#redstag

To me being marked up and scratched is a very delicate matter. It is not usually sexual (although it very easily can be in the right setting, method and person involved) to receive, as well as giving. Being Scratched is exceptionally intimate, and if all factors surrounding it are not met it is not something that I enjoy, but when met fireworks go off in my entire body and mind. 

Scratching and being scratched is therapeutic to me, it makes my nerves on fire in the most pleasant of ways till they all stand on end, but it also relaxes me like nothing else. Both awake and at the most peaceful stage, an contradiction in of itself.  It is a coming together and bonding on unimaginable levels of the universe, a gift that I have rarely successfully shared with another. 

I feel so drained and lonely and lost. I truly was in love with him and just, got thrown away it feels like. He recently began messaging me, but it’s few and far between and I feel heartbroken but at the same time as if I don’t deserve to feel this way. He asked me twice to be his girlfriend and told me numerous times that he not just loved me but that he was in love with me, but than he pulled away and ended everything in a shortish  time. <\p>

I … I … I’m not good with expressing my words verbally, and I want to talk to him about it, yet at the same time, him not seeming to remember asking me out combined with him stating he wasn’t ready for a relationship although his every body language and words were screaming the exact opposite the entire time we were emotionally intimate and dating (to me dating is completely different than “in a relationship” since dating isn’t official although he told me countless times “Just because we’re not in an official relationship doesn’t mean I’m not committed”) just forms a huge knot in my throat and I am silenced by my own body so that I don’t put myself out there again to be destroyed. 

He always said I was his best friend, yet right now his not talking with me is saying a different story, yet god dammit I miss him, and our hours long conversations, our friendship. Spending time with him.  I wish I could block him out of my mind  - I wish I could block everything that I feel for him, but at the same time I don’t want to do that. I feel like blocking it all out would undermine everything that it was, and it was such a beautiful thing that doesn’t deserve the unjust of being blocked out. Fuck why does it hurt so much? Why did I have to find someone who I felt the deepest connection of my entire life (even more than M if I’m going to be raw honest with myself) with, fall so deeply in love with him, and everything be ruined in the end? 

Am I that unlovable? Was it all just a giant mind game? Are the rumors that his ex-fiance is spreading true?  I never believed her filth to be true, but sometimes the timing really fucking sucks and makes me think that what she was spreading partly resumed the truth for once instead of complete lies. 

How do I deal with the end of a relationship? Well … you’re looking at it. At least for this time (Honestly through I've been planning on dying my hair purple for MONTHS and just never got around to it). I have also been wearing makeup (just eyeliner, mascara, and lip stain with eyeshadow here and there) more times in the past two weeks than the past year total.

I find myself improving myself somehow to show just how important it is that I remember that I am important (and a touch to showcase just how awesome I am too) after breakups. This isn’t solely limited to looks although this time it’s focused on my appearance. In the past after a break up I’ve stopped wearing my XXXL men’s shirts and men’s pants and wore a juniors jeans in my size and regular fitted t-shirt, and after another breakup I threw myself into my studies at college and into volunteering.

Maybe this isn’t considered a healthy coping mechanism, but I can honestly think of so many worse ways to deal.

A huge reason why I’m doing this much this time is not solely because of the break up with Red Stag, but also because of Lady Love. After her visit for my wedding she went AWOL and pretty much ghosted me (this truly broke my heart because we have been together for seven years and I love her to infinity and beyond and always have) and than it turns out that the same day that Red Stag ended things Lady Love deleted me off her Facebook. Yes … I know that my relationship with her was over when she ghosted me (I got her message loud and clear and cried over it for many hours) but the deleting me off Facebook was just … so final.

I miss her, and I miss him. Although I love them both dearly and was in love, my love for each of them was so vastly different as it is for M. More than anything through is I miss them, the unique people that they are and their friendship and our conversations.

I know Lady Love slammed the door in my face and has locked that door and thrown away the key, but I truly only wish the best for her.

It seems like forever since I’ve posted about my personal life, but I am still seeing that beautiful soul whom I was highly intrigued and interested in since the first day I met him of Red Stag. We’ve been “seeing” each other for lack of knowledge of a better suited word since around Halloween and had quickly became best friends a few months before that after we met and befriended each other. Since the beginning we instantly clicked and had insane chemistry together and it has only grown into deep emotional intimacy and involvement since.

A while ago he told me “I love you” and that he felt like he was my boyfriend but I was so caught off guard that he back pedaled. I knew he wanted me to tell him that I felt the same, and I did love his entire personality and was crazy about him but I was honest and told him that I wasn’t one hundred percent sure that I was in love with him and that I couldn’t say that without being there.

Fast forward nearly two months, and I am definitely sure. So sure that I told him (although it was through text massages while drunk which is not at all how I wanted to share with him). When I discovered the messages I had sent him the next morning I began to panic, I was so nervous about what I had said and how he would respond. I kept checking our conversation, kept retreading what I had typed and sent him. I knew it was the truth about how I felt in regards to him, but my messages were so full of the feels and straight forward that my biggest fear was that I would have outright scared him away. I don’t regret telling him how I felt, but I do think I should have at least had the courage to tell him in person - although maybe I still can. It wouldn’t be the first but sharing in person really does go a long way - no matter how scared I am.