Summary: Short one-shots, focused on the different ways in which the various Brugh characters might comfort a struggling reader.
Fandoms: What We Do in the Shadows (2014), 800 Words, Mega Time Squad, Educators, How To Meet Girls From a Distance, TLAT, The Office Australia, The Life & Times of Te Tutu
Rating: M
Relationships: Deacon Brücke/Reader, Monty McNamara/Reader, Shelton/Reader, Jarred Needham/Reader, Carl Stewart/Reader, Rapu/Reader, Lloyd Kneath/Reader, Lord Simian Gibbon Herrick/Reader
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💔 [ Apology ] - A kiss that's offered as a way to apologize or make amends
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You didn’t think it’d be such a big deal to do a grocery run this morning without him, but apparently, it really fucking was.
“Don’t you think you’re being a little dramatic?” You asked Shelton as he stepped out of the shower, his green eyes averted as he wrapped a towel around his waist.
“No, I don’t,” the temperamental gang leader muttered, reaching around you to grab a bottle of aftershave cologne from the medicine cabinet above the sink.
The icky humidity of the bathroom was nothing compared to how cold he was being with you. You wrinkled your nose a bit as he applied the alcohol to his neck, ducking out of the way of the spicy splash zone.
“Can’t you at least be an adult and look at me?”
No response. Shelton continued to pour the cologne on his fingers and messily dab it onto his already-wet skin. The familiar, comforting scent of clove and lemon filled the room in no time, making it all the more frustrating that he was acting so curtly. As he put the bottle away, you continued to make your case.
“I had to eat and we were all out of food, what was I supposed to do?”
“You tell me and I send one of the boys to run the errand, that’s what,” the short statured man grumbled, walking past you to head into his bedroom.
“But you were gone when I woke up!” You countered, following along behind him. Taking a seat at the edge of his bed as he put on some clothes, you sucked your teeth in annoyance.
“I’m not a bird, in case you forgot,” you declared while he pulled a plain white tee over his head. “It gets pretty boring being locked up all the damn time.”
“Boring?” He growled, finally facing you with his face twisted into a sharp glare. “You think this is about entertaining you? I’m trying to keep you fucking safe!”
“I know you are! But Jesus, Shelton, every time you get like this I feel like I’m a goddamned—”
You promptly shut your mouth before the carelessly vindictive word slipped out. Shelton must have had a hunch what you were going to say anyways, and his face momentarily flashed with pain. The heated tension hanging between you seemed to dissipate with it. With a heavy sigh of exhaustion, he took a seat beside you on his bed. Awkwardly placing a hand on your knee, his thick brows twisted as he tried to work out what to say. Apologizing wasn't his strong suit, as you'd learned a long time ago, but you were willing to hear him out nonetheless.
“Listen, Babe. I don’t expect you to…understand why I do things the way I do. But I do it all for your best interests at the end of the day.”
“No, I know, Shelton. I didn’t mean to—”
The top crime boss of Thames shot you a scowl, although it was filled with significantly less anger than the ones he’d given you in the past four hours. You placed one of your hands on top of his, urging him to continue his sentiments.
“...So I don’t want you going around feeling like a prisoner,” he muttered with the shake of his head. “That’s not, that’s not why you’re here. And if you feel that way…well, tough shit. Just, you know, try not to give me another fright like you did today, ok?”
“...Ok.”
It was sloppy, but you knew him well enough to accept that this was the closest you’d get to a "Sorry." You smiled reassuringly at the gang leader, briefly leaning in for a peck against his lips. As you moved to get off the bed, he yanked you back towards him for a full on, much more passionate kiss. Your heart thumped with a quick pitter-patter, arms snaking around his broad shoulders as he laid you down against the bed.
“I'm much better with my hands than words,” Shelton mumbled into your lips. “Wanna see?”
Needless to say, he had to take another shower that night, but this time he was more than happy to let you join in.
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Mega Time Squad is a low budget, high concept action comedy from New Zealand. Not Australia. Australia and New Zealand are very different and not to be confused. Unlike Australia, whose movies seem designed to make taking your own life seem like sweet release, New Zealand cinema isn’t shit scared of taking the piss. That’s a pretty vulgar sentence, but if you plan on watching Mega Time Squad you should probably be prepared for similar levels of casual profanity. There isn’t just toilet humour in Mega Time Squad, there is actually, literally, humour in a toilet. Pearl clutchers be warned, ey? This is just how Kiwis speak, no harm, mate. As narratively unkempt as it is enthusiastically inventive and drolly amusing, Mega Time Squad is a pretty fun time; particularly if you want to watch something with your teenage spawn, or even if your own child inside hasn’t been totally suffocated by life. Basically, Mega Time Squad is about time travel, stupidity and nuts.
Oh yes, Mega Time Squad is all about nuts; it’s more concerned with having nuts than a starving squirrel in winter. In the earthy parlance of the movie, having nuts means not being a pussy, see. (Bit reductive that, says your inner Humanities professor; don’t worry they’ve got that covered. It’s not as crass as all that in the end.) But small time criminal John (Anton Tennet; endearingly dopey) is when all is said and done, a bit of a giant puss. He’s living in a garage and earning coin as a chumpy drug runner for obnoxious lout Shelton (Jonathan Brugh; as funny as he was in What We Do in the Shadows (2014)). Quick as molasses, John’s kind of, sort of, starting to feel he is wasting his life, maybe. Romantic sparks fly when John meets Kelly (Hetty Gaskell-Hahn; a sassy lassie) the suicide vest making sister of Shelton; a girl who takes no shit and gives precisely zero shits back. Feeling the need to nut up and fund his and Kelly’s possible new start, John schemes to rob a Chinese antique shop behind Shelton’s back. Unfortunately not only is the cash he nabs the Triad’s but he’s also betrayed to Shelton, and, oh yeah, and, quite important this, quite remiss of me not to have mentioned this earlier, he steals an Ancient Chinese Time Travelling Bracelet.
Being able to travel a short distance back in time, John swiftly realises that maybe he can solve all his problems by forming a squad of his temporally displaced selves. But not just a squad, no, a Mega Time Squad, ey? Mega? Mega! Can (the) John(s) return the Triad money, which is now in Shelton’s possession, before they kill Kelly in a tit for tat kill? Can he (er, they) avoid being consumed by the relentless demon which pursues all who tamper with the time-stream? Can John overcome his worst enemy, which is literally himself because..uh, time travel? In short can he (er, they) grow some nuts and win the day and the girl? Because, c’mon, what girl wants a guy without nuts? Be they figurative or literal nuts, either way they are required.
Much chortleworthy tomfoolery is successfully had with the time shuttling shenanigans nested within the small-time loser crime movie set-up. Mega Time Squad is basically the characteristically dour Oz movie Animal Kingdom (2010), but approached by Tim van Dammen in the same fizzily inventive way Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons approached Dragnet in “Chronocops” (A 2000AD “Time Twister”, 5 pages, 1983, much reprinted). If neither of those references mean anything to you, not only have you missed two treats but Mega Time Squad’s freshness will blow your brains right out of your arse, ey?
As much fun as the havoc wreaked by the multiple Johns is, and as smart as the core conceit is, Mega Time Squad only works as well as it does (and it works pretty well, all told) because it remains faithful to its true inspiration: ‘80s teen adventure flicks. It’s to van Dammen’s eternal credit that he didn’t set Mega Time Squad in the ‘80s like any number of unimaginative, lazy bastards would have, and instead oversees a successful transfusion of all the best bits of those movies into the 21st Century. With a bit of extra spin, naturally, time not having stood still since magic Chinese bracelets are not real, unfortunately. And tell your inner Humanities professor to chill, all Mega Time Squad’s initial daft, adolescent macho posturing gets knowingly punctured along the way. Yup, for all its effing and jeffing Mega Time Squad ends up being surprisingly wholesome, teaching John that nuts are nice to have, but nuts are nothing without heart. After all somethings gotta pump to the blood to ’em, ey? Truth.
Mega Time Squad will be released on Blu-ray and DVD on April 9 via Dark Sky Films. The Dude Designs created the poster art. The science fiction comedy is currently available on VOD.
Hailing from New Zealand, the film is written and directed by Tim van Dammen, who created the effects for Deathgasm. Anton Tennet, Jonny Brugh, Milo Cawthorne, and Hetty Gaskell-Hahn star.
Special features are not listed, but you can check out the trailer and synopsis below.
A low-level criminal from the small town of Thames in New Zealand steals an ancient Chinese time-travel device that helps him pull off a heist and start a new life. But he may not survive the demonic consequences of tampering with time.
❤️ for Deacon OR ❤️🩹 for Shelton (because I know you’d tear it up with that 😮💨👌🏼👌🏼)
send me an emoji and I'll write a fic for a kiss | @tellcherhesgone
❤️🩹 [ Scars ] - A gentle kiss on the partner’s scars
Shelton's place felt different, now that the gang had left. Emptier, certainly; it was only natural that it would feel as still and quiet as it did, when it no longer served as the de facto headquarters for an entire criminal operation. But there was something deeper to it too, the house itself - and Shelton - seemingly haunted by the mere memory of the way things had been.
It had taken him time to recover physically from what had happened, and mentally... well, that was still a bit of a work in progress. But even though Shelton had lost so much of what he'd worked so hard to build here in Thames, he still had you, and you saw things getting better day by day.
Sometimes, you found it hard to believe that things could really be this simple in the end. That the two of you could just exist here, lying with bodies tangled together in the dim shadows of Shelton's bedroom; no gang, no prison - just him, and you, and every possible form of all the love you had to give each other.
You shifted with a low sigh and rustle of bedsheets, nestling your head into the slight padding of his bare chest. The gentle thump-thump of his heartbeat against your temple was reassuring, pounding in a steady, slow pattern that made it impossible to forget that he was alive (against all odds) and here with you (against even more odds, if you were honest with yourself).
"You're doing it again, you know. Actin' like I'm gonna die if you take your eyes off me for a fucking second."
He laughed, but there was no real mockery in his voice, and the touch of fondness laced through his words was enough to prove that he didn't mind you being so sentimental.
"You never know," you said, smiling against his chest as you made a sound that you hoped came across an awful lot like a scoff, because it was meant to. "Can't be too careful."
There was a soft clinking sound of metal against metal when you ran one hand down his chest, rolling fingers over and through the delicate chains of the gold necklace that always looped around his neck and pooled in the dip of his throat; his pulse thrummed here too, maybe just a touch faster under your hand.
Your touch skimmed lower and down his side, pausing when your fingers brushed against the edge of the thickened burl of scar tissue that still marked the spot where he'd been shot. The bullet that really should have ended his life, and it was truly a miracle it hadn't - the thought was instantly sobering. You frowned, dipping your head just enough to ghost the lightest of kisses over the wound, your lips barely touching his skin.
To his credit, Shelton was quick to sense your shift in mood - he lurched upwards on an elbow, the bedsheets sliding down to bare his chest - but you were already mired in thoughts of how nobody had cared when he'd been left for dead in a steadily spreading pool of his own blood, left to die without so much as a glance from his own sister. How, even now, his sister hadn't even cared enough to -
Shelton's hand came to a rest on your back.
"Hey."
His voice broke you from your increasingly derailing train of thought, and when you pulled back just enough to meet his gaze you were surprised to see him smiling back at you with that soft, genuine smile he seemed to have reserved only for you. He always was able to tell what you were thinking.
"I'm not dyin' on you again, right? Promise."
"I know," you said, and your voice was remarkably steady for how you felt. "I just... it’s hard not to think about it."
Shelton nodded, moving to tuck you closer into his chest as he settled back down against the pillows. "Yeah. I know." Somewhere in the distance, the sound of a police siren swelled, peaked, then faded back into silence.
You reached for his other hand where it remained slung over your hip, his fingers tracing patterns over your bare skin so lightly that it barely registered. Shelton let you take it, hold it, not saying a word as you ran your fingers over the backs of his knuckles and traced the thin, faded scars that crisscrossed over them in faint white lines. You pressed your lips here too, ghosting soft kisses over what remained of these old wounds until he made a noise in the back of his throat, one caught somewhere between awe and embarrassment.
“I, uh. Didn’t always know how to work out my anger without getting into fights when I was younger. Still don’t, really.” His tone was sheepish, but you didn’t say anything as you continued to kiss his knuckles almost reverently, the ghosts of his past displayed here in stark contrast against his skin.
You finally pulled back to look up at him, illuminated by the dim light that filtered through from the hallway, and you returned his hand to its fitting place on your hip. You wanted to say so many things - about how he seemed to have calmed down in the years you'd known him, or how could he know nothing would happen to him again - but he said nothing, and so for a very long moment you said nothing either. But it was okay. It would all be okay.
