The Red Thread

That’s when Joel realised - just because these girls didn’t have a mother didn’t mean they didn’t experience love. It was miraculous, how kind & sweet they were. But it was because they had this gift - to see the love that everyone else gave them… 

It made Joel feel like Sarah’s kindness, her smile, her instinct to help people meant that she had love in her heart, in her life. She had Joel as her Dad. She had Uncle Tommy. For the first time since that fateful birthday in 2003, Joel realised he hadn’t completely failed Sarah… 

He felt warm & grateful for the kind of people who had helped Raina. The lawyer, who decided to adopt a blood-soaked little girl with a knife in her hand?! The grandfather who gave her the best name, who gave her purpose. The boy who loved her, Raman. Min Young & Lila & all the kids… 

He realised he owed a great debt to all these people, for having supported the woman that he loves. It was all too fast but he just knew. He did love her. That now, he had to carry their legacy ahead & love her well. Love her right. And suddenly it struck him - he had to get her back. 

As he put his shoes on, Joel realised he had tears in his eyes & a smile on his face. The sunlight hit his face resonating the truth of his life - What an honour, to be Sarah’s father. To be Ellie’s dad. To be Raina’s husband… that’s who he would be. That’s what he wanted.  

He walked toward the school. His feet turned that way before it made sense to his mind - that is where she would choose to go. Joel’s heart was squirming again, to think of Raina doubt what he would think, doubt his acceptance, his love. 

His heart jumped when he saw her at last, walking slowly, dragging herself toward the school building. He thanked God, Fate, the Universe, whatever power he could think of in that moment, for making him realise all that he had within a span of minutes.

Joel ran to catch up to her. 

Just before he caught up to her, Raina had been walking with doubt & grief weighing her down. It was hurting her, walking away from the place where she’d kissed Joel. Her Joelly. 

The voices in her mind caused a turbulence deep in her heart - 

‘Was it too soon to have told him?’

‘Why did her history have to be so horrific?’

‘Why did all of that happen to her?’ 

Raina knew ‘Why’ was the least helpful question at times like these. The least spiritual question. But she couldn’t out-manoeuvre her thoughts today. Her fists were balled up, trying to contain the rage of all her whys -  

‘Why did she have to tell Joel? She couldn’t have made anything up when he’d asked?’

‘Why burden him with her brutal fucking past?’

‘How could she go back now?’

‘Would he even look at her the same?’ 

‘He did want to comfort her… after she’d told him the entire thing but… was that out of love or sympathy?’

‘Did he pity her?’ 

That thought made her stomach turn - that’s how much she hated pity. She could stomach hate but not pity. She felt rage boil within her. She hated this - now it felt like she had rushed it, told him something so intimate, so important way too early & killed the tiny little light of the possibility of a relationship, of love, right in its crib.

‘That’s what you’ve always been - a killer.’ 

‘That’s all you’ll ever be.’ 

Raina despised this voice in her head. She wanted to punch someone.  

Just then, she felt someone suddenly come up behind her & grab her hand. Without thinking about it, Raina took a violent swing. 

Joel had run up to Raina & wanted to surprise her by holding her hand. But when he had reached out to touch her, Raina had turned with a terrifying left hook. Thankfully, Joel’s reflexes were sharper than he’d expected they would be after so long. 

He had ducked right in time, but he had felt a whoosh of air on his face that told him just how hard that punch would have landed. Within the fraction of that second, Raina realised what she’d done - almost punched Joel Miller, the man she’d almost professed her love to just this morning. 

Joel & Raina both yelled at the same time - “I’m sorry, I’m sorry!” 

Finally, they looked at each other. Joel looked relieved having blocked that punch. Raina looked terrified for having thrown it. Fresh tears swelled up in her eyes, when she saw his face. Joel smiled & tried to reassure his gorgeous & deadly woman, “Baby, baby… s’me…”

Raina rushed to him, “I’m so sorry… I was angry at myself… I’m so so sorry—”

Joel finally held her hand, “Raina, honey, you don’t have to be sorry…s’okay… happens to me all the time…” he was still heaving a little from trying to catch up to her. 

Raina bit her lip when she realised Joel had run after her, “You came to get me?” 

Joel nodded as he evened his breath out, “‘Course…” 

“Did you even think about everything I just—?” 

“Nothin’ to think about… ’ Joel said, ‘Now, please come home.’ 

Raina looked at him with surprise in those big black eyes, “Really?”

Joel nodded & looked at her like this was the easiest choice for him. He came close, beside her & whispered, “I just wanna know one thing…” 

“Anything…” Raina looked so sincere in her effort to make sure this relationship bloomed the way it could, Joel almost felt bad teasing her - 

“What was it you said this mornin’…  right before you bolted into the bathroom…?” 

Raina blushed & laughed. Joel smiled too. The two of them began to walk back home. 

{{}} {{}} {{}}

Raina asked about Joel’s back & insisted that he rest as they got back to his place. But even before the two could get their boots off, Joel kissed her, mid-sentence. 

This time, Raina was pressed up against the wall by the door, which he slammed shut with his foot. He had his gorgeous, massive hands in her hair, which he released from the claw clip that held them up. He pressed up against her again, loving how soft & warm she felt against his hardness. He nibbled at his spot of the corner of her lip, carefully, making sure not to hurt her too much in the same tender place. 

Raina felt his warmth, his worry of disappointing her, his need to love her through his kiss & reassured him through hers. 

She held his waist, his shoulders, his back & pulled him further into herself. Joel’s lips coaxed Raina’s to open up more so he could taste her once again. Joel’s hands travelled up, over the tight bodice of her dress, under his plaid shirt - that she’d buttoned all the way up. Joel waited for Raina to remind him to stop, to restrict him but she didn’t. When his hand stopped on her sides - just under her breasts, Raina pulled back from the kiss & looked at Joel. 

He was breathing heavy, with the passion of their kiss, but looked at her smiling, licking his lips to continue tasting her. She was glad to see it hadn’t changed - the way Joel saw her. He was slightly confused about why she’d stopped the kiss but there was the same adoring love in his eyes. Perhaps with an added depth, a quiet, reverence. 

Raina took Joel’s hand, nestled on her rib & guided it up, on her breast, letting him know it was okay for him to touch her wherever he wanted to. Both of them felt a twist of pleasure in their core. Despite all the layers she was wearing, he could feel how tender this part of her was. She felt warm in a gorgeous aching way, to have Joel’s strong hands on the softest of her curves. 

He began kissing her again. Joel moaned when she nibbled at his lower lip as he kneaded her breast, dragging the hem of her dress down so he could touch skin. He grabbed her closer by winding his other hand around her waist & while pushing himself even more into her. Soon enough, both of them felt his cock go from hard to stiff, pressing against his jeans, begging to be freed. 

Joel reminded himself to stop. He pulled away from the kiss slowly, gently. He eased his lips away from hers but not far, he kissed her chin, her jaw, her neck before laying his head on her shoulder. He brought his hands down to her sides, resting them on her on the beautiful curve of her hips. 

Raina stroked his head, “We don’t have to stop… if your back is alright…” 

Of course she’d noticed he wasn’t walking cautiously anymore, Joel thought. He moved to face her, a gentle smile on his face, “s’ day two, right?” Raina nodded with a smile. 

“I can hold off for two days…” Joel assured her. 

Raina bit her lip, “What if I can’t?” 

“Darlin’… only one of us is…” he ran both his hands up against the contour of her curves, “...temptation incarnate…” He looked at Raina with a smile & a dangerous hunger in his eyes. Joel took her hand & made her feel the stiff peak pressing against his jeans, “if I can hold off, I’m sure you can too…” 

Raina blushed furiously & pulled Joel into a hug. They melded together once more, kissing, nuzzling, loving on each other. His shirt was being an obstacle to the free movement of Joel’s hand over her body so he began unbuttoning it, “Why have you—” but the answer was clear the moment he opened the first two buttons of his shirt on Raina - the reddish pinkish marks of last night had bloomed into dark blue, almost purple spots on her golden brown skin. 

Raina began to soothe Joel before he began worrying, “Joel… it’s okay… it’s normal for hickeys—”

Joel stepped away from her, which made Raina tense but within a second, she saw Joel looking at her neck from a step away. Raina stood in the same spot & unbuttoned the rest of the shirt and slipped it off her shoulders, so Joel could see all the purple spots on her skin. 

Joel’s breath hitched for a second, when Raina slid the shirt off her shoulders. A mischievous smile spread over Joel’s face. His gaze kissed her neck but when Joel’s eyes met Raina’s, there was an assurance there - that she won’t be judged for the things she desired. She didn’t need to hide anything from him… ever again. Joel moved toward her again, “Does it— Do they hurt…? I don’— don’t really remember…” 

“No, baby, not at all…” Raina gently pressed into one of the two hickeys on his neck to show him just how harmless they were.  

Joel began to plant small, gentle kisses on all of the purple spots he’d given Raina. She stroked his back & explained, “It feels… like a map… all the places… where you let go… where we stopped the flow… of blood, where we stopped the flow of time… on my skin…” 

Joel looked at her adoringly, impressed with what she’d said, “Mmm… my sexually deviant poet…”

Raina chuckled at that. Joel kissed her jaw, her neck & breathed deep into the nook of her neck, “I should stop…” he whispered, more to himself than her. 

She held his face & made him look at her - “You don’t need to stop. That was just—”

“Just the first time you asked me for somethin…” Joel reminded her.

“You sure?”

“Course, Raina… s’ nothin… now, tell me what you wanna eat… Grilled cheese sound good?”

“You have cheese?!” Raina hadn’t had cheese in over a decade. 

“Baby, you’re with Joel Miller now. We got cheese, we got coffee…” he beamed. 

“Coffee?!” 

{{}} {{}} {{}}

Raina changed into another dark plaid shirt she found in Joel’s closet & her woolly socks. She skipped the boxer shorts this time (but assured Joel she was wearing her inners) which elicited a groan from Joel who told her she didn’t need to make the wait harder than it was. 

Raina had coolly propped herself on the kitchen counter then, all of her glorious thighs on full display, telling him that sounded very much like a him-problem. Joel had moved over to her, caressed her thighs, saying, “Goddamnit woman…” 

They kept kissing each other, with Joel’s cock serving as a sort of weathervane - telling them things were heating up. They blushed and slowly began to move away every time & yet didn’t stop coming back together to kiss once more. 

Raina sent Joel to check on Ellie & invite her for lunch with them as a way of letting her know that this was still very much her home. 

Joel looked confused, "I think she already knows that…?”

“The last time she came here was to check on you & ended up seeing both of us, in there, sleeping together… You’ve got to let her know its not Sin City up here… that she’s free to move about…”, Raina explained. 

“I mean it is kinda Sin City… not that I mind…” 

“I’ll wear pants, Miller, God!” Raina rolled her eyes. 

Joel came over and slid his hand up her thighs once again while he kissed her, “Well, then, I have to do this again…” 

Raina’s version of Chilli was on the stove & she prodded Joel away to leave because she needed to watch it. Reluctantly, Joel let go of her & left to get Ellie. 

There was a knock on the door in a few moments which Raina assumed was Joel. She turned off the flame & brought up a spoon of the chilly to her lips to cool down for him to taste. She opened the door & offered the spoon - realising half a second too late - that it wasn’t Joel at the door at all. 

Min Young stood at the door with a large suitcase. He had noticed Raina’s not-so-conspicuous absence from home & school & had got her some of the essentials she needed to live. He meant it as a sweet gesture but something nasty was triggered in him when he saw her in Joel’s shirt, marked with brutal hickeys all over her neck & probably lower... 

“You don’t waste any time, do you?” Min remarked. 

Raina held the spoon down & stepped behind the door to cover her pants-less-ness & still she looked a bit scary, annoyed at this comment, “Really? That’s what you wanna go with? After all the sorries, and the ‘I just want you to be happy”s?!” 

Min raised his hands, “I’m sorry- I’m sorry it just slipped out… with all the…” he gestured to Raina’s hickeys. When she went to button them up, Min helped with the spoon in her hand. He tasted the Chilli, “Mmmm… not bad… little too hot though, you sure you’re boyfriend will be able to take it?” 

Raina sneered at him, confused about his strange brashness “Have you come here to make me hate you again?!” 

Min really did look apologetic the next second. That’s part of what made them so good together - the way they could switch. There were moments in their once-amazing-relationship where it was a sort of seamless flow, like they didn’t need words to communicate… before Min let his insecurities get the better of them. 

He composed himself for the sake of those perfect times, “I thought… you might need some… essentials… y’know, like pants…” Raina couldn’t help but chuckle. But she tried to control it by pulling her lips in. Min couldn’t be making comments like this anymore if he expected to be part of her life with. She composed her face, “Min… that’s… thank you… but I haven’t yet spoken to Joel or Ellie about… moving in—”

This seemed to make him happy, “And you’re still wearing a bra, so… that means you… haven’t actually had sex yet! Wait, is it the bad back or bad—”

Raina began to close the door on him but Min blocked her with a parade of sorries once again. She was really getting angry now & slightly worried because it won’t be great to have Joel & Ellie walk up to see her & Min arguing in their doorway. 

Min explained himself, “You just called Casablanca & left… really… you didn’t even look back once… just like Ingrid—”

“I’m not Ingrid Bergman & Joel’s not that dusty ass husband guy & you, Min Young, for sure as shit, are NOT Humphrey Boggart. So stop with the self pity. I’m betting you didn’t tell Lila what you were doing because she would’ve stopped you. I’m not dead, Min. I’m literally down the road! I looked back plenty for you & you were not ready… remember that? Remember crying about not being ready? I was ready for something real back in 2005! And I’ve finally, finally found someone who’s also ready…”

Min was trying to hint at something but Raina couldn’t stop mid-rant. Min tried to shift her mood by pointing to something on his right as he fake-cheerfully said, “Yes, they’re ready… for lunch!” 

Of course it was Ellie & Joel. Surprised to see Min Young & a large suitcase at their doorstep, arguing with pants-less Raina, holding a spoon like a knife for some reason. 

Thankfully, Ellie interjected, “Are you gonna stab him with a spoon?! That… would be cool…” 

Joel immediately reprimanded, “Ellie get in.” 

“Adults really do have drama…” Ellie commented as she went in, smiling. Raina began to explain but Min Young interrupted her saying, “I came to drop her stuff off.” 

Min got the signature Joel Miller glare of anger, “Oh, I heard everythin’…” Joel said as he kept glaring at Min Young but addressed Raina, “Darlin'… is Min Young stayin' for lunch?” 

Raina promptly replied, “No.” 

Joel snapped a quick, “See you around…” to Min Young & lifted the massive suitcase with one hand as he got into his house.

“I’ll lay some pants out on the bed.” Joel whispered to Raina & she nodded, completely embarrassed. Joel went in without a word, leaving his woman to deal with the man who wasn’t allowed in. 

Raina felt bad about how this all turned out but she had to remind herself it wasn’t her responsibility. Min looked at her with his hurt-puppy eyes. It had been a long road for them & while he theoretically understood Raina’s emotions, he couldn’t help but feeling a sense of grief he hadn’t felt before. When it came to her, he couldn’t help… a lot. Raina knew it too but she’d been hurt by those puppy eyes too many times. 

“There was a better way of doing this, Min. I’ll… I’ll see you later.” Raina said. Min Young walked away & she shut the door. 

{{}} {{}} {{}}

Raina, finally wearing pants, sat across the table from Joel & Ellie, waiting for them to finish their meal. She couldn’t eat because her stomach was in knots but she’d made them some spicy chicken with Chilli & Rice. Ellie had praised her cooking thrice already. She was trying to get a moment in edgewise but both were so engrossed with the food, it made her wonder what they’d been eating this whole time. 

Finally, when Ellie finished her second helping, Raina drew attention to the topic she’d been waiting to discuss. 

“So… First off, I’m sorry you both had to see… that. Min Young brought some things for me… pre-emptively… I didn’t ask for them to be… delivered like that…” Raina suddenly found herself unable to form coherent sentences & speak them like a normal human. The father & daughter duo who’d stayed together the last four years was strangely intimidating for her. 

Both Ellie & Joel looked like they were waiting for Raina to come to her point. Both knew her enough by now to not interrupt her. 

“I don’t wanna assume… just because… you know, we have this… & I’ve not left the house for 2 days now… except for that short walk…” Raina was getting frustrated with herself. 

Ellie was still waiting for the point to arrive, like a diligent student. But Joel finally understood something was wrong when Raina sighed & buried her face in her palms. 

He instinctively said, “Baby... what is it?” 

Ellie whipped around to look at Joel with a look of surprise. Joel smiled a little & accepted her look of shock. 

Raina chuckled at this little interaction, “I just… I hope I’m not… like, barging into your family…” 

Both of them had the same quizzical look on their faces after Raina said that. She had to explain further, “You know… with the bag… as if I’m moving in…” 

“I thought you are moving in…” Ellie asked 

“You tol’ me to get the bag in…?” Joel asked too. 

“Yeah but I didn’t ask either of you… & Min just got the bag…” Raina tried to understand what their confusion was about. 

“Ask us what?” Ellie asked, genuinely trying to understand. 

Raina was getting annoyed about how neither of them understood that Min had created an awkward situation for her by overstepping civil boundaries & just getting a huge bag of her stuff in their home. Raina wanted to have a conversation with Joel & Ellie about how things were going to go. 

“Oh my god guys… its not polite to just get your stuff to someone’s home without asking them first…” Raina explained, still trying to keep calm. 

Joel was still not getting it but Ellie, mercifully, understood & turned to Joel sternly, “Joel, did you not tell her to stay?” 

Joel looked at both women, “I- I did!” 

“No… not while making out & stuff…” Ellie didn’t like that image but went on “… did you make it liveable for her… like did you get her a toothbrush?” 

Joel was starting to get the point, “Oh. No I didn’…” 

Ellie shook his head at Joel like she couldn’t believe him. She explained to Raina, “Joel is… um… I truly don’t know how he survived pre-outbreak… but he would very much like for you to come live with him…” 

Raina smiled, “I wanted to ask you too”, she told Ellie. 

“Oh, Ray, you’d be doin’ me a huge favour. He could use some… human company… He’s old & he doesn’t sleep well & he doesn’t have any friends…” Ellie told Raina, oblivious to Joel being in the room. 

Raina laughed. Joel glared at Ellie who didn’t look at him but changed her tune a bit, “But… he can reach the high shelves & open jars… & he’s great at woodwork, you’d like that—” 

Joel stepped in, smiling, “Thank you Ellie, for that glowin’ recommendation.” He looked at Raina, a little embarrassed, “Raina… I’m sorry I didn’t… make arrangements but I— we… would love for you to make this your home too…” 

Raina blushed. Ellie rolled her eyes & said, “Okay… its officially too mushy in here for me… Ray, welcome home. Please keep making this kinda food, maybe teach Joel there are other ingredients than cheese, bacon & coffee…” She began to leave but Joel “Ellie-d” her into helping him clean up. 

As Ellie & Joel cleared the table & did the dishes, Raina sat on the table trying not to grin like a fool. 

{{}} {{}} {{}}

 Later that afternoon, Raina watched as Joel shifted his sparse plaid shirt & jean collection around & put Raina’s clothes in the closet, with his. She’d scooped out her favourite dark green sweatshirt & pjs & changed into them. Joel reminded her that thats what she was wearing when he first saw her… Raina had caressed his stubble then & teasingly asked if he knew what he was made of. Joel didn’t really understand that question & had answered, “I dunno… skin…?” 

To which Raina had replied, “No, Joel, you’re made of boyfriend material…” 

Joel had tried to suppress his blush just repeating, “No… just, no.”  But he couldn’t hide his smile in front of Raina, especially as she peppered his face with kisses. Later he’d brought her a plate of just the Chilli & insisted she eat it as she watched him arrange their clothes. She had to softly fight him with pecks to his cheeks just to keep the plate back herself once she was done.

Appetite satiated and with her man right in front of her, beaming at her, fascinated by her post-apocalyptic fashion choices, Raina didn’t even realise when she drifted into sleep. 

When she awoke, she didn’t know what time it was. The sun seemed to be setting & there was a note beside her in a scribbly writing she would come to recognise as Joel’s - Gone to get some supplies. Be back soon. She didn’t like being alone… on his bed… so she yawned & yelled his name out, “Joelllly!” 

She wasn’t expecting a reply but it boomed from the bathroom, “In here! But wait, don’ come in here…” Raina didn’t understand what was happening, “Joelly…?” 

She didn’t get a response but after a few moments he said, “Okay… I’m done… Come in here…” 

Raina didn’t understand why she was being invited to the bathroom & the daze of a late afternoon nap was too strong for her brain to comprehend things properly, so she just whined again, “Joeeeelllly…”

Joel came out to their bedroom looking grumpy but he couldn’t help but smile when he saw her, “Cranky napper, huh?” 

Raina sat up, “Mmmm yeah… sorry… don’t let me sleep in the afternoon, Joelly…” 

Joel switched from grumpy to sweet too fast with her. Then again, he didn’t really have a choice, “Alrigh’, I won’…” 

Raina laid back on the bed & raised both her hands, inviting him to join her. When she raised her hands, her sweatshirt was pulled up & Joel saw a small part of her midriff again. Just the way he had when he’d first seen her. Except this time, Raina didn’t get conscious & cover up the little skin that was showing. This time… she was lying on his bed, opening her arms to him. Joel couldn’t contain his smile. He climbed on to the bed but instead of her arms he went close to her waist, that plush, unbelievably sexy, belly she had just bared to him. Raina was surprised to see him look at her muffin top with such reverence. He stopped right before he touched her sweatshirt there & looked up for permission, with childlike delighted eyes. Raina nodded yes to her man & Joel instantly pushed her sweatshirt all the way up, & lay down on her belly. A satisfied groan escaped his lips. One that reverberated in Raina’s core too. Raina shifted a few pillows to get a good look at him. She could feel his breath beginning to match hers. Joel looked like he was resting, after a long, long time. Raina stroked his hair. She thought about the right thing to say at this moment, to tell Joel what she had backed off from telling him this morning - that she is falling in love with him. 

While she is debated, Joel began peppering kisses to her belly, which made all coherent thought fly out of her brain. He held her waist & looked up at Raina, with his chin now resting on her plush skin. 

“You made me realise somethin’ today” Joel said, his tone deeper than she expected, “I always felt bad that me n’ Tommy... we lost our Mama too soon… maybe that was because we’d had her love & then close to nothin’ from our Pop… and when Nina left, I thought Sarah would also feel the same… the same void… but… she wasn’t like me… bare knuckles, bloody bones… she was sweet & kind… & yeah it woulda been nice if she had a mother too but… she did have love… she had me n’ Tommy n’ friends… n’ her teachers loved her… so… maybe I didn’t fail her…” 

Tears swam in Joel’s eyes but he buried his face in Raina’s belly to wipe them off. He took a deep breath & she didn’t stop stroking his hair. This is probably how she was different than she was with Min Young too - she was not in a hurry to fix him, or in a hurry to prove herself & her love to him. Here, with Joel, Raina just was… And everything that was supposed to be was also just happening… almost as if on its own. She knew how long a road it must have been for Joel to come to finally accept Sarah’s death as an accident, to accept how he didn’t have control - that all he had was here & now. 

Here & now, lying on Raina’s midriff, the sacred place of her womb, kissing her navel, Joel felt a sudden desire to make life… on purpose, with his Raina. He hadn’t even known that he had been waiting with bated breath for this woman to finally arrive in his life. And now that she had, he wanted to expand life itself… with her, within her… Joel couldn’t contain the sheer joy he felt in that moment & just bit Raina’s belly softly. Raina laughed & pinched his cheek. The first time he’d felt that since Joel was a kid. The comfort, the safety & the afterglow of being loved.