#quiet brain

Fuck this echoskepsi.

After about an hour of watching Robby putting his class through their drills, I need a break. My head is pounding...and after the night I had...I just wanna go back to my office, prop my feet up on the desk and get some sleep. Every time I close my eyes I see hers... accusing me... making me feel like the jerk I know I am...and I truly am that jerk.

I cross my fingers and look in the mini fridge for one of my Coors...and I wouldn't even care if it was from last year. Nope... bottles and bottles of water and this vitamin water bullshit and someone's juice box...gimme a break. *grabs water and puts the cold condensation to my forehead and flops down in my seat*

Why didn't you just tell her you were back, Lawrence...you know hindsight is 20/20 big time...but you were just trying to stop one hand grenade from going off without thinking of the after shocks...(she could have helped you...she would have...I know it, asshole... don't you think I know that?)

Now you've gone and made a bigger mess....you got no girl...the problem with Diaz and Robby isn't fixed and possibly worse. You probably money tanked your bar...Yep...you ain't never been one for problem solving, dude...just creating more shit to deal with.

I think about Ali then...what we talked about at the beach... what we talked about at the country club...how much sense she always made...how much she understood me when no one else did. I think about the hell I put her through and the no nonsense way she deals with my bullshit.

It's her as well as my old gang that truly know the Johnny Lawrence I am...I wish I could just say 'fuck it' and hang out with the guys... especially Bobby who...even though he was a bastard to me the other day, I know he was doing it for my own good...and he made an impact...on THAT situation...(still have a long way to go with Robby...but the temporary cease fire has been great)

I close my eyes and again... thoughts of her start up almost instantly...I don't know what's it gonna take...but I know this shit is hard...I can't even wear myself out or put my body through pain to push her out of my head...and him. *I groan at the thought of his hands on her and shake my head so vigorously I almost fall out of my chair*

You're an IDIOT...and you just gave her to him... I see her smiling at him...the smile that belongs to me...and I see her face as she tells me she won't come after me anymore...that she won't waste her time...* I wince and toss the bottle of untouched water in the trash... half satisfied of the *THUNK* it makes when I made the shot...who cares...*

I lean back and scrub my hands over my eyes...how do I make this all right?? Life isn't so easy anymore...so much has changed and I just can't *check out* I gotta fight for what I want...and all that I want is wrapped up in a maddeningly- frustrating-driving-me- nuts-body with the power to wrap me around her pinkie with a single look. Her kisses still felt on my skin... her touch...the way I've held her but respected her enough to not go all the way when I know I should have...I would have done ANYTHING she wanted to prove to her...I guess I still didn't listen to what she wanted... again... you're an idiot. Just forget it...let it go. Yeah...we know that ain't gonna happen.

"Lord...beer me strength..."