#postpartumocd

Hello everybody! 

First of all I will begin with a basic introduction. I am a first time mom to a 25 weeker. She is currently in the NICU as i write this post. I developed hellp syndrome / preeclampsia November 30th 2020 (of course 2020 had to give me a traumatic ending to the year). I thought it was just a gas bubble and nothing more that I was walking into the hospital with. Little did I know I was about to be flown 2 hours away with a systolic blood pressure of about 200. December 4th 2020 I gave birth (emergency c-section) to a beautiful baby girl weighing 1lb 30z. I didn’t to see her for the first two days. Just as i was starting to find my hope and accept my situation, we got the news that Baby Brida has a grade 4 brain bleeed. My heart was shattered, I was numb to reality, and I  was sure I was going to lose my baby. 

And now I’m writing this firstly because I want to remember this. Yes, that sounds crazy, but I do want to remember this. I want to remember every step of this journey so when I get better, I can share with other women that it is possible to defeat this. That it is possible to get better. I don’t know where I am in the stage of getting better right now, but I need to believe it.

As of right now I have severe anxiety and OCD. It all started one day a few weeks ago when I was in the car with my sister. I realized that I could die. And when I say die, I mean I could die at any second and leave my son and husband and that thought scares me to death. It has become so overwhelming thinking these thoughts every single day. Every single day. My therapist has been teaching me to say “these are just thoughts” but sometimes the thoughts become so powerful that I can’t defeat them. I think about the most horrible ways. I keep on thinking there is going to be a mass shooting wherever I am. I am scared that someone is going to come in and rob us and shoot us. Those are my main two thoughts. Oh and a bloody car accident. These thoughts roll through my mind all day every day. And they become so exhausting but I am trying to make it through. It has gotten to the point where I have social anxiety now - agoraphobia. I hate going out anywhere and I start having the symptoms of panic attacks because I am so scared of going out. This is where I am now and it is absolutely awful. And then the OCD contributes to the anxiety. 

So today. Today is an even day. I don’t wish for good days anymore and I don’t force them because I’m not sure they can come and I don’t want to beat myself up when they don’t come. So far today I am having an even day. A day where I am not feeling the anxiety but I am having the OCD. And I am shoving them away by saying “these are just thoughts. They are not facts.” But the thoughts are coming up every hour, every half hour, every fifteen minutes. This is my brain right now and I don’t know what to do right now.

I want to go up on my prozac but my psychiatrist is being resistant because of my bipolar disorder. But I don’t think I can continue living like this. So this is my day so far today. And I don’t know if I ever will be free of this but I have to have hope. That’s all I really have.

I’m always reminded this time of year about where I was two years ago.  I was somewhere way different physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.  I was hurting so bad.  Feeling completely out of control and afraid of myself.  As I write these words on the page in front of me, I question whether or not I’m being dramatic...but that genuinely was my reality.  

If you’re reading this as a mom going through the beginning stages, or middle stages, or the “i don’t know if it will ever go away” stages of postpartum anxiety/ocd/depression...I’m your proof of healing.  I’m your proof that there truly is an end in site...maybe you can’t see it....but I promise you it’s there.  

I won the war with PPA/OCD.  I lost a few battles, but I won the war.  Listen up moms...and dads...because any new parent can be slapped in the face with this...you will be ok.  

It was two years ago that I panicked in the kitchen while holding a knife and thinking a horrible intrusive thought of harming my child.  At points like this, I ask new readers to please start from the beginning of my blog to get a full understanding of PPA/OCD.  Never in a million years would I act on this thought, but the visual came into my mind.  Two years ago, I was washing dishes with my baby boy sitting at my feet while I stood at the sink.  A plate slipped through my hand and shattered into pieces on the floor right beside him.  By the grace of God he was not hurt, nor did a single piece of glass touch him.  But I panicked.  What if I did hurt him?  What if I’m capable of that?  What if I lose complete control over myself and I harm my own child?  That’s the voice of postpartum anxiety.  The terrifying and unwanted images and thoughts that invade your mind when all you want to do is take care of your precious child.  Those are the images and thoughts of PPA that steal your joy of motherhood.  They steal life.  

And then there were articles....so many articles flashing across my computer screen about moms harming their child, and how babies can die of SIDS...every day.  They haunted my every day life.  I couldn’t function like a “normal” human being.  I had Postpartum Anxiety/OCD.  Anxiety--Worry over things you can’t control...or fear of losing control.  OCD--obsessing over these anxious thoughts and compulsively “coping” with them.

I don’t write about this for pity.  I don’t need pity, nor do I want it.  I’m actually really thankful for that season of life.  I don’t want to repeat it, but there was a bigger purpose than just to make me miserable.  Do I think God wants His children to suffer?  Absolutely not.  But does he use our suffering for His glory and to prove to us how deep His love is for His children?  You bet.  It was through my daily battle with PPA that I sought Him harder than ever before.  I couldn’t get through my day without worship music, prayer or His Word.  I quite literally relied on His word to help me through morning to night.  Oh how I hated being awake, but oh how He showed up every single day.  

So today I sit back and reflect on His love for me...for you...for all of us.  I see the different women he has connected me to through the past two years.  I see how He taught me humility by desperately needing help.  I see how God showed me how incredibly flawed I am, yet His love for me is infinite.  I see how if we are open about our struggles, and daily battles of the mind...others will feel more comfortable being vulnerable and willing to walk through life together.