#rain please

ALSO SOMEONE TELL ME WHERE I CAN WATCH IT FOR FREE I DONT GOT THAT TYPE OF MONEY RN

soooo, I did it again. I cancelled my therapy yesterday, I won't be making a habit of this but I just had such little sleep I felt so poorly so I had to cancel, luckily my therapist is so understanding and doesn't charge for these things as she understands, I still feel bad for wasting her time though.

I know I keep talking about the damn weather but when the weather cools again (which it is seemingly starting to do and hopefully the cool will stick! well it bloody should as it is officially autumn tomorrow) I will feel more with it again. I've been so overstimulated by heat and also kind of dissociated, I think I took double my meds the other day and felt so strange all of yesterday. I never do that, I am so good with my meds, well... I am good with my meds because I have an app that tells me when to take them. 😂

the dissociation I've been having is above my usual level and it is throwing me off, I can't focus on anything. I've been doing a lot of colouring and for some reason, I decided to watch Eastenders from about 2006 onwards, it probably isn't its intention but I find it quite an easy watch honestly! as a child my mum would always watch Eastenders and my nana would always watch corrie, so both are quite nostalgic for me. you'd think I'd link Eastenders to my mother because of that, but I am managing to actually enjoy it with no attachment to her so I am pleased. my favourite storyline that I can remember is Max and Stacey's affair so I am waiting for that, it is just too iconic! I also am loving Kat, she has that kind of laugh that could make you fall in love. I'm at the bit where Alfie is tied between her & little Mo. personally I feel he and Kat go together too well, but I am a new watcher so I could be wrong, but their chemistry is just there.

my partner is at the theatre tonight with his father, so I hope he is enjoying that, I am just at home pitter-pottering around doing my hobbies then when he gets back we will have our Doctor Who watch evening with some homemade pizza he made with his cousin and some snacks. I'm looking forward to that, it's just what I need!

we officially ordered our wedding rings today, just simple gold bands, mine is a slimmer band and his is thicker as I prefer the more dainty style, even if my hands are anything but! (chubby hand problems) but I am excited, just over 4 months til our wedding. I am feeling pressure from my nana to look a certain way for the wedding, she has made many comments that I can't get out of my head, but I hope either way, I will be a beautiful bride and above all; that we will be (and already are) a happy couple and that the focus will be on the ceremony of us dedicating our love to each other and not how I look.

I keep having the lyric from Taylor Swift's 'Champagne Problems' in my head, "she would've made such a lovely bride, what a shame she's fucked in the head", well... I can be both! 🤣

"Your commitment to being authentic has to be greater than your desire for approval." - Ash Alves

This used to be a beautiful pond. And then the heat wave came.

Rain, please

Fall on windows,

On grass,

On still skeletal trees,

Where is the breeze?