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MF's it's BAMF time! - of the top 10 variety. Do I even need to say more? I probably do.

It's that time to honor all the people we've seen out in these mostly fictional streets, doing all of the things that we wish we could do (without getting arrested).

Last year's champ - BLACK WIDOW

But, she dead, so... I doubt there will be a repeat. But, let's see.

RULES:

#1 - Must have badass power #2 - Must have badass attitude #3 - Must be relevant to the majority in 2022

BOOM! Let's do this:

Honorable Mentions:

Team Peacemaker

Liam Neeson (my white daddy, always in the mix) Voldymr Zelensky (all politics aside - a real-life BAMF; didn't seem fair to put him in there with the fictionals)

Ashtray from “Euphoria” (you name a kid "Ashtray, and he's either gonna get his ass beat or be a BAMF... both kinda happened here)

Them “RRR” boys!

(I can’t tell you how much I love them and their movie. It hurts not to put them on, cuz this is now one of my favorite action movies, and they're awesome, but... no one knows what I'm talking about when I say "RRR"

Dude who fought a giant crab in “Love Death + Robots” ( if you don’t know, don’t worry about it)

Ben Affleck (you swoop in and take back your ex from a legendary MLB player... you get a mention) The Woman King The IronHeart The Wendy Byrde (badassery or mental illness? you be the judge, but either way - RESPECT) Sting, the wrestler (really just for being old) Wednesday Addams

Emily (the Criminal)

Ok, now that THAT'S out of the way:

#10 - Them Stranger Thangs Kidz:

I know they don't look very intimidating - outside of the super-powered girl (Eleven), one might not have a lot of confidence in them, but I do! Even though most of them look confused... and some look like they just shit themselves. BUT, think about what they did -

They went after THIS GUY, 

who's made a habit of making his victims levitate before crushing their eyes and bones.

They went after him on his turf, knowing there would be monsters screeching between them and him. And not being sure if they could even defeat him.

That takes some giant BAMF BALLS

#9 - Predator Chick

I don't remember the character's name, but the actor's name is Amber Midthunder. One more person who conquered their fears after seeing a beast be beastly, and then putting the smack down. Extra BAMF points for being seemingly (in a misogynistic universe, so... all universes, I guess:) the weakest, and using that non-truth to her advantage.

#8 - The Batman -

(that’s his “what-the-bleep-you-gonna-do-about-it?” face)

Batman always belongs on this list. He's pretty much the standard. If I don't put him on the list, people start coming to my home in the middle of the night, and threatening to take my credentials away. I don't even really need to say anything. I could talk about how in this movie, he simply stares people down (in silence), while collecting data on them. His enemies don't know what to think. He just let's them talk shit, while he computes how he's going to beat them down.

Then, there's the trailer:

He interrupts gang activity, beats the hell out of half of them, then makes a spectacle/example out of one poor soul who dared to ask "who are you?" THEN, my man responds to that question with "VENGEANCE". He could have said anything at that point and it would have been an exclamation point - "Batman" "The Night", "Steve" - doesn't matter.

You do all of that, and then shout out that you are vengeance incarnate.... yeah, BAMF.

#7 - Tom Cruise -

People (like myself) said the "theaters are dead". You've got OG's bitching about how the only movies people care about anymore are comic book movies. Then, Tom rides in on his motorcycle, and tosses "Maverick" at the feet of Hollywood. Hollywood looks at it... they've heard about this sequel to  (let's be honest) a bad movie, but they didn't believe it would ever happen. The film was glowing and they thought maybe they heard angels voices coming from the film. Masterpiece! I felt emotions I didn't know I could feel. And everyone must have been with me, cuz (at least for a moment) the theaters were booming again. Then, my dude puts out two awesome trailers for Mission Impossible, and promotes it all while standing on a plane (real life!) that's IN THE AIR.

Clap your hands all ye people, for Tom BAMF Cruise.

#6 - Thor -

Again, I don't need to say anything, but I will.

I could mention that the villain coming after Thor has a blade designed to kill him. Imagine if someone had a weapon called "The I'm going to torture and kill [insert your name] Blade". He tries to get help from frickin ZEUS, and Zeus and the gang are all scared of this villain, cuz their names are inserted on the blade as well. It's not just Thor's bravery, badassery, and muscles that has landed him on this list, but also his love. That's right, I said "love"! He fights for his love (Natalie Portman), who's sick. This is Thor we're talking about.... nobody would have blamed him if he said "Look, baby, you're sexy and all, but you're sick... this is too real for yours truly, the-gettin-booty-god -  a playa gotta play, you dig??" (I mean we should blame him, but... he's so damned charming). But, he instead stands by her, encourages her, and fights with, and for her. Badassery of love.

#5 - Strange! -

Do you remember that time that you possessed a dead alternate version of yourself, so you could dreamwalk to a hellish realm, so you could fight a witch and save the day? Ya damned right you don't! You know who can remember when they did that? - Doctor BLEEPING Strange! He's super nerdy, and normally we can't allow nerds into Club BAMF, BUT exceptions are a part of life.

Plus, he fought a lil bit in that movie... with his hands and feet! I thought he was all about hocus pocus. I had forgotten about his training. Rockin some tiger style, baby!

#4 - Gorr

I roll the r's on his name - seems more intimidating. "Gorr" (with no r's rolled) seems like a name for a simpleton, which he def is not! He went from a groveling worshipper to THE MAN you call when you want a GOD slayed. You don't even have to call him... he's probably out there doing it already; that's strong work ethic, kids.

Do you understand how ballsy that is?!

You know gods to be immeasurably powerful and seemingly unkillable. You find out that most of them are a bunch of assholes. So, you say to yourself "They ALL have to go. And imma make that cause my life's work." That's constructive rage, kids.

So, badass that all of the gods (these powerful beings) are hiding out.

#3 - Namor 

Everything about him is badass..

Look at him - you don't know if you want to fear him, worship him, be him, or bang him. I imagine it's similar to how Prince made people feel.

Namor!  Marvel's Prince!

He defended and saved his people. Led the building and reigning of a secret underworld kingdom. Comes and goes, freely, to and from Wakanda... without their consent. Nobody does that! That's like being able to break-in and raid Joe Biden's fridge whenever you want, and simply leave unharmed/unhindered. (BAMF)

He'll beat your ass in the water, he'll beat your ass on land, he'll beat your ass in the air. Doesn't matter. The only unBAMF-like thing about him are those chicken wings on his feet. You gotta cover them up, bro! Not out of shame, but just in case someone gets hungry.

Now, we’re at the end.

These last two were hard to decide between. -

Black Adam and Scarlet Witch

Both crazy powerful. Both with BAMF attitude.

Black Adam, pretty much can't be stopped. You can slow him down, you can manipulate him, you can trick him, but beat him?? Maybe if Superman were still around. But, honestly, I think he’d hold his own against Supes. 

His brooding anger will not be contained or deterred.

And then there’s the Witch! - who took out armies and super-powered groups (who's goal is to stop people like her) with little trouble. She got a lil banged up here and there, but everybody can’t get that I-never-bleed clause into their contract, like The Rock :)

They're both kinda murderous though, right?? Not something that your rambling praphit wants to promote with #1 honors.

The big difference is their motivations:

BA didn't ask to be around in the present; he was set free by some dumbass Tomb Raider-wannabes, with a lust for power. Black Adam is more like an emotionally wounded grizzly. You see it, it comes up to you and tells you to get out of the way. If you don't, it'll murder you... and that's kinda your fault.

The Witch is a straight up bully. She's trying to reclaim her "family" (that she magically created while torturing a whole community btw), and she doesn't care who has to die in the process; especially not some lil Puerto Rican girl (America Chavez). No bullies allowed at the top... unless they're complex, and their fury can be rationalized... and they're played by The Rock.

#2 - Wanda

#1 - BLACK ASS ADAM

Does the race of Jesus matter? This is a question that many have gotten into before, and are left with a variety of answers. What do you think? I always jokingly end the conversation with "Go to a church with a bunch of paintings of white Jesus, and replace them with black Jesus, and you'll have your answer." But, let's think this through.

Two things:

1) How do Christians view Christ vs how they should?

2) How do non-Christians view Christ?

First, we'll talk about the Christians:

Jesus was (and IS) God, but He is also MAN. In most cases, how we view Christ as a man shapes how we view Him has God; it shouldn't, but it does. We all have to manage the stereotypes that we hold in our heads about certain people groups. It is very possible to project those stereotypes onto Jesus (The Son of GOD). White people can certainly relate more to a white Jesus than a black Jesus (or any other race for that matter). There are even black people who subconsciously look for a "white savior", and Jesus (white Jesus), can be that for them. This is only scratching the surface when talking about this issue, and how various people groups react to seeing the race of Jesus. Not to mention how kids start to form their opinions about Jesus, religion, the world, and different communities, as they consistently see Jesus in a certain way.

All the while there is this scripture Exodus 20: 4-6, the second commandment.

Now, as an artist, I view painting a picture of Jesus as merely art and not a breaking of the commandment, but it becomes a problem when we add paintings as such to our times of worship. Especially, these days, when we're in the midst of social evolution on these types of matters.

So, to recap:

We SHOULD view God as God, as light, and not box Him in by a human shell. There is actually scripture on that as well in 2 Cor. (find scripture).

We are still very much impacted by Jesus' portrayal in art, including impacted by His portrayed race.

(Not to mention that we KNOW Jesus was Jewish, hung out in the Middle East, and often walked from place to place in an abundance of sunlight.)

Next, we have to talk about how non-Christians view Christ. For the sake of this post, I've narrowed views down to these (as a teacher, as a character, as a fairy tale):

#1 - Teacher

At the very least, one (who does not believe that Jesus is God) should acknowledge that the Bible has some wisdom in it; this includes the words of Jesus Christ. But, the teachers of whom we allow to shape our lives hold more power for us when we can relate to them, and us relating to them starts with whether or not we look alike. I am not saying that this is the way it should be, but this is the way that it often is when deciding how much weight to give a person's ideas or knowledge. We won't accept knowledge from someone of whom we do not respect. Ex. If someone who is white is trying to pass out wisdom to a black person, even if that black person respects that white person for other reasons, they still have in the back of their mind, "Yeah, but this person is white.". Or if a man tries to give advice to a woman, even if that woman respects that man, and is receiving the advice from him (in part), there's still a "Yeah, but he's a man." in the back of her head. It's the "Yeah, but..." that COULD end up being a problem, in a variety of ways.

#2 - Character

There are certain people in human history who are real, but I don't have enough information about them to make them real to me. Like George Washington, I know he existed, but he's just a character to me. I'm not moved by the thought of him one way or the other (in general). Now, if you were to mention MLK Jr, I would feel a certain way immediately, due to his race, and what he has done for people who look like me. It doesn't even have to be someone who is no longer with us. Kanye West, is quite a character. I have little in common with Kanye (that I know of, because I do not know him). He's a musician, as am I. And he is black, as am I. Not much more than that can we connect on, other than the fact that I like his music. If he were to speak on his financial situation, I would not be able to relate. But, if he were to speak on an issue of race, it's a different story. Jesus is the same here. For some, they know he was an actual person, but there would have to be a specific convo on a topic of which that person can relate, for Jesus' race to matter to them.

#3 - Fairy Tale

Here it doesn't really matter what Jesus' race is, because any angst or complaints to a fictional character always fall on the one who created the character, and in this case, for that person, it would be the church. Though racial issues can definitely projected onto the Church as a result.

So, where does this leave us?

If they were to make Batman black, people would lose their minds. If they were to make Wonder Woman black, people would lose their minds. There are even black people who would lose their minds over such a thing, because it's different. We are naturally against change. We are used to our heroes being as they are, completely pure in the notion of how we see them. We are naturally frightened when our beliefs are threatened.

There is a deeper problems within religion of our beliefs never being challenged; of our methodology never being questioned. We take all such challenges as an attack on the religion/the God in which we believe, but what if it's simply a opposition towards us, not our gods?? Sometimes, we need to be challenged in order to sharpen our beliefs. People in power (mostly white people, and mostly men) use their power to suppress these challenges. They feel the same way that others feel when threatened, only they have the means to do something about it. Their power gives them a sense of entitlement; a sense of purpose to keep their joint ideals "sacred".

Does Jesus' race matter? I believe that it does, but it's debatable.

What's not debatable, is that at the top of the power structures of Christianity, there are white people, who have the power and sense of entitlement to keep THEIR Jesus white. In doing so, they protect their "culture". In doing so, they feel safe. In doing so, they remain in control, while minorities either have to accept the fact that they're on the outside (in delusional joy or in disdain - because deep down we know what time it is) or continue to challenge the notion of a Jesus who only fits one type of person, and be seen as a rebel.

I had heard nothing good about this movie. 

NOTHING! I heard that there was an unnecessary sex scene, but I didn't hear anything good about that either. Don't worry... I mean the sex scene is there, but it's nothing for the parents to be concerned about - concerning nudity. It does feel like the sex scene goes on longer than it actually is. I’m picturing families around the globe all awkwardly watching Disney’s dull, unnecessary sex scene. At least if it was Disney’s loud, graphic, nasty sex scene that horrified children, that would be something to talk about - BUT NOTHING! Nothing good!

Putting that (which is nothing good) aside, perhaps it'll still be good. Just think about this cast:

Kumail Nanjiani (Buff AF)

(seriously, the veins in his arms are ridiculous)

They resurrected Angelina Jolie (bonafide ass-kicker)

Salma Mutha Bleepin Hayek!

My main man,  Brian Tyree Henry, known by "Atlanta" fans as "Paper Boi"

That sexy ass dude from "Game of Thrones" that your wife would admit to your face that she'd leave you for

And did I mention Salma Mutha Bleepin Hayek??!

Eternals - Who are they? And why should we care?

They're pretty much like any other team that has issues, but always unite just in time to save the day: The X-Men, The Avengers, The Muppets

- just more powerful then those groups.

There's always someone with super speed, one with strength, one who's a psychopath and skilled with weapons, a Superman wannabe. They're all here, and more; even Sexy GOT Guy 

- although he doesn't have any revealed powers YET, unless you count being charming. That's not all that useful in battle though. Probably why he's not in the movie all that much. The woman he's with in that pic is one of the main characters, and everyone knows a person's side-action can't be involved in your main story.

We should care about them, because they're earth's protectors. They've been protecting mankind from creatures called "Deviants" The people at the party who get too drunk.

The people who don't cover their mouth when they're feeling sick, and walk around wiping snot on their sleeves.

Those people putting boogers underneath of tables and on walls.

Real nasty stuff!

But, they look like this -

The Eternals find time to get some messages across between fighting Deviants as well. Upfront, there's a diverse cast. There's a message about protecting your family. There's a mental illness part of this story too, that I appreciate. And some climate change action. They've even got Greta Thunberg up in here :) 

I thought it really was her at first. I was like "Oh shit! Greta is tired of all the bureaucracy. She dun collected the infinity stones and crew, and is PISSED!" (actually 14 year old actress Lia McHugh. She's really good in this!).

The Greta plot line would have been better, cuz even with this talented cast (all good btw), the monsters, the messages, and the Marvel budget - this movie is kinda boring. Not “I’m about to fall asleep” boring, but a “oh that’s cool, so is that... that’s ok.... cool I guess.... ok, let’s get on with it” kind of boring. The production and cast are great, but... I found myself watching this with a “meh” expression for most of it.

I mean look at this picture again. 

None of them are even doing anything. At least get your pose on or flex, smirk, give me the finger... SOMETHING! Convey any emotion at all! Nope. They're just going to stand there.

Not just boring, but gloomy.

It has a "GOT" vibe to it - that could be good news or bad, depending on who you are.

I don't say this just because of the look, the dragon looking deviants,  Kit (the sexy GOT side-action), Magic, a character named Sersi (tho spelled diff) banging a person they call family, or someone sitting on a throne. It's the constant war-mode. Even when they're not fighting, they're still emotionally fighting, and scheming. There's some funny here and there (mostly provided by Kumail and Paper Boi), but not enough, and not enough time for the audience to see relationships forming. Even with the sex scene, to the audience, the two people just met. "Didn't y'all skip some steps?! Are you THAT horny?! Don't you have a mission?!"

There's brief levity and then back to the doom and gloom. And like "GOT" they've got no shortage of scenes with the background music of creepy monks, sopranos, and an ominous string section.

Ultimately, this movie is ok. I'm glad it exist. I'm glad I saw it, but I'm not in a hurry to see it again. There are those who criticize this movie, saying it has the dark, sad feel of a DC movie, and those people are mostly right.

It just feels like a waste of talent:

You had Jolie, fresh with frustration concerning her ex. You could have named one of the Deviants "Brad". Let an action scene between her and him get brutal, and really announce that she's back!

Kumail is very funny, but he needed a partner in comedy, and more scenes.

This guy 

- not funny. He looks tired. There’s no funny in that face. That face says “Shoot me.”

Let's replace him with... idk, this guy has been making me laugh, recently.

  Why can't Tim Robinson be an Eternal? He's not quite in shape, but he's hilarious, and that's what this movie needs. On that note of being "in shape", why did Kumail get so buff? I thought that he was going to have some shirtless scenes or have super strength, and some badass fighting scene moments... nah, he hangs back and shoots energy balls from his hands. You don't need to be fit to do that.  My man T.Rob here could have done that! They could have at least brought Buff Kumail in for the sex scene!

They probably had some Marvel money left over that had to be spent, and he raised his had first. Imagine if Greta here, got the chance to be Marvel-buff.

There's apparently  a big deal being made (in Gulf Nations) over a gay couple in here who kiss. I think Marvel should have leaned into it... literally, and made the unnecessary sex scene an unnecessary gay sex scene. All kinds of close-ups, as an F U to the Gulf.

I will say that this movie will make you feel some things.  As I said, the acting is very good. If this flick had more emotional-ups in it, the harsh feelings in here would have it even harder. 

Grade: C+

Idk if there's going to be a sequel. They've certainly set it up to have one. I'm reminded of Thor. The 1st movie was good enough. The 2nd - yuck, but then they found their way to some fun adventure and comedy in the 3rd. Perhaps Eternals just needs some time to evolve. Maybe get a sequel with Kumail, Paper Boi, and Greta going on a wacky, comedic adventure. Perhaps they get bored with saving the world and decide to simply have fun all of the time. Like, aggressively fleeing opportunities to save the day, and preferring debauchery instead. Then, maybe you’ve got something.

It could be Marvel's "The Hangover".

Happy New Year, everybody! 

The start of this year was similar to that of the mini-series “WandaVision”

(my runner-up show of the year)

We were all wounded by 2020, so we kinda locked into some delusional hopes for 2021. It was cute.

Eventually, things seemed suspicious, like plans weren’t going to go forward as we had hoped. 

(Olson, my actress of the year)

Then, we chose our sides, and wanted (and still want) to fight each other.

Don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of reasons to want to fight.

Virus  (best movie with symbiotes in it).

Our climate ( in more ways than one).

She was actually made free! But, there are “Free Britney Activists” in the world now, so... I guess now they’ll devote their time to freeing ALL of the Britney’s of the world. 

Rich white people doing rich white people things.

The machines path to inevitably taking over.

The list goes on and on...

It didn’t take us long to give into fear and hate did it?

But, I don’t want to focus on that right now. Let’s celebrate some of the moments of 2021 that put smiles on our faces.

ADELE CAME BACK!- 

To make us emotional... for now... though I’m certain she’ll abandon us for another 3 to 5 years, only to make us emotional again (lather, rinse, repeat) It’s a weird relationship we have with her isn’t it?

(my runner-up Album of the Year)

Mac & Cheese Ice Cream!

Yep :- /

Bernie Sanders, as always, making it cool to be old and crotchety. 

I put out new music. Yesir! 

(a taste)

(more than a taste)

(My Album of the Year. You might be saying “How can you give yourself your own award?” 

I do whatever the hell I want :) Don’t hate cuz my tunes make the kids feel :)

PAUL RUDD became 2021′s sexiest man alive.

I can see that... 

It’s not so much a Michael B Jordan type of sexiness, but more of a... a man watching the kids (not his) of a woman (his girlfriend... sure) who’s out partying tonight... with her guy-friend (totally not a date). And even though she won’t be back until the next morning (late morning), he trusts her. 

- that type of sexiness, I can see that for sure :)

Silk Sonic (my Sexiest Album of the Year Award). Even this pic is oozing with sensuality.

If you don’t believe that music alone could get someone pregnant, just take a listen, and you will.

“I Think You Should Leave” season 2

(Tim Robinson is def my Funny Person of the Year)

LUBIN TOOBIN IS BACK!

For all of you perverts out there who have been longing for the day you can do what he did, and have it be no big deal... that day came this year. Congrats.

The 2021 Olympics!

As always, giving us reasons to cheer and to simultaneously cringe.

Cash in the walls!

Times have been tough for everyone, including churches. But, God, apparently, “blessed” Joel Osteen with gobs of money in the walls of his church.

I’m not making that up! Hey, preachers, pick yourselves up a sledgehammer and try your faith.

The Washington Football Team scandal (and no real punishment in sight).

You might be asking how this could be a good thing? Well, it’s not. It’s a truly horrible thing (it’s worth looking up if you haven’t heard). BUT, if you’re as rich and powerful as the owners of the NFL are, then this story might give you a smile of relief. Finally, a win for the rich,abusive, white guys out there.

And... this - Ye (my Artist of the Year), DaBaby, and Marilyn Manson? - on stage with each other? Mac & Cheese Ice Cream was more predictable.

It has to be the work of the same god who put money in Joel Osteen’s walls that made that happen.

We can’t reflect only on the good. We must learn from difficulties and battles of 2021 as well, right??

We learned that dragons ARE real! 

... and that no matter how slip... sorry, wrong pic

We learned that dragons ARE real! And that no matter how slippery they can be, with diligence and some hocus pocus on your side, they can be slayed.

(”Shang-Chi”, btw, my Personal Fave Flick of the Year - don’t argue with me)

Lil Nas X’s “Montero”!

The music is NOT the bad thing. I liked most it (though if you listen to the lyrics of some songs, he seems sad)! I like him as an artist. I like his style, and his videos. I, for one, salute his marketing strategy in 2021.

I just can’t get the imagery of someone twerking on the lap of a seemingly bored Satan, out of my mind. The devil doesn’t look like he’s having any fun does he?

And our kids are going to imitate this art. I don’t know if any of the parenting books out there prepare parents for kids shaking it in front of Satan, and then putting blood in their shoes.

“MALIGNANT” - my Comedy of the Year

“Why?” “How?” If you watch the 3rd act of this movie, then you’ll know.

VAGINA CANDLES ARE EXPLODING!

A real story and a real problem!

Dr. Seuss... racist as shit!

TOM BRADY (my Athlete of the Year)

- proving that unlike Bernie Sanders, one is not doomed to being cold and lovably irritable when they get old. Sometimes, when you get old, you when another Super Bowl ring.

The Weeknd was lost and confused.

.... as were many, who started wondering, if the cult rumors were true with this performance. I dug it though:)

There has been an increase of conspiracy theories that certain artists, including The Weeknd, are conjuring spirits and portals to Hell during their performances. 

Obviously, that’s nutty. But... nothing would surprise me after the last couple of years.

Perhaps the end of all things will kickoff during an Olivia Rodrigo concert.

And lastly, we learned a lot from “Squid Game” (my Show of the Year)

Probably not as much as we should have learned from it, but more to never play “Red Light, Green Light” ever again.

(the old man, btw, my Actor of the Year ---- which doesn’t make much sense, only that I loved that character.)

2021 Praphie Award goes to - 

Willem Dafoe!

This is completely an inside joke that’s not worth explaining, but imagine this fine actor selling products such as:

“Willem Dafoe’s Sauerkraut Juice”

“Willem Dafoe’s Homemade Breast Milk”

“ Willem Dafoe’s Half-Eaten Apple Pies”

“Willem Dafoe’s Sexy-Parts Trimmer”

I want to publicly thank Willem Dafoe for all of the laughter he’s given me and my colleagues in 2021.

The more this face can sell, the better off we’ll all be.

Last Year’s Slogan to live by:

“If you love something, let it go. If it doesn’t return to you, hunt it down, and kill it.”

This saying was truly inspirational.

2022′s slogan shall be:

“Recently, I made a promise to myself that the next time I got a boyfriend, I’d be on the lookout for red flags. And if I saw any, I would do the healthy thing and I would murder him.” ~ Harley Quinn (”Suicide Squad 2″)

I think there’s a lot of wisdom there, people. 

Meditate upon it, build healthy relationships, have fun, stop overreacting, and ENJOY THE COMING OF 2022.... oh, and don’t look up.

I like Tom Holland a lot. I love him as Spider-Man! 

I mean, he looks like someone who'd be a good friend... or someone you'd like to beat up and shove into a locker... I'm conflicted; perhaps both... a delightful, complicated friendship is what he looks like. But, he seems charming. He's adorable as he keeps trying to be an action hero. 

And who isn't on team "Tomdaya"?? 

(ZenHolland?) idk. Like I said, I love his Spider-man, but that dude is always getting into trouble.

No Avenger has bleeped-up more than Peter Parker (well, except for maybe Iron-Man).

Though I will say, that normally he's bleeping up cuz he's trying to do the right thing. While other times he bleeps up simply because he's a kid. This time around, he botched a super-villain-ass-beating by allowing the villain to reveal his secret identity (in the last movie).

You wouldn't think it's that big of a deal, being that everyone knows who all the Avengers are... they're all kind of attention-whores.

 It's not just the sharing of the identity, but the poses, the press conferences, and when there isn’t a crisis around, they just create them. 

But, with Peter, it seems like he could have just denied that he's Spider-Man, right?. People with mountains of hard evidence against them deny it all of the time. I don't think they even have any pics/vids of Spider-Man. But, sure, let's all take the word of a dude with a fish bowl on his head.

And with his identity revealed, there are all kinds of issues that arise: the media demonized him, the media politicized him (root for him and you're a "snowflake", we need more guns on the streets to take these vigilantes down), the fans made things awkward for him (especially at school), plus there’s always TMZ, and there were probably nude leaks or something... cuz why not?? - and most importantly, his family and friends were put in danger. When most people get stressed they turn to binge-eating, or binge-drinking, or  binge-watching, or hit up their weed guy/gal. Peter on the other hand has a "magic guy" in Dr. Strange. 

And if you've seen the trailer, then you know that there's a spell cast to make everyone forget that Peter is Spider-Man, and that Peter screws it up. This isn't your typical "oops, I destroyed some property" or "oops, I missed with my webbing, and hit a kid in the eye, and now there's a lawsuit against me." this was "oops, I cracked open other dimensions, and now villains from those worlds are after me."

From this point forward, we're pretty much going down memory lane (past Spidey movies). They kinda used this as a way to correct mistakes.

Jamie Foxx's "Electro" is here , 

but this time his character isn't lame, and HE'S NOT BLUE!

The Lizard makes an appearance... meh. 

They can’t fix the bad cgi/design job of that movie he was in.

  They start to get into some mental health/illness issues with all of them, but especially Doctor Octopus and The Green Goblin. Though most of our mental health's would be poor if we turned ourselves into some sort of monster.

Speaking of The Green Goblin, Willem Dafoe is great! By great I mean creepy AF (as he should be). Age has not made him lose any creepiness at all.

Oh, and there was a Sand Guy, but he was forgettable. 

You might as well of had James Franco up in there. I would love James Franco to simply play himself. How to fix THAT guy, there's a real challenge.

And it's at this point when the movie becomes a video game. Spidey has to track villains down and try to set things right. I don't necessarily mean it's a video game in a bad way. It's exciting, but it feels like you're going through levels without much character development. If I had any complaints about this movie, this would be it. Also, there's a minor mental health bend to the story. Peter is trying as hard as he can to "cure" these villains. So, it's kinda one more movie where a mental illness equals being a villain or a burden. We just need to lock you up, until we can find a serum to make it all better. I wish! - though if there was a shot to be taken to cure bipolar, dementia, etc etc... people probably wouldn't take it. All that being said, this is just a movie; a comic book one at that, so I will not take any points away.

This movie is a exceptionally enjoyable:  the Spidey-Action that’s still creative after like 20 movies, the CGI is better than it’s ever been (except for Lizard :), Dr. Strange scenes making us salivate for "The Multiverse of Madness". If you've watched all of the Spider-Man films up to this point, I can't see how you wouldn't love this. It’s a shower of fan-appreciation and easter eggs. The problem is, if you haven't done your Spidey-homework... you might be a lil lost. They play all of the emotionally high hits of every Spidey movie ( and I mean that in the best way).

They also play the emotionally low hits of every Spidey movie, and it's very good, but sad... (I also mean this in the best way).

(I’m don’t remember which scene or movie this gif is from. He looks like he’s watching Zendaya cheat on him.)

Holland be acting his ass off towards the end of the film. You can really see how Peter has grown and how he will grow for future movies. I even had to fight back a half a tear or two, cuz I sure as hell ain't crying in no Spider-flick. But, the stakes are real.

Ok, so... I lied.

Slight spoiler...

VERY SLIGHT...

VERY VERY SLIGHT...

Seriously, you should know this by now, I sure did, going in...

The Spider-men from the other films DO appear, and with each appearance, the audience I was with went crazy! That's all I'll say.. other than I would LOVE a "Spider-bros movie! Their chemistry is adorable.

Ladies and Gentlemen, it has been a long road to get here. 

"Black Widow" starts after "Civil War", which was about five years ago, but even before that... like WAY before -

The People: 

"Everybody else has their own movie! Where's Black Widow's?! "Iron-Man" of course, "Thor" a god who comes to earth? - yeah, been done (by every religion!), The Hulk got movies and they sucked! Hawkeye? - who gives a shit?? but the one WOMAN in the group can't get a movie! Bleep you, Marvel!" (the people had a lot to say).

Marvel: "What?! We're not sexist! I mean.... maybe this guy is 

(google it), but not us! And don't say Iron-Man 2. There's nothing wrong with that outfit.

C'mon!

I know it was a lil tight around biscuits, but that's the only size we had! We told her that she could unzip as much as she wanted to give her some heavy breathing space. What do you people want from us??!"

The People: "A Black Widow Movie!"

So, after all of the men got their movies, and Scarjo's character died, they started working on BW's film :)

Then, COVID happened, and now FINALLY, for the low price of 30 bucks, you can watch it on Disney plus.

In case you forgot about "Civil War", Tony Stark was being a butthead, and allowed his team/family to be locked up. They hadn't caught Black Widow yet, so this old lead agent... guy (what's his face.... 

Ha! I just looked up his name... "Thunderbolt Ross". Thunderbolt?! Ha! aaaaah, his mustache is more worthy of that nickname than he is...) said "Where's the sexy one of the group? - she should be easy to catch."

His subordinates: "Capt?? We still don't know, sir. But, I doubt he'll be EASY to catch."

Thunderbolt (Ha! aaah): "No, fool! The woman! - who's uniform doesn't fit!"

Tony Stark: "Black Widow? - she went that way."

They tracked her down to some bathroom, and that's where our story starts - with Scarjo on the toilet. I'm joking, but how great would that be??:) I imagine that this wouldn't even be allowed. You know how certain action heroes have it in their contracts that they're not allowed to lose a fight in their films?? - I bet Scarjo has it in her contract that she's not allowed to be put in unattractive situations. Case in point, there are a couple of times in this movie where BW's nose is bleeding from fighting - still looking good though (somehow). Think about being on a date and your guy/gal’s nose starts bleeding... yeah, not attractive.

Of course they can't catch BW, cuz she's a freaking Avenger! She escapes and ends up down memory lane, where she reunites with her other "family".

David Harbour (who's great in this), as The Red Guardian. 

Pretty much a pudgy, Russian version of Captain America. That, my friends, is the beard and gut of Russia.

Rachel Weisz, 

the super smart mama, who forcefully teaches pigs to act like dogs and humans (you'll see).

And Florence Pugh - (Yelena), 

who's just as bad ass as her sister BW. She's got a bit of a death wish though.

As far as villains - there's this RPOS (real piece of shit) named Dreykov, whom I'll get to in a sec. And Taskmaster, 

who's kinda like if Skeletor and Snake Eyes had a baby, and that baby grew up to obsess over the Avengers' fighting styles (TaskyMasky has the special ability to mimic anyone's fighting moves).

"TaskyMasky"? Nickname? No? We'll move on.

Add prison breaks, explosions, car crashes, lots of jumping out of windows, and women with knives moving very fast, and you've got one of the most badass movies of the year!

Back to Dreykov (RPOS)- he's been picking up young girls around the world and forcing them to go through his “training program” to be his mindless assassins (and God knows what else). He has their minds controlled by some sort of serum.

There's a solid amount of dark content to chew on here, but they're able to do so with levity. Here's a note for DC's movie universe:

This film deals with the horror of what I just described, abandonment, lots of family issues, guilt (cuz BW has done some things and some stuff), fighting for control over your life, and yet... I never feel the need for an antidepressant).

If this were DC, we'd soak in these issues. Batman has been unloading the death of his parents on us for decades. When you gonna come out of the shadows and dance again, Batman?!

"BW" is able to make you feel how serious these problems are, but also able to keep the escapism train moving.

The action in this movie is on point! I have to say that it's way better than "F9" (which I recently saw). The fighting is slick and even the car chases/crashes are better than "F9"

TaskyMasky (you're right, it sucks), is scary. TM reminded me of Michael Myers a bit. You're alone watching movies and eating ice cream when all of a sudden there's this demon staring at you.

I don't want to keep comparing it to "F9", but BW and Yelena must have went to the same action hero school that Vin Diesel went to. They're both on that diet that makes their bones rubber, and their skin fireproof. And what's the deal with Black Widow always jumping down from crazy high heights, with no plan on how she's eventually going to land? Maybe SHE’S the one with the death wish... and that wish was eventually granted

 (not too soon still, right? - Smh. They even made her death posh).

The Matrix -like acrobatics and unbreakable bones stuff didn't bother me, but the ending did a lil bit. The ending gets silly and sloppy. I give BW Batman-type passes, because again, she's a freaking Avenger! But, c'mon, writers... There's a point when everything (and I mean EVERYTHING) is blowing up AND falling to the ground from way up in the air. None of the characters know how this will all land, and that's how the ending feels as well. It's like they sobered up, and said to themselves "Crap, we still need an ending. Bleep it, we'll just write some random stuff and have Scarjo do some heroic poses... it'll be fine."

And her poses are great, 

but... no, it will not be "fine".

There's something that happens with the RPOS that made me literally LOL. BW also engages in a lot of stupidity towards the very end. Plus, Marvel has been developing a habit of brushing horribly acts done by their "heroes" under the rug. BUT, despite all of this, I'd still say this is one of my top ten... not just Marvel movies, but action movies in general. I'll grade it some what by wild action movie standards.

Good stuff!

Grade: B+  Makes me sad once again that BW is no longer with us. We can all admit it.  We're all thinking the same thing - it should have been Hawkeye.

I didn't mention my main man Olatunde Olateju Olaolorun Fagbenle! His friends call him O.T.

He plays some dude named Rick. Rick finds himself in BW's friend zone. This film taps at a bunch of emotional notes, but none so sad as the delusional note that Rick believes he's actually gonna get any from BW. He's trying though. He hooks her up with fake I.D.'s, transport (a frickin Jet), cool weapons, pertinent info, a place to stay, and all FOR FREE! I'm sure he's saying to himself "Sure, I'm going broke and the FBI are now after me for helping her, but (as he looks at that bod, now covered up in clothes that fit her properly) it'll all be worth it.

She knows damn well what she's doing! Out of all of the sins from her past as an assassin (and there are A LOT of them... my God) this might be the coldest one. Forget booty action, not a peck on the cheek, not a hug, not even a hand shake! I'm trying to think if she even ever said "thank you". She did kick him once while he was sound asleep, to wake him up. Maybe that's all he needs to keep fueling his delusion.

When the trailer for this movie first came out, I was hyped! From the cast, to the bad ass bus scene, to Wong vs The Abomination,

 I was sold! 

Of course you had the people who came out saying "This is Marvel trying to be woke again. Hate crimes against Asian people on the rise, and here comes Marvel with Shang-Chi" We know this to be crazy, because Marvel already had this in the works, but certain people still reacted that way. But, even if that notion were true, would that be so bad?

It wouldn't absolve the ignorance, hatred, violence, and toxicity. But, if someone in Hollywood said "We've screwed over Asian people in films for like... ever. What if this time we choose a popular Asian character to base a movie on, and we DON'T do that?"

Now, (being that this movie supposedly leans on Chinese culture, with Shang-Chi being Chinese) China might argue that they still did them wrong (valid racist historical ptsd, cultural splicing, the whole martial arts thing, plus the main character is actually Canadian). It's not my place to weigh-in. But, I will say that making Shang-Chi Canadian, NOT a martial artist, but instead a hockey player, who loves Drake, and co-starring another Canadian, like Micheal Cera or someone 

probably wouldn't have worked as well for the MCU. Then, maybe Canada would have a problem with Marvel. I don’t envy movie-makers in this context. 

When I was a kid I was big into Black Belt Theater, Bruce Lee movies, 

Bruce Leroy, 

and within my love for martial arts and fighting entertainment was 

Shang-Frickin-Chi. 

I liked it, though I remember it being a lil racist. It's weird going back in time to see your fav childhood shows and books that wouldn't fly today:

I mean we've certainly been a lot more sensitive these days:

Regardless, Shang-Chi is here! (played by Canada's main man Simu Liu) He goes by the name of Shaun! 

Don't let that name fool you. Shaun will whup that ass! He says "Bleep all those super powers, and serums, a suits, and magic, and the rubber bones of Widow! That's some ol bullshit! All I need is my Wu-Tang style!" A style fueled by his daddy issues. And he's got some serious daddy issues. To be fair, his dad is the villain of the story. If your father was the active villain of your story, you'd also have issues.

Awkwafina is his sidekick

(much better than Michael Cera would be), she plays as Katy. That's fun. Every Katy I've ever known has been fun... and a heavy drinker:) This Katy is here to drive fast and crack jokes.

Ladies and Gentlemen, your new Marvel duo!

It's not just daddy issues for Shang-Chi, but mommy issues (she dead), avoidance issues, his sister kicks him in the balls. He didn't even seem shocked. I mean, his balls were shocked, for sure, but it seemed like she just did that all of the time. I'm imagining Christmas when they were kids. "Here's your gift, bro. KNEE TO THE NUTS Merry Christmas" What kind of relationship is that? And why?! - well, he did abandon her for like 10 years, but... you know, that's plenty of time for her to get over it, right?? So, we'll say sister issues, his daddy training him to be an assassin issues, and his friends have issues with him! - AND KATY! They don't respect Marvel's new duo. They think Shaun and Katy should be doing more with their lives.

They are both valets during the day, and at night they rock drunken karaoke. That seems like the perfect life to me.

But, Daddy and his power rings couldn't allow them to keep living the dream. I haven't mentioned the ten rings yet. 

They give him super-duper-magical martial arts powers, and make him eternal. AND made him an asshole.

To be fair, he was probably already an asshole before the powers. He's been killing a lot of people. You figure he's been around for 1000+ years. His wife is dead, and he has no hobbies. It's not like he kills a few people and then goes home to read a book, or play video games, or make TikTok videos. It's sunrise to sunset killing all day, every day for generations. Then, he forms an evil terrorist group called "Ten Rings" to amplify his killing.

"Murder Death Rings" are what they should be called.

"Daddy Death Punchy Time"

""Dead Doomy Rangs of Killer Dad"

"The Legendary Killer Rings of Deadly Death Death Murder Pops"

"The... " sorry, I've been drankin a lil bit while I write... I lost my place.

I like "Daddy Death" Where was I?

Right! He can't have Shaun being happy! We've gotta get this plot going, so he sends the only white dude he can find in this movie to start some trouble for them. I guess, there might have been a couple of more white people in the film, but they all got the snot beat out of them in that bus scene. This white dude's name is "Razor Fist", yep... "Razor Fist!". 

At least they didn't stick to the original design. 

Ridiculous. How does he use the bathroom?

He's played by Florian Munteanu, who is a former heavy weight boxer. Yeah! Was also in "Creed" his nickname is "The Big Nasty". Isn't that a drink? A bartender once offered me to sample a drink called "The Big Nasty". I chose to go with a drink that doesn't have "nasty" in its title. ... I think he was offering me a drink.

???

"Daddy Murder Death" and "Sharp Fisty Man" spark this thang. And Shaun becomes Shang-Chi, beater of ass!

The visuals in this movie are the best Marvel has done to date. The action is so good. I just got finished raving about the action in "Black Widow"; this surpasses that. I dug the cast. I know some people don't like Awkwafina, but... get over it. She was great in this; everybody was!

I loved the soundtrack! I'm not normally the "I loved the soundtrack guy" , but it was perfect. It begs to be mentioned.

No issues with the story. And the emotions that they're stirring in you. Whew!

One moment I'm enjoying the beater of ass, then Katy is making me laugh, then the slew of issues got me in my feelings, then the visuals wow me, then more swelling issues, back to ass beating - all the way through.

And the ending! True, Marvel has a formula (and this sticks to it), but if it ain't broken, why bleep with it?? The ending was Game of Thrones-ish, but with light so a brotha can see, and all the colors of the rainbow - like a Skittles commercial with martial arts.  Fun! - so not like GOT at all, I guess. The only fun they had was when there was torture or prostitution going on.

I don't have anything bad to say about the movie. They could have shaved 5-10 mins off, but I won't take off for that; there's just too much to love about this!

Grade: A+

Fun for the whole family! I can see the fam working through some issues after the watch.

Daughter: "You know, Dad. That asshole dad of Shang-Chi kinda reminds me of you."

Mom: "Daughter! You do NOT talk to your father that way!"

Daughter: “Just sayin...”

Dad: "That's interesting, cuz his ungrateful, bitch of a daughter reminds me of YOU!"

Mother and Daughter: *gasp

Son: *laughs

Dad: "All I want you to do is take your school work seriously and maybe date a guy who doesn't smell like weed!"

Daughter: "I'll have you know that's his natural smell! And maybe I'd focus more on school, if I didn't have to focus on YOU being such a BLEEPING ASSHOLE, DAD!"

See, that's healthy dialogue, right there. Maybe the family that watches this movie buys mommy a bunch of guns for protection, so she doesn't end up dead like the mommy in this movie. Like a ridiculous amount of guns!

And I could see brother and sister kicking each other in the crotch to resolve their differences. BUT, if they're close-by, fighting each other, then there's no time to abandon one another.

Marvel does it again!

Before I even entered the theater, I was mad. I was mad due to certain people on social media stating that this film is "too woke", "super-woke", "BLM propaganda", etc, etc.

I'm not saying that they're right or wrong, at this point, but how did those people not know what they were getting into? Did they not watch any "Candyman" films before this? Do they not know of Jordan Peele's previous film productions? Have they never seen any of Key & Peele? It's mostly race stuff!

Some of them were probably only hate-watching. There a re a handful of pundits I like to hate-watch. Sometimes, getting heated by their takes fuels my work days. But, I know what I’m doing to myself... *smh* but these people.

I didn't stay mad for long though, because Nia DaCosta, the director of "Candyman", is on point! This whole movie, strictly from a cinematic view, is very cool. How bout that?? "The Rambling Praphit says Candyman is VERY COOL." :) She'll be working on the next Capt Marvel movie. 

Most people did not like that movie (I'm excluded from that crowd). Marvel is so scared of the public's dislike of that movie, that they're not even calling it "Capt Marvel 2". It's just called "The Marvels"; leaving the first movie's "captain" as far away from the title as they could. I bring this up, cuz after watching "Candyman", I have high hopes for "The Marvels".

In the trailer we see some shadow puppet type action going on to tell Candyman's story.

So, if you haven't seen the 1992 film, you can get mostly caught up. A creative way to knock out exposition.

They still didn't get into why Candyman rocks a pimpish coat. Or why he's called "Candyman". I mean... they address the name, kinda... (Razor blades in candy - also seen in the trailer) but there's a bit of a hole in the timeline of that story. Plus, how would Candyman (a vengeful spirit) even have the time or patience required to put razor blades in hard candy? If he were an actual pimp named "Candyman", it would make more sense... but anyway...

The main character (Anthony, played by Yahya Adbul Mateen II) 

needed more of Candyman's story , so he went into the depths to find more horror, and he found it. Now, there's a white woman, who's the main character in the 1992 version, who does the same thing, and... let's just say things end poorly for her, and Anthony is foolishly following in her footsteps.

He's a broke visual artist, but thankfully he's got himself a suga mama (played by Teyonah Parris) , 

a not-so-broke art gallery director named Brianna. Lesson number one, you broke artists - gym membership. 

Follow the path of Yahya. He’s the only hard candy mama needs! Keep that suga mama money coming to fuel your art.

I appreciate this couple though - a lot of times (in movies) we see black couples where the woman is struggling to feed the kids with like 3 or 4 jobs, while the man juggles cheating on her, being involved with drugs, and dreaming of one day being the greatest rapper there ever was. We've been there and done that with black movie couples enough.

But, Candyman can't allow this couple to be too happy, so the killing begins!

Say his name 5 times! He dares you! After the fifth time, he appears to brutally kill you. What kind of game is that? I could see if it was a 50/50 chance - win some money or die, but straight up 100% death? Who would play such a game?? 

"Let's go to the top of a snowy, slippery mountain. Let's slide down it with crazy speed and immovable objects in our way." Who’s game?

(white people)

"Let's take a detour through the woods, at night, right pass the area where those teenagers were murdered, LAST NIGHT... I don't think they ever caught the perp. Oh, well... let's go!" Who’s going?

(white people)

So, who will play the candyman name game? - white people, of course :)

I heard someone say that Candyman is only killing white people. That’s not true #1, but #2 - they’re the ones mostly playing this game.

No, this isn't just some movie about a black, pimpish, man with a hook, killing white people. We've got story as well.

Three parts to this story, actually:

The look -

Which I mentioned is great! The gruesome horror elements and the killings are well done. In fact, the kill scenes are so good that I wanted to see more of it. A lot of the kills effectiveness come from NOT showing you the gore. There's plenty gore as well, but the balance of times when you have to imagine what's happening as people scream is also dope.

The horror part to the film is kinda slowed down though by the social commentary. part to the film: The 1992 film has this as well, but it's more subtle, and flows with the story better. This... well, I can see why some hyper-sensitive conservatives might cry "wokeism!" I disagree with their sentiment, but I get it. If this movie had come out before 2020, perhaps the feeling would be different. There's a scene that's directly addressing gentrification. It's a group of four people (three black people and a white dude) talking. The movie shows how the seemingly enlightened and likable white dude was involved in the convo, but still didn't really get it. Perhaps that's how they see a lot of their audience with this, cuz there's no subtlety going on here at all. It's more of an "F U" at times. It's effective hate-watching though.

Lastly there's the psychological part to the movie. Something has clearly gone wrong inside of Anthony, and no one seems to be taking it all that seriously.

Something is also wrong outside of Anthony as well.... as seen in the trailer, he gets stung by a bee. One of those Candyman Bees! (Not a thing, but it should be) It's... maybe... infected (they never really explain), and gets worse and worse. Why doesn't anyone demand that he go to the doctor?! Not even his suga mama says anything! You know damn well, that no matter how sexy one may be, if you've got some sort of creepy Candyman infection, that's gonna mess up that sexy-suga-money flow, y'all feel me?? And if there is some sort of ghostly infection, shouldn't we be more scared of the bees than even Candyman? He only appears when you say his name! The bees on the other hand...

I guess it's kinda real though - I could certainly see people these days getting "the candyman infection" I speak of, and saying proudly "It's not real! And I will NOT be treated!" while waving a flag, with their clearly infected hand.

These three parts collide, sloppily. It's funny, cuz the film, as I said, is heavy-handed with hot topics, but the story (particular in the third act) will confuse you. I mean, I get it, cuz I saw the original film, but had I not... ??? There's a scene when Candyman is summoned and he proceeds to kill a bunch of cops. THEY didn't even summon him! They said “Defund the Police” not kill’em!  Idk if Candyman had been listening to nothing but Louis Farrakhan and Marvel’s Kilmonger nonstop during 2020, and it's all spilling over or what?? Some people are overachievers. Then he says "Spread my message" What message is that?!

Imagine if you say my name 5 times, and I appear in your kitchen, drink all of your beer, walking into your living room, and pee in the corner... then I say to you, before disappearing "Spread my Message".

You'd be like "What the hell?"

Despite this movies' flaws, I still enjoyed it. The social commentary really is important to the times we're living in, and should still be discussed, and not just discussed, by acted on. Plus, I truly am impressed by director Nia DaCosta. I do recommend that you see it, but you should probably watch the 1992 one first. Or who knows what message you'll leave with :)

Grade: generous B-

I doubt that there'll be a sequel, but if there is one, i really do hope that we can finally get to the bottom of this name thing. With Candyman, I'm still thinking drug dealer. It's not that scary of a name. Maybe CandyHOOK! Hooks wielded by maniacs are always scary.

No? Yeah, it does make me think his hook is made out of candy.

With the bees involved, perhaps "Bee Guy", or "Bee King", but... they're not really his thing. Plus, that's lame, and kinda sounds like he's buddies with Ant-Man. That could hurt his street cred. The 1992 film gets into a honey type of scenario as to the etymology. But, then, it should be "Honey Man", right? - that sounds kinda like a gigolo though. But, perhaps this is a good thing! That gives me an idea that could add some surprise to this whole name game thang! Call his name 5 times and either receive drugs, murder, a confusing sermon, or sweet, sweet lovin. Now, that's a game!