#questioing

Anxiety: Are you sure about that?

I discovered my sexuality in an odd way. I have talked about before who I told first and the story behind that, but now I will tell you about how I came to terms with it. Before I had told anyone about me being bi I went through a stage in my life where I was just trying out things with different people to see how it felt. When I had told Scott when I was 13 I had no idea what I was saying and I didn’t even know if that’s actually how I felt, but I said it anyway. I’ve always been a loud person so being myself was never something that I thought about I just did what I did and nothing more, but i was faced with the question, “Am I really being myself?” Now of course I was acting the same as I am now, but was identifying as straight who I really was or was I something else? I went back and forth with the terms for a very long time. I would stand in front of my bathroom mirror and tell myself that i was straight, bisexual, pan-sexual, lesbian, and etc. to see which one I felt most comfortable with. For awhile when I was 14 I just didn’t identify myself as anything because none of the terms fit me. At the beginning of my freshman year I started at a new school and made a lot of new friends, one group of people who I met changed my life for the better. 

That amazing group of friends changed my life and shaped me to who I am today. We were made up of a bunch of band geeks and queers. I quickly realized that I belonged with this group, and just as I started to develop a crush on two different people in the group a straight boy and a girl, who just recently came out as bi. I was very frustrated with these conflicting emotions that I was feeling. I was still not comfortable with my sexuality yet until I talked it out with them and realized how comfortable they were with their sexualities that I had the strength to own who I was. I was lucky enough to have friends who supported me like they do. I didn’t officially come out to them until the beginning of this school year, but everyone knew before that what I was and just didn’t say anything until I stated it myself. To me there is nothing better than hearing someone come out to you for the first time no matter if you already knew what sexuality they identified as it’s just different to hear them say it out loud to you.

I remember the night I finally looked at myself in the mirror, with a charcoal mask freshly applied to my face and steam still covering most of the mirror, and said that I was bi and it felt right. Suddenly everything I had ever felt seemed to make sense to me, and I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.  

I realize that I was lucky to have the group of friends I had and I understand that not everyone is that lucky. I just want all of you who read this to know that you are always welcome to talk to me about anything and I am always willing to help. That’s all for today my Princesses and Princes, just remember that not matter what being yourself is the best you you could possibly ever be.