as he’d quickly learned at the beginning of the month, the silence about may’s evaluation had stretched further than just sphere. the absence of any information had him on edge for the first week or so and the last week or so, but the quiet in the middle had been bliss. not having to worry about a make it or break it four minutes at the end of the month meant that he had time to worry about other things; fun things like his youtube covers and rewatching ‘a new hope’ on the forty year anniversary since it’s release in the us. of course, he would focus on his performance skills, too, alongside his ‘lounging in bed with apple slices and a dvd’ skill and his ‘long, embarrassing talks with mum’ skill, but it had felt good to take a breather. 

naturally, they weren’t going to get off scot-free, and the very feeling seungcheol had pooling in his stomach for those first and last few days had been dread at what would eventually come. but, he’d promised his mother he’d do more ‘living in the moment’ (and he’d quite honestly forgotten monthly evaluations existed without sphere breathing down his neck to practice and perfect whatever he was bringing to the table). 

still, he knew he was nothing special. everyone else would be feeling the same, and from conversations he’d had (or more often, heard in passing), majority vote was ‘relieved but suspicious’. he couldn’t say he didn’t agree, honestly. 

he theorised, though, just like everyone else. are they watching our day to day behaviour? how we interact with others within and outside of our companies? are they watching our behaviour outside our training? perhaps they’re using our daily mini evaluations to gauge our progress? but the more he thought about it, the more nervous he got that he would fail, so he did his best to avoid the topic just as the staff at the company were doing also. 

may 31st rolls around more quickly than he expects, really. he’d been comfortably riding the wave of freedom for the past few weeks, practicing for his youtube covers and indulging in well-needed seungcheol time. he supposes he should’ve expected something to happen, and on some level, he does — he’s not shocked to be pulled into a theatre with the other sphere trainees and asked to perform on the spot, but it’s not like he knew it was going to happen either. 

neutral. for once, he’s neutral. 

(he does curse his father a little once he realises choi is early alphabetically, though.)

he knows that for a lot of trainees, this is only the second time they’ll see him open his mouth, and that the first time had been a slightly questionable song choice from a boy of his outward appearance, but he’s not sure whether to feel embarrassed by that fact or not. he can’t deny that it’s almost sad how little he’s socialised since he got here, but it’s not like he can help it when he feels like a nuisance to new people, especially having come into a space where everyone already had their social circles established before he arrived. he wonders what those people think of him based on that one performance and the one soon to start, but that’s too dangerous territory to delve deeper into right now. he shouldn’t dive in at the deep end minutes before he’s due to stand before them; he doesn’t want to mess this up enough to make his fears a reality. 

time isn’t of the essence as the trainee he knows is immediately before him starts their allocated minute. he has a hundred ideas swimming around in his head, but he can’t pin one, and likely won’t be able to until he’s stood up there, the pressure crushing him until he opens his mouth. what will it be? he’s forced to rap (be careful what you wish for!) but rap what? the plot line of rogue one? everything right with jar jar binks? snoop dogg’s rap parts in hangover? god, he hopes that’s not what spills out of his mouth once he gets up there. 

“choi seungcheol.” 

truth be told, it’s natural — at least after the first few seconds of him blinking blankly at the judges, expecting a cue to start, and realising he isn’t going to get one and the clock is ticking — that he hears the intro of his last youtube cover fast forward in his mind. what else would come to him first? it’s what he’s listened to the most this past month (that he can rap to, anyway); it’s all he’d practiced at home until he posted the video on the 20th. 

this isn’t so bad, after all. 

time line 연애 중 띄우고 모두 날 탐나는 듯 쳐다봐도 너 무슨 생각해? 네 손끝에 내가 닿을 때 딴 곳 보며 딴청해 넘 빠르잖아 이런 현상 우리 사이 뻔히 보여 흔한 결말 소심해 보이기 싫어 but I’m a so sick 내가 원하는 게 뭔지 다 알잖아 천천히 걷자 이 선선한 밤 넌 급한 일이라도 있나 봐 내 발걸음과 동시에 내 마음을 재촉해 하이힐 신은 것도 모르나 봐 하고 싶은 말은 못해 내 연애방식 에이 내가 예민한 거겠지 a형이라 그래 아님 또 누군갈 놓쳐버릴까 혼자 삼키는 밤

to keep time, he clicks his fingers to the beat, sways his body to the instrumental only he can hear. he doesn’t doubt that he’s a little off towards the start, having to pull something out of his back pocket with little preparation shaking his nerves ever so slightly, but as it always has been (especially when he closes his eyes briefly and pretends he’s alone), it doesn’t take long for seungcheol to lose himself in the ‘music’. 

is this cheating a little? he wonders as he comes to the slightly more vocal line, but it’s so seamlessly within the rap and so short that seungcheol breezes over it and hopes for the best. in hindsight, maybe euna kim’s rap would have been better; it didn’t have the suspicious half-rap and is a little faster in pace, but it’s too late for that now. when stood before the expectant faces of the coaches and his fellow trainees, his brain had started the song from the beginning, not the middle. (makes sense, really.)

actually, when he thinks about it, he’s not sure who he’s more scared of not impressing today — the stone faced coaches or his equally as expressionless labelmates. 

(when he thinks about it after the performance, when they’re not all watching him like hawks, he realises it’s the latter. his superiors have the power to kick him out or harden his training, but his colleagues have the power to ostracise him even more and that’s far scarier than overtime.)

closing in on freedom once more, he allows himself to look a little more animated. something he’s never understood is the wild arm gestures of underground or ‘serious’ rappers, but he can appreciate the disadvantages of standing still, too. seungcheol’s not exactly overflowing with stage presence by himself — his recent collaborations at the yeouido flower festival had proven that he truly came alive on stage when by someone’s side — but that doesn’t mean he won’t try. there’s a spring in his step as he absentmindedly shuffles, and he rounds off the last line as smoothly as he can, making sure he doesn’t instinctively leap right into the chorus. 

once silence falls over the theatre, he seeks his starting position again and bows ninety degrees. 

nice try, sphere. his performance isn’t anything to brag about, really, but he doesn’t think he’s done bad, either. he won’t stand out as anything special, but maybe this month, that’s for the best. 

rounded up like cattle on the behind of a pick-up truck, jihyun actually feels her heart fall into the depths of her stomach. lined amongst the trainees, she peeks over jieun’s shoulder only to blanch at the sight of the panel ahead of them. 

if there was ever a moment to come unprepared, jihyun wished it hadn’t been this one. 

( the slightest ache rings in her ears, an undeniable sting against her fingertips -- mouth painstakingly dry ; she was definitely not prepared )

it goes without saying that, without the heads up, jihyun hadn’t practiced today -- she hadn’t even had the chance to warm up, which, for jihyun, was her ultimate downfall. there was no way she’d make it through this evaluation unscathed. and as confident as she usually was in her vocals, there’s a clear distinction stricken along her spine.

the sickly-straight posture, curled fists and fidgeting feet were far too obvious to be overlooked. 

as everyone takes their turn, one by one, performing to their utmost capable of abilities, jihyun feels herself grow faint; lips chapped, the swipe of a nervous appendage doing nothing to ail them. 

it isn’t until the unmistakable, “lee jihyun --” is called, that she rises; the first of many times that she untangles her fingers from their fists to push dark tendrils behind her; feigning whatever bit of confidence she could muster in that moment to flaunt to the coaches, the staff, to so jisub. all of whom gazed upon her, unreadable and strong like an iron wall. 

her fingers curl once more as she fights the nerves that tickle the nape of her neck; nails digging painful crescents into pale palms. she recites a tale she’s done for almost four years now; “i’m lee jihyun,” she bows her head, like she’s done for many months too many, before dark hues fly through those of the judges, towards the farthest corner. the darkest little indent in the back of the room where the nerves could no longer reach her ( at least, she hoped, they couldn’t ).

“i’ll be singing how will i know by whitney houston.” if she couldn’t sing her last month, she might as well do her this month -- it was the only few melodies jihyun could remember on short notice. 

she realizes upon first breath, she probably should have tried to run the lyrics in her head before she spoke, because here she is, first breath given and left on a stand-still. what were the words?

panic has yet to set in, it’s a slow, inevitable death -- she thinks as she watches their stares harden, and it isn’t until she hears one of the coaches clearing their throats,

“you can begin, jihyun-ssi.” that she realizes, she’s yet to even start. 

her own gaze wavers, nails dig deeper into her palms, an uneasy smile rising to an uncomfortable facade. “i’m sorry, of course.” fingers uncurl from their firsts once more to tangle again, tightening as her eyes blur and she’s fading eyelids closed; she breathes heavily through her nose and once, slowly pass her lips.

    OOOH -- HOW WILL I KNOW?     IF HE REALLY LOVES ME,      I SAY A PRAYER, WITH EVERY -- HEART BEAT. 

she begins, slowly reciting the words in even breath, steady beat. jihyun can only hope that the melody is fitting between the words, sung along the lines; desperately clutching for a life boat to save her from the mess that was her slowly succumbing to panic. she can hear the way her breath is falling much too quickly between the notes, how raspy her voice was becoming from the lack of practice she’d down that day.

     FALLING IN LOVE -- IT’S ALL BITTERSWEET.

somehow the words fit, and it’s the slightest bit of warmth that fills her. it makes her think of better things, keeps her mind the slightest bit away from how absolutely hard this song was to sing. it has her second-guessing her choice the moment the high notes begin and she’s out of her league. because without practice, fitting no longer mattered, not when the way they executed was trailing further and further away from excellence. she’s breathier than usual, her voice off a few notes, much more sharp than what it should have been. and it’s further from her control as she watches pens quickly dabble against white pages, turned and once more inked. 

she fears the worst, once more.

          IF HE LOVES ME, IF HE LOVES ME NOT.     HEY, HOW WILL I KNOW?

if her ultimate demise that day was fearing the worst to come, perhaps, she should have seen it coming. perhaps, if she had steered clear of sky-reaching high notes and beautiful runs, she wouldn’t have had to fear so much.

          ✦ ˟   —————— HOW WILL I, HOW WILL I,  — HOW WILL I KNOW ,                                           HOW WILL I KNOW?

but as her last note comes much too messily, runs wildly away from her as her last breath escapes her, and the note breaks; she feels her nerves collapse and her heart stop. 

when finally arrive at the stage, the trainee feels herself relax a bit. may evaluations, that’s all. for a moment, she considered the fact that they were all in trouble. but clearly it was just a little surprise for them - a wrench thrown into their daily routines, something the girl didn’t find all that bothering. it was something interesting definitely a relief and not an impending stress. 

immediatley, she began forming basic choreography in her head - listening to the songs they were playing for the others and taking notes on the other performances ( a pro to being last ). but unfortunately for the last performer, that meant all eyes would be on them. she needed to do well.

the trainee carried herself to the stage confidently when her name was called, zhou jieqiong echoing throughout the theater before the soft steps of her shoes padded towards center stage. she bowed to the panel of judges before taking a deep breath - shaking out her limbs before settling into a natural standing position. 

the short intro of ❝  yonce  ❞ began and jieqiong immediately threw herself into the mood of the song, head lazily rolling once as she allowed a slight smirk to appear on her lips. "gimme some!” she raised her hand as she motioned towards the panel - keeping eye contact with a few members of the panel as she slowly begins descending to the floor.

jieqiong was glad to be able to show a new side to herself - showing sphere that she could do a dance with more of a mature side ( well, at least for her ). she couldn’t help but feel newfound confidence in this stage as her body began blending itself in with the beats of the song. although she was certainly lacking in some areas, she was happy she could show this side of herself.

♪ ~ see me up in the club with fifty-eleven girls posted in the back, diamond fangs in my grill brooklyn brim with my eyes sitting low every boy in here with me got that smoke ~ ♪

it wasn’t a jieqiong performance if she didn’t throw in a wink somewhere. so she winked at baek jiyoung ( she didn’t know where the courage to do that came from. actually, she did - they accidentally made eyecontact and the trainee just went with it ) as she rose back to a standing position. she bounced slightly on her feet before swinging herself into the next counts, the side of her hand sliding across her forehead and her eyes scanning the panel ‘up and down’ before moving on.

♪ ~ every boy in here with me got that smoke every girl in here got to look me up and down all on instagram, cake by the pound circulate the image every time i come around g's up, tell me how i'm looking babe ~ ♪

once again, she was surprised how fast her performance was coming to an end. her mind was still racing to place new choreography and movements but she was lucky to be familiar with the song ( mentally thanking herself for being obsessed with queen b no doubt ). she couldn’t imagine going into this without having heard the song before - the thought alone made her anxious. she still had a long way to go before she got to that point. but she needed to worry about doing her best now instead of what was to come. 

♪ ~ boy this all for you just walk my way just tell me how it's looking babe just tell me how it's looking babe (how it's looking babe) i do this all for you baby just take aim  ~ ♪

Everything was basically a blank slate, the truth waiting to jump out at them at the least expected moment. His mind runs a mile a minute, unable to keep up with his line of thoughts. He hated this, having to rush everything. The fact that that they hadn’t mentioned what song they will need to perform wasn’t helping. It feels like he’s doing this to survive more than anything else and it irks him a little, but he really didn’t have ample time to dwell on it. Instead, he looks at it as a way to improve on his freestyling. With a sigh, he decides to go and stick with something he thinks he’s best at (and most comfortable with) - hip hop.

Not a second later, he hears his name being called and he steps forward, a polite greeting before he chooses dancing. It was his strongest skill, after all, but it doesn’t mean he wasn’t nervous. He had nothing up his sleeves this time, no practiced steps to run through his memories and it took all of his will power not to panic on the spot.

With a deep breath, Bruno Mars’ voice reaches his ears and bounced off the walls. It wasn’t long before the beat of the song had him moving, taking advantage of the fact that the song had a nice groove and anything could practically go with it. He chooses sharp and fast movements though, keeping track of the rhythm so he could throw in a few pop and locks to keep things interesting, but not forgetting to maintain the fun the song originally had. He literally only had seconds to prove himself today, after all.

Sehun’s hips and legs are his base for this routine, pulling up everything he’s learned through the years - weeks of training and years of passion for dancing bleeding through his every move. There’s a lot more discipline in his execution this time around, thanks to all those exhausting training - his lines are much more defined, his pops and locks a lot more precise. For a brief moment he’s reminded of why he had fallen in love with dancing in the first place, and he tries his best to get that message across.

                                                                                                                              ( trying to let you know                                                                                                                            sign을 보내 signal 보내                                                                                                                                    i must let you know                                                                                                                          sign을 보내 signal 보내 )

the damn song is the only thing that comes to mind and she refuses -- she didn’t even like the group to begin with due to their lack of talent and kt girls doing cheer up last year was enough aegyo to last a lifetime, according to sunyoung. she begs her mind to give her something else to work with, another song that actually fits her skills... and yet ..

                                                                                                                         ( sign을 보내 signal 보내                                                                                     sign을 보내 signal 보내

                                                                      sign을 보내 signal 보내 )

time is ticking, it’s probably been about 20 seconds of silence from her end, and coughs and anticipation from the judges and crowd and all she has said was a droning “uhhhhhhh ..... “ meanwhile the childish song still plays in her head, and she hates that she it’s the only thing her mind is giving her, but there isn’t much to do about it now.

if she’s gonna sing the fucking song, she might as well give them a show -- or at least have fun with it herself.

from some point, i started liking you you fool why don’t you know my heart?

when are you going to stop being so dumb and only treat me as a friend? ‘cause that’s not what I want

it’s an odd place to start, right in the middle of the song at the main vocal’s entrance, but she doesn’t care. all caution is thrown out the window because this is a song way below her skill level ( she might as well of sung the pororo theme, and she’s actually regretting that she didn’t ), her deep tone sounding a bit off with the high pitched cuteness of the original, but it gets the job done, she supposes.

sending you a sign, sending a signal electric electric electric electric i want you, i want you but why aren’t you reacting?

every time we meet, with all my heart electric electric electric electric i’m waiting, you can see everything but why don’t you know?

embarrassment shows within her features as she starts to do the simple choreography, raising her hands posed as cutesy antennas while she ticks her hips to the time of her voice, throwing hearts every single way as the dance calls for it. she’s sure she can see some of the boys cringing at a 24 year old trying to do the dance of a fresh and sprightly teenagers, and there’s a portion of her that wants to laugh at them. at herself. at this entire situation, especially how the judges refuse to show any type of emotion at her talent show, but she doesn’t.

trying to let you know sending you a sign, sending a signal i must let you know sending you a sign, sending a signal

if i look at you and smile, you should know i’ve already looked at you and smiled so many times today if i keep talking to you, you should feel it i keep staying by your side

too bad that the only part of the choreography she knows is the chorus, because now she’s back to staying still and sunyoung decides to just wing it at this point. when the talking turns into singing once more, voice probably the most stable it’s every been and smooth as it transitions ( it’s hardly a challenge ) she dedicates this song to the judges and trainers up front, giving winks and extra hearts their way while doing body rolls and shaking her hips while not moving too vigorously -- her vocals were supposed to shine through. they might not match the somewhat innocent nature of the song, but if she’s singing it, then she could make it into whatever she pleases.

from some point, i started liking you you fool why don’t you know my heart?

when are you going to stop being so dumb and only treat me as a friend? ‘cause that’s not what i want

she ends upon the same verse she started on, still doing ... whatever she was doing that could be passed off for dancing. sending finger guns towards the each one of the judges as the table before doing it to the crowd, pointing at her heart and pouting with the acceptable line, and doing the point dance one last time before she abruptly ends. that was a minute, right?

swallowing back his nerves, he ducks his head and stares down at his legs, racking his mind for something. for something he can perform-- singers have all the freedom to choose, and only a minute to perform. what on earth can he do? acapella? that even limits him more. maybe is woohyun hadn't been stuck in such a slump, this would have been easier for him to figure out. there's plenty of songs he could sing, plenty of parts that could showcase his growth. but he can't think of a single god damn one. when his name is called, he looks up in a daze, croaks out a weak "coming!" as he manuevers his way up to the center stage. he tells his nerves to calm down, focuses on the lyrics of a song from a cartoon-- that's easy enough, right? there shouldn't be anything to worry about. the only ones here are his fellow kt trainees, his coaches, katie lee. is fainting on stage a good showcase of talent? because it's certainly what woohyun wants to do. he throws caution to the window, offering a shaky smile to the crowd as he sucks in a breath. he pushes to get it over with, stuttering out a laugh as he begins-- "i am a cat, just chilling out. but in the night-- she’s all i think about.” his voice is soft, hesitant-- amplified by microphones as he attempts his best at lyrics. “i feel so strong, when she’s around. she picks me up-- when i am down.”

it’s embarrassing, just a tad. to be singing a children’s show theme song, but it’s the best that woohyun has.

“oh no, you’ll never know.” he breathes. “my love can only grow. and when i see her smile, that’s when she becomes...” he holds out the note for a second longer than he’s supposed to, soft smile on his face as he feels the ambiance of the lyrics, imagines the beat. “miraculous, simply the best-- up to the test, when things go wrong. miraculous--- the luckiest, the power of love always so strong.” another repeat of the chorus-- his vocals don’t do the original female counterpart justice, but he tries his best. miraculous-- you are the one!”