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I know I am not supposed to be your whole world. I know healthy love leaves room for other things, other people, entire lives outside of each other. I understand all of that.
So maybe what hurts is not that you do not need to talk to me all the time. Maybe it is that I wish you wanted to. Not out of obligation, not because you have to, but because somewhere in the middle of your day, you miss me the way I miss you.
I love when you listen. Not just hear me, but actually listen. When I tell you something that hurts, or something I need, and instead of defending yourself, you carry it with you. Maybe you do not change overnight. Maybe you do not get it right every time. But you try.
And I think that is all I have ever wanted. Not perfection, not immediate change, just the comfort of knowing my words do not disappear the moment I say them. That they matter enough for you to make an effort. That I matter enough for you to make an effort.
We love each other so much that sometimes it terrifies me.
Because now there is finally something in my life that would truly destroy me if I lost it. And I think that is the cruel part about love nobody talks about. The deeper it gets, the more your heart realizes it has something to lose. So even in the happiest moments, fear quietly sits beside the love, asking, āwhat if one day this is no longer mine?ā
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He liked this video on Instagram so it showed up on my feed. I watched it. Lots of thoughts below.
Iāmā¦ I donāt think he has any awareness of the way that he treats me. The yelling, the snapping, the disrespectful comments, even when heās not upset with me, directly. But when I point out that he is being aggressive with me, treating me unkindly, and ask him not to talk to me that way, he says heās allowed to be mad in anger-provoking situations. I say yes itās okay to be mad/sad/upset/frustrated, but itās not okay to take it out on me. Then he says Iām just being too sensitive. The situation is not about me/itās not me he is upset with, so I shouldnāt be upset that heās yelling at me. Or I should just support him through it (manage his emotions for him?). I donāt think itās fair, though, for that to be my jobā¦ or for me to have to tolerate thatā¦.
Then when we talk about how I donāt trust him, I donāt feel safe with him, because he is so emotionally volatile in my eyesā¦ in one situation he responds with an unexpected level head, and in another similar situation he responds by screaming, yelling, snapping (even in situations when I am trying to help him, like a week or so ago he asks for help packing for a trip then yells at me for the way I have packed something, because he waited until the last possible moment to get ready and is stressed about his flight)ā¦ when I talk to him about these things and how they hurt me and have hurt my relationship with him, he says I am the only one who feels that way about him. Everyone else in his life says he is a good, kind individual. Everyone else says he is caring, a supportive friend.
But nobody else lives with him or sees him regularly the way I do. Nobody else is exposed to his thoughts and feelings and reactions this regularly. Nobody else knows him in the same way I do. Iāve made that point to him and he dismissed it. His coworkers like him, he says. His friends like him. Except for when one of his coworkers accidentally loses a deal for him and he screams at her and causes a scene because he canāt regulate his emotionsā¦ or the time he flipped about something on a trip with my family and they all still talk to this day about how he did not handle the situation well. and oh yeah, he has an ex wife that refuses to have any contact with him at allā¦. He had a brother who refused to speak to him for 5 yearsā¦. When I brought up those instances once, just to try not to get dismissed, he said his reactions were justified. Or those people were the volatile ones.
I donāt know. There is some validity in that others have also done things that hurt him. But he deflects blame/his role in those situations entirely. He doesnāt see himself accurately, and whenever I reflect anything back to him that I have observed, he gets defensive and canāt hear it. He canāt tolerate feedback.
Tangentiallyā¦. He came home the other day and said āwe are going to fix our relationshipā and started trying to āfixā things by just trying to force sex. To which I said no, this is not what fixes the relationship for me, this is what fixes the relationship for you and is a priority for youā¦. I still feel disconnected because I donāt feel like my needs are respectedā¦ Of course that didnāt go over wellā¦ he made some comment about how sex is what fixes things for him and so we should do that. I stood my ground and said I still need to see respect for me and my feelings. He said something like āI said I would do thatā and I was like, respectfullyā¦ itās easy to say something. Youāve said you would do that before, but Iāve never actually seen you do it. Every time I express how I feel to you, you tell me that you take no responsibility for my emotions, how I feel is on me, youāre not going to apologize or validate how I feel bc you donāt agree with how I feel. And then he literally does what he always does at that point in similar conversations and gets angry at me and is like well I WILL NOT validate you being upset about something ridiculous, your feelings are not valid (literallyā¦ proving my point that he cannot do this thing that he says he will do). But I respond with what I always say, which is āI donāt understand why it feels like a concession to say āIām sorry youāre feeling hurt by xzyā or āI didnāt mean to hurt your feelings, letās talk about itāā¦ or āhelp me understand why ___ā ā which also was not productive.
ALSO I keep thinking about all the other things that have happened that were Not Cool in this relationship. Like, when I was applying for internships for my grad program. He tried to control where I applied and didnāt want me even looking at places out of the state. I didnāt listen and applied where I wanted but it was such a point of contention that I ranked a site I did NOT like in first pace to try to appease him and stay close. Anyways, as the Match Gods would have it, I ended up matching at a site out of state in round 1. And he absolutely made it my problem. And was not happy for me at all. I did not get to celebrate my match day at ALL which was suchhh a bummer because I had worked so hard and this was like finally step in my doc program to go off on internship and some people donāt even match at all let alone in round one and I didnāt get to be proud of my hard work for even a single second that dayā¦
Anyways there is no real point to this stream of consciousness other than externalizing my thoughts, since I had such a strong reaction to seeing that video and feeling validated and yet so sad at the same time. I do know that this relationship is hurting me and not serving me but itās hard feeling physically āstuckā for the time being and sort of having to wait things out for another few monthsā¦ though i do wonder if I should just bite the bullet and spend the money to get out of here sooner and find a temporary situation until I can finish postdoc/move back homeā¦
Also it SUCKS being 30 and being in this situation. Iāve never wanted a traditional white picket fence lifestyle but Iāve always romanticized the idea of love and blah blah, thinking there is someone out there who aligns with me so neatly and we both love and care for each other so muchā¦ like my parents hadā¦. I remember wanting that as a kid and thinking how hard it was then to not have it, but just telling myself I had to be patient and I would find someone when I was older, I was just too young. Now, being thirty, itās starting to feel a bit existential crisis-y and like I am running out of timeā¦ I know thatās not exactly true and thatās NO reason to stay with someone and as my mom used to tell me, āitās better to be alone than in bad company,ā but objectively, if I were to find a beautiful love story some day and maybe decide I wanted to have kids with that person, there is the possibility that the bio family window may have already closed. I have SUCH complex feelings about reproducing and have not wanted it yet but now that Iām getting older, I worry about changing my mind after itās already too late
There are things I look back on in the past and wish I had done differently or been more willing to take a risk on and itās sO HARD not knowing if the bio kid thing could be one of them? Idk though, I think that is the most significant, life-altering decision a person could make and I will probably always feel ambivalent about it but it kinda sucks that it is a time-limited one
Getting back in track here at least I know that this man is not the kind of man I would want to raise my hypothetical kids, bio or otherwise. It is unfortunate that that is how things ended up going, I was initially very hopeful and optimistic about this relationship, but itās ok. We keep moving forward
