#radicallyautistic

Looking for study participants: autistic people’s experiences of ABA

Let’s start by looking at the word normal. Many of us have heard phrases like “normal is only a setting on a washing machine.” Normal is a commonly used word that is no longer bound in the pages of the dictionary, but rather living and changing in the shrouds of cultural connotations and social ideals. Normal is steeped in the meanings that we as a society have bestowed upon it.

When normal is stripped down to it’s dictionary definition, we find that it appears to be similar to the word typical which is a word I use often when responding to asks. Normal is defined as “conforming to a standard; usual, typical, or expected” while typical is defined as “conforming to a type.” Based on just these definitions, the words are synonymous, however, when we begin to examine the social trappings that enshrouds these words, we find that there is actually quite to difference.

Normal means conforming to a standard. Pretty straightforward. Yet, what is the standard? More often than not, that standard is societal expectations. So, in essence, asking “is ___ normal?” is asking “is ___ socially acceptable?” For the standard upon which we are judged, the standard which we are expected to conform to, is not just whether a behavior occurs commonly but does it fall within the bounds of what is considered permissible by society.

Normal is a word that has been weaponized against many of us. Our autistic and other neurodivergent traits fall outside the narrow bounds of what is considered normal. From childhood, many of us are mistreated, bullied, and abused into behaving more normally. This is the whole goal of ABA after all. They dress it up in language of “indistinguishable from peers” but what is meant by that is normal. For many of us, our parents, our classmates, our teachers, our friends, and more push for us to be more normal, they push for us to conform to the standard set for by society.

And, many of us internalize this ableism. We push ourselves to be more normal, to fit in, to be like others so that we will be loved and accepted. We create these fake versions of ourselves so that we appear to be neurotypical, despite the enormous toll of this. We push ourselves to the break for fear of being weird, for fear of being deemed abnormal. We ask ourselves constantly if x, y, or z behavior is normal. We analyze ourselves for any signs of abnormality and try to hide them away beneath the persona we have created.

But why? Why are we trying to conform to an oppressive standard? Why are we forcing ourselves into boxes made for straight, white, able-bodied, neurotypical cismen and cutting off pieces of ourselves in the process?

Is it normal to stim? Is it normal to avoid eye contact? Is it normal to obsesses over interests or eat the same food over and over or focus so hard we forget to eat? No, but why does it matter? These things are not socially acceptable nor does it conform to the standard, but so what? What is the point in conforming to a society that wishes to chop us apart and discard the things that bring us joy or comfort so that we’ll fit into the narrow boxes crafted of normal?

I wish we got less questions asking if ___ is normal. Not because I think any less of those who phrase things this way, but because I know the internalized ableism that comes along with striving for normal. When almost every around us sends the message that we are strange, weird, abnormal, and that anything outside of normal is bad, it becomes easy to let these messages become a part of us and dictate how we feel about ourselves. When striving for normal, it becomes easy to discard the parts of us that don’t fit the narrative. We learn to hate the parts of ourselves that don’t conform, and, in the process, lose that which makes us beautifully unique individuals.

All of you deserve so much more than to live a life in the box of normal. You are such a wonderfully unique and special person. Why sacrifice that to conform to a society that would rather see you normal and miserable than happy as yourself? Why force yourself to be someone you’re not to conform to narrow ideas of normal?

Normal may be benign when looked at in the dictionary, but the social ideas that encompass and eclipse this are pretty ableist. Autistic people aren’t normal. People in wheelchairs aren’t normal. Mentally ill people aren’t normal. None of us with disabilities are normal. And that’s ok. So what if we don’t fit into the norms? So what if our lives don’t conform to what is socially proper and acceptable? What really matters is that we live the best lives we can. Not lives based on societies ideas of what is best but what is truly best for our own unique situations.

I can never live alone and I’m ok with that. I may never have the white picket suburban dream house, and that’s ok. You know why? Because I’m going to live the life that’s right for me. Sure, my life won’t conform to the standards, but it will be, and is, full of joy, growth, fulfillment, companionship, hope, and love.

So, no X behavior isn’t normal, but it may be typical for the autistic experience.

I will never shame anyone for using normal in an ask, but I do hope that you all consider the ableism behind normal as well as the internalized ableism you are likely harboring. Ask yourself what standards you are striving to conform to and why. Is it because they make you happy? Is it because this will help you get to where you want to go? Are you able to be yourself? If not, why is this something you want to conform to?

I ask that you take a hard look at yourself and ask yourself if you are living your life for you or if you are living for normal. If you have to cut away pieces of yourself or hide your true self, can you really be happy?

Thanks for taking the time to read my rambles. I hope that soon we’ll be seeing less questions about normal.

Live freely

Live radically

Live boldly

Live autistically