I struggle with that.

They're different object pronouns

Object pronouns are used when you're using pronouns - "I", "you", "he", "she" etc. - but you're using them as objects instead, meaning they're recipients of actions

In English this is like when "I" turns to "me", "he" to "him", "she" to "her", "we" to "us"

Primarily there are two sets of object pronouns you need to watch out for - direct objects and indirect objects

The se most often comes up with reflexives so I will also explain them, but you're mostly mentioning direct and indirect objects there

That’s totally relevant! I’m interested in how singular they is written/used by large organisations with rigorous proofreading standards. :) Thanks!

Short Answer: It means "it's hard for me" or more literally "it makes itself difficult for me"

In this case it's synonymous with me cuesta "it is difficult for me" or es difícil para mí or me es difícil ... lots of expressions. The se me hace difícil sounds like very passive like "this thing just happens and I'm not good at it"

There are lots of options, me cuesta or me es difícil are more everyday

Note: costar is generally "to cost", but used with indirect objects it's "to be difficult", which is similar like me ha costado mucho "it cost me dearly / it cost me a lot" / "it was difficult for me", the logic makes sense

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Longer Grammatically Teaching Answer Ahead:

The se + indirect object + verb expressions are an expression of passivity; something "becomes (something)" and it "affects (someone)"

If you're not super advanced, bear with me because I'll be addressing some larger concepts but it's normal for you not to know or to be confused because it's not really taught

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First, let me just briefly say se has many uses outside of just reflexives

In the case of passivity it's used when "something is done" but there's no direct subject stated

As an example:

Alguien pintó la casa. = Someone painted the house. [active] Pintaron la casa. = They painted the house. [active, vague] La casa fue pintada (por alguien). = The house was painted by someone. [passive] Se pintó la casa. = The house was painted. [passive, se expression]

Note: With all passive expressions be aware of the number of things (and gender in some cases).

As an example: la casa fue pintada and las casas fueron pintadas

With the se expressions, se pintó la casa and se pintaron las casas

Passive voice uses the object [the house(s)] as the subject, so the verbs agree with them

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Those particular expressions [se + indirect object + verb] are very common in Spanish, and they often fall under either "ethical dative" or "superfluous dative"...

I've also seen it called dativo de interés which is "dative of interest"

In linguistic terms, the indirect objects [me, te, le, les, nos, os] are known as "dative", or the dative case if you're studying things like Latin or German or Russian

They are "to whom" or "for whom" something is done

In Spanish with this superfluous dative or dative of interest, it means that the expression is really passive which is where you get the se (since se is often used in passive voice constructions)

...And you tend to add the indirect object (dative) to show who this expression is impacting

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Probably your very first introduction to these is with olvidarse "to forget/to slip one's mind"... where se me olvidaron las llaves "I forgot about my keys" is really really common

olvidar as "to forget" is sometimes understood to be too purposeful, so you often say olvidarse (de hacer algo) which comes out as "to forget" or "to slip one's mind"

The superfluous dative expression olvidársele is understood as "for something to completely slip one's mind": se me olvidó la contraseña "I cannot remember my password" / "the password slipped my mind"... or se me olvidaron las llaves "I forgot my keys"

It comes out as both extremely passive - because someone doesn't "forget" something on purpose (usually), and also shows who is now impacted by it

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Here's the way I usually explain it because it's confusing:

Rompí el coche/carro/auto. = I broke the car. [purposeful, I am to blame] Se rompió el coche/carro/auto. = The car broke down. [on its own; passive, literally "the car broke itself"; "I" had nothing to do with it] Se me rompió el coche/carro/auto. = "The car up and died on me" [the car broke down and it now impacts me; the se rompió implies it happened on its own and "I" had nothing to do with it; the me implies that I am the one negatively impacted by it... it is "of interest" to me]

Another really common example I use:

se me durmieron las piernas "my legs fell asleep"

dormirse is "to fall asleep" and just like in English can be "to go numb" with body parts

The addition of the me implies not only was it "my" legs but also "they went numb on me" implying it was unexpected, unwanted, or a surprise

I've also seen se me durmieron used with people... like a teacher might say se me durmieron los estudiantes which is like "my students were falling asleep on me" as in "my lesson was so boring I was putting them to sleep"

...

And another extremely common example:

se nos acabó el tiempo "our time was up" or "time ran out on us"

acabar is "to finish" or "to end", acabarse is often "to run out" or "to get used up"

You could simply say se acabó el tiempo "the time ran out"... however, se nos acabó el tiempo implies more direct "interest" for the people who ran out of time and face whatever consequences

...

So in short: passive expression with se, addition of indirect object to show who was most affected by it

It's a fairly advanced concept because:

it requires you to know se with passive expressions

it requires you to know indirect objects

it's an extremely common thing among native speakers

no one teaches it to you, you just kind of figure it out

It depends on the context and the way things are conjugated, but you’re not totally wrong. The problem is that se is used for 3 different things.

1. Reflexives

2. Impersonal “one does”

3. Passive

And 2 and 3 look really similar, though the difference is in translation. I’ll attach some links where I talk more about them. The one you most want to be aware of is reflexives because they might use se but they do not mean “one does” in that sense.

The reflexives tag has more info on all things reflexive

http://spanishskulduggery.tumblr.com/post/121230832287/b0ldlygo-said-when-should-you-use-se-impersonal

http://spanishskulduggery.tumblr.com/post/142314898822/hi-would-you-be-able-to-explain-the-use-of-se-in

What you’re describing are different things. This might be a bit long but I’ll go over pretty much eeeeeeverything concerning objects and pronouns and reflexives. It’s a matter of what you need for a given circumstance.

[Also not going into this but just for reference tu/tus is “your” as a possessive with no accent mark; similar to how mi/mis is “my”. Possessives are technically adjectives not pronouns or objects, but if you want I can discuss those later]

First let’s discuss pronouns. Pronouns are subjects and can exist by themselves and have verbs that conjugate according to them.

yo = I

tú = you (informal)

él = he

ella = she

usted = you (formal)

ellos / ellas = they 

ustedes = you all [default for Latin America; for Spain ustedes is “you all (formal)”]

nosotros / nosotras = we

vosotros / vosotras = you all [informal; Spain]

Objects themselves aren’t really allowed to exist on their own. They need a subject and a verb in a complete sentence (usually; or at least implied) to exist.

The use of mí and ti are part of what’s known as “prepositional object pronouns”, meaning that they show up in the presence of a preposition.

These prepositions are almost always one of the following*… a, de, en, entre, hacia, por, and para

yo => mí

tú => ti 

él

ella

usted

ellos / ellas

ustedes

nosotros / nosotras

vosotros / vosotras

This means that you’ll see something like a mí “to me”, a ti “to you”, or para mí “in my opinion / as for me”… but you’ll see a ella or por ella or entre ellos or something like that. It’s only the yo and tú that change here

*There’s also con but that’s another special case:

yo => mí + con => conmigo

tú => ti + con => contigo

Saying ven conmigo is “come with me” or cuento contigo “I’m counting on you”. This exists because Latin, where there was repetition: cum mecum or “with me with”… which turned into conmigo, and cum tecum to contigo

The other little exception is usually a sí which stands for “himself” or “herself” or “itself” in special cases.

Chances are you will only see it used as sí mismo/a which is “himself/herself/itself”

Quiere valerse por sí mismo. = He wants to make it on his own.

Quiere valerse por sí misma. = She wants to make it on her own.

This is a rarer grammatical thing but it’s related to se which is more 3rd person. It doesn’t often exist by itself except if you see something like entre sí “amongst themselves” or en sí “in and of itself”

It also exists with consigo “with itself” which comes from cum secum in Latin; this is almost always an impersonal thing or object not a human being, like lo que trae consigo “what it brings with it”

With con you normally see con ella, con ellos, con nosotros and so on.

Now we move to the regular object pronouns which are direct and indirect object pronouns. With the exception of 3rd person, they look identical.

Direct objects are the recipients of an action. If you “kick a ball”, the “ball” is what receives that action. It’s what is acted upon “directly”. For those familiar with case systems, direct objects are “accusative case”.

yo => me

tú => te

él => lo

ella => la

usted => lo / la [depending on gender of the “you”]

ellos => los

ellas => las

ustedes => los / las [depending on gender fo the “you all”]

nosotros / nosotras => nos

vosotros / vosotras => os

It’s only 3rd person that’s more dependent on gender. And the usted/ustedes thing makes more sense in context*

Whether you’re saying lo compro “I buy it” or la compro “I buy it” depends on the gender of the “it” in other words.

Because me, te, nos, os don’t change it’s not totally necessary to point out things like me pegas “you’re hitting me” is a direct object use, while me dices “you’re telling me” is indirect object use. 

There is a difference between indirect and direct, but me, te, nos, os never changes so whether it’s “me” or “to/for me” isn’t totally necessary to break down and understand, if that makes sense.

Indirect objects are “to whom” or “for whom” something is done. An action is done to something for the sake of something/someone else and that “something/someone else” is the indirect object.

For those familiar with case systems, indirect objects are “dative case”.

So if you “buy flowers for her”, the “flowers” are the direct object while “for her” indicates the indirect object. And again, with the exception of 3rd person, they look identical to direct objects.

yo => me

tú => te

él - ella - usted => le

ellos - ellas - ustedes => les

nosotros / nosotras => nos

vosotros / vosotras => os

This in English would be the difference between “I” and “me”, “he” and “him”, “she” and “her”, or “we” and “us”. In older English you’d also have to contend with “thou” and “thee” or “you” and “ye”

Here there’s no gender agreement to worry about, only singularity and plurality. Your first introduction to indirect objects is done with gustar and verbs like that.

Saying me gusta is not truly “I like it”, but rather it’s “it is pleasing TO ME”… and if the thing is plural it’s me gustan “I like them” or “they are pleasing TO ME”

(a mí) me gusta = I (specifically) like it

(a ti) te gusta = you (specifically) like it

(a él/ella/usted) le gusta = he/she/You (specifically) like it

(a ellos/ellas/ustedes) les gusta = they/You all (specifically) like it

(a nosotros) nos gusta = we (specifically) like it

(a vosotros) os gusta = you all (specifically) like it

For the most part indirect and direct objects work very well together with no real conflict. You go ID; indirect + direct, with indirect always first.

Me compran flores. = They buy flowers for me.Me las compran. = They buy them for me.

The direct object takes the place of the noun; so las here is because las flores is both feminine and plural. You could also say me la compro if it were just one flower.

The only time it gets messy is when 3rd person and 3rd person meet.

The use of le/les + lo/la/los/las turns the indirect object to se; this is for the sake of pronunciation so you don’t have to deal with les lo or confuse it with lelo/a “silly”

Le doy el libro. = I’m giving him/her the book.Se lo doy. = I’m giving it to him/her.

Le doy la llave. = I’m giving him/her the key.Se la doy. = I’m giving it to him/her.

Les doy el libro. = I’m giving them the book.Se lo doy. = I’m giving it to them.

Les doy la llave. = I’m giving them the key.Se la doy. = I’m giving them the key.

Because the se could be for le or les you sometimes might want to be more specific to make sure people understand you:

Se lo doy a él. = I’m giving it to him.Se lo doy a ella. = I’m giving it to her.Se lo doy a usted. = I’m giving it to you.Se lo doy a ellos. = I’m giving it to them.Se lo doy a ellas. = I’m giving it to them.Se lo doy a ustedes. = I’m giving it to you (all).

You can be that specific with the other object pronouns but you don’t have to. Using that kind of emphasis is very specific and can be used in different situations such as explaining yourself thoroughly, or for the purposes of saying “and not you”

Me lo dijo a mí, no a ti. = He/she said it to me, not you.

*Note: You go into another linguistic gray area with the use of indirect objects or direct objects when people are the objects. For the most part, direct objects are more common in Latin America, and indirect objects more common in Spain but that’s not ALWAYS the case.

For example, you’re trying to say “it’s a pleasure to meet you” to an usted or ustedes:

Es un placer conocerlo. = It’s a pleasure to meet you (m).Es un placer conocerlos. = It’s a pleasure to meet you all (m+m, m+f).Es un placer conocerla. = It’s a pleasure to meet you (f).Es un placer conocerlas. = It’s a pleasure to meet you (f+f).

Es un placer conocerle. = It’s a pleasure to meet you (m/f).Es un placer conocerles. = It’s a pleasure to meet you all (m+m/f+f/m+f).

They’re both correct though regionally preferred. Latin America will usually opt for the lo/la/los/las while Spain tends to go for the le/les here.

But in Latin America using the le/les is even MORE polite because it’s not how you would normally respond and it sounds a little old-fashioned and formal.

Like I said, both correct but regionally preferred.

Now we go to reflexives which exist under the umbrella term of “pronomials”… which basically means “uses a reflexive pronoun”.

For the purposes of not getting into a huge linguistic debate, there are 3 occasions you use the reflexive pronouns and we’re only talking about 2 for right now because they make the most sense.

The pronouns are:

yo => me

tú => te

él - ella - usted => se

ellos - ellas - ustedes => se

nosotros / nosotras => nos

vosotros / vosotras => os

All of 3rd person is se whether it’s plural or singular is dependent upon context.

There are true reflexives where the subject and object are the same; meaning the subject does something to himself or herself or itself.

Me lavo las manos. = I’m washing my hands. [lit. “I wash myself the hands”]

Te duermes. = You’re falling asleep.

Él se levanta. = He stands up.

Ella se sienta. = She sits down.

Ellos se ponen nerviosos. = They’re getting nervous.

Nos vamos. = We’re going.

Os despertáis. = You’re waking up. / You get up.

Translator Note: Whether it’s me despierto a las seis “I wake up at 6″ or me despierto “I am waking up” used as infinitive or -ing is dependent on context; both are correct for present tense; in other words se levanta could be “he stands up” or “he is standing up”

The other one is a “reciprocal reflexive” which is mostly the same, but it deals with two or more subjects doing something to themselves. This only exists for plural, so it’s 3rd person plural, nosotros, or vosotros

Se conocen. = They know each other.Se conocían. = They knew each other. / They used to know each other.Se conocieron. = They met each other.

It works exactly the same except sometimes the wording can be ambiguous or confusing in some circumstances.

You also do sometimes see reflexives used with direct objects though these are typically with a verb that indicates ownership (usually body parts) or with a special verb like comer(se).

Me cepillo el cabello. = I brush my hair.Me lo cepillo. = I brush it.

Te cepillas los dientes. = You brush your teeth.Te los cepillas. = You brush them.

Ella se pinta la cara. = She paints her face.Se la pinta. = She paints it.

Él se afeita la barbilla. = He shaves his chin.Se la afeita. = He shaves it.

Se lavan las manos. = They’re washing their hands.Se las lavan. = They’re washing them.

Nos comemos el pastel. = We’re eating cake.Nos lo comemos. = We’re eating it.

In a sentence like me lo cepillo “I’m brushing it”, the el cabello is still implied to be part of your own body, thus the me is used, even when shortened as a direct object aka “what is being brushed”. 

This is to differentiate it from using an indirect object; le cepillo el cabello would be “I’m brushing their hair (for them)” meaning that it’s something you’re doing to someone else.

Not all verbs can be made reflexive, though it depends on the verb itself.

What reflexive really means is that the subject and the object are the same; someone does something to/for themselves.

So you have a verb like decir which is “to say”, but then decirse is “to talk to oneself” which would also work for hablar and hablarse 

For some verbs it depends on the object as to whether or not they can be reflexive:

pintar = to paintpintar a alguien = to paint someonepintarse = to apply makeup (to oneself)

bañar = to bathebañar a alguien = to give someone a bathbañarse = to take a bath (oneself)

poner = to putponerse (la ropa) = to put on (clothes)ponerse + adjetivo = to get + adjective [se pone nervioso/a “he/she gets nervous”]

quitar = to removequitarse (la ropa) = to take off (clothes)

There are also some verbs that are reciprocal reflexives, where it’s two or more subjects that do something to each other. For example conocer is normally “to know” or “to meet” but conocerse (when it doesn’t mean “to know oneself”) only exists as plural… se conocen “they know each other”

abrazar = to hugabrazar a alguien = to hug someonese abrazan = they’re hugging each other

This also works for besar “to kiss” or other verbs.

There are some verbs where context is crucial because there’s casarse “to get married” which could be singular se casa con alguien “he/she is getting married to someone” or it could be plural se casan which could be “(two people) are getting married” OR “they’re getting married (to each other)” and it depends on the actual context.

A little more confusing are verbs that have to do with body parts where they are reflexive but because your body parts belong to you:

lavar = to washlavarse = to wash oneselfse lava las manos = he/she is washing his/her hands

Literally it’s “they wash themselves the hands” but it’s reflexive because the “hands” could only belong to the same subject if it’s reflexive. Someone can wash someone else’s hands, but that would not be a reflexive anymore it’d be lava sus manos “he/she is washing their hands”

That also sometimes happens with caer “to fall” where caerse el pelo is “for someone’s hair to fall out” or caerse el diente “for someone’s tooth to fall out”.

Then you get into weird verbs where there’s a complicated concept known as dativo ético that makes the verb reflexive. They make the verb more dramatic or have a more profound impact to the person it’s talking about:

morir = to diemorirse = to die [more dramatic, usually implied to be sudden]

dormir = to sleepdormirse = to fall asleep

ir = to goirse = to go away

There’s also ver which is “to look/see” but then verse is “to look (appearance)” as in te ves bien “you look good”

The one that trips up a lot of people is comer “to eat” vs. comerse “to eat”.

Regular comer is used, but you’re more likely to see comerse used by native speakers like me como la naranja “I’m eating the orange”. Using it as a reflexive has a more emotional weight to the person eating.

In other words comer is “to feed on (for nutritional purposes)” while comerse is more “to eat (because you like what you’re eating)”. It’s a weird concept to explain but it’s implied that comerse has more to do with a sense of enjoyment while comer can have a more mechanical “there’s nothing else I need calories” kind of eating.

What then gets a little more confusing is when the impersonal and passive se are used, so it loses a reflexive quality and it’s more about what can or cannot be done.

estacionar = to parkno estacionarse = no parking

This is impersonal in that it’s not an actual subject, it’s like an impersonal “you” or “one”.

So se puede is a phrase they use a lot in politics and it means “yes we can” or more literally “yes it can be done” or “yes one can do it”

Passive and impersonal really only tend to show up in 3rd person, and passive can exist in singular and plural while impersonal is only singular.

Se habla español aquí. = They speak Spanish here. [impersonal]Se habla español aquí. = Spanish is spoken here. [passive]

It only then becomes an issue in plural vs. singular…

Se habla español y francés. = They speak Spanish and French. [impersonal]

Se hablan español y francés. = Spanish and French are spoken. [passive]

Impersonal is just the lack of a subject, so it puts a “you” or “one” or “they” or ‘we” not as a literal subject but as a stand-in for a subject. 

Impersonal is common as se dice “one says”, se escribe “one spells” as in… ¿cómo se escribe este nombre? “How do you spell this name?”

Passive shows up a lot with inanimate objects or how things happen to other things:

No se pueden abrir las ventanas. = The windows cannot be opened.

This would be different from no pueden abrir las ventanas “they can’t open the windows”… saying no se pueden means that it’s the fault of the windows themselves, not just that the people don’t have the ability to open them.

Passive voice places emphasis on the object, taking agency [the ability to act] away from the subject:

Comieron las galletas. = They ate the cookies. [active voice]

Se comieron las galletas. = The cookies got eaten. [passive voice]

With se comieron las galletas it doesn’t say who did it, just that it happened to the galletas.

They use the se but it’s not really reflexive.

Then you have extreme passive voice which is when something happens on its own to you:

Rompí el coche. = I broke the car. Se rompió el coche. = The car broke (by itself).Se me rompió el coche. = The car up and died on me. / The car broke down on me.

Acabé con hacerlo. = I just finished doing it.Se acabó el tiempo. = Time ran out.Se me acabó el tiempo. = Time got away from me. / Time ran out on me.

You run into that a lot with olvidar where it’s more common to say se me olvidaron las llaves which is “I completely forgot my keys” or “my keys slipped my mind”

More literally it’s “the keys made themselves forgotten to me”

These types of passive expressions are used to mitigate your control over the thing that happened, or when something inadvertent or unexpected happened. We do it too in English though usually with certain verbs or expressions like “I forgot” vs. “it slipped my mind”; in “it slipped my mind” it’s passive voice saying that it’s the fault of the object that slipped “my” mind… or in other words you didn’t willfully forget it. So you see this a lot with accidents or just things you do without thinking, or to say it’s not your fault.

But these aren’t true reflexives… they just look like reflexives because they use the se.

But since I didn’t really explain it, reflexive verbs need their reflexive pronouns to be understood as reflexives.

It’s especially necessary when you have verbs that mean different things without the reflexives.

Like poner is “to put”, but ponerse can be “to put on” like ponerse ropa is “to put on clothes”

If you said pon/ponga/pongan ropa it could be interpreted as you’re telling someone to put clothes somewhere; like pon la ropa en el armario “put the clothes in the closet”... it’s different from something like ponte el abrigo “put on the coat”

But the use of the pronomial [reflexive pronoun] when dealing with reflexives serves a grammatical function.

When you’re dealing with dativo ético there’s no grammatical reason to have the me, te, se, nos, os used... but it is useful for semantics [what things mean], which is why you’d see comerse used as a “reflexive” command

*Note: As a true reflexive, comerse means “to eat oneself / to consume oneself” or “to eat away at”

Linguistically speaking, reflexives are reflexive when the subject and the object are the same; you can “put clothes (somewhere)” or you can “put clothes (on oneself)”... since the person “putting the clothes on” is the subject and also the person receiving the action of having the clothes put on [the object], that makes it reflexive

But in a true linguistic sense comerse as “to eat” or “to eat up” is not a true reflexive; in te comes una pizza “you eat a pizza”, the “pizza” is understood as the object, but the subject is different.

Pronomial verbs consist of: 

1. reflexives 

afeitar = to shave afeitarse = to shave oneself

pintar = to paint pintarse = to put on makeup

decir = to say decirse = to talk to oneself

despertar = to wake / to awaken (someone else) despertarse = to wake up (oneself / on one’s own)

lavar = to wash lavarse = to wash oneself [lavarse el cabello “to wash one’s hair”, lavarse las manos “to wash one’s hands” etc.]

2. reciprocal reflexives [two or more subjects doing something to each other]

enamorarse de alguien = to fall in love with someone [reflexive or reciprocal] se enamora = he/she falls in love se enamoran = they fall in love [two separate people OR as reciprocal, “they fall in love with each other”]

casarse = to get married se casa = he/she is getting married se casan = they’re getting married [potentially to each other]

conocer a alguien = to know someone conocerse = “to know oneself” [as a true reflexive] se conocen = they know each other se conocieron = they met each other se conocían = they used to know each other

3. dativo ético

and you see it a lot with things like comerse, imaginarse, caerse, creerse, saberse, dormirse, and morirse... where the meaning is more about how you’re supposed to interpret it, and less about what it literally means