Ulrich's Sad Stuff Blog

Everyone is the fucking worst and should just leave me alone to die

I feel like there are too many different things wrong with me but luckily I don't think I have a psychotic disorders so at least there's that. Hard to know really how much of my mental issues were caused by trauma though n how much are just there so it's difficult to know what turnoff help things I need I really wish that doctors would stop trying to constantly fuck my over there are so few people I asked for help from that actually give me it

I used to hate everyone else and now I just hate myself oop

Directly after my sexual assault I didn't have any sex drive at all for a long while which was fine cause I'm ace and I don't want a sex drive cause it's wildly inconvenient for me, but as I've been recovering over the years from my assault I get more occasional bouts of sex drive? It's still unpredictable and infrequent and never lasts more than a few days or perhaps a week but it's so so stressful when it does cause it's triggering for me, it makes me depressed, I hate other people so it's no an option to be intimate with some one and if I was just trying to masturbation or something it's really uncomfortable and difficult cause I don't know what the duck I'm doing I don't know what I am supposed to like and it's triggering and I usually spiral cause my body likes it but my brain hates it and when I start testosterone this will probably become an even bigger issue and it stresses me out

A random account on instagram sent me a direct message and asked if I wanted to chat and get to know them and I said no obviously because I am aggressively vocal about wanting to be left the fuck alone but my paranoid traumatized ass had to immediately think it was my abuser who had found me because the account had no post and no bio, just a weird username and anime icon. And now I have to worry he is watching me somehow and trying to talk to me so he can find out where I love and come kill me :-)

Getting bad in the brain kinda wanna stab myself but it would be bad if I did so I guess I'll ignore it n try distract myself instead, just feel kinda empty n I want something to Happen but Things Won't Happen Unless You Do Something You Fuck

I'm horny as fuck now and lit don't know what to do oh well

Maybe I'm just bad at masturbation

Physical pain + emotional Support = ideal situation for me tbh I can deal with pain as long as ur not mean to me and don't manipulate me cause that shit is big bad no thanks

I would like to get physically brutalised why being verbally praised like beat me the fuck up while telling me really nice things like about how cute I am n stuff

Had another dream about my abuser, probably because I found his old tumblr and saw pictures of him. It didn't make me have flashbacks and panic, well like a few flashbacks but they weren't overpowering, and then I had to delete some stuff related to Him from my main tumblr cause it was still there. Hhhhh anyway at least I managed to die in my dream so that was good

What even the fuck is wrong with me fr