#rapu

Due to unforeseen circumstances, this post will be brought to you solely by crabs.

today i summoned 1015 crabs and caught 6 💰 of them. look at them all!

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just me and my crab army *clack clack clack* 🦀

Scenario: Everyone in your family dies and then you meet this guy that you really admire.

You’ve never met him before, but you know him by reputation, and you’ve always looked up to him. He’s like a god to you.

And then he just straight up tells you to eat all of the shit and then die. So you murder him dead. So far, so sympathetic.

But then you decide - based on that one encounter - that every person of the race to which he belongs, everywhere, needs to die because they are all - without exception - selfish a-holes. They all deserve to be killed, maimed, tortured or just generally wiped from existence entirely. Even the children. Especially the children. Gotta get them while they’re young.

Based on that one encounter.

So you set out in a one man quest to commit genocide and everyone in the universe starts writing think-pieces about how justified your crusade is and how you <3 love <3 your <3 daughter <3 so <3 obviously <3 you’re <3 actually <3 a <3 good <3 good <3 boi <3 uwu.

Everyone but me anyway. Meanwhile, I’m over here, apparently the only person who watched you work and thought, “Why am I supposed to feel sorry for this guy again?”

I mean, sure. Dead family. Uncaring deities. Fine. Could be a great revenge story if it ended with Goldfinger getting the finger.

Rapu runs away from their encounter, begs the Asgardians to hide him. Thor, initially unaware of Rapu’s transgressions, swears to defend him. Gorr and Thor come to blows and Gorr overpowers him with the power of righteous vengeance and Rapu starts bragging about how much a douchebag he is and how he intends to find another planet to fuck over just for the lulz. Thor is forced to admit that sometimes he’s not always on the right side of things, and maybe an asshole deity getting shanked is just what the doctor ordered and Gorr and Thor team up to murderstomp Rapu in an epic two on one battle.

I don’t know, just throwing out ideas. Move over, John Wick.

But I don’t know how you go from one guy telling you to eat shit to “genocide is the best idea anyone has ever had” and still expect me to be sympathetic. If it didn’t work with Thanos, why would you think it would work now? And Thanos had an excuse. A piss poor excuse that in no way, shape or form justified his actions, but his motivation made sense.

What’s Gorr got? “That guy was mean to me! Welp, time to murder an entire race of people because one guy failed to live up to my standards for how people like him should behave.”

“But Eagal!” I hear you say. “Gods aren’t a race!”

Even if they weren’t, which they for all intents and purposes are, think of it as a rhetorical device. The point is, Gorr is just a petty piece of shit blaming the universe for the inaction of one man, whom he already wrought vengeance upon at the start of the movie.

“But Eagal!” I hear you say. “It was the sword! The sword made him do it!”

Sorry, Marvel already used up all of its “Get out of villainy free” cards on No Way Home and Multiverse of Madness and to be honest, they were kinda stretching it both times.

 “Silenzio, Bruno!” just isn’t gonna cut it here. Gorr is not Otto Octavius 2.0, he’s Vulture 2.0. An awful person that Marvel wants me to think is a good <3 good <3 boi <3 uwu and only turned to villainy because he HAD TO you understand. He didn’t have a choice! If it weren’t for The Man™ he would just be a normal guy! This totally justifies all of his actions! He’s such a good <3 good <3 boi <3 uwu!

Difference is, as much as I despise Vulture, he was a jillion times more sympathetic than Gorr.

If I can say this little about him, Vulture only killed one guy, by accident. Yeah, he endangered the lives of a bunch more people, but he never set out to do anything other than say “fuck you, got mine” to The Man™. He didn’t decide that an entire race of people deserved to die because one guy told him to eat shit.

Here’s an idea. Replace Rapu with Clarence Thomas, then tell me to my face that Gorr’s actions are justified.

Side note: since we’re on an almost totally unrelated subject, use the next Spidey movie to retire Peter and bring in Miles Morales. I got no beef with Peter. He’s cool and all, but I adore Miles to itsy bitsy pieces.

I’m here for Jane Thorster. Thor Foster? The Mighty Thor. They oughta have let her live. Thor retires or something, maybe help Valkyrie train the next generation of Asgard’s warriors, while Jane sticks around as the goddess of thunder. Drop the hammer on some plebs. But fuck Gorr. He should have taken Rapu’s advice and ate shit and then died.

P.S. Fuck Gorr. He was a terrible villain. Dark World had a better villain and Dark World’s villain didn’t even have a personality.

P.P.S. I’m here for Hercules vs Thor in the next movie. The Lion of Olympus! Don’t fuck this up, Marvel!

P.P.P.S. Fuck Gorr.