The Good Love Project

(Originally published May 2018 for Masturbation Awareness Month, I thought with so may folks separated from their lovers right now it was a good time to share again) Wow! Time flies when you’re taking your pleasure into your own hands! It’s half-way through Masturbation Awareness Month, how are you feeling? If you’ve been observing the month and taking a more conscious approach to your self-love practice you may find yourself feeling enlivened, more confident, your libido may have increased while your stress levels have lowered.It’s also possible you may be a feeling a wee bit…. selfish.

Hey, it’s ok! When I took a whole month to focus on 30 Days of Medibation I felt a little guilty that I was hooking up with myself on the daily but I wasn’t sharing myself with my partner every day. Now to be fair, our sex did become more frequent during that time, just not every day. If you’ve been getting down with yourself a lot this month and starting to feel a tad greedy I’ve got just the sweet candy pill for you… Mutual Masturbation! Just as it’s important to reframe Solo Sex as its own beautiful, joyous act rather than a substitute for the “real thing”, it’s time to rethink Mutual Masturbation, which often is thought of as something folks do before they become fully sexually active. There are many benefits to playing with a friend and so many ways to make it fun!

Benefits

Foreplay - What better way to heat things up than to give each other a show or demonstrate your favorite toys? Bonus - This is a great way to show your partner ways you enjoy being touched!

Good for when you need to abstain - Back pain? Advanced pregnancy? Maybe one of you is waiting for an infection to clear up? Whatever your reason for abstaining from penetrative or full contact sex, mutual masturbation is a great way to share intimacy and get off together. Safety - Remember, if you are avoiding sexual contact because of an STI be aware of your fluids. Don’t share toys and be sure to wash your hands before touching your partner, or wear gloves.

Long distance relationships - Set the scene over a phone or video chat and let your long distance lover know what’s waiting for them on their next visit.Spice things up - Routines aren’t bad but they can get boring. Playing with yourselves together can open a world of possibilities!

Getting Started

If you and your partner(s) haven’t masturbated together before the first step is to talk about it. Let them know you’d like to share this experience with them and talk together about what turns you both on about the idea. Set the scene with music and a clean and comfy space. A word about lighting, dim lighting is sensual/romantic but be sure there’s enough light to see each other, this is a visual experience after all. You can take turns watching and witnessing each other or you can go together. I definitely recommend having some personal lubricant handy and your favorite toy (or a few). Just as I’ve mentioned in my other piece about self-love, remember to explore beyond your genitals. Touch your whole body, let your partner see you making love to yourself. If you both feel comfortable try sitting close to each other and eye gazing (deep, prolonged eye contact) while you pleasure yourself. Feeling a little self-conscious? Trying watching each other in a mirror instead directly. Upping the ante

There are a number of ways to play together and to even take your partnered explorations to the next level. Talking Dirty - Be your lover’s best cheerleader! Encourage them, guide them, let them know how turned on you are watching them.Watch a movie - This is especially helpful if you’re feeling a little shy. Snuggle up with your buddy (and your toys) and put on your favorite erotic DVD or website. Make it a game - How many times can you get yourself off? Who will get there first? Close your eyes, can you guess which vibrator I’m using? A little competition or levity can make things fun! Afterall, it’s called “playing with yourself” for a reason! Take control - Masturbating in front of someone can be a dominant or submissive act, it’s all about your intention and how you choose to play. Do they need to ask permission to orgasm? Are they not allowed to come until you do? Adding a sense of kink or control can create a wholly new and delicious experience.

Many people in happy partnerships masturbate, yes, even those satisfied with their sex life. Masturbating with your partner can normalize and even celebrate your sexual inter-dependance.  Remember that even if you’re “putting on a show” to not get overwhelmed by feeling that you need to “perform”. Enjoy your body and your lover’s presence and see where your pleasure takes you!

In the early 90s (about age 12) my friends and I loved the film “The Cisco Kid”.  In one of my favorite scenes, Sadie Frost’s french femme fatale character was being held captive by bandits in an abandoned railroad tunnel. She was haughty and indignant, her pink ballgown (basically all frills) is torn and dirty and she’s bound but she holds her chin defiantly high. When the moment is right, she uses her coquettish wiles to seduce the bandit that had been eyeing her the most into loosening her ropes… and then claws and kicks him making her escape. Her sexuality was over-the-top, unapologetic and I loved her for it.

I was 13 years old when my mother took me to the theater to see “The English Patient”. I was a nerdy kid, I was used to seeing artistic, history or foreign films, so I loved it.  The gorgeous desert landscape, the intensity and intrigue. But there was one moment in the film that really seared itself into my brain. The two main characters finally succumb to the heat between them. She was standing, hesitating in the doorway as they hold each other’s gaze and when he approaches her the entire movie theater seemed to exploded from the sound of her slapping him across the face before the they fell into this animalistic, almost violent embraces of kisses and torn clothing. My body responded… quite viscerally. I’d never seen anything like it and I was fascinated.

The first time I saw what might be considered erotic art was also around this time. I was exploring in the college library (my mom used to take me with her sometimes) and found a coffee table book of photography. A black and white picture of a nude woman in a collar, on all fours drinking milk from a bowl. I didn’t understand it but I found the beauty of the image to be as calming as looking at a sunset. 


While D/s is a kink in and of itself, it’s definitely not the only one and most folks like to bring other aspects of BDSM into their D/s dynamic. If you’re new to all of this, it might seem daunting to figure out what kinds of play or roles you’re into. You can check out my Yes/Maybe/No list of BDSM activities or test the kink out of yourself at https://bdsmtest.org/select-mode

What if you’re still feeling a bit  vague on what your fantasies are? I want to encourage you to dig a bit deeper. This can take some time and it requires self knowledge. The first question to ask yourself is: What do I respond to? This is more than just what gets you hard or wet. What scenes and scenarios really capture your senses, draw you in, maybe even make you a bit nervous while also driving your desire? What touches you emotionally as well as physically? What do you find potent? 
 Adult Entertainment Media A lot of us discover our kinks through pornographic movies and reading erotica.  One of my early Dominant partners was very Old Guard and insisted I read, ”The Story of O”. There was plenty that I definitely responded to, but there as also a lot that I thought was best left on the page. It’s important to keep in mind that what you see in porn is made for fantasy and generally should not be considered a “how to” model for BDSM. That being said, sexy entertainment can be a be a good start to finding what gets your motor running.

Non-Erotic Media


As an adult, I look back at certain moments from my youth like the ones mentioned in my intro. I found them in books, movies, TV, even music I’ve listened to and I started to recognize moments where little kink seeds may have been sewn or something already in me was awakened.  These beautiful, powerful women that owned their sexuality and could over-power the men around them, but also the gentle strength of submission.  Fantasies can come from anywhere. You may find your kink or an idea for your next scene in the phrases of a poem.

Childhood Games As kids we’re (hopefully) encouraged to play and use our imaginations, but once we become adults we’re expected to put our imaginations towards our work. Adults need play too and one great thing about adult play is that it can get very adult indeed. What kind of games did you enjoy in youth? Were you a princess or a brave adventurer? Did you like dress up? I always loved being a kitty cat; stretching, meowing, even putting my bowl of ice cream  on the floor and lapping it up. As an adult I still play the feral kitten, what roles might you rediscover?

Facing Your Fears Deep in the shadowy parts of your mind lurk painful memories and difficult feelings. These may be anticipated fears or past traumas.  Some kinks, when played out with an experienced partner and lots of communication and trust, can give us the space to explore these more challenging parts of ourselves. We can reclaim something taken, flip the script on an old bully or finally find the catharsis to let go of the past. Tread slowly and lightly here, the terrain can get rough but the rewards can be well worth it.

What Do You need? I stretch myself all day, every day in my non-kink life. I have to kids, I write and make art, I coach people, I take care of my friends and chosen family, I produce shows. I’m running on 12 cylinders until I drop in bed most nights. Sometimes I need to feel small, and cherished and cared for; that’s when Kitty comes out to play.  Other days I feel powerful and I want to take that power and run; and so my Dominant side comes out.  Think about the things you find yourself responding to. What are the feelings and emotions behind it? What is your subconscious asking for?

Be As Greedy As You Like

We’d finally sleep trained the baby to go to sleep in his own room. The bed was ours again and we were so excited to reclaim the space! Finally we could pull out the box of tricks that had been hidden under the bed for the last six months. Soon, I was all tied up and ready for my partner to do all kinds of filthy things to me when… the baby started crying in the other room. 



My body immediately responded to the cry by shooting breastmilk all over the place. My partner, meanwhile, was torn between going immediately to check the baby and not leaving me tied up unattended. He quickly fumbled to untie me (because in our foggy parent brains we forgot about safety scissors) as the baby continued to wail and my breast continued their creamy deluge. 



As soon as I was free, I ran to the baby’s room and cuddled and nursed him. He was soon asleep and I put him back to bed. Coming back to the bedroom, I found my partner sitting in a tangle of rope and soaked with milk. It was then we decided that rope play was out until the baby was definitely sleeping through the night, or we had a hotel room and a sitter a home.

When I was first introduced to the BDSM community it was through a collection of artists, professional kinksters, and 24/7 fantasy lifestylers. No one was dealing with babies and running small humans to after-school activities. Their whole lives were kink. The majority of my friends and partners in my local scene now are child-free.  Then, here I am, raising two kids while juggling life as a kink performer and educator. Sometimes even I forget that there are folks in the kinky world who are also parents. It’s really easy to feel isolated in parenthood.



It’s also sometimes hard to imagine being kinky when you’re a parent.  For the last three years, I’ve had a tiny human that is with me at almost all times. She’s forever climbing me, pulling on me, and touching me. At the end of the day, sometimes I am just fully touched out and the idea of trying to rally any energy for just a vanilla quickie let alone a whole kink scene sounds insurmountable. Yet, for some of us, kink isn’t just what we do, it’s who we are and with the absolute joys and wonders of raising tiny humans also comes the fear of losing who you are.

After the birth of my first baby, I shut down quite a bit sexually. Part of that was also due to the unhealthy nature of the relationship I was in with my ex, but when hubs and I decided we were ready to try for baby number 2 I was determined to keep my motor running and my inner flame burning. Are there times I’m too wiped to play? Definitely.  But we do what we can and we take things as they come. Just as with any life change that may demand more of your time and energy, you can still keep the kink flowing with some strategy and a shift in perspective.


You may need to modify your kink. This seems like a no brainer, but let’s unpack it. This may mean you play less often and/or you may need to do more planning ahead to be able to play. Getting a sitter, sending the kids for a grandma visit, or getting a hotel room might be the key to getting some space for your selves where you can really let go and get into your kink. It may also mean being aware of visible marks, shifting how you play to accommodate a pregnant belly or leaky breasts (if you or your partner is nursing) or just sore shoulders from picking up a toddler multiple times a day.



(Yes, you can still engage in Kink and BDSM while pregnant. I’m not getting into here because that is a whole other article but I promise will write about it)

You may need to modify your parenting. The number one advice I give to couples on how to keep your sex life going after becoming parents is: lock your bedroom door. For the most part, I’m pretty big on the theory of attachment parenting. I co-sleep, I breastfed for more than a year, my kids know that if they need me I am there. They also know that, sometimes, people need privacy. Grown ups and kids. I model respect for their space and expect them to do the same. Does my 3 year old get up set when she wakes up in the morning to find my bedroom door locked? Sure, but she knows to knock and wait.

Playing with subtlety Obviously, you’re not going to call your partner “Master” or “Mistress” at family dinner, but you there are a myriad of ways to acknowledge your D/s in a subtle fashion. Whether it’s using more innocuous sounding pet names (sir and ma’am are always assumed to be kinky) or making eye contact when you serve your Dom/me at breakfast. Maybe your collar is a discrete bracelet.

Hiding your toys Whether they are snooping to be snoops or just looking to borrow a pair of socks, unless you’re strategic about it, your kids are going to find your toys. A tool box with a combination lock is an easy way to keep things out of small hands. Under the bed restraints can be easily hidden and make bondage play a bit more convenient. I set up mine when I realized half there reason I wasn’t doing kink as much was because I didn’t have the patience for the set up.



I’ve talked about rules and limits, the boundaries you set for what not to do. Today, let’s talk about Tasks and Rituals. Many D/s relationships employ tasks as another point of power exchange, for service and/or to build and enhance the dynamic and the connection between partners. Rituals can help you to find your center in your role when vanilla life starts to weigh on you. Such protocols can help to strengthen the feelings of Dominance or submission.



The types of tasks or rituals you take on will depend on your personal needs, preferences and abilities as well as the type of D/s dynamic you have with your partner. A CGL (Caregiver/little) dynamic may have rituals around the Dom/me tucking their sub into bed at night or tasks that guide the submissive in life goal setting.  Tasks built around Domestic service are likely to be seen in 1950s Household dynamics or Master/slave partnerships. This is just to name a few.

Rituals

My husband and I, have a ritual that when he gets home from work I bring him a glass of water and we both drink from it and take a few moments to look into each other’s eyes and breath together. It only takes about a minute, but we carve out that moment for us to connect in the midst of chaos of work, home and kids. We also do this if one of us (usually me) is showing signs of stress and getting frazzled.

Rituals can be used for greetings and partings, beginning or ending a scene, coming together after a disagreement or reaffirming your connection.

A few common D/s rituals: the sub removing their Dominant’s boots, making and serving morning coffee, turning down the bed at night, kneeling at the door when Dom/me leaves for day/gets home, shared meditation time.

Tasks

In my first D/s experience my tasks were largely domestic. I made my Master and Mistress coffee in the morning, served guests, washed their cars and other forms of housework. The point of these tasks was to make my Doms’ lives easier. In another dynamic my tasks were focused on meeting sexual goals.  This included such things as wearing a butt plug for an amount of time every day and deep throat training so my body was prepared for all kinds of sexual service.

In some dynamics tasks can fall under “Productivity Domming”. A submissive might have a “To Do” list of either kink tasks or even vanilla work items and checks in with their Dominant as their tasks get done. Care Topping or Life Management may include task lists that cover such things as exercise routines, recommended reading, self care activities, financial advice or personal growth journaling

Managing Tasks

There are a number of ways to manage tasks. I type out a daily To Do list on my phone’s memo app and send a screenshot to one of my Caregivers (I have two, and I also have a kitty that I Care for). As I finish my tasks I mark them done with a check emoji and at the end of the day I send a second screenshot to my CG. Sometimes I’ll send a progress repost midday and he will either send an encouraging text, offer help or suggest a re-evaluation of my workload.

It was a warm, sunny morning. I woke up with a big stretch and a long yawn, a groggy kitty in their collar.  I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes and headed to the kitchen, still nude. Sleeping nude was required in this house, so no one was going to flutter an eyelash at me. Not that anyone else was up and about yet.

There was something remarkably meditative about making a cup of coffee; the quiet routine of it, starting the day with the most simple of service rituals. I’d always prided myself on ability to quickly learn and remember exactly how my lovers took their coffee. I also took pleasure bringing it to them and watching them inhale the steam and enjoy the first sip.  In my role as an owned and collared 24/7 submissive, this ritual took on a whole new depth.

Cirrus clouds of cream swirled inside the steaming mug. Sugar shushed itself from the spoon to the cup in a whisper of tiny grains across metal. I would always try to make no sounds as I stirred. A silent stir was a sign of a still hand and a calm mind. With the cup balanced on the palm of my right hand, my left palm underneath it, I walk back through the house. My Mistress had awoken and was waiting in the living room. I slowly bend my knees until they touch the floor and then walked on them until I was just behind Her right arm.  To make my offering, I lowered myself further by pushing my hips back to my heels, lowering my head and reach out my arms. I would hold this position until She finally picked up the cup.  

That morning, after She took the cup from my hand, She pat me on the head. A shiver ran down my spine and smile quietly grew on my face.

Often when we think of D/s, folks tend to think of a 24/7 fantasy lifestyle. In erotica, submissives cater to their Dom/mes ever whim like mind-readers and Dominants never have morning breath. In real life, 24/7 can and does work for some people. It takes a lot of communicaiton, trust and responsibility but also it takes a whole heap of commitment. 

Not everyone wants to or has the time, space, or energy to facilitate a 24/7 dynamic. 

There are many types of Dominance and submission relationships and scenarios, let’s look at a few options:

Online

Nowadays, everything is available on the internet.  You may choose Dominant or submit to someone online if you are in long distance relationship, you are just beginning and prefer to explore online first, you meet someone on a site and happen to click.  There are plenty of reasons to have an online dynamic and online D/s can be play scenes (kinky cyber-sex) only or 24/7 with rules and tasks and whatever else you’d like to fit into your internet protocols.


Bedroom Only

In the physical world, most folks start here. Bedroom D/s is generally more sexuality focused than 24/7. It may have started as sexy game or role play that you both find you strongly identify with. Some may prefer to think of this as Top and bottom roles rather than Dominant and Submissive, but for many who identify as Bedroom (or dungeon or club) only, at least some aspect of the dynamic slips out into every day life here and there.

24/7

Sometimes, relationships end. Good relationships end, bad relationships end. Whether you call it a break up, one of you got dumped, a mutual parting, uncoupling or a transition, its a loss and there’s almost always some emotional fall out. There can be fear that you’re not going to find another person that will be into D/s dynamics. Buried beliefs about being unworthy or unlovable may make themselves felt. You may worry that you’re somehow a failure as a Dom/me or submissive.



You may feel sad, angry, confused, fearful. All your feelings are valid. That being said, the stories that you are telling yourself about yourself are likely untrue. You are worthy, you are lovable and no one is perfect, so you don’t need to beat yourself. Take the time you need to process your grief.

The main thing I want to talk about are some common things folks will say to you during a break up that will not help you process your loss.

Coping with loss:

“Don’t be sad” - It’s meant well, your friend truly do not want to you to be sad. But if you are sad then you are and putting on a happy face is not going to help you move on. Grief often makes people uncomfortable because we don’t know how to fix it. There is no “fixing” grief, we can only move through it.


“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” - Many of us are taught not to grieve a loss but instead to focus on replacement. Don’t feel pressured to “get back on the horse” right away. A rebound may distract you from your difficult feelings but it won’t help you process them. Especially after the intense emotional and psychological enmeshment of 24/7 Dominance and Submission, you need time to find your center before making a new connection.

“Well, obviously, D/s or kink relationships don’t work” - This one is exceptionally hurtful. You may hear this from a vanilla friend or family member that has not had an exposure or education about alternative relationship dynamics. Sadly, the assumption is often made that if an alternative relationship ends, it is because of the alternative dynamic (people say similar things to Polyamorous folks, my parents got it for being an interracial couple in the 90s). It’s simply not true. All relationships have the potential to end for any number of reasons.