#red thread fics

It was hard for Joel to adjust to life in Jackson. The tiny settlement his brother’s wife & a handful others had started had grown to become a thriving city, with a steady influx of refugees. People counted on him for security, maintenance & construction of houses & other amenities for the new citizens of Jackson. The pressure of delivering on his responsibilities would have been lighter if he didn’t face the threat of the Infected, Raiders, Slavers & other nuts every time he set foot outside of the borders - on a patrol or on a material run. Lighter still, if Ellie & Tommy weren’t tagging along. But they were. 

And for something as stupid as SOIL, well, that was just screaming careless. 

Ellie had managed to convince him on behalf of the person who had requested the run - some cursed friend of hers. Joel couldn’t refuse because it was the first time she had asked for something since she’d known the real truth about Salt Lake City. They would take the safer, scenic route to the mountainside, apparently ideal for collecting soil…? 

In truth, Joel could have easily made his peace with it but being the torchbearer of functional responsibility & economic efforts, he had to be at his frumpiest, grumpiest worst.  

“Seven bags?! Who the hell needs so much soil? What are they plantin’? A jungle?!” Joel whined to his brother while loading the horses with the giant jute bags that would be holding the soil they were going to get. Tommy was reluctant to hand a shovel to such an irritated Joel but he snatched it from Tommy with a declaration, “I’m gonna to be needin’ this - because I’m gonna to bury him at the mountaintop. Some friend…” This made Tommy chuckle but that didn’t affect Joel’s tirade - “He’s not a friend. He’s just usin’ Ellie to get to ME. Rope me in to win over the counsel?! That’s a coward if I ever knew one.” 

“I didn’t ask Ellie to rope you in.” A steely voice rung out from behind Joel & Tommy. Both of them whipped around to see a young woman scowling. Her face was soft & kind but her tattoos gave her a stern edge, especially the dark black tattoo on the front of her neck, it suddenly made Joel inch closer to her. The woman had bleached blonde hair, which made a halo around her head in the morning light. “I can do this on my own.”, the woman said as she loaded her horse with a shovel & bags. 

Tommy, who knew her, murmured something in the way of an apology but Joel could hardly hear what he said. He hadn’t been so taken by a woman in eons. Wearing a bottle green baggy DC sweatshirt & pjs with wellington boots. The outfit tried to hide her curves but failed. Her full figure, the curves that dominated any scenery they entered - they reminded Joel of a neighbour who taught Joel & Tommy the basics of gardening. This woman looked much younger than Mrs. Devida. She was ofcourse older than Ellie but could easily be mistaken for 27. The only way Joel knew she was older was because of the way she carried herself - it wasn’t a youthful confidence nor was it propelled by only her beauty. Joel had lived long enough to know that conviction like that was hard-won. Whatever she had gone through, this woman had returned to herself so many times that now she’d made a true home of her body, of the air she breathed, the horse she rode & the friends she had. Joel knew it was women like her that actually own the earth. 

She stopped to tie her hair up before she got on her horse and Joel wanted to look away, truly, he wanted to resist drinking the vision in so obviously that it shocked not only Tommy but also Ellie. But he just couldn’t. Her skin was such a beautiful shade of golden brown & it shone in the sun & strangely reminded Joel of the first time he’d seen chocolate being tempered - glistening, delicious, tempting him to reach out & touch.  She looked at him with such a sinister anger in those dark brown eyes, that’s what finally made Joel look away. 

She was so enchanting that even Ellie & Tommy caught Joel staring. They were exchanging confounded looks about Joel’s out-of-character behaviour all the way there. Joel was just quietly trying to pretend that his world hadn’t just shifted. 

The road was quiet as predicted & even though Joel was leading the run, the woman was the the first of the pack, expertly navigating the curving road to the peak. That worked out well for Joel so he could constantly stare at her as they climbed upwards - the contours of her body revealing rich curves as she stretched across her horse, keeping her balance on the rocky terrain. Finally, they reached the peak. 

Joel, Tommy & Ellie were all surprised to see a small lake-like reservoir there. It was still late winter but the snow on the peak had thawed. Joel didn’t know how to show it - considering the sudden range of emotions he was experiencing - but he was impressed. Only an expert would have judged the first signs of spring with such acuity. ‘An expert at what exactly?!’ Joel wondered. “Ray! You were right! This is—!” Ellie was delighted as she rode her horse ahead toward the woman - who welcomed her with a smile that put the sun to shame. ‘Ray… Ofcourse, that’s her name…’ Joel realised. It made the grumpiness in Joel melt & Tommy caught the beginnings of a smile on his face. Joel shuffled to hide it as he got to work. 

Ray marked out an area & the girls began to dig while Tommy & Joel were still unloading. Soon Joel began digging with Ray, glancing at her every few minutes. He had managed to re-adjust his facial features to his default mode of grump. 

Ray on the other hand was completely in focus mode, which was also fuelled by a fight she had back at her home, with her ex-turned-friend. He was trying to get more benefits than were agreed upon. The comment Joel made pushed her over the edge. She had actually been excited to meet Tommy’s brother. Tommy & Maria had been so kind to her & the Washy DC family - which is what Ray, five other adults & around 50-odd kids called themselves - so she wanted to extend the courtesy & the circle of kindness. But it seemed this Joel person was an asshole. Lila, Ray’s best friend, had told her about him working construction, literally building the school that the Washy DC family needed & had described him as “delicious”.

' More like despicable...' Ray thought. He couldn’t stop looking at her like a little puppy. He couldn’t gather enough courage to come up to her to apologise. Although, Ray knew, only a madman would approach her now - the way she was going at it with the shovelling. It was helping her process her feelings. The shovel was her rage & the soil was the shitty behaviour of men. 

The sudden softness Joel was experiencing was entirely shocking to him. How this woman with her strange obsession with soil had reminded him that, underneath all the tough, manly layers, he was still the 12 year old who’d felt a strange tug in his jeans the first time he saw Mrs. Devida garden. It wasn’t just lust, as his friend at the time had concluded, it was the most innocent first love a boy could have. Joel thought that part of him - the innocent lover - had died. But a single look at Ray had been like a storm. Where Joel assumed  hard concrete, this torrential rain was revealing soil...? And the possibility of something beautiful growing. That’s what was scaring Joel. Lust, he could handle but this… this rush of tenderness - it terrified him. 

A run that he had thought of as useless had suddenly become life-altering; Second only to the mission of bringing Ellie back to Jackson. And to Joel - who thought there were no more positive surprises coming to his life - this... was a rude shock. 

Collecting seven bags of soil was heavy, tiring grunt work but they finished the run & unloaded the bags back in Jackson, at the entrance of the school where some people were already transporting them inside. Joel had worked on construction at this building, turning into a school. At the behest of the weird group of people that had showed up at the gates of Jackson. He was opposed to letting them in but Maria & the council had insisted. These strange feelings within Joel made him oscillate from being grateful to annoyed at the council’s compassionate decision. Joel started, as Ray stood heaving, looking up at the sky in relief. They had all lugged the bags of soil but she looked like she’d won a war. She looked like a Goddess, breathing out puffs of smoke in the cold air. She was sweating & taking time to get her breathing even. He was too but he couldn’t tear his eyes off her… She’d just untied her hair to let the sweat air out, the way her curvy contour moved, trying to breathe slowly, deeply. Whenever she looked up, he could see her gorgeous tattoo, a painful experience, no doubt, but it made her look like the warrior she must be. He wanted to be tender with this part of her… When Ray stretched her arms all the way back, Joel caught a glimpse of her midriff - plush, round & soft to the touch, he imagined. Ray caught him staring & quickly rearranged her pose, reminding herself she was not indoors. Then she questioned herself about why she needed to police how her body moved just because she was in front of men… the men of Jackson had been sweet… more or less. But as gorgeous as Joel was, Ray didn’t really know what kind of a man he was. She did like having his gaze on her, though. Or maybe that could just mean that she was going to be ovulating this week - the female psyche was a strange place indeed.  Joel hardly ever thought of women as lusty objects meant for his satisfaction & as much as he wanted to know more about her, just glimpsing Ray’s belly was making Joel’s civil mannered self go blank. He needed to see all of her… touch her, love her… take her in a way that would ruin her for all other men. He felt this ancient urge of making her HIS. This savage, carnal part of him just wanted to pick her up, throw her on his shoulder, take her home & have his way with her (in a thousand different, unmentionable ways). But all Joel could do was covet this gorgeous woman standing before him with incredulity. 

Tommy gestured, encouraging him to go talk to the woman. Ellie took one look at Joel & rolled her eyes, “Could you be cool? For once in your life?!” Nothing like a taunt from a teenager whose life he’d saved so many times he had lost count to snap Joel back to reality. And just as well because Ray was walking toward him. Tommy shoved an elbow into Joel’s side, encouraging him to make conversation. Ellie walked ahead to meet her friend, Dina. Ray had finally evened out her breath & as she began to think about next steps, she melted a little when she saw the man who had been bad-mouthing have this... soft, coy look on his face. She walked toward Joel, almost to let him know that she wouldn't tear him to shreds if he said what needed to be said. Ray was ready to let go of the act of being an angry grump. It really took a lot of effort for her & she was hoping to return to her natural, smiling self but when Joel began speaking, he said, “So what was all that for?” Ray simply looked through Joel, at Tommy and said, “Thank you” in a way that made it sound like a slap than actual gratitude and walked away from them, into the new school building. 

Tommy slapped his palm on his face & groaned. Joel turned to his little brother & asked, "What did I say?" Part Two: His Personal Council

Joel clutched the centre of his chest when he saw Raina at the doorway of his bedroom. He inhaled as though he’d been freed from some invisible noose. His other hand went to his forehead & he held it like his head ached horribly. Raina felt like she knew this man forever. To see him in so much pain hurt her deeply. His eyes were covered by his massive hand. When Joel tried to speak his voice refused… Raina came to the bed & sat by him. His hand still clutched his head, eyes covered. when he cleared his throat to say - 

“You stayin’?” 

“I’m staying.”

Raina ran her hand over his head, almost as if she was trying to softly remove his pain. She really loved his full head of hair, graying, as it was now. He slowly removed his hand from over his brow. Tears fell when he opened his eyes. When she came into focus for him, Joel saw Raina looking at him with love, just so much love, in her eyes. She pressed her forehead to his, sharing his pain, saying everything she couldn’t speak yet, as her hands wiped his tears off. 

After a moment, Raina moved away from Joel, to see if he was okay. There was so much she wanted to say but she thought about what he needed to hear in this moment.  “You’re the man who protected his 14 year old kid… that’s who I see…” Raina whispered. She couldn’t hold back her anxieties from spilling out in front of Joel,“And… they… they wouldn’t have listened, if you had tried to talk them out of it…”, her voice cracked, & Joel reached out and cradled her face with his hand. Raina closed her eyes, leaned her face into it & held his rough, calloused hand with both her hands. She planted small kisses on his massive open palm as she whispered, “they might have killed you…” tears streamed down Raina’s eyes, “And I’m glad you didn’t let them… I’m so glad you didn’t let them…” She kept repeating it like a prayer, like she was thanking whatever power existed for allowing Joel to come to her. Joel moved his hand to the back of her head & gently guided her closer to him. He held her forehead to his, her tears now washing his face, he calmed her fears, “Hey, hey, I’m here, baby, I’m safe…” he tucked his finger under her chin & raised her face, gently telling her to look him in the eyes. She met his gaze when he said, “I’m with you… my Raina…” Raina felt a wave of pleasure when he called her his & somehow, she stopped crying. Somehow, like she had this morning, her body surrendered to Joel’s touch. To Joel, this was probably the only time he felt happy to see her big black eyes full of happy, relieved tears. She was happy he was alive. He had told her everything & she stayed. He hadn’t needed to fight, to prove anything to her. He just had to love her now, love her right. 

She moved as he guided her; Her eyes still shut, her breath deep & heavy with the potential of this consecrated moment. He tucked his hand under her chin, his thumb caressing the little dip between it & her lower lip, stopping her only a hair’s breadth away from him… just so he could breathe her in a little bit more… Raina opened her eyes to see Joel looking at her lips. 

When they looked at each other, both Joel & Raina felt this wave reverberate through their whole bodies… & they weren’t two people or two bodies anymore, just sensations… Joel’s warm hands on Raina’s soft skin, Her breath on his lips, his aroma flooding her senses… the uncoiling of an ancient desire deep within them… Joel parting his lips to take her full, pink lips in, both their visions blurred, interrupted by the unfocussed wisps of Raina’s hair dancing in the slight breeze… They closed their eyes & both of them felt it when Raina parted her lips, just barely beginning to brush on Joel’s lips—

When they heard the front door burst open to Tommy yelling, “Joooooel!” 

The moment was shattered as Tommy entered, shouting Joel’s name as though he was a wanted felon & the police were after him. 

Joel & Raina moved away from each other with another bellowing “Joooooel!” From Tommy. 

Raina wiped the remnants of her tears quickly & stood up, away from the bed. She gestured for him to answer Tommy who was headed in their direction, after a beat. 

Joel gritted his teeth & yelled with THE MOST annoyance he could muster for his baby brother - “In heeere!” Joel mouthed a remorseful ‘I’m sorry’ to Raina, who couldn’t help but smile. 

Tommy, evidently still angry, thumped his way to Joel’s bedroom yelling, “You sleepin’ now?! That why you weren’t at the 5 o’clock patro—ohhh!” his voice screeched to a halt when Tommy saw Raina standing by the wall with her hands behind her. It was clear that Tommy had barged into a private moment… between Joel & the woman he’d spent talking or trying not to talk about this whole week. 

Tommy looked back at Joel & blurted out, "Well, that was fast..."

The thing was, poor Tommy didn’t get the time he needed to calibrate his politeness filter from ‘Brother’, which was the lowest possible setting, to ‘New Female Person’, which demanded pretty high levels of politeness. And so he ended up saying something idiotic, as though Raina wasn’t in the room. 

Joel growled, wanting to whoop his ass, “TOMMY!” 

Finally Tommy looked at Raina & apologised, “I’m so sorry…” he took a beat to recalibrate & said, “Hi…” Raina smiled politely. Joel interrupted that awkward interaction, “I crinked my back…” 

Tommy was thankful for the interruption & that information as Joel went on, “… That’s why I wasn’t at the patrol… guessin’ Ellie forgot to tell you…” Tommy sighed, nodded & sat by Joel’s bed, concerned. Both brothers looked at her when Raina declared, “I’m just gonna…" She paused but when she couldn't come up with an excuse, simply said, "I'm gonna leave you guys alone…” & left the room. 

Joel smacked his brother in the head, “That’s how talk to a woman?!” 

“I was talkin’ to you!” Tommy said, rubbing the back of his head but coming back to the topic at hand, “But what happened?!”  

“I just crinked my back… it’ll be oka—” 

“No! Ray! She’s here! What DID you say?!” Tommy whispered, clearly more interested in his brother’s love life than his health. 

“I just told her what I felt…” Joel coolly offered. Tommy scoffed… “That’s not possible… you didn’ have that much game even when they wanted to make you Prom King…” he said, deflating Joel’s coolness. Tommy chuckled, “And now you’re MUCH older…”

Joel glared at Tommy but that didn’t stop him, “She must like you from before… musta’ seen you durin’ construction… Maria tol’ me how many women came to visit the school site…” Joel grumped his face in abject confusion. Tommy explained “You were gettin’ Lasagna for lunch every day Joel… d’you really think they were suddenly interested in layin’ tile?!” Joel cut through to the point, “Tommy, you need to leave. And I’m not comin’ in to work the next few days…” Tommy smirked, “Don’t overdo it ol’ man…” “Coz of my back!” Joel smacked him in the head again. Tommy  figured it was worth getting to tease his older brother.   

“I’m real happy for you Joel…” Tommy got real, “Despite what you think… you deserve to be happy…” Joel shook his head to resist getting vulnerable again but couldn’t help it, “S’ because of you… and Maria… and what y’all built…” Tommy nodded & smiled, “Yes… AND you deserve it… AND everythin’ else you could want… as much as your ol' frail body can handle”  Joel tried to smack him again but Tommy ducked, both of them laughed. This is how they remembered being in the best of their childhoods. In a moment, Raina knocked, peeked in & said, “Would anyone like some tea?” Joel & Tommy looked at each other stupendously, like, ‘Are we tea people now?’.

Joel answered for both of them, “We could… try some…” Tommy nodded in agreement. 

Raina brought in three cups of piping hot, slightly brown water that both Miller men were initially confused by. Raina encouraged them to take a whiff of the aroma by doing it herself. 

Tommy was impressed, “Wooow… that’s, that’s…” he took another whiff, “Lavender?!” 

Raina smiled & nodded to say yes, “Lavender & Chamomile & a little bit of cinnamon… I have a little garden…”

The three of them sipped on tea & made polite conversation. Every time Raina looked away, though, Joel tried to rush Tommy out. To the point that Tommy had to gulp down his hot tea & it burned his throat a little. He loved it nonetheless. Raina offered some for his wife & Tommy couldn’t say no. Joel glared at him the whole time Raina packed some of her tea mix for Maria in a cute little jute pouch which she just happened to have in her bag. 

Joel smiled sweetly every time Raina saw him but the instant it was only Tommy in his eyeline, Joel silently mouthed, “Get. Out.” Tommy mouthed back, annoyed but silent, “I’m leavin’!” 

Raina chuckled & said aloud, “Joel… he’s your brother… he can stay awhile…”. She couldn’t pretend anymore that these men were being discreet. Tommy guffawed & pacified Joel, “No no no… I do have to go, got a ton of things to do…” He looked at Raina & said, “I’ll be in to check on him tomorrow… Lemme know if I can get somethin’…” Tommy apologised again for his comment earlier & thanked Raina for the tea, which he was sure Maria would love. Raina walked him out. Even a moment as small as this - Raina seeing Tommy out - brought a warm smile to Joel because it looked & felt like Raina had already become the woman of the house… of HIS house. And his heart. Part Eight - Finally, home.

Raina’s nod interrupted Joel, “I got married really really young… my husband Raman & my daughter Rumi… she’d have been 28 if she was alive today…” “I’m sorry…” “Thanks…” “I had a daughter too…” the words that came out of him surprised Joel too. He never spoke about Sarah, let alone with someone he didn’t fully know. But, as seemed to keep happening in front of Raina, there was no stopping the flow of his heart, “Sarah. It was a military officer, he’d just gotten an order… her leg was hurt so I was carryin’ her…” Joel tried to stop himself from speaking more, this was jarring for him, saying so much, in such public view. He suddenly slid his stool back & left saying, “I’m sorry…” 

Joel went to the backyard of the school. It used to be a deserted parking area but now it was being dug up, to be a garden. Thankfully it was empty right now. Joel caught his breath but couldn’t stop tears rolling down his face. He wiped them off. Within a moment, he heard a shuffling behind him and felt Raina come sit on the stairs of the empty lot, next to him. She offered her story as a path for him to reveal his, “I'd just returned from home & I was calling out for Raman… he worked from home & looked after our 2 year old. I went to make tea… sometimes I wonder if I’d have looked for them a second earlier maybe I could have had one last glimpse… they’d already… turned… when I saw them. I think it was during their evening walk… Both of them came after me… I know it wasn’t them but… I did what I had to do to survive. I stabbed my husband. I stabbed my two-year-old. That’s my hurt locker…” “Your… hurtlock…?” “It’s a Min-thing… but now we all use it at Washy… a hurt locker is like a memory that we keep replaying… like keyless lock that we can’t not carry. No matter how I look at it, how I try to process it, I can’t change it… Its a fact that I have to live with. And its not one that I can ever leave behind… I find it helps to talk about it, show it, to the ones who are alive now… the people you care about…” Joel nodded… he didn’t feel pressured to tell her his story & yet he did. It flowed even more, now that they were alone. He told her about Sarah, how smart she was… about how her mother had left but how happy the father-daughter duo of them had been. “I shouldn’t have taken her for granted like I did… I should have held her lower… maybe then the bullet would have hit me.” Raina nodded. Everyone in this post infected world knew what it was like to have a regret like that. Joel liked that she didn’t tell him he shouldn’t think like that. That he shouldn’t talk about things that he couldn’t change. Time was, he would have said these very words. But he couldn’t say them to her. She knew better. By some miracle, it seemed like Raina’s lock-thing didn’t weigh heavy on her. He looked at her with a question in his eyes. She answered with a sweet, polite smile. A smile that said, ‘All in good time…’ 

Joel took another moment to sit next to her before asking, “Should we…?” Raina smiled warmly & nodded. But right before she got up, Raina wiped the tears off Joel’s face with both her hands. Without another word, she walked back into the class. Joel hadn’t even realised when his tears had betrayed him & fallen, in front of her. 

After an awkward minute, Joel walked back into the soil straining. It looked sort of looked like a sewing circle… people sitting around working on something together while talking, singing. Most of them didn’t realise they were smiling. His father didn’t like Joel & Tommy doing womanly things like that but now, Joel just wondered if it was because it must have reminded his dad too much of their mom. Joel was glad to be able to join the circle now. He was glad that Raina had still saved the seat next to her. 

That week flew by. Joel visited the school every day. He took up the evening patrol & delegated more than he ever had in his entire life - pre or post outbreak. Tommy looked at him sideways, knowing full well what was occupying Joel’s days. Ellie rolled her eyes whenever she passed him by at the school. She never told him what she worked on in there, only that he shouldn’t ask & he should leave the school by 5PM, before she comes in. Like any dutiful father, Joel had no option but to obey his surly teenage daughter. He was smiling more & more these days. He woke up with renewed energy, to meet Raina, to talk to her every day. He longed for the moment when he wouldn’t need to leave his house to see her. It was a long way away because even though Joel had asked Raina to the spring dance, even though she’d said yes, they had not been romantic in any way. The only time they’d touched was when she had wiped his tears on the stairs that day. Even then, she was gone before Joel could realise what had happened. 

‘Thats okay… Good, even.’ Thought Joel. He was getting time to know her. Just the other day, as they were mixing the soil in buckets of water, he asked her why her group called themselves ‘Washy’. 

Raina had chuckled out loud, bashfully, “I forget not everyone knows… it must seem weird to you…” Joel smiled his confession, ‘Yeah… a little’ 

Raina explained, “I was a student training to be a teacher before the outbreak. It was a great program... Washington DC High School. I know Min & Lila from back then. Min was majoring in English. Lila majored in Chemistry. I was—”

“An art major…” 

Raina laughed as she stirred the soil into water, arms deep in the sludgy mud, “How did you know?”, she asked sarcastically. She went on to tell him the origin story of the name, “DC Fedra had boarded up in our school. That’s where we found each other again. And uh… we’ve stuck together ever since. After everything that went down, we… we just tried to save every kid we could. One of the kids we ended up saving one night was another one of our batchmate's younger brother - Yoshi Hamada, he was only 5 - it was at the peak of the outbreak but he made us laugh so much when he ran to us yelling, ‘WashyDC!’… that’s what he’d called the school when he accompanied his mother at drop off. He recognised us. He must have been 3 or 4 when he’d seen us first. Can you imagine? I think it was a miracle… To see this 5 year old kid who’d been hiding, struggling to survive…  When I saw him run to us like that… it gave us something to live for. That’s just what we became… a sort of make-shift travelling school… more like a travelling circus… but there couldn’t be a better name for us than WashyDC.” “And Yoshi… he’s…?” “Oh he met this girl when we were holed up in Illinois… when he was 20 & he fell in love, he decided to go with her group... We’ve been trying to reach them… I hope he’s…” Raina nodded to shake away her anxieties, “He knows how to survive…” She looked at him with a soft smile on her face, “It’s tough… being a parent who’s not a parent, huh…” 

Joel had just looked at her with a mixture of shock & awe. As though she were a magician who’d just shown him a card trick.

Joel only really knew one thing - that there was a reservoir of desire building up inside of him - fast. How long it would take for the dam of awkwardness & courtesy to contain the current of his longings - he couldn’t tell.

But even he couldn’t guess what this day was to bring - 

Tommy & a few other guys were accompanying Joel to school today. Raina had mentioned she was going to look for four or five long tables to spread the wet clay & let it dry off. Joel had taken it upon himself to build her these tables. But to deliver them before Raina set out in search meant that he had to reach out for help. He asked Tommy & a couple of guys that were into woodwork to help him out. They all had different favours to ask - some wanted cigarettes, others wanted easier shifts or duties. One idiot even asked if Joel could arrange a date with Ellie. It had taken all the power that Tommy had to stop Joel from giving that cocky young man a black eye. Meanwhile Raina had obviously noticed how regularly Joel was coming in to school. He’d ask her questions. Glance at her. He’d asked her out to the Spring Dance. She half expected him to ask her out on a date. But when that hadn’t happened, she went back to not believing it - that a man as gorgeous & loyal as Joel Miller could like her. 

Lila told her she really needed to work on her limiting beliefs. Min was behaving more & more aloof with her. Clearly he didn’t like all this talk around Joel but he couldn’t let Raina go on thinking this rubbish so he just got up from the breakfast table where this conversation was taking place & emphatically said, “Raina Raman Mukherjee, this man would have to do only good in this life & the next to remotely deserve you. You’re gorgeous & brilliant & I know you know it & I know you doubt it sometimes & I’m really sorry for being the one who fed the doubts inside you, even if it was for a day. You can have any man or woman you want. Not that any of these Wyoming folk deserve you.” Min Young made his speech & left the room.

“See?” Lila said like it was the most obvious thing in the world. Min Young, the king of nonchalance, had just middle named her & apologised in front of the whole room. Raina had to begin to believe… She really wanted Joel to ask her out. At this point, actually, she just really wanted Joel to throw her over his shoulder like one of the soil bags & bang her into the headboard until she saw god. Raina blushed at her own dirty mind. She didn’t want to take the lead but she knew what she could do to inspire Joel to. She decided on a dress that was the perfect mix of innocence & sex. It seemed like a perfectly simple black dress but with Raina’s full curves & the almost-too-deep square neck, it was just dangerous enough. When Min saw her, he lit up. The dress worked on Min Young without fail, but he forgot that Raina wasn’t wearing it for him today. He was always quick to forget that he’d lost that privilege. He was too engrossed thinking about the dress… well, it was never the dress, more about how it made Raina feel in it, she loved feeling like she was one inch away from revealing too much. When Lila saw Raina ready to leave, she wolf whistled & said, “God save Joel Miller…” Raina just coolly replied, “She’s decided to bless him today.”

Later that day, she received the confirmation her heart had needed. What she didn’t know was just how fast things were going to happen in one day - Raina eyes went wide when she saw five men carrying the tables in what was slowly but surely becoming her pottery studio. When she saw Joel carry in the last one, she wanted to jump up on him and kiss him all over that gruffy scruffy face. She didn’t though, considering there were five other men in the room. Raina offered them all seats & thanked them profusely.

When she caught Joel’s eyes, she saw him smiling more fully than she ever had. It shocked herself, even, just how she loved that smile on his face with an almost violent intensity. Seeing Joel, wiping his sweat, sitting on the stool was apparently too much for her desire. Raina had to go out to the water filter under the guise of getting some water for the men who’d brought her the tables. Joel had loved seeing that wide-eyed, kid in a candy-store look on Raina’s face when he’d brought the tables in. When she saw him, he could almost hear her say, ‘You… I knew it would be you…’ with so much love in her eyes. He made a silent resolve to ask her out for a date today. He’d planned it all out. 

Raina returned with a pitcher of water and seven glasses. The men thanked her. Joel hated the fact that he had to bring all these men because of the tables & now they were all looking at his woman. 

Raina looked gorgeous everyday but today… today… something about her seemed… carnal. She was wearing just a normal, plain black dress but the way she carried it, the way it accentuated her curves & her tattoos - it looked more like she was wearing a secret. A secret that was asking to be revealed.  Joel needed to stretch all the seams of that dress & see his woman, have her right here, on one of the tables he’d built for her. The problem was Joel knew all these other men were also picking up on the secret of the dress… and he hated of them thinking about her that way. He began to herd the men out of the class, reminding them of their shifts & duties - including Tommy, who didn’t take kindly to this second class treatment from his brother. He wanted to take the opportunity to tease Joel a little more - so he stalled. 

“Didn’t you have something to ask, Caleb?”, Tommy reminded one of the men. Caleb did have something to ask - he wanted to skip today evening’s patrol. Joel rushed this discussion by immediately saying yes. 

“That’s so sweet. But then, Joel, who’s going to take his place?” Tommy exaggerated, like a dumb little kid.

“I’ll take his place.” Joel said, who wanted to kick these idiots out as soon as possible. “Oh bless your heart, Joel Miller, isn’t he just… so generous?” Tommy looked at Raina who was smiling now because it was too obvious what was happening. 

Joel was getting annoyed now & Tommy was leaving but just before exiting the classroom, he turned & said to Raina, “You know… I think Joel has changed because…” Tommy took a very deliberate pause, “he’s shifted from workin’ with cement to workin’ with soil… he just can’t stop talking about it!”

This annoyed Joel enough to slap a hard one on his brother’s back but made Raina laugh out loud. Tommy finally got the hint & it hurt. He left saying a very loud ‘Bye!’ to both of them. Joel turned to look at Raina, still embarrassed about what his brother had implied. Raina smiled softly, “I think it’s true though…” Joel looked at her with a question. “Working with soil… with clay… it helps us… bloom…” she answered. Joel nodded. He had thought about everything except how he was going to actually ask her, once they were alone. The air was thick with potential which interfered with the smooth functioning of his brain. Joel was trying to work that little part out when Raina interrupted his thoughts, “Hey… I have something to show you.”, as she walked out of the classroom.

Joel looked shocked.

Raina guessed what he could have been thinking & blushed fiercely, “No, Joel! It’s an exhibit!” 

Joel blushed too but he relaxed in the knowledge that Raina understood what he was too shy to say. He smiled at her, teasingly, “I didn’ say nothin’” She had given herself away… she bit her cheeks to stop herself from blushing & smiling, “It’s Ellie’s drawings… It took me weeks to convince her to do a showcase… she might even begin teaching!” The feral mood shifted at the mention of Ellie. Both Joel & Raina were glad to discover that this would be their failsafe, whenever… if ever they needed to hold their desires back. Joel was reluctant, “Um… she’s told me not to…” Raina was walking ahead, leading the way to another classroom but she whipped around to face Joel to tease him, walking backwards, “I didn’t think you were so square, Joel Miller, d’you really listen to everything you’re told?” Joel smiled & stepped beside Raina, scared she might fall walking backward, “So… how is Ellie, what does she do here?”

Raina loved having him beside her, “Ellie is… absolutely wonderful. She was a little reluctant, cynical to come into the school…which is understandable, of course. We have Dina to thank for that… she pushed Ellie to come in & now Ellie is a regular, she loves working with charcoal, she’s really gifted…” Joel switched to parent-mode & was really happy to hear that, “She loves to draw… But… I was a little troubled that she drew all those moths… someone told me they’re a symbol of death… I dunno…”

Raina was in teacher-mode herself now & explained, “Expressing anything is better than letting it fester… Don’t worry about it… Ellie is happy as she can be. Plus, you’re the parent, you’re always gonna be in last consideration. It’s easy to share new things with strangers… but when it’s with someone whose opinion we really care about… its scary. Ellie is still… becoming…”

The image of Ellie & Kat suddenly popped into Joel’s imagination & he confessed, “I didn’t know… she liked girls… I don’ know if she’s uh a…” 

Raina looked at him with a lot of compassion in her eyes, “Joel… Ellie’s definitely gay.”

Joel stopped for a minute & unconsciously scratched his head. A look of worry flashed on Raina’s brow, “I hope… that’s not a problem…”

Joel discovered just how much of a backseat his own worries took when this newer pair of big, black eyes looked tense, “Oh no… I’m fine with that… as long as she’s okay…” 

Raina looked relieved & that made Joel’s heart feel warm again. She smiled warmly, “Think about it this way, when she’s ready for it, you won’t be giving her away, you’ll be welcoming another daughter…” 

The thought made something bloom in Joel. The last few decades had chipped away at the part of him that wished about a future but this image, of Ellie’s wedding - with her (more accurately) in a suit than a dress - getting married to some wonderful girl who would become part of his little family… it made him not just want to tempt fate but challenge it. He would do anything for his baby girl. 

Raina didn’t notice this little moment that Joel was having with himself & led him toward a room as she went on blabbering, “I bet its going to be Dina…” 

“What?!” snapped Joel…

Raina was alarmed, “No… they haven’t begun dating—”

“Dina?”, interrupted Joel, shocked to his core. 

In that moment Raina began to understand just how thick Joel was when it came to matters of the heart. That did explain why he hadn’t asked her out, he was scared. Something she understood all too well. She tried to be gentle with the man who’d made her dream of an art school, a pottery studio a reality, “Next time you’re with them, maybe notice how she looks at Dina…? It’ll still be a while… In the meantime, we’re here…” Before Joel could form another thought, Raina opened the door to their apparent destination, “This is Ellie’s Exhibit…” 

Joel didn’t fully process what Raina said - neither about Dina nor about the exhibit being Ellie’s but it was plenty clear when she opened the door - Joel could see the little girl Ellie was and the woman she was slowly becoming, a palimpsest, all in one place, all over papers & canvasses & cloths drying out. Joel had seen enough of Ellie’s little doodles to know her style of drawing. And this room was bursting with it. Mostly black & white, there were drawings of moths & butterflies, ferns & beautiful curling leaves, a few portraits of herself & others with moths flying around them, a few skull-drawings. There was one painting that was on the biggest canvas there… a man & a young girl walking away, toward clear blue skies & green grassy knolls with giraffes loitering, leaving behind a long road. The building in the foreground looked a little like… Joel put his hand in the centre of his chest when he saw the little tattered sign on the road that said, ‘Salt Lake City Hospital’. To Joel, this painting, the fact that Ellie had taken the time & effort to not just sketch but also paint this… it meant maybe, just maybe, she understood him, his choices. Maybe she could never forgive him for what he had done but maybe some part of her was glad to be able to walk ahead, live on in this life, with him by her side. His heart was thumping in his chest. His hand went to the centre of his chest, as a way of calming himself. He noticed Raina was not anywhere near him. He didn’t really like that but it freed him to have this moment, the pain & the joy, for himself. 

Raina knew the man in the painting was Joel & understood this was a private moment. She stepped behind, pretending to be interested in an artwork in the other corner of the room. She thought she heard a sniffle but didn’t dare disturb the moment Joel was having. It had only been inside of a week but it felt like she already knew him. 

Raina tried to rationalise that feeling thinking it was because she knew Ellie. The same gruff, grumpy attitude which melted with the smallest hint of genuine love & affection… Joel was only slightly more resistant to smiling than Ellie. But to see him smile today, that had been as special as seeing a reticent, traumatised kid slowly open up. As the teacher part of her retreated, leaving the Parent in a private moment with their Child’s art, the Woman part of Raina reminded her - ‘Joel Miller likes you so much, his brother was teasing him about it…’ 

Raina wondered if there would be a date or more… She had always garnered attention from the opposite sex but it was hard for her to believe it till things became physically evident. And even then, doubts would surface & unnerve her. 

Why was it so hard for her to believe when an objectively gorgeous, red-blooded, oh-so-masculine man was interested in her? Raina was nearing her 40s now & she was still affected by the culture when she was in her 20s & how it had led her to believe that she couldn’t possibly be desirable. 

The 90s were a strange decade to grow up in - the culture was all about ‘heroin-chic’ & no matter how much she dieted, Raina never understood how ‘nothing tastes as good as skinny feels’. Strange how despite everything that had happened in the last two decades, she hadn’t forgotten what a random supermodel has said - probably because she had bought into it, believed the skinny woman who was being paid millions of dollars to promote an unhealthy, unrealistic image of beauty. So much that it had coaxed her to hate herself. 

‘No… no.’, Raina convinced herself she was finally, FINALLY, okay with her healthy, very curvy body, that she should describe as the ‘butter & ghee’ chic. She wore shorts & crop tops in the summer, letting her soft belly feel the air felt fucking fabulous. She wore dresses now that she hadn’t been able to allow herself to wear in her 20s. 

Like today, the little number she wore made the men around her astutely aware of just how much power her body & her spirit held.

And yet, the voice of the culture, of how women are ‘supposed’ to look was still lodged somewhere in her psyche, like a piece of shrapnel. She wondered how she would ever get it out… maybe Joel could help with it. Min-Young had initially really helped her with that, before he fucked it up. They were once a couple. But after that, Raina had had an on-again, off-again kind of casual-ish thing with him. When he saw her leaving her room today, she realised now, he looked at her with ripe desire. He’d told her she looked good - which probably meant that he would try to start something up again, later that night. MinYoung had hurt her, but even today, with his little speech, he made sure Raina knew she was a great person.

She had slept with a lot of men… post-infection. But thankfully she no longer associated being chosen with being beautiful. She tried not to think about the heady high of being able to choose any man she wanted because they all wanted her… well, at least her body. Which is why she had to be sure of the kind of man she wanted. This life was hard as it is, she didn’t want to be hurt unnecessarily. She was happy, so so grateful for her life in Jackson, with her Washy Family. And yet, something about this beautifully gruff man made her want to change her amazing life. Extend her family, herself, to comfort him, love him, be a soft spot for him in this prickly world. 

Meanwhile, Joel had his heart full watching the painting of himself & Ellie walking out & away from Salt Lake City. He was now taking in the rest of the room, there were portraits that he didn’t recognise - a girl in a green headband, behind what seemed like a carousel captioned ‘Riley’. Some Portraits he did recognise - Sam, the little boy they had met in Kansas City. There were sketches of Kat, Maria, Ray & of course, there were multiple sketches of  Dina. 

Joel felt so much - he couldn’t recognise all of his own feelings. Ellie had grown up so much… she was going to fall in love, get married, have an exhibit of all her beautiful drawings?! Maybe teach a class? Maybe have a kid of her own someday? He didn’t know how it could go but he knew he’d like to be there for all of it. With her at his side…

Joel thought of Raina & it annoyed him how far she was standing from him. He appreciated the private moment he had with the painting but now he just wanted to pull her into his arms & listen to everything she had to say… It was strange, just how much she felt like his already. Joel called out to her but she was too deep in her thoughts as Joel walked over to her. He took a moment to admire her before he called her name again… Raina was yanked out of her pondering when Joel came close to her, to catch her attention. She apologised but Joel shook his head like he won’t have any of that… not today… he looked into her eyes, traces of tears still somewhat visible, “Thank you… for this… I had no idea Ellie was drawin’ again…”

Raina was genuinely happy, “Thank you… for everything…”

Joel whispered, “You… have no idea how much you… what all this… what it means to me…” There was a moment that both of them expected, they knew where it would take them if they let it… Joel looked at her & both of them felt the other’s breath hitch. He saw passion but also fear. That’s when he understood the mistake he’d made with her, with most of the women he’d come close to loving. He couldn’t do the same with her. He wouldn’t. He didn’t make his intention known. She needed to see that he hadn’t been helping her out of lust, with the intent of starting something in her school, behind closed doors, like it was a dirty secret. Raina, too loved his gaze on her but was she silently resolving to refuse Joel if he came on to her in this moment. Yes, she wanted his lust, sure, but only if it came with his love.  Joel moved toward her, sensing a fear, a sudden rigidity appear inside Raina. He would talk to her about it later. Now, he needed to show her. Joel opened the door of the classroom & held it for her. He was proud of himself for asking out this gorgeous, brilliant woman but when he understood that he hadn’t made his intention clear… it killed him that he’d already taken her for granted. That was part of the fear that she felt, the doubt he saw flicker in her eyes just now. 

Raina moved close to him as she left to the room, a quiet relief flooding her senses. Joel got a slight whiff of her fragrance… before he could even wonder whether the slightly musky, scent of rain was an actual perfume, she moved away, exiting the room. Ray walked ahead, expecting Joel to join her but he took another moment, to look at her… 

The wild blonde who made his heart ache… those big black eyes, that golden brown skin with all the tattoos that he wanted to trace over with his fingers… Joel couldn’t believe how intensely he longed to hold her… all of her… how much he wanted to be held by her. And to think of how she had given Ellie the space, the encouragement to pour out into her art… God knows that kid carried a burden but Raina’s guidance had helped to ease something within her, something had eased between the adoptive father & daughter duo - to think that Raina was at the centre of that, she was the reason - 

Joel couldn’t stop himself… 

Raina felt so good that Joel hadn’t walked toward her, to start something that seemed sort of illicit, hidden away. She had felt a strange kind of trust on this man & Joel Miller had proved her innate trust true & right. She had walked dangerously close to Joel, as she walked out of Ellie’s class. She breathed easy with the choice that Joel made, with the choice her heart had apparently already made. In the fraction of a second, she took in the musk & leather & horse scent on him and she wanted to stay there, pressed up to him, drinking it in… but of course that would be weird so she had been normal & walked ahead, hoping he would join her side… So she could wonder whether to let their hands touch as they walked but it was a minute before she felt him walk up to her & suddenly… Almost as if Joel couldn’t stop himself…

He reached out for her hand & pulled her close to him. For a fraction of a second even Joel himself was surprised at what he had done. He loved the little half gasp, half moan that had just escaped Raina’s lips, when he’d held her. It was as if his hands had a mind of their own, one hand wound itself around her waist, the other was slowly caressing her palm, guiding it to hold on to his neck. As she slowly accustomed herself to him, her hands on his shoulder and at the nape of his neck, Joel just breathed her in, unabashedly. His right hand joined his left, at her waist, softly brushing the small of her back. 

Raina felt pleasure, of course, but she also felt relief… she didn’t know what it was about but something inside her just surrendered to Joel. Perhaps it was the fact that he’d been ready to claim her out in the open & not just behind closed doors - a few metres & a doorway made all the difference in the world. She laid her head on his shoulders & breathed him in, letting it get to her head, her heart, letting it vibrate all the way to her core.

Joel whispered softly, “Raina…I… I shoulda told you before… I need you Raina… all of you… You’ve changed everything… I want… wanna know you, wanna love all of you… Raina, wanna build a life with you… if you would—” She held him close, tight & whispered one word that made it known that no more words were required, “Yes. Yes, Joel, Yes.” 

Part Five: The Crack

---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ----

That’s when Joel realised - just because these girls didn’t have a mother didn’t mean they didn’t experience love. It was miraculous, how kind & sweet they were. But it was because they had this gift - to see the love that everyone else gave them… 

It made Joel feel like Sarah’s kindness, her smile, her instinct to help people meant that she had love in her heart, in her life. She had Joel as her Dad. She had Uncle Tommy. For the first time since that fateful birthday in 2003, Joel realised he hadn’t completely failed Sarah… 

He felt warm & grateful for the kind of people who had helped Raina. The lawyer, who decided to adopt a blood-soaked little girl with a knife in her hand?! The grandfather who gave her the best name, who gave her purpose. The boy who loved her, Raman. Min Young & Lila & all the kids… 

He realised he owed a great debt to all these people, for having supported the woman that he loves. It was all too fast but he just knew. He did love her. That now, he had to carry their legacy ahead & love her well. Love her right. And suddenly it struck him - he had to get her back. 

As he put his shoes on, Joel realised he had tears in his eyes & a smile on his face. The sunlight hit his face resonating the truth of his life - What an honour, to be Sarah’s father. To be Ellie’s dad. To be Raina’s husband… that’s who he would be. That’s what he wanted.  

He walked toward the school. His feet turned that way before it made sense to his mind - that is where she would choose to go. Joel’s heart was squirming again, to think of Raina doubt what he would think, doubt his acceptance, his love. 

His heart jumped when he saw her at last, walking slowly, dragging herself toward the school building. He thanked God, Fate, the Universe, whatever power he could think of in that moment, for making him realise all that he had within a span of minutes.

Joel ran to catch up to her. 

Just before he caught up to her, Raina had been walking with doubt & grief weighing her down. It was hurting her, walking away from the place where she’d kissed Joel. Her Joelly. 

The voices in her mind caused a turbulence deep in her heart - 

‘Was it too soon to have told him?’

‘Why did her history have to be so horrific?’

‘Why did all of that happen to her?’ 

Raina knew ‘Why’ was the least helpful question at times like these. The least spiritual question. But she couldn’t out-manoeuvre her thoughts today. Her fists were balled up, trying to contain the rage of all her whys -  

‘Why did she have to tell Joel? She couldn’t have made anything up when he’d asked?’

‘Why burden him with her brutal fucking past?’

‘How could she go back now?’

‘Would he even look at her the same?’ 

‘He did want to comfort her… after she’d told him the entire thing but… was that out of love or sympathy?’

‘Did he pity her?’ 

That thought made her stomach turn - that’s how much she hated pity. She could stomach hate but not pity. She felt rage boil within her. She hated this - now it felt like she had rushed it, told him something so intimate, so important way too early & killed the tiny little light of the possibility of a relationship, of love, right in its crib.

‘That’s what you’ve always been - a killer.’ 

‘That’s all you’ll ever be.’ 

Raina despised this voice in her head. She wanted to punch someone.  

Just then, she felt someone suddenly come up behind her & grab her hand. Without thinking about it, Raina took a violent swing. 

Joel had run up to Raina & wanted to surprise her by holding her hand. But when he had reached out to touch her, Raina had turned with a terrifying left hook. Thankfully, Joel’s reflexes were sharper than he’d expected they would be after so long. 

He had ducked right in time, but he had felt a whoosh of air on his face that told him just how hard that punch would have landed. Within the fraction of that second, Raina realised what she’d done - almost punched Joel Miller, the man she’d almost professed her love to just this morning. 

Joel & Raina both yelled at the same time - “I’m sorry, I’m sorry!” 

Finally, they looked at each other. Joel looked relieved having blocked that punch. Raina looked terrified for having thrown it. Fresh tears swelled up in her eyes, when she saw his face. Joel smiled & tried to reassure his gorgeous & deadly woman, “Baby, baby… s’me…”

Raina rushed to him, “I’m so sorry… I was angry at myself… I’m so so sorry—”

Joel finally held her hand, “Raina, honey, you don’t have to be sorry…s’okay… happens to me all the time…” he was still heaving a little from trying to catch up to her. 

Raina bit her lip when she realised Joel had run after her, “You came to get me?” 

Joel nodded as he evened his breath out, “‘Course…” 

“Did you even think about everything I just—?” 

“Nothin’ to think about… ’ Joel said, ‘Now, please come home.’ 

Raina looked at him with surprise in those big black eyes, “Really?”

Joel nodded & looked at her like this was the easiest choice for him. He came close, beside her & whispered, “I just wanna know one thing…” 

“Anything…” Raina looked so sincere in her effort to make sure this relationship bloomed the way it could, Joel almost felt bad teasing her - 

“What was it you said this mornin’…  right before you bolted into the bathroom…?” 

Raina blushed & laughed. Joel smiled too. The two of them began to walk back home. 

{{}} {{}} {{}}

Raina asked about Joel’s back & insisted that he rest as they got back to his place. But even before the two could get their boots off, Joel kissed her, mid-sentence. 

This time, Raina was pressed up against the wall by the door, which he slammed shut with his foot. He had his gorgeous, massive hands in her hair, which he released from the claw clip that held them up. He pressed up against her again, loving how soft & warm she felt against his hardness. He nibbled at his spot of the corner of her lip, carefully, making sure not to hurt her too much in the same tender place. 

Raina felt his warmth, his worry of disappointing her, his need to love her through his kiss & reassured him through hers. 

She held his waist, his shoulders, his back & pulled him further into herself. Joel’s lips coaxed Raina’s to open up more so he could taste her once again. Joel’s hands travelled up, over the tight bodice of her dress, under his plaid shirt - that she’d buttoned all the way up. Joel waited for Raina to remind him to stop, to restrict him but she didn’t. When his hand stopped on her sides - just under her breasts, Raina pulled back from the kiss & looked at Joel. 

He was breathing heavy, with the passion of their kiss, but looked at her smiling, licking his lips to continue tasting her. She was glad to see it hadn’t changed - the way Joel saw her. He was slightly confused about why she’d stopped the kiss but there was the same adoring love in his eyes. Perhaps with an added depth, a quiet, reverence. 

Raina took Joel’s hand, nestled on her rib & guided it up, on her breast, letting him know it was okay for him to touch her wherever he wanted to. Both of them felt a twist of pleasure in their core. Despite all the layers she was wearing, he could feel how tender this part of her was. She felt warm in a gorgeous aching way, to have Joel’s strong hands on the softest of her curves. 

He began kissing her again. Joel moaned when she nibbled at his lower lip as he kneaded her breast, dragging the hem of her dress down so he could touch skin. He grabbed her closer by winding his other hand around her waist & while pushing himself even more into her. Soon enough, both of them felt his cock go from hard to stiff, pressing against his jeans, begging to be freed. 

Joel reminded himself to stop. He pulled away from the kiss slowly, gently. He eased his lips away from hers but not far, he kissed her chin, her jaw, her neck before laying his head on her shoulder. He brought his hands down to her sides, resting them on her on the beautiful curve of her hips. 

Raina stroked his head, “We don’t have to stop… if your back is alright…” 

Of course she’d noticed he wasn’t walking cautiously anymore, Joel thought. He moved to face her, a gentle smile on his face, “s’ day two, right?” Raina nodded with a smile. 

“I can hold off for two days…” Joel assured her. 

Raina bit her lip, “What if I can’t?” 

“Darlin’… only one of us is…” he ran both his hands up against the contour of her curves, “...temptation incarnate…” He looked at Raina with a smile & a dangerous hunger in his eyes. Joel took her hand & made her feel the stiff peak pressing against his jeans, “if I can hold off, I’m sure you can too…” 

Raina blushed furiously & pulled Joel into a hug. They melded together once more, kissing, nuzzling, loving on each other. His shirt was being an obstacle to the free movement of Joel’s hand over her body so he began unbuttoning it, “Why have you—” but the answer was clear the moment he opened the first two buttons of his shirt on Raina - the reddish pinkish marks of last night had bloomed into dark blue, almost purple spots on her golden brown skin. 

Raina began to soothe Joel before he began worrying, “Joel… it’s okay… it’s normal for hickeys—”

Joel stepped away from her, which made Raina tense but within a second, she saw Joel looking at her neck from a step away. Raina stood in the same spot & unbuttoned the rest of the shirt and slipped it off her shoulders, so Joel could see all the purple spots on her skin. 

Joel’s breath hitched for a second, when Raina slid the shirt off her shoulders. A mischievous smile spread over Joel’s face. His gaze kissed her neck but when Joel’s eyes met Raina’s, there was an assurance there - that she won’t be judged for the things she desired. She didn’t need to hide anything from him… ever again. Joel moved toward her again, “Does it— Do they hurt…? I don’— don’t really remember…” 

“No, baby, not at all…” Raina gently pressed into one of the two hickeys on his neck to show him just how harmless they were.  

Joel began to plant small, gentle kisses on all of the purple spots he’d given Raina. She stroked his back & explained, “It feels… like a map… all the places… where you let go… where we stopped the flow… of blood, where we stopped the flow of time… on my skin…” 

Joel looked at her adoringly, impressed with what she’d said, “Mmm… my sexually deviant poet…”

Raina chuckled at that. Joel kissed her jaw, her neck & breathed deep into the nook of her neck, “I should stop…” he whispered, more to himself than her. 

She held his face & made him look at her - “You don’t need to stop. That was just—”

“Just the first time you asked me for somethin…” Joel reminded her.

“You sure?”

“Course, Raina… s’ nothin… now, tell me what you wanna eat… Grilled cheese sound good?”

“You have cheese?!” Raina hadn’t had cheese in over a decade. 

“Baby, you’re with Joel Miller now. We got cheese, we got coffee…” he beamed. 

“Coffee?!” 

{{}} {{}} {{}}

Raina changed into another dark plaid shirt she found in Joel’s closet & her woolly socks. She skipped the boxer shorts this time (but assured Joel she was wearing her inners) which elicited a groan from Joel who told her she didn’t need to make the wait harder than it was. 

Raina had coolly propped herself on the kitchen counter then, all of her glorious thighs on full display, telling him that sounded very much like a him-problem. Joel had moved over to her, caressed her thighs, saying, “Goddamnit woman…” 

They kept kissing each other, with Joel’s cock serving as a sort of weathervane - telling them things were heating up. They blushed and slowly began to move away every time & yet didn’t stop coming back together to kiss once more. 

Raina sent Joel to check on Ellie & invite her for lunch with them as a way of letting her know that this was still very much her home. 

Joel looked confused, "I think she already knows that…?”

“The last time she came here was to check on you & ended up seeing both of us, in there, sleeping together… You’ve got to let her know its not Sin City up here… that she’s free to move about…”, Raina explained. 

“I mean it is kinda Sin City… not that I mind…” 

“I’ll wear pants, Miller, God!” Raina rolled her eyes. 

Joel came over and slid his hand up her thighs once again while he kissed her, “Well, then, I have to do this again…” 

Raina’s version of Chilli was on the stove & she prodded Joel away to leave because she needed to watch it. Reluctantly, Joel let go of her & left to get Ellie. 

There was a knock on the door in a few moments which Raina assumed was Joel. She turned off the flame & brought up a spoon of the chilly to her lips to cool down for him to taste. She opened the door & offered the spoon - realising half a second too late - that it wasn’t Joel at the door at all. 

Min Young stood at the door with a large suitcase. He had noticed Raina’s not-so-conspicuous absence from home & school & had got her some of the essentials she needed to live. He meant it as a sweet gesture but something nasty was triggered in him when he saw her in Joel’s shirt, marked with brutal hickeys all over her neck & probably lower... 

“You don’t waste any time, do you?” Min remarked. 

Raina held the spoon down & stepped behind the door to cover her pants-less-ness & still she looked a bit scary, annoyed at this comment, “Really? That’s what you wanna go with? After all the sorries, and the ‘I just want you to be happy”s?!” 

Min raised his hands, “I’m sorry- I’m sorry it just slipped out… with all the…” he gestured to Raina’s hickeys. When she went to button them up, Min helped with the spoon in her hand. He tasted the Chilli, “Mmmm… not bad… little too hot though, you sure you’re boyfriend will be able to take it?” 

Raina sneered at him, confused about his strange brashness “Have you come here to make me hate you again?!” 

Min really did look apologetic the next second. That’s part of what made them so good together - the way they could switch. There were moments in their once-amazing-relationship where it was a sort of seamless flow, like they didn’t need words to communicate… before Min let his insecurities get the better of them. 

He composed himself for the sake of those perfect times, “I thought… you might need some… essentials… y’know, like pants…” Raina couldn’t help but chuckle. But she tried to control it by pulling her lips in. Min couldn’t be making comments like this anymore if he expected to be part of her life with. She composed her face, “Min… that’s… thank you… but I haven’t yet spoken to Joel or Ellie about… moving in—”

This seemed to make him happy, “And you’re still wearing a bra, so… that means you… haven’t actually had sex yet! Wait, is it the bad back or bad—”

Raina began to close the door on him but Min blocked her with a parade of sorries once again. She was really getting angry now & slightly worried because it won’t be great to have Joel & Ellie walk up to see her & Min arguing in their doorway. 

Min explained himself, “You just called Casablanca & left… really… you didn’t even look back once… just like Ingrid—”

“I’m not Ingrid Bergman & Joel’s not that dusty ass husband guy & you, Min Young, for sure as shit, are NOT Humphrey Boggart. So stop with the self pity. I’m betting you didn’t tell Lila what you were doing because she would’ve stopped you. I’m not dead, Min. I’m literally down the road! I looked back plenty for you & you were not ready… remember that? Remember crying about not being ready? I was ready for something real back in 2005! And I’ve finally, finally found someone who’s also ready…”

Min was trying to hint at something but Raina couldn’t stop mid-rant. Min tried to shift her mood by pointing to something on his right as he fake-cheerfully said, “Yes, they’re ready… for lunch!” 

Of course it was Ellie & Joel. Surprised to see Min Young & a large suitcase at their doorstep, arguing with pants-less Raina, holding a spoon like a knife for some reason. 

Thankfully, Ellie interjected, “Are you gonna stab him with a spoon?! That… would be cool…” 

Joel immediately reprimanded, “Ellie get in.” 

“Adults really do have drama…” Ellie commented as she went in, smiling. Raina began to explain but Min Young interrupted her saying, “I came to drop her stuff off.” 

Min got the signature Joel Miller glare of anger, “Oh, I heard everythin’…” Joel said as he kept glaring at Min Young but addressed Raina, “Darlin'… is Min Young stayin' for lunch?” 

Raina promptly replied, “No.” 

Joel snapped a quick, “See you around…” to Min Young & lifted the massive suitcase with one hand as he got into his house.

“I’ll lay some pants out on the bed.” Joel whispered to Raina & she nodded, completely embarrassed. Joel went in without a word, leaving his woman to deal with the man who wasn’t allowed in. 

Raina felt bad about how this all turned out but she had to remind herself it wasn’t her responsibility. Min looked at her with his hurt-puppy eyes. It had been a long road for them & while he theoretically understood Raina’s emotions, he couldn’t help but feeling a sense of grief he hadn’t felt before. When it came to her, he couldn’t help… a lot. Raina knew it too but she’d been hurt by those puppy eyes too many times. 

“There was a better way of doing this, Min. I’ll… I’ll see you later.” Raina said. Min Young walked away & she shut the door. 

{{}} {{}} {{}}

Raina, finally wearing pants, sat across the table from Joel & Ellie, waiting for them to finish their meal. She couldn’t eat because her stomach was in knots but she’d made them some spicy chicken with Chilli & Rice. Ellie had praised her cooking thrice already. She was trying to get a moment in edgewise but both were so engrossed with the food, it made her wonder what they’d been eating this whole time. 

Finally, when Ellie finished her second helping, Raina drew attention to the topic she’d been waiting to discuss. 

“So… First off, I’m sorry you both had to see… that. Min Young brought some things for me… pre-emptively… I didn’t ask for them to be… delivered like that…” Raina suddenly found herself unable to form coherent sentences & speak them like a normal human. The father & daughter duo who’d stayed together the last four years was strangely intimidating for her. 

Both Ellie & Joel looked like they were waiting for Raina to come to her point. Both knew her enough by now to not interrupt her. 

“I don’t wanna assume… just because… you know, we have this… & I’ve not left the house for 2 days now… except for that short walk…” Raina was getting frustrated with herself. 

Ellie was still waiting for the point to arrive, like a diligent student. But Joel finally understood something was wrong when Raina sighed & buried her face in her palms. 

He instinctively said, “Baby... what is it?” 

Ellie whipped around to look at Joel with a look of surprise. Joel smiled a little & accepted her look of shock. 

Raina chuckled at this little interaction, “I just… I hope I’m not… like, barging into your family…” 

Both of them had the same quizzical look on their faces after Raina said that. She had to explain further, “You know… with the bag… as if I’m moving in…” 

“I thought you are moving in…” Ellie asked 

“You tol’ me to get the bag in…?” Joel asked too. 

“Yeah but I didn’t ask either of you… & Min just got the bag…” Raina tried to understand what their confusion was about. 

“Ask us what?” Ellie asked, genuinely trying to understand. 

Raina was getting annoyed about how neither of them understood that Min had created an awkward situation for her by overstepping civil boundaries & just getting a huge bag of her stuff in their home. Raina wanted to have a conversation with Joel & Ellie about how things were going to go. 

“Oh my god guys… its not polite to just get your stuff to someone’s home without asking them first…” Raina explained, still trying to keep calm. 

Joel was still not getting it but Ellie, mercifully, understood & turned to Joel sternly, “Joel, did you not tell her to stay?” 

Joel looked at both women, “I- I did!” 

“No… not while making out & stuff…” Ellie didn’t like that image but went on “… did you make it liveable for her… like did you get her a toothbrush?” 

Joel was starting to get the point, “Oh. No I didn’…” 

Ellie shook his head at Joel like she couldn’t believe him. She explained to Raina, “Joel is… um… I truly don’t know how he survived pre-outbreak… but he would very much like for you to come live with him…” 

Raina smiled, “I wanted to ask you too”, she told Ellie. 

“Oh, Ray, you’d be doin’ me a huge favour. He could use some… human company… He’s old & he doesn’t sleep well & he doesn’t have any friends…” Ellie told Raina, oblivious to Joel being in the room. 

Raina laughed. Joel glared at Ellie who didn’t look at him but changed her tune a bit, “But… he can reach the high shelves & open jars… & he’s great at woodwork, you’d like that—” 

Joel stepped in, smiling, “Thank you Ellie, for that glowin’ recommendation.” He looked at Raina, a little embarrassed, “Raina… I’m sorry I didn’t… make arrangements but I— we… would love for you to make this your home too…” 

Raina blushed. Ellie rolled her eyes & said, “Okay… its officially too mushy in here for me… Ray, welcome home. Please keep making this kinda food, maybe teach Joel there are other ingredients than cheese, bacon & coffee…” She began to leave but Joel “Ellie-d” her into helping him clean up. 

As Ellie & Joel cleared the table & did the dishes, Raina sat on the table trying not to grin like a fool. 

{{}} {{}} {{}}

 Later that afternoon, Raina watched as Joel shifted his sparse plaid shirt & jean collection around & put Raina’s clothes in the closet, with his. She’d scooped out her favourite dark green sweatshirt & pjs & changed into them. Joel reminded her that thats what she was wearing when he first saw her… Raina had caressed his stubble then & teasingly asked if he knew what he was made of. Joel didn’t really understand that question & had answered, “I dunno… skin…?” 

To which Raina had replied, “No, Joel, you’re made of boyfriend material…” 

Joel had tried to suppress his blush just repeating, “No… just, no.”  But he couldn’t hide his smile in front of Raina, especially as she peppered his face with kisses. Later he’d brought her a plate of just the Chilli & insisted she eat it as she watched him arrange their clothes. She had to softly fight him with pecks to his cheeks just to keep the plate back herself once she was done.

Appetite satiated and with her man right in front of her, beaming at her, fascinated by her post-apocalyptic fashion choices, Raina didn’t even realise when she drifted into sleep. 

When she awoke, she didn’t know what time it was. The sun seemed to be setting & there was a note beside her in a scribbly writing she would come to recognise as Joel’s - Gone to get some supplies. Be back soon. She didn’t like being alone… on his bed… so she yawned & yelled his name out, “Joelllly!” 

She wasn’t expecting a reply but it boomed from the bathroom, “In here! But wait, don’ come in here…” Raina didn’t understand what was happening, “Joelly…?” 

She didn’t get a response but after a few moments he said, “Okay… I’m done… Come in here…” 

Raina didn’t understand why she was being invited to the bathroom & the daze of a late afternoon nap was too strong for her brain to comprehend things properly, so she just whined again, “Joeeeelllly…”

Joel came out to their bedroom looking grumpy but he couldn’t help but smile when he saw her, “Cranky napper, huh?” 

Raina sat up, “Mmmm yeah… sorry… don’t let me sleep in the afternoon, Joelly…” 

Joel switched from grumpy to sweet too fast with her. Then again, he didn’t really have a choice, “Alrigh’, I won’…” 

Raina laid back on the bed & raised both her hands, inviting him to join her. When she raised her hands, her sweatshirt was pulled up & Joel saw a small part of her midriff again. Just the way he had when he’d first seen her. Except this time, Raina didn’t get conscious & cover up the little skin that was showing. This time… she was lying on his bed, opening her arms to him. Joel couldn’t contain his smile. He climbed on to the bed but instead of her arms he went close to her waist, that plush, unbelievably sexy, belly she had just bared to him. Raina was surprised to see him look at her muffin top with such reverence. He stopped right before he touched her sweatshirt there & looked up for permission, with childlike delighted eyes. Raina nodded yes to her man & Joel instantly pushed her sweatshirt all the way up, & lay down on her belly. A satisfied groan escaped his lips. One that reverberated in Raina’s core too. Raina shifted a few pillows to get a good look at him. She could feel his breath beginning to match hers. Joel looked like he was resting, after a long, long time. Raina stroked his hair. She thought about the right thing to say at this moment, to tell Joel what she had backed off from telling him this morning - that she is falling in love with him. 

While she is debated, Joel began peppering kisses to her belly, which made all coherent thought fly out of her brain. He held her waist & looked up at Raina, with his chin now resting on her plush skin. 

“You made me realise somethin’ today” Joel said, his tone deeper than she expected, “I always felt bad that me n’ Tommy... we lost our Mama too soon… maybe that was because we’d had her love & then close to nothin’ from our Pop… and when Nina left, I thought Sarah would also feel the same… the same void… but… she wasn’t like me… bare knuckles, bloody bones… she was sweet & kind… & yeah it woulda been nice if she had a mother too but… she did have love… she had me n’ Tommy n’ friends… n’ her teachers loved her… so… maybe I didn’t fail her…” 

Tears swam in Joel’s eyes but he buried his face in Raina’s belly to wipe them off. He took a deep breath & she didn’t stop stroking his hair. This is probably how she was different than she was with Min Young too - she was not in a hurry to fix him, or in a hurry to prove herself & her love to him. Here, with Joel, Raina just was… And everything that was supposed to be was also just happening… almost as if on its own. She knew how long a road it must have been for Joel to come to finally accept Sarah’s death as an accident, to accept how he didn’t have control - that all he had was here & now. 

Here & now, lying on Raina’s midriff, the sacred place of her womb, kissing her navel, Joel felt a sudden desire to make life… on purpose, with his Raina. He hadn’t even known that he had been waiting with bated breath for this woman to finally arrive in his life. And now that she had, he wanted to expand life itself… with her, within her… Joel couldn’t contain the sheer joy he felt in that moment & just bit Raina’s belly softly. Raina laughed & pinched his cheek. The first time he’d felt that since Joel was a kid. The comfort, the safety & the afterglow of being loved. 

Even Brishti was relieved to hear he was on his way. The two of them shared a special bond. It wasn’t about being asians, being foreigners in England, it wasn’t even about being librarians. The tie that Brishti and Yoongi shared was the feeling of abandon, of exclusion. Of never having been loved right. Of being rejected by a world whose love they wanted to rule over but also rebel against. And yet, when Yoongi arrived, Brishti couldn’t share everything with him. She sat with her head hung low. Sayuri-San left for work letting them both know she would cover for them. 

She also said to Brishti,“You’ve said many times that everything you’ve ever done has led you to Namjoon. That is not so. This is - everything you have ever done… trying to protect your freedom, your solidarity from everyone who has tried to control you, this is who you truly are… free. And this… this has led to the moment of perfect clarity. Stepping out of that house... that is the Brishti you have built for yourself. And if you do nothing else today, just… be proud of that.”

Brishti raised her head to look at Sayuri-san. In her eyes she saw regret… She saw that Sayuri-san wasn’t able to do the right thing for herself. That so many of us are so shaped by violence, we can’t even recognise it. Brishti held Sayuri-san’s hands in her own and pressed in a warm touch that said thank you. 

When she was gone, Min Yoongi asked, “How are you feeling?” 

Brishti had retreated into her shell again. She answered nonetheless, “Crazy… I feel crazy…”

“Will you please look up?” he asked patiently. 

“I don’t want you to judge him… I know… I know this is not okay. That’s why I left but… this is not who he is. I know every woman says the same thing but I-” Brishti broke off crying.

“Brishti… did you get any sleep? You’re going to hurt your eyes crying so much...”

“Yeah…” Brishti wiped her tears, still not looking up. Yoongi placed a hand on her arm, telling her silently - he’s here. He’s here for her. Brishti raised her head and brushed her hair back. Yoongi could see the light greyish greenish bruises on her cheek and the darker purple bruise on her neck. When she saw his gaze lingering on her neck, tears streamed down her face again and she began to explain, “He... he removed his hand as soon-” 

Yoongi interrupted her, “I’m no one to judge him… not about his worst actions.” He rolled up the sleeves of his blue shirt. Brishti had seen the scars on Yoongi’s arms but she knew he was alot more than the jagged, lighter-than-skin lines, protruding just slightly. She understood… This is what he was telling her. Namjoon was not his worst actions, the physical wounds he had inflicted either. Brishti smiled. Yoongi rolled down his sleeve as Brishti placed her hands on his arms, just like he had done a moment ago. They hugged as Brishti wept on her friend’s shoulders. Partly because of the kindness that flowed out of the usually prickly young man. Yoongi said, while stroking Brishti’s hair, “You did the right thing… you did…” He patted her head before pulling away,  “Now stop crying. You look like a banged-up Vietnamese boxer…” 

Brishti let out a half-chuckle before settling back. “I… I don’t want to talk about how it all happened…”

Yoongi nodded, “We don’t have to… What… how can I help?”

Brishti shook her head, out of her wits, “Can we talk about… something normal?... I’m not trying to overlook-”

Yoongi stopped her again, “Hey…You don’t have to justify anything… trying to overlook would have meant you staying with him… pretending like nothing happened. You didn’t do that, did you?” He waited for Brishti to look at him and answer. She could only manage to shake her head no while more tears streamed down her face. Yoongi went on - “You did the right thing. You left. And I’m not saying this as- as an end to your relationship… It's more like... a problem. A big problem. You did your part… by leaving, you said NO, this will not do. The rest of the solution… it needs to come from him.”

She seemed genuinely surprised, “You don’t think… you don’t think this is the end?”

He was emphatic, “Haah! Nooo… this is the Namjoon you’ve been biting my head off about... how adorable he is, how brilliant he is, how sweet he is… I believe you. It’s the same guy… he’s just… in a bit of hot water. How he holds up… we have to see.”

Brishti smiled. Yoongi smiled too, not just in reciprocation. He was truly happy to see her smile. She’d always known his grumpy disposition was just a facade, but beneath it lay such a large reservoir of soft love, Brishti was just finding out. 

He was back in a flash though, when he said,“Come on now you need to sleep... you look like a fisherman who has an allergy to fish.”

Brishti laughed and once again tears streamed down her face. Yoongi gave her an assuring smile and wiped off her tears with his sleeve. He got her to go to sleep. And Brishti did sleep, for the first time in days… without her husband beside her.

Back at what was their home, Namjoon woke up dazed. It hurt him to see her reflected in every little thing here… the distance between the coffee table and the sofa, adjusted to her height, so she could rest with her legs stretched; The bookshelf that she was always, endlessly arranging; The little Bengali and Korean alphabets she had painted along the doorway of their bedroom; The way, in place of photoframes, she had proudly displayed what few poems he had shown her on the mantle. He couldn’t breathe here, knowing he had driven the soul of this home away. When he finally got out of the flat, he saw that it wasn’t dawn as he was assuming, it was another evening. 

He’d lost count of days for the first time in his life and he found himself more and more disoriented. He had to try to walk straight, for some reason. His head felt like it almost wasn’t there, sight felt unreliable.  And then it hit him - a fragrance. Nothing he’d call delicious when he was a child. But right now, this was the most exquisite aroma in the world - someone around this strange place is making seaweed soup… more specifically, Miyeok Guk. For reasons beyond his understanding at that moment, his feet led him towards the aroma. 

When he finally reached the source of the fragrance, Namjoon could recognise that he wasn’t in a proper place… one with walls made of material that is not cloth or tarp or whatever this weird mesh of materials was. That’s the last thing he thought before collapsing in the not-proper place.The fact that Namjoon could think, that he could still process thought, was a marvel in itself because he had been hungry for three days now. It was almost like his body had brought him to a place of food. Unfortunately, that place was a hippie camp by the side of a road.

When Namjoon came to, he saw a beautiful young woman with porcelain skin and flame-coloured hair and deep set green eyes leaning over him. When she saw him opening his eyes, she greeted him, “Annyeonghasseo.” Namjoon was horrified - and only a little bit at her pronunciation of Korean. His mind was telling him he was either dead or hallucinating because the white girl seemed to be speaking Korean to him. That’s when he heard the person who was teaching her. Someone with a sweeter, deep voice laughed a mousy laugh and spoke in perfect Korean, “She’s still beginning but she’ll learn fast… how are you feeling?” 

Namjoon sat up and the girl with the orange hair gave him some room. He wasn’t in the hippie camp anymore. This was a place with proper walls but judging from the abundance of incense sticks and dreamcatchers and windchimes, he was still in hippie company. The aroma was a bit different now but he instantly caught the familiar kimchi smells of home here too. There was also daylight. 

Namjoon forgot about his troubles just for a second as he stared at the face of the man approaching him. This man was the most attractive person he had ever seen in real life. He was miles and miles more beautiful than the green-eyed girl. Who now had her arms around the demi god with the broadest shoulders and gave a brief peck to the most gorgeous lips known to mankind. 

He realised, for the first time, what Brishti meant when she spoke about sexuality as being a spectrum. The thought about Brishti brought back all the memories and the most recent incident. He felt the weight of his actions on his heart again. The gorgeous man finally introduced himself, “I’m Jin… well, Kim Seokjin to you. Are you feeling better?” 

“I’m confused… but yes, I feel better. Did you-”

“You collapsed… but we woke you up with an onion. Then you ate. Why did you let yourself go that hungry… you don’t seem poor.” Seokjin smiled. 

“I’m- thank you so much, Seokjin-ssi” Namjoon bowed low as he thanked Seokjin in Korean. 

“Ahhh no need to be so formal. Call me Jin.” Seokjin said, trying to put Namjoon at ease. He could see his compatriot was troubled. “Come on, I’ve made kimchijeon… Tell me what happened.” 

Over food that wasn’t his favourite and yet distinctly belonged to his home tastes, Namjoon spoke to Jin, about his troubles. Some people have a presence that is disarming, that seems to sound a homing beacon. They break down guards that were built up for years. Jin was that person for Namjoon. When he began speaking, he didn’t start with Park Jimin & the discrimination case. He didn’t even begin with Brishti. He began to talk about how excited he was to come home to show his mother the poem he wrote… that was going to be read aloud to the whole school. Even he was surprised by his own story. 

The two men walked along the Thames, reminiscing about their own river, Han. This is where Namjoon recalled another river… the Ganga. He told Jin how Brishti spoke about it. “She… She said the Ganga floods and destroys during the rains, that she is furious and still, the people whose homes she has destroyed, they call Ganga their mother… They still worship her. That’s where she comes from… a place that worships the forest and the river. That’s what she did for me too… She saw me beyond the word ‘husband’... beyond the word, ‘man’... even though she is so afraid of men. I saw her fear when she spoke about the men in her life and then… instead of loving her… I--” Namjoon’s voice cracked. Jin’s silence soothed him. Namjoon wondered aloud if breaking a mirror could break his Self. Because that’s what he wanted to do. 

Jin listened and repeated Namjoon’s speech to himself, with only one addition - Kindness. In Jin’s retelling, Namjoon was a poet who was being poisoned from not writing, a soft heart stuck in a thorny system. Jin knew how that felt.

The two men spoke about the burden of responsibility and making family proud. Jin had felt a deep stab in his heart when his mother had been quiet around her friends bragging about their sons. Both men spoke about the different paths they took from that feeling of being a disappointment - Namjoon did everything he could to please them while Jin did everything he could to please himself. They were reflections of each other in their experience of the abyss that the compulsion of “Being a Good ManTM ” had thrown them in; Seemingly, stuck in a bad advertisement of what it means to be masculine - either stable, responsible or rough, careless - and never, ever, feeling. They laughed about their own performances of masculinity until tears streamed down their eyes; 

Eyes swollen from sleeping so much, hair unwashed & frizzy, Namjoon laughed heartily until he stopped. Until he said, in his native tongue, “I never told anyone this… I left my country because I was angry… I would have snapped in half, if I had to bow any more. It wasn’t a sign of respect anymore for me… bowing was breaking my spine…” 

Jin understood what Namjoon meant. He saw a man who tried to escape but got trapped in a wider, more punishing trap. Namjoon went on, his words thick with rage poured out like lava, “And now, the one thing, the only person who saw me with loving eyes… I had the audacity to lay a hand on her… I’m so… angry… I want to cut off my hands and… and I can’t even do that…” 

Jin felt Namjoon’s blistering tears fall from his own eyes. Neither of their tears were tears of laughter anymore. He took a deep breath, wiped his tears off and said, “Namjoon-ah, 

They spoke about how their paths could have criss-crossed a thousand times before they finally did - Namjoon was the lost wanderer and Jin the young man that had finally found his own path - using his golden face and voice to protest the injustice being wrought over the Vietnam War. That’s what Jin was doing in the hippie tent in South Kensington, by the Embassy of South Korea. From their own personal struggles, the two men spoke about the collective struggles that the youth of South Korea was facing, how it was such a gross miscarriage of justice that Korean men were sent over to either murder or be murdered by their asian brothers in Vietnam. 

What had begun as Korean Spiced Pancakes, went on to chips and ale in a local pub and ended back at Jin & Emma’s free-loving abode. At the end of the night, Namjoon was smiling again. As they said their goodnights, Namjoon made Jin smile wide when he said, “Thank you, Jin-Hyung.” 

Sitting across from each other after that fateful evening, Namjoon and Brishti were both wide awake in the early hours of the next morning. Brishti buttoned up the shirt they never fully took off. Namjoon had tickled her with his toes. They propped their feet against the other’s to see just how vast the difference was (he melted seeing how small her feet were and hadn’t stopped playing with them since). Caressing each toe, he remembered something he wanted to ask -

“How did you know what Saranghae is?”

“Mm…” she stretched her arms, “I know what it means…” Brishti said.

“I know you know… from the way you… after I said it… You asked Yoongi about it?” Namjoon cautiously asked about the only other Korean Brishti knew. To his surprise, she nodded no, still denying him any information. Namjoon had to tickle her foot for the answer.

“Okay! Okay! Wait! Pleeeease!” Namjoon stopped and Brishti bent down to the bureau next to her bed and pulled out a textbook - LEARN HANGUL THROUGH ENGLISH. Namjoon looked more shocked than she had expected. “I asked Yoongi about the book-”

“You don’t need to Rim… I’m not learning Bangla, am I?” Namjoon said. He was touched but he didn’t want his love to do anything he couldn’t reciprocate.

“I would have asked you to learn it… if I wrote poetry in my mothertongue...” Brishti said. Namjoon was shocked. She went on, “You really think I didn’t know?”

Namjoon blushed and smiled and flopped over in Brishti’s lap. She brushed his hair as she explained, “You light up at the mention of lyrics and poetry, you keep a notebook by your side at all times, you’re moved by the things that people usually don’t pay attention to… I know you’re a poet, Joonie.”

Namjoon looked up at her and said, “No one has ever called me that…”

Brishti leaned down and kissed her gorgeous husband. “You are... From what I know, I bet all my books that you are a great one... And… I… I would love nothing more than to be part of your world of words, Joonie… It must be strange… to be understood but in a foreign language. If you would let me, I want to understand you in your language… Do you think that’s something maybe--”

He got up and all but jumped on Brishti, pinning her down to the bed with the cutest puppy-yell she had ever heard. “Yes! Of course, yes!”

They both understood that this was a proposal. The truest kind - a gentle request to explore Namjoon’s universe. They would later joke about how she proposed to him after a month of being married. Namjoon was completely delighted by this person with him, his person… one who really saw him.

He pulled her to him saying, “You’re the best part of my world, Rim...” and kissed her.

Each moment of love flowed through the next. When they had to be separated, they couldn’t wait for the next one, their moment again. On weekends they would visit museums and find their favourite paintings and sculpture or their favourite prehistoric relic and animal. Brishti hated the fact that Namjoon had to work overtime to compensate for these weekends and she often voiced how unfair it was.

In response Namjoon would just give her a peck and say, “As long as I have you, I’m happy.” This pricked her but she was too taken by the man before her to pay heed to it.

Namjoon was just about able to keep a straight face at work but everyone around Brishti was acutely aware of how much she loved Namjoon.

At one point, her colleague and best friend, Min Yoongi had yelled at her, “Yhaaaaa! Stop blushing?! It’s just a clock… what could be romantic about a clock?!” Sayuri-san, and she were hanging around Yoongi’s table when Brishti looked at his new flip clock and started blushing.

Brishti laughed along with everyone else but explained, “It’s involuntary… that’s what happens when you’re married to a poet.”

Sayuri-san corrected, “I know too many wives of poets to know that’s not necessarily true… It is true though, when you’re in love with a poet… Go on… tell us how exactly poet Namjoon makes you blush about a clock...”

Brishti blushed even more at that. Yoongi rubbed his arms and demanded, “Tell us because there’s some really weird things coming to my mind… like you guys have an exact time when...”

Brishti stopped his imagination, “No no no… it’s nothing like that… he loves digital clocks... because he loves to watch the time turn to 00:00… zero o’clock he calls it… and on days he feels sad, it’s like zero o’clock is always there to comfort him… like it’s a point when the whole world holds its breath and he can feel happy again… but these days… with me… he said he wants the clock to keep going after 23:59… he wishes time would stretch on… beyond 24:01…”

Yoongi sighed and sat back down, “You’re making me fall in love with Namjoon… ahhh that is beautiful. He should be published...”

“Imagine him saying this directly to you and you might know how I feel… I can’t stop talking about him...”

“Oh, we know. But honestly none of us care… your poet-librarian romance is getting us through our single-ness.” Yoongi reassured her.

The three of them continued to talk about the ways in which Brishti could repay Namjoon’s wordsmithing in graphic ways.

It was that evening, wasn’t it, when Namjoon had enveloped her back in the warmest hug as soon as he’d entered their flat. Brishti was in the kitchen when she heard him enter but hadn’t expected this. He kissed her neck while telling her the good news, “We got our first Korean client today… because of me… Mmmm… Why do you always smell so amazing?”

Brishti turned around and hugged him again, “That’s amazing! Namjoon-ssi! I’m so proud of you!”

“He’s from a wealthy family… so he can actually afford our firm… its not exactly the work I wanted to do--”

“It is a step toward that idea, right? It’s still good work, fighting for justice?” Brishti asked, stopping him from undermining his own work.

Namjoon nodded, “Yeah… He’s a dancer… Park Jimin. All the posh types know him as one of the best dancers in the Royal Ballet. They call him Jim… as if it’s too difficult to say Jimin?” Namjoon shook his head in disapproval. He began helping Brishti with the chopping and continued, “He was born in the UK and trained since he was 5... He got into the Royal Ballet but he’s been passed up to be a principal over and over even though everyone who has seen him dance apparently knows that he’s far far better… So recently he spoke to the director there... and of course the director made a racist slur and asked not to bother him with this again. He can’t even quit and work at another company because of the contract they have him on. There’s a non compete clause… meaning he won’t be able to dance with any other company. That’s all he wants… to be able to get out of that contract… I’m hoping to convince him to press charges on racial discrimination too. We’re not in the 20s anymore.”

When Brishti didn’t respond, Namjoon looked up at her. “That’s horrible… I’m so so glad you’re taking up the case. But please tell me what you ate when you were alone?” He looked down at the carrot he’d been failing to cut.

Namjoon scrunched his nose and admitted, “Canned food mostly.”

Brishti said, “I’m really really glad you’re getting to do work that you are passionate about, Joonie, you deserve it. Now, you should know how to cut a carrot.”

Namjoon pressed up against Brishti’s back. She reached back up to the nape of his neck and made him moan into her. Then… then Namjoon made her forget how to cut carrots.

He had these ways… Namjoon, with his touch, his voice, his languages both spoken and soundless. He was lighting new paths into her self. She loved learning him. Paths she didn’t know existed, that she’d been longing for.

The scars of the loneliness, emptiness that Namjoon had experienced had turned his longings into a kind of starvation. He needed to be nourished and also devoured. Brishti was just the creature to do it. He could feel her warm fingers trace rows of pleasure onto his skin. He felt them bear down and singe when the two of them had to move away from each other. He felt those ropes tug at him as the end of his workday neared. Namjoon closed his eyes each night at her touch, the feeling and fragrance of her body. He felt blooms of intimacy spring up like seedlings out of the soil of his skin. And deeper. In the earth of his soul. So he did the only thing he could. Reciprocate. Namjoon sowed his love, his desire, his need onto her, into her every night.

There were times, though, when she would feel his absence in the middle of the night and see him working in the dim light of a lamp. She knew he had to work hard to do what he wanted but she also saw he had to continually prove himself to people who weren’t even paying attention. The reason they weren’t paying attention was painfully clear to Brishti but she was yet to experience it’s full stab.

Namjoon wanted to shield her from it. He was counting on an armour that didn’t exist anymore to protect himself and his wife… the reason he liked his life again. Whenever she came out and switched on a brighter light, reprimanding him for straining his gorgeous eyes, he saw that it did prick her - this world and the unfairness he had to endure. She would say something small, an almost-complaint that alerted him… against her for some strange reason. She would say something that would be easy to ignore and yet would prick him, like - “I don’t know why they haven’t promoted you yet.” or “Why haven’t they taken up Jimin’s case yet? You’ve worked so hard on it.” Everytime she did that, he would have to pacify himself.

‘I’ve told her so much about the Jimin case… she’s just really invested’ Namjoon thought to himself. Just so he would avoid thinking, ‘I shouldn’t have told her.’

He would have to calm himself, give her a peck and try to convince her to stop worrying. “As long as I have you, I’m happy.” Namjoon would always say.

Then, Brishti smiled as she always did. While trying to understand why that sentence bothered her so much. After almost five months of exploring this wonderful man, some part of him still felt unfamiliar… like it didn’t fit in with the rest. Still, these things take time, she had heard from so many women over the years. Besides, she was blessed with a man far far above the norms. So, how could she prod? These are things Brishti had told herself - until the night she couldn’t stay silent.

The couple was coming up on their fifth month together and Park Jimin had gifted Namjoon a ticket to the final show of the season as a token of gratitude, for having heard his story.

Brishti was nervous about going to this kind of a gathering and had told her husband to meet her there.

She had enlisted the help of Sayuri-san to look appropriate for the event. Her slightly longer hair was clipped and her eyes were kohled. She wore a burgundy knee length fringe-ended dress that she had received from her gracious host, stylist and make-up artist - an inheritance of her brilliant life tucked into the black pearl beading and deco design. It was a big departure from the usual tie-die or band tees and jeans with her baggy coat. She had carried the coat but felt this strange sort of compulsion to stand in the cold air in the noodle strap dress, for him to see her.

She felt butterflies in her stomach and kept fiddling with the coat she had draped over her arm. It was electric when she saw him.

Namjoon looked gorgeous in a tux. All of Brishti’s nerves were soothed just by looking at him. He had brushed his hair back. Tall and dashing - better than any heathcliffe could ever be. And with his reading glasses, he looked like the lead of a romance novella that would make all the women swoon. Indeed she was swooning. Brishti was suddenly warm in the chilly, windy night. And when Namjoon saw her, blood rushed to her cheeks. Everything inside her was running helter skelter in a panic. Brishti felt everything drop in the few moments it took for Namjoon to reach the top of the stairs. Dolled up like this, outside of her element, she felt like an imposter. Some angel needed to be standing in her place. For the first time, feigning beauty, Brishti felt like she wasn’t worthy of her husband.

She was finally able to keep her feelings aside when he reached her.

Namjoon kissed her palm like a gentleman and whispered in her ear, “Let’s go home… I need a private kind of dance…” Brishti blushed. Namjoon put his arm around her and felt the chill that had settled on her skin. “Aren’t you cold? Why didn’t you wear the coat?” Namjoon asked. Brishti just shook her head no and the two of them walked in.

Brishti assumed that the ballet would be a welcome distraction from the storm that brewed within her. She had read up about the show, the piece they were going to perform -

Tchaikovsky’s venerated Swan Lake. The story of a young girl who falls in love with a prince who promises to save her but fails. Ofcourse there were finer nuances to the story but this was the basic plot. As the lights dimmed, Brishti felt pulled in by the music, the eerie beauty of it’s melody played in perfectly with the questions that were swirling around in Brishti’s mind -

Why do I feel wrong?

Is this what Yoongi was talking about? Anxiety…?

Why does Namjoon look so... different?

Why is he so quiet, so… distant…It’s like he’s keeping himself away from me despite being right next to me, arm in arm, like the true Namjoon is somewhere in a glass case? Deep deep beneath whatever this creature is who is next to me?

I’m thinking too much. No. What is this? Why am I feeling this way?

It’s the music… no its not just the music… something is fucking wrong because all I feel like doing is breaking that glass case that’s locked away My Namjoon and presented this fucking imposter. What the hell is going on?!

Brishti barely managed to keep it together. She kept her eyes on stage…

It was like seeing a moving painting being created by invisible hands and the music was the sound of the brushstrokes, amplified. Park Jimin was playing Rothbart, the owl-like magician who curses Odette into a swan until she finds someone who would promise to love her forever. The questions in her mind and the power of the spectacle before her forced her tears to keep flowing.

Namjoon saw Brishti cry and held on to her. But the more he tried to comfort her, the more uneasy she became, the more she coudln’t contain the tears in her eyes.

The curtain fell at the end of Act three when the prince realises he has been tricked. Brishti, somehow, mirrored his grief. The prince was cheated by Rothbart into believing that his daughter, Odile, was Odette. Rothbart relished his plan so despicably it made Brishti’s stomach turn. The prince had already declared to the ballroom full of people his vow to love and marry the maiden by his side - Odile, not Odette. Park Jimin played Rothbart so skillfully, so beautifully that despite being the villain, despite being covered from head to toe, he was the star. Rothbart giggled delightfully as he revealed to the prince that the girl in his arms wasn’t Odette at all. That Odette was waiting for her prince by the lake. The curtain fell as the prince felt the stab of betrayal and rushed to Odette.

Brishti rushed to where she did not know. She wanted to get away from Namjoon, from this feeling that she couldn’t understand, couldn’t explain. She was angry. She wanted to break something. Tears still flowing down her face, she found a corner that was hidden away in darkness. She went in. Brishti sat on the couch there, for what seemed like eternity, breathing heavily. Nothing made sense. It felt like her insides were twisting into each other. Suddenly, though, a door creaked open and out came an angel. A man, glowing, having just freshened up. He saw her, saw her fear and instead of pulling back in shock, approached with a strange kindness. He held her wrist and stayed silent for a moment.

His beauty was also a kindness to her. In that moment, Brishti could breathe a little bit better. He sat down by her knees, on the floor and when he spoke, his voice flowed like a tonic, “First time at the ballet? It’s overwhelming… I know. You’re okay. You are safe. Rothbart is not here. Talk to me… what are you feeling?”

The tears kept flowing. This man was different, she knew he understood what she was feeling like. She felt safe, but not as if she was with a saviour, rather as though she was with another victim.

“What are you feeling…” Park Jimin repeated. The pieces were falling into place in her head. This is Park Jimin, the man who danced as Rothbart. The man who should have danced the Prince. Who should have played Odette and Odile.

“I feel… rage.” Brishti trembled as she spoke. She could breathe again.

“Yes… Rothbart is… evil… I’m sorry-”

Brishti nodded her head no. “At the prince.”

Jimin was surprised. “Let it out. You can scream in here and no one would know.”

Brishti didn’t need another invitation, but her rage wasn’t a scream, it was a whisper - “I want to hit the prince. How could he not now? He couldn’t see that that girl was not Odette? Is he blind? The way she moved, the way she danced… which only means… it means that the prince knew… somewhere he felt doubt but he… He couldn’t fucking trust himself enough?! I don’t know why this is breaking my heart… Why can’t people trust in themselves?! It’s a pathetic fucking excuse and I can’t buy it… I just can’t. Why did the prince...” Her hands covered her face as she wiped her tears. She composed herself.

Jimin pulled out a kerchief. “May I?” Brishti nodded and he dabbed her face with care.

“The prince trusted his sight more than his soul. And now, Odette will die because of it. As always, the woman pays the price.”

“He dies too, you know.”

“What a waste…”

Jimin smiled, “Thank you… for watching the show, for feeling it so much.”

Brishti managed a weak smile, “Thank you.” Jimin stepped away and sat next to her, at a respectable distance. “I’m being lied to.”

Jimin nodded, “I know what that’s like. I feel that rage against the prince too. And still, we must be kind to our liars.”

Brishti clenched her teeth, “Why? Where’s the fairness in that?”

Jimin moves away, in a dejected kind of daze and pours himself a drink, “That’s the biggest lie, fairness. Cruel joke.”

Brishti walked toward the door. “I should go… Thank you.”

Jimin raised his glass to her.

Brishti wore her coat and walked toward the exit. She found Namjoon in a panic and suddenly felt like she could reach him. He looked so relieved to see her. She couldn’t help but feel awash with love as he crashed into her in the warmest hug. It was as if he was the one who was lost.

“Are you okay? Why were you crying?” Namjoon asked her as he stroked her head and held her in the hug for as long as she needed.

“I need to ask you something.” Brishti whispered as she pulled away. They began walking down the stairs of the theatre.

“Änything.” Namjoon replied.

“Your firm… they refused the Jimin case, right?”

Namjoon froze. His jaw locked up. “Let’s go home.”

The rest of the way, neither of them spoke a word. They entered their home in a cold silence. They washed the night off themselves and entered their bedroom, which was completely devoid of the heat and desire that usually filled it right up to the ceiling. What used to feel like an ocean, now felt like a vacuum.

When Namjoon walked in, Brishti reminded him, as kindly as she could,“I said I need to ask you something. You said, ‘anything’.”

“I’m sorry. I don’t want to talk about it.” Namjoon was cold again. Unfeeling. Unreachable.

Brishti tried her best to be calm… “When would you want to talk about it?”

Namjoon breathed in - “Why? Am I answerable to you?”

“Yes.”

“Well, we disagree. I don’t think I am answerable to you. What would you have done if I wouldn’t have told you about it in the first place?”

“I would still be feeling what I’m feeling… I would be even more furious though.”

“Fu- why would you be furious? I have to work there, I lost the account. I’m feeling hurt and disappointed in myself and instead of helping me, you’re angry?! What the hell could you be angry at?!”

“I’m being lied to. I’m being tricked.”

“What?!” the contempt on Namjoon’s face made her head throb. He was angry now.

“There are two Namjoons here. I’m being told there’s only one and--”

“That is some philosophical trash that you learned from one of your books. Real life doesn’t work that way. But how would you know?! You don’t have a real job. You have a hobby. A hobby of stacking books in order. You’re just plain lucky that someone is paying you for your hobby. That’s not a job. You of all people cannot tell me about the things I have to do to keep my job. I have tried my best to be as honest as I can be--”

“As honest as you can --”

“Listen to me!” Namjoon thundered. His loud voice might as well have been a punch. It rang through her body and rattled her bones. She had tears in her eyes but clenched them down as Namjoon continued yelling, “Enough… enough with the fucking tears. What the fuck are you so sad about?! I don’t need you to pity me. I don’t need anyone to feel sad for me. I have tried to be a good man - do you even know how much other men don’t even mention to their wives?! I told you everything. EVERYTHING. And now I’m being punished for it. Time and time again I tried to console you… even though I was the one hurting… I tried to be there for you and tell you… as long as I have --”

Brishti couldn’t take it anymore “Don’t. Say that.” She didn’t yell. Her voice was just above a whisper and yet it sent a chill down Namjoon’s spine. She wiped her tears. “I didn’t ask to be consoled. I was just… curious. If a few questions from me hurt so much maybe you should ask yourself why. I’m not lucky that someone decided to pay me for my hobby. It’s nice to know what you really think of my job. But whatever you think, I created my job. I created my life. I fought to come to london. I fought for the right to earn--”

“Oh please... spare me the feminist lecture...” scoffed Namjoon.

“Sure. Take up Jimin’s case.”

Namjoon felt the burn of white hot rage. He wanted to strangle her. He was so used to touching her… and she was his… in this bedroom, he had made her his. He wasn’t thinking. Namjoon strode toward her and held one massive palm over her mouth and the other on her neck and pinned her to the wall. “YOU WOULDN’T HAVE KNOWN ABOUT THAT IF I DIDN’T TELL YOU.”

It took him a few moments to realise what he was doing. Brishti was shocked and tried to scream but no voice came out. She was trying to get him out of his daze when he finally saw her, saw his Rim, horrified… by him. Namjoon pulled his hands back instantly. He saw a red bruise bloom where his hands were - on her face and on her neck.

“This is how you make your conscience shut up?” Brishti’s voice was hoarse. “You think this has nothing to do with your conscience? With the best part of you? The part that you made me fall in love with? Are you really telling me you don’t know that this is why you can’t write the way you used to… You’re killing my Joon and asking me to stay silent. I can’t.”

The searing anger still hadn’t died and it burst out of him, “Why are we fighting like this… over Jimin… why don’t you take up his case if you fucking love him so much?”

“What do you think I’m doing right now?”

“You… Why are you fighting for him against me?!” It was here that Namjoon realised his armour was gone. The idea of who he is... suddenly vanished. And the one thing that had made him feel safe, like his true self, was slipping away. “You’re saying… just tell me… you’re saying what I think you’re saying.”

Brishti did him the only kindness she had left in her, she explained, “Jimin wants to leave but can’t. He stays because he needs to dance. He stays because he cannot get out of his contract. You say you want to help people like Jimin, you roll your eyes at white people who can’t pronounce our names, you feel guilty for asians who have much less than we do… but then you also don’t raise an issue when your boss holds meetings in clubs where people of other races and dogs and women are not allowed. You work overtime for the privilege of weekends… You say you are trying but… as far as I know… you don’t have a non-compete clause in your contract, Namjoon.”

That hit him like an iceberg. Namjoon’s legs gave way and he just sat on the bed.

He watched as Brishti put on her coat and left, covering her bruises with a scarf.

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