#probably something else

i hate posting sketches this messy but ugh ghsdghds

The RFA party was slowly winding down, and she had to admit, it had gone a lot better than she’d expected. The guests had been better than she’d expected, and even the sketchier ones had been excellent. 

She finished thanking a guest for coming, and glanced over at the thinning crowd, eyes landing on Jumin, who was surrounded by a fan group who had originally been invited for Zen, but had apparently changed their alliance. 

She felt a tickle in her chest, one she tried desperately to suppress. She already knew what it was, knew that there would be more petals to join the slightly bloody ones already tucked away in her bag.

She wasn’t sure which flower the petals were from, but she had no doubt it had something to do with unrequited love. It had started not long after she’d joined the RFA. She’d ended up not being able to sleep, so she called Jumin. He’d been awake as well, and the conversation sh’ed had with him had pained his personality to her clearer than it’d ever been painted in the messenger. It was purely Jumin, and she loved it. 

She hung up the phone, and immediately coughed up petals, feeling the emotion take root.

She figured that she’d managed to hide it pretty well. She knew that her feelings for him would be nothing but a bother for him. The best she could do was be his friend, and that was all she could ask for. 

However, the vines constricting her chest felt otherwise, squeezing tightly as she watched one of the women gently touch Jumin on the arm. He didn’t move.

The tickle became irrepressible, and she couldn’t help but to try and hide her cough in her hand. It came away with more petals covered in red than she’d ever coughed up before. And based on the feeling in her chest, it wasn’t over yet. 

She couldn’t help but to drop to her knees, unable to breathe. She wasn’t sure what was causing her to panic more, the fact that she was pretty sure she was about to cough up an entire flower, or the fact that she could feel it moving up and out.

She must have blacked out for a second, as she suddenly came to when a gentle hand began to mover her up right. She cracked open her eyes, finding Jumin holding her up.

“Sorry.” She mumbled, and uncurled her hands slightly. She glanced down, finding a whole flower, drenched in blood. 

“No, why are you apologizing?” Jumin asked, desperation in his voice clear. 

“I didn’t hide my emotions well enough, and they still became a burden for you.” She mumbled. She lurched over suddenly, gagging harshly as another flower made it’s appearance. 

“You’ve never been a burden. You never will be.” Jumin said desperately, pulling her closer. “Please, stay with me.”

Everything began to go dark, and she felt her eyes slide close. It didn’t hurt as much when she was asleep. She registered Jumin’s words, but couldn’t find the strength to reopen her eyes, though she tried one last time to apologize.

“‘M sorry....”

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I love knowing there's something inherently wrong with how my brain works, but not being able to prove it.

I love having a therapist tell me they'd love to get me diagnosed, only to not have the funds for the test.