyes narrowed at Sonny seeing how close he was to Amanda. “So this ya kid?”

Amanda nods, “Yeah, Jesse.”

“How old is she?” Nick asked before Sonny handed Jesse back to Amanda and interrupted with an excuse that they needed to carry on with their search.

Amanda was more than grateful that Sonny had interrupted and she knew he did it to prevent Nick from finding out that Jesse was his daughter.

——————

Later in the evening, Amanda was still waiting for Sonny to come over, it was just past 6 so she had fed and bathed Jesse and was about to get her ready for bed when she heard a knock on the door. It wasn’t Sonny’s usual knock he did before opening the door with his own key but she wasn’t expecting anyone else.

She walked to the door holding a sleepy Jesse in her arms. She opened the door and was met with Nick instead of the blue-eyed man she was expecting.

“Nick? What are you doing here?” Amanda asked surprised but let him in.

“We needed to talk Amanda,” Nick said seriously causing the blonde to sigh.

“Let me just set her up with the TV,” Amanda walks further into the apartment with Nick following. She put Frozen on and passed Jesse her comfort blanket before going over to the breakfast bar across the room and taking a seat.

Nick chose to stand which she wasn’t all that surprised about, she knew how he got when he had some kind of pent-up anger.

“How old is she?” He asked the same question he had tried to ask earlier.

“Two, almost three.”

“Is she mine? I mean I wouldn’t think it from first glance she’s almost identical to you but the timeline… she is right? The night after Liv’s?”

“Yeah, yes she’s ours,” Amanda replied not looking at him, she kept her eyes trained on Jesse the whole time.

Nick threw his arms down letting them slap against his body, “Why didn’t you tell me? When were you going to tell me?” His tone became more stern.

“You left Nick, you didn’t even tell me you were leaving! What was I supposed to do? Call you and tell you that you knocked me up before you left?” Amanda shook her head with a sarcastic laugh.

“Uh yeah, Amanda that’s exactly what you should have done.”

“And what, you would have left your wife and your other children to come back here to be with Jesse and me?” Amanda rolled her eyes.

“Don’t do that,” he raised his voice slightly, “At least I would have known and I could have been here for you. I mean come on! You knew what it was like for me when I found out about Gil.”

Amanda hadn’t really thought about Nick’s situation with his son, it hadn’t really crossed her mind once when deciding on whether or not to tell Nick about Jesse.

“I don’t need you, Nick. I can look after her myself.”

Nick laughed or scoffed.. maybe it was both she couldn’t really tell, “More like you needed someone so you jumped into bed with my replacement as soon as I left.”

She stood from her seat and turned her head quickly to face him angrier now, “No, you’re not judging me. You left me, my life doesn’t concern you anymore.”

Both of them knew how heated their arguing could get but neither of them wanted to back down, they were both so caught up in the anger of it all that they didn’t hear Sonny’s knock on the door or the twisting of his key in the door or Jesse’s sleepy “Unc Son” as he walked through to where they all were.

“Jess, hi.” He stopped almost taken aback for a second at the sight of another man in Amanda’s apartment and also at the raised voices and how close they were to each other.

“Guys, whoa, what is all this about?” Sonny said trying to get between them.

“Back off man,” Nick said with his teeth gritted.

“No Amaro I think you need to back off-“ He was interrupted by Amanda, she hadn’t meant to be rude towards him but in her anger, it came out that way.

“I got this, I don’t need protecting Carisi!”

Nick suddenly turned more of his attention to Sonny, “Did you know? You like planning ‘Daddy’ with another man’s child? Trying to slither your way into her life?” Nick pointed at the appropriate people he was addressing as he spoke.

“At least I stayed,” Sonny simply said before earning a shove from Nick.

Jesse saw him get pushed, she hadn’t been paying attention until that point considering she was trying to doze off on the sofa. The confrontation made her scared. She started to cry calling for Mama.

“That’s enough, Nick, you should go,” Amanda said quietly but harshly before going over to Jesse to comfort her.

Sonny had followed Nick to lock the door behind him before joining his two favourite people.

“I’m sorry baby,” Amanda was mumbling to Jesse as she bounced her up and down kissing her head.

“Are you okay?” Sonny asked rubbing a hand down Amanda’s back.

“Yeah, we will talk once she’s in bed? Are you okay? Did he hurt you?”

“He’s not that much stronger than me,” Carisi added for some humour. Amanda just smiled and shook her head.

“Want to read her bedtime story?”

“Always.”

——————

The two of them were sitting on the sofa eating the takeout Sonny had picked up on the way over.

“You said we’d talk?” He broke the comfortable silence between them.

“Yeah, I don’t know why he came here. Well no of course I know why but I didn’t expect it to go like that.”

“Did he hurt you?”

“What? No, never. Not physically he wouldn’t he’s not like that… we just know how to rattle each other,” Amanda emphasised, she had to make it clear she knew Nick he would never put his hands on a woman in that way.

“Okay,” he put his arm around her pulling her closer to him, “But you wanted to talk? Did he say something to you?”

“He brought some things up,” she sighs, “It reminded me I haven’t really told you everything about myself.”

“What do you mean?”

“Before you started at SVU I was in some trouble, gambling debt. I went to meetings a lot. Something changed in me when I had Jesse though I knew I couldn’t do that anymore even if I have an urge to gamble I know I can’t for her.” Amanda spoke.

Sonny nodded his head, “I will help you in every way I can and I’ll never judge you. If you have an urge you tell me,” he kissed the side of her head.

She smiled, “Thank you. Anyways my point is Nick brought it up,” she looked down at the blanket covering their laps, “I know he was just trying to get under my skin but he said if I keep screwing up as I did back then I’m going to make a bad mother and role model for Jess and I don’t know.. It got to me. I work so much I barely see her, I’m failing her already.”

Sonny saw a tear fall down her face, “Hey,” He took her face into his hands forcing her to look in his eyes, “Amanda, you’re a great mother. Jesse is so lucky you’re her mom. You don’t think Olivia is a bad mom do you? And she leaves Noah with a babysitter while she works as well so why would it make you one?”

“Liv is a better person than I am,” she says quietly.

“Stop that, you’re amazing and.. and I love you.”

“You love me?” Her wet eyes look hopeful for a second.

“Of course I do, I have for a long time,” He kissed her forehead.

“I love you too Dominick, thank you,” she hugs him tighter.