#relationshipeducator

So last week I wrote about 5 common assumptions or misconceptions that many monogamous people have about polyamory. Well turnabout is fair play and there are a lot of stereotypes that get projected onto people that practice monogamy. I’m starting to think we need to create a Mono/Poly Alliance, similar to the GSA (Gay/Straight Alliance). Projection 1) Monogamy is about Ownership Reality: Healthy, conscious monogamous relationships are based on mutual dedication with a focus on one person. That’s all.  Remember in my last blog when I compared intimacy orientations to belief systems? Take a look if you missed it.

Yes, many people in monogamous relationships experience jealousy and possessiveness (guess what so do poly people).  One difference is that poly people actively work on releasing jealousy. I believe monogamous people would benefit from this practice as well!
 Projection 2) One person can’t possibly satisfy all my needs Reality: Why are we looking to others to satisfy our needs at all?  Whether mono or poly we should all be working to be self-sufficient, fully actualized individuals.  Whether or not one person can satisfy your desires on the other hand… well that depends on what you want. Personally, I could be monogamous with my husband and be completely happy AND I love that I have the freedom to be open to what flows into my life.

We are not vessels for love waiting to be filled up. We are conduits for love to move through! Projection 3) You can’t handle poly because you’re insecure/emotionally immature/co-dependent.

 Reality: Sorry to tattle on my Poly peeps, but we do have a habit of playing the “more evolved-than-thou” card.  Does it take confidence, strong boundaries, heightened awareness and emotional maturity to make a Poly relationship work? Certainly!  Same goes for a fully functional, happy monogamous relationship! Projection 4) Don’t be a Cowboy/Cowgirl! Reality: Monogamous people are not plotting to steal one of your partners away with you! Really, they’re not! I promise! This pejorative term is highly judgmental and one I hope poly peeps start to move away from using. Does it happen? Yes, sometimes people want who they want and they will pressure and manipulate their object of desire into the relationship style they want (and it goes in both directions).  That does not mean every time a Poly person explores monogamy that they have been “cowboyed” or “converted”. 

Let people have their own lives! Projection 5) Monogamy doesn’t work, just look at the divorce rate!

Reality: I will say this again: Occasional dysfunction does not correlate innate pathology! 
 Monogamy works for a lot of people! Whether this is due nurture or nature is a whole other debate of course; but the fact it there are thousands of very happy monogamous couples in the world.  There are a lot of draw backs and problems too. That doesn’t mean that everyone should give up on monogamy, there’s just work to be done. And being sex positive, accepting and compassionate people means we accept you as you are whether you prefer to love one or many!