For many people who have experienced trauma they look toward their gods for help, and pray to them for guidance. I do as well. Because Christianity and sects therof are very common, god and Jesus Christ tend to be the chosen deities. Because of my trauma being religiously related in some aspects, it's very hard, near impossible for me to look to Christian gods because I have always been taught "god does this for a reason" which translated to "you were meant to suffer, this is what God wanted for you" without reason why. This isn't a positive message for me, and doesn't help me heal and grow at all, just makes me feel awful. So I looked for other things. I began to practice witchcraft with the help of an alter who explained to me the balance of energy, in a scientific aspect, how it worked, what it was. Recently I have grown to follow ideals of Buddhism rather closely. The concept and ideals match a frequency closer to mine. The concept that life is suffering, but not always, suffering can be ended, not by death, but by looking inward, into the raw self. Letting go of all that holds you back and moving forward. To me, we are always moving, there is always another place to go, physically, spiritually, mentally, all is a matter of if you want to go and if you let yourself go. I view death as a stage of life, my body will die, my memories might too, but my self will move somewhere else entirely, always, eternally. For me this takes away my fears of death, of the burdens of the world, of the pains I feel. Not entirely though. Because of my disorder I am unnallowed quite yet to completely let go, my memories though forgotten, hold me back. I understand the purpose of that, and I don't mind waiting. But to let go of my fears, I must let go of my past, that of which I don't entirely have. I am afraid of what has happened to me, I am afraid of what might, what wasn't. I am afraid in the moments I remember, and afraid in the ones I don't. This is quite exponentially harder for me. But I know, eventually I will move forward. I don't know if this helped anyone, but this way of thinking helps me a lot, I like to say it's optimistic nihilistism, but I don't think it quite fits. Either way. My trauma will always be a part of me, whether I can help it or not. But I believe that I am a constant force, and I won't stop, with or without it.
