Everyone is the fucking worst and should just leave me alone to die
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@godlyloser
Everyone is the fucking worst and should just leave me alone to die

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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I feel like there are too many different things wrong with me but luckily I don't think I have a psychotic disorders so at least there's that. Hard to know really how much of my mental issues were caused by trauma though n how much are just there so it's difficult to know what turnoff help things I need I really wish that doctors would stop trying to constantly fuck my over there are so few people I asked for help from that actually give me it
I used to hate everyone else and now I just hate myself oop
Directly after my sexual assault I didn't have any sex drive at all for a long while which was fine cause I'm ace and I don't want a sex drive cause it's wildly inconvenient for me, but as I've been recovering over the years from my assault I get more occasional bouts of sex drive? It's still unpredictable and infrequent and never lasts more than a few days or perhaps a week but it's so so stressful when it does cause it's triggering for me, it makes me depressed, I hate other people so it's no an option to be intimate with some one and if I was just trying to masturbation or something it's really uncomfortable and difficult cause I don't know what the duck I'm doing I don't know what I am supposed to like and it's triggering and I usually spiral cause my body likes it but my brain hates it and when I start testosterone this will probably become an even bigger issue and it stresses me out
A random account on instagram sent me a direct message and asked if I wanted to chat and get to know them and I said no obviously because I am aggressively vocal about wanting to be left the fuck alone but my paranoid traumatized ass had to immediately think it was my abuser who had found me because the account had no post and no bio, just a weird username and anime icon. And now I have to worry he is watching me somehow and trying to talk to me so he can find out where I love and come kill me :-)

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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Sure would be swell if no one would ever sexualise me and people would stop being mean when I say I wanna be ugly
Maybe I wanna be ugly cause I don't want people to sexualise me or touch me or assault me okay maybe I feel like if I looked different people would leave me the fuck alone
Getting bad in the brain kinda wanna stab myself but it would be bad if I did so I guess I'll ignore it n try distract myself instead, just feel kinda empty n I want something to Happen but Things Won't Happen Unless You Do Something You Fuck
I'm horny as fuck now and lit don't know what to do oh well
Maybe I'm just bad at masturbation
Tried to Jack off and I don't think I came but it is so ducking hard to tell I just don't know
But I am very drunk so tbf I might not remember this tomorrow
I saw a bright white light and was feeling good but again might be the alcohol

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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Me, before my sexual assault, thinking about sex: I'm a sadistic top I get off on watching people cry I need all the power always I wanna hurt people
Me, after my sexual assault, thinking about sex: hurt me brutally but please don't say anything mean to me
Physical pain + emotional Support = ideal situation for me tbh I can deal with pain as long as ur not mean to me and don't manipulate me cause that shit is big bad no thanks
I would like to get physically brutalised why being verbally praised like beat me the fuck up while telling me really nice things like about how cute I am n stuff
If someone is mean to me I'll either get revenge or cry
If I don't do either it's because I didn't think it was mean
Had another dream about my abuser, probably because I found his old tumblr and saw pictures of him. It didn't make me have flashbacks and panic, well like a few flashbacks but they weren't overpowering, and then I had to delete some stuff related to Him from my main tumblr cause it was still there. Hhhhh anyway at least I managed to die in my dream so that was good

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
I really really REALLY don't want to have a sex drive ever it is a terrifying thought to me that I would ever want that sort of thing and it disgusts me to no end I feel like it would make me so much more suicidal
I've only had negative sexual experiences in my life so even if I understand logically that it's possible to have good sexual experiences that seems fucking fake i hate it that's propaganda stop trying to brainwash me into thinking that way I'm not some primal instinct driven thing that only wants physical pleasure that's bullshit get out of my head you worms GET OUT OF MY HEAD LEAVE ME ALONE I DONT WANT SEX ITS BAD
What even the fuck is wrong with me fr