#responsive parenting

I would argue that every post I make about punitive justice being bad is also a post about restorative justice being good. But if you want to read more specifically about restorative justice, I can recommend some sources!

Three Core Elements of Restorative Justice - Actually this whole website is a good read if you want a quick primer on what restorative justice can look like (one of the ways it can look; there are many!)

Accountability in Restorative Justice - This isn't a riveting read, necessarily, but its purpose was to address those who are concerned that a restorative process cannot truly offer justice. It's a review of the author's fieldwork on that topic, exploring several cases of restorative justice and their outcomes.

The Big Book of Restorative Justice - This is basically an omnibus of four major works on restorative justice.

Until We Reckon: Violence, Mass Incarceration, and the Road to Repair - This book delves specifically into the relationship between violent crime and mass incarceration in the U.S. and how restorative justice can provide a better path to addressing those problems. It's a good starting point for understanding why restorative justice is so important, why punitive justice isn't working, and how to talk to people who may not be fully on board about prison abolition.

I'd also recommend reading up on the prison system in Norway, and how restorative justice has given them one of the lowest crime and recidivism rates in the world!

Finally, for a more micro, personal view on restorative justice, I highly recommend looking into responsive parenting. I strongly believe that a more just world starts from birth for every child. Parents taking a responsive, restorative approach to parenting rather than a punitive one leads to more compassionate, emotionally intelligent humans who are less likely to do intentional harm, and more likely to take accountability for and initiate attempts to repair unintentional harm.

My favorite book on this topic is Momma Cusses by Gwenna Laithland, mom of three. She also does a podcast with fellow responsive parent Tori Phantom called Childproof, where they delve into various topics related to responsive parenting, especially how they handle it when it gets hard.

Responding to Squabbling Siblings: We’re All on the Same Side

One of the more difficult situations for parents is when one child hurts the other. It can often feel like you have to choose sides. Society has led us to believe if you give any attention to the offender you will only be reinforcing that violent behaviour is acceptable. This view only starts looking at the situation from the point following the aggressive act. In order to find the most effective…

Responding to a Public Meltdown With Empathy and Compassion: The Grocery Store Part IV

Coping with an meltdown in public is one of the more difficult parenting challenges. You and your child are filled with all the same emotions that a typical outburst would bring, but now add to it embarrassment, irritability, over stimulation for both parent and child, often panic to stay on schedule, concerns about safety and germ exposure (child lying on the floor of the bathroom, refusing to…

Responding to an Emotional Outburst with a Toddler

Emotional outbursts can be one of the more difficult parenting challenges. I often write about my experiences with my eldest son, because we have just finished going through the toddler years. Then it happened, well it happens to every parent really; our baby became a toddler. Emotional outbursts are no longer always about the basics; love, food, security, warmth, comfort. Those needs may not…

How do you stop a rain drop from falling? How do you stop a snow flake from melting on your tongue? How do you stop the waves from crashing into your castle? How do you stop the thunder from scarring all the dogs? How do you get the sun to hold onto it’s rays? How do you get the earth to stop spinning around the sun? There are some things we cannot stop, slow down or control. Children are…

my ex and i split up, and my daughter (now freshly 2 years old) and i had to move back in with my parents. the other night, we were laying in bed at bedtime quietly, and her eyes started welling up with tears. when i asked her what was wrong, she shouted “I MISS DADDY” and started sobbing. and you know what? i started crying too.

and as she was crying she looked at me and said “mommy’s sad too?” i said “yes baby, mommy’s sad too. it’s okay to be sad.” and we just hugged each other and cried together. and then…. she stopped. she took a deep breath and let go and started singing old mcdonald had a farm.

i think we underestimate how important it is not just for our children to understand that it’s okay to have emotions, but that we as parents also have emotions to process. by breaking down and crying right next to her, i showed her

1. it was normal and understandable to cry over this situation

2. we don’t have to hide our feelings around people we love

3. letting someone know how we feel and hugging them or sharing space with them can help us feel better

4. when we address our emotions head on, we can start to work through them. big emotions don’t last forever, and when they’re over, we can just move on and not feel ashamed.

We use cooperation and collaboration, not consequences, when we need our child to do something they don’t want to do. Children who are punished in order to get them to obey tend to start giving the same threats with others “if you don’t give me that truck, I’m not inviting you to my birthday party!!” They grow to learn that if someone doesn’t do what they ask, they should threaten them to get…